Quite often we use the words shame and guilt interchangeably. Fossum and Mason stated, "While guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one's actions, shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person." It has also been said "guilt is 'the feeling that what you have DONE is wrong,' and that shame is 'the feeling that what you ARE is wrong.'"
When you come from a life of abuse there is a lot of shame involved. It's very hard to admit that you were a victim. For so long you have thought that this was normal and all families are like this. Inevitably there are also thoughts that you brought this on yourself.
You feel that you are inferior and don't respect yourself. Even though you don't know the first thing about trust and healthy relationships you still think that you should've known better. Take the rape for example. I feel like I should've known better. I do feel somewhat responsible even though it was not my fault. I was the victim but I have a hard time taking on that role.
Shame is a powerful emotion. I know that shame is holding me back. I am ashamed of decisions that I have made. I am also ashamed of the trust issues... the communication issues... and even of events that I had no control over.
So that silence... of bearing the weight myself... stems from a world of shame and embarassment. And when that is all you know how do you get past that? Does healing ever occur?
Showing posts with label home. Show all posts
Showing posts with label home. Show all posts
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Easy Way Out
I'm still spending way too much time trying to process everything that happens... just trying to make sense of the world. I've come to realize that my silence and not trusting anyone is about taking the easy way out. It's much easier to keep it to myself then it is to admit that I don't know the first thing about healthy relationships or trust. I don't even know how I should feel. That world is all I know. All I know is pain. I am basically self taught. I come from a world of neglect. As a result I've walked into some brutal situations... and I feel like I should've known better. That vow of silence is also about deficiencies. I overcompensate for my past and have this idea that I have to be perfect. Needless to say I'll never live up to that. I know it's cost me... but I don't know how to change it. I don't know how to ask for help... I had no examples to go by when I was growing up so to a certain degree I make it up as I go along.
I am still intimidated by public speaking... I've always been a ghost in the background.... trying not to stand out. I'm afraid of being wrong.... I'm afraid of being reprimanded. I don't feel safe. I feel exposed. I know what I am doing and I really need to overcome that if I want to move up in the company. It's not like I need to second guess myself every step of the way. I'm not always going to be right and that's okay. I need to bring perception in line with reality. Well basically I need to stop taking the easy way out. Take a chance and admit that I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
I am still intimidated by public speaking... I've always been a ghost in the background.... trying not to stand out. I'm afraid of being wrong.... I'm afraid of being reprimanded. I don't feel safe. I feel exposed. I know what I am doing and I really need to overcome that if I want to move up in the company. It's not like I need to second guess myself every step of the way. I'm not always going to be right and that's okay. I need to bring perception in line with reality. Well basically I need to stop taking the easy way out. Take a chance and admit that I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
Things I've Learned
Talk about life lessons. Some hard truths and some shaped by the life I've had.
I'm not sure I will get get over the comments from my youth... and the neglect. I was called a bitch, slut, and many other terms and was told repeatedly that I would never amount to anything. I carry that with me... and may for my entire life. It's very difficult to reconcile that idealized image we have for our parents... and the truth that those were lies. It's easier to blame myself. Then I can maintain that image.
Home is also where I learned not to show emotion... and more importantly, not to feel anything. I prefer to be numb and when faced with emotion then I am definitely out of my comfort zone. I had to be tough. My sister was more emotional and, as a result, she got picked on more at home. I fought back so I avoided more of the abuse.
In spite of the fact I went into psychology I have learned that labels are not always a good thing. I believe that ADHD is over-diagnosed and is creating a generation of kids that are known by their label more then by who they really are. I was given the label of depression when I began my LOA and then all the behaviours were just attributed to the depression.
I'm sure that everyone learns the lesson, fairly early on, that life is not fair and that bad things are always going to happen. With the instability in my home life I was prone to risk taking behaviours and destined to go through some rough times. When I was in high school I was a ghost.... I tried to be invisible. But I was also seeking the love and attention that I didn't get at home. By the time I finished high school I had an ex that was emotionally abusive and one that was physically abusive. On top of that I was date raped, not once but twice in that time. I'm beginning to wonder if I have a sign over my head that says "Perfect victim" since I have been raped 4 more times since I moved to Peterborough. And the only time I pressed charges I sure as hell didn't get any justice. Now I'll be honest... 4 of them were related to alcohol. But that doesn't make it right. And two of them in Peterborough were from the same person. Once involved alcohol and once did not. There will always be an association between sex and violence. So I know full well that bad things happen. Now I just isolate myself and barely leave the house... It's a lot less eventful... aside from the arson in the apartment building.
