The Darkness

Today is the first time in a very long time I feel virtually consumed by the darkness.... It just seems so black and hopeless.  I don't get angry very often.  But when I do it's very ugly.  I don't deal well with anger because it's such a strong and powerful emotion.  And all I want to do is restore some semblance of balance.  It's no wonder I am extremely tempted to go back to the self-injury.  I know it would bring me back to homeostasis or at least close to it.  It is taking a great deal of self-control for me not to... Well that and knowing that tomorrow I will be in a bathing suit and would rather not be asked about new scars.  *lol*

I've also gone back to old ways of complete isolation.... I've cut myself off and refuse to ask for help.  For as much as I tell other people not to be an island I haven't exactly learned that lesson myself.  I'm getting better but this is one time when I just want to be alone.

Azrael has been a great companion all evening.  He has been quite needy... probably feeding off the energy and the fact I've actually been watching TV and not playing online.  So I have been all for giving him attention.  It has calmed me down.... maybe not completely but still even a little calmer is an improvement.

Can I just stick my head in the sand... or become like a turtle until this is over?  I know that's not how life works.  I have to gut it out and get past this.  Tommorow I am getting together with friends.  It's either going to be really good for me... or really bad... not entirely sure which.  Time will tell.

Just Leave Me Alone

The more stressed I become the more I pull back and go into isolation mode. Of course the more stressed I become the more tired I also become. So it's really about self-preservation. The last 2 years have been a demonstration of this. I don't want to go out and be social. There are other factors involved but stress is a HUGE factor. For the most part I just want everyone to leave me alone... well okay there are a few people that can always brighten my day. As for Steve, I would really like him to just leave me alone. Yesterday I made the mistake of asking what he was doing after work, I was just making conversation. Specifically I asked him if he was going to his storage unit after work since he is trying to clear it out. His actual response was "I'd rather play with you." I was actually a little taken aback. I mean there is no secret that he wants me... but this is the company email. Let's not go for suggestive comments. I turned him down but he doesn't get the hint that it's him I don't want. He either thinks I am sick, tired, stressed... or have some other reason. But it couldn't possibly be him. A while back he had a passing interest in someone else. Yesterday he was saying that she had told people he was expecting things of her. Or at least that was the impression she had. I was only half paying attention and I do agree with that assessment. So I was just like "Mmm-hmmm" and then he couldn't believe I was agreeing with it. I said something about the workplace and perceptions. I really didn't want to see his anger. I've seen it before and it was ugly. To a certain degree I have resigned myself to the fact I am not getting rid of him. I know I need to stand up for myself and say no to him. I wish it was that easy. Nothing in life is that simple. I fear what would happen if I did that. I'm also a doormat. I'd rather just take the abuse so that other people don't have to. And I am scared about what would happen if I did cut off all contact. He has this tendency to show up at will as it is. And, the one thing I hvae learned about a restraining order... it doesn't apply to work. I just can't win. And I just want to be left alone.