Lastly... society is very quick to stigmatize certain behaviours and you get judged heavily for them. My orange and white bracelet is a reminder of that. Somewhere along the way I learned that pain was a good way to control emotion and bring about a balance... not in the sadomasochistic way either. Yes I engaged in self injury. I would purposely cut myself until it bled so that I wouldn't feel the overwhelming emotional pain. This one I could control. And I never cut myself that deeply. It was all controlled. I've been told it's attention seeking. I've also been told it's manipulative, meanwhile I try and hide it from everyone. I have been severely judged by other people. And those that do know about it try and control the behaviour which ends up making it worse. The irony is that I can drink myself to death and society would accept it. I could also become anorexic again and it would be more acceptable. Yes I have stopped... but I'm not so sure it's because I wanted to... or because other people wanted me to. Let me cope in whatever way I need to. Until you've walked a mile in my shoes... you cannot fully understand what it's like. Before you want to tell me that there are risks involved... there are risks involved just leaving your house. You could get in an accident. I'm not saying it's not destructive because I know it is but sometimes it's about survival and you do what you have to just to get by.
These lessons have been hard. Life is a number of lessons and often times they are not easy. Not all of those lessons should be true and unfortunatly some of it I will never get over. There was too high a cost in learning those lessons.
- A kind word is quickly forgotten. An unkind word is remembered much longer, sometimes even for a lifetime.
- Trusting someone is costly. You have to be vulnerable and trust they won't break that trust. Once trust is gone it's very difficult to get that back.
- Judge and jury... society can definitely judge you, even for your way of coping.
- Labels are not a good thing. When a behaviour is labelled then we start shaping our view of that person around that label.
- "Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge him. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them." (Oscar Wilde) As a child you believe everything your parents say and do not question it. When you learn it's not true it really shatters your belief system.
- Feel nothing... and do not show emotion.
- As much as we may want to live with no regrets it is next to impossible to forget the past and leave it in the past.
- Insanity is simply a deviation of the norm... and who wanted to be normal any ways?
- "Tears are the silent language of grief." (Voltaire)
- Bad things will always happen. It is an unavoidable fact of life.
I'm not sure I will get get over the comments from my youth... and the neglect. I was called a bitch, slut, and many other terms and was told repeatedly that I would never amount to anything. I carry that with me... and may for my entire life. It's very difficult to reconcile that idealized image we have for our parents... and the truth that those were lies. It's easier to blame myself. Then I can maintain that image.
Home is also where I learned not to show emotion... and more importantly, not to feel anything. I prefer to be numb and when faced with emotion then I am definitely out of my comfort zone. I had to be tough. My sister was more emotional and, as a result, she got picked on more at home. I fought back so I avoided more of the abuse.
In spite of the fact I went into psychology I have learned that labels are not always a good thing. I believe that ADHD is over-diagnosed and is creating a generation of kids that are known by their label more then by who they really are. I was given the label of depression when I began my LOA and then all the behaviours were just attributed to the depression.
I'm sure that everyone learns the lesson, fairly early on, that life is not fair and that bad things are always going to happen. With the instability in my home life I was prone to risk taking behaviours and destined to go through some rough times. When I was in high school I was a ghost.... I tried to be invisible. But I was also seeking the love and attention that I didn't get at home. By the time I finished high school I had an ex that was emotionally abusive and one that was physically abusive. On top of that I was date raped, not once but twice in that time. I'm beginning to wonder if I have a sign over my head that says "Perfect victim" since I have been raped 4 more times since I moved to Peterborough. And the only time I pressed charges I sure as hell didn't get any justice. Now I'll be honest... 4 of them were related to alcohol. But that doesn't make it right. And two of them in Peterborough were from the same person. Once involved alcohol and once did not. There will always be an association between sex and violence. So I know full well that bad things happen. Now I just isolate myself and barely leave the house... It's a lot less eventful... aside from the arson in the apartment building.
Lastly... society is very quick to stigmatize certain behaviours and you get judged heavily for them. My orange and white bracelet is a reminder of that. Somewhere along the way I learned that pain was a good way to control emotion and bring about a balance... not in the sadomasochistic way either. Yes I engaged in self injury. I would purposely cut myself until it bled so that I wouldn't feel the overwhelming emotional pain. This one I could control. And I never cut myself that deeply. It was all controlled. I've been told it's attention seeking. I've also been told it's manipulative, meanwhile I try and hide it from everyone. I have been severely judged by other people. And those that do know about it try and control the behaviour which ends up making it worse. The irony is that I can drink myself to death and society would accept it. I could also become anorexic again and it would be more acceptable. Yes I have stopped... but I'm not so sure it's because I wanted to... or because other people wanted me to. Let me cope in whatever way I need to. Until you've walked a mile in my shoes... you cannot fully understand what it's like. Before you want to tell me that there are risks involved... there are risks involved just leaving your house. You could get in an accident. I'm not saying it's not destructive because I know it is but sometimes it's about survival and you do what you have to just to get by.
These lessons have been hard. Life is a number of lessons and often times they are not easy. Not all of those lessons should be true and unfortunatly some of it I will never get over. There was too high a cost in learning those lessons.
Saturday, January 07, 2006
TGIF
I am extremely happy that it is Friday... thinking I should go offline and just hide for the remainder of the weekend. Might even relax if I did that. Been a rough week so far. Still not as bad as the beginning of 2005 though.
Ongoing issues with the roommate. I really need to find a new one, and fast. While I don't think I can get him out of my life permanently it would still help. At least then I wouldn't have to see him nearly as much. Have I mentioned how much I hate small talk? Looks like he hasn't got that message. Silence is valuable. I don't want you to talk just for the sake of talking. With most people it wouldn't bother me but he irks me more and more every day.
My sister was also in the hospital three times. So that has added some stress to my life, especially since they aren't really sure what's going on and why she is in so much pain. At this point they think it's an ulcer... caused by bacteria eating through the lining of the stomach. But it's a waiting game now, until they know more.
At work I got 2 verbal warnings within 2 days. Something I had managed to avoid for three years. The first one was for sales... or lack of. It's always been my weak point. The second one was for my tone. I admit it was a bad call. And it is something I struggle with. To a certain degree I think it's related to hearing "US desktop" when I answer the phone. I actually dread going on the phones for that reason... especially since they have increased the amount of time I am on the phones. It is a mental block for me. I worked hard to get away from that... going to portables and then Canada/Legacy and now am back where I started. Guess I am going to have to find some way to overcome that and have no idea how to. So it has me feeling a little discouraged at the moment. If that wasn't enough, I also found out that I didn't meet my mandate last month because of a scheduling conflict with one of my agents. I came in early twice to do the ace and was unable to complete it.
Needless to say this week has not been so great for me. I was really tempted to go back to the cutting. Then at least I'd feel nothing at all. That would be better then this uneasy, restless feeling I currently have. I knew better so I gave the knife away. I knew if I didn't I would end up using it. Then I made the mistake of telling Val who had it since she was concerned I might go back to it. I didn't think she would go to that person and try and start an intervention. Do I look like I need an intervention? A stiff drink maybe.. but not an intervention. I got rid of the knife so that I didn't use it. Isn't that good enough? I guess not. Now it's just become a drama. And made me realize, for the last time, that Val cannot be trusted and has no concept of the word confidentiality. I also ended up putting the other person into the middle of it and that wasn't fair to her. I really didn't want that to happen and had hoped that if Val was concerned about me that she would come to me, not go to someone else.
So let's do a quick summary of the week:
Work: Questionable
Friends: Lost one
Family: Sister has ongoing medical issues
Home: Still have the stalker/roommate with no end in sight
Yep it has been a great week. I did finally get some needed sleep today. It was pretty much the high point for me. Overall I am doing better now. I have a couple of days to rest and Steve is back at work so I won't see him quite as much as I had been. I just needed some time off to clear my head and relax. Been crazy with the holidays. Seeing my family always takes a toll on me. So does the Christmas season and I didn't feel like I had much time off around then. In spite of everything I am feeling a lot more positive now. All I need now is to find a roommate... then things will really be looking up. And figure out how to get over the mental block at work. But things could be worse. I could be repeating 2005... or I could be unemployed.... homeless... etc.
"No day but today" (Rent)
Ongoing issues with the roommate. I really need to find a new one, and fast. While I don't think I can get him out of my life permanently it would still help. At least then I wouldn't have to see him nearly as much. Have I mentioned how much I hate small talk? Looks like he hasn't got that message. Silence is valuable. I don't want you to talk just for the sake of talking. With most people it wouldn't bother me but he irks me more and more every day.
My sister was also in the hospital three times. So that has added some stress to my life, especially since they aren't really sure what's going on and why she is in so much pain. At this point they think it's an ulcer... caused by bacteria eating through the lining of the stomach. But it's a waiting game now, until they know more.
At work I got 2 verbal warnings within 2 days. Something I had managed to avoid for three years. The first one was for sales... or lack of. It's always been my weak point. The second one was for my tone. I admit it was a bad call. And it is something I struggle with. To a certain degree I think it's related to hearing "US desktop" when I answer the phone. I actually dread going on the phones for that reason... especially since they have increased the amount of time I am on the phones. It is a mental block for me. I worked hard to get away from that... going to portables and then Canada/Legacy and now am back where I started. Guess I am going to have to find some way to overcome that and have no idea how to. So it has me feeling a little discouraged at the moment. If that wasn't enough, I also found out that I didn't meet my mandate last month because of a scheduling conflict with one of my agents. I came in early twice to do the ace and was unable to complete it.
Needless to say this week has not been so great for me. I was really tempted to go back to the cutting. Then at least I'd feel nothing at all. That would be better then this uneasy, restless feeling I currently have. I knew better so I gave the knife away. I knew if I didn't I would end up using it. Then I made the mistake of telling Val who had it since she was concerned I might go back to it. I didn't think she would go to that person and try and start an intervention. Do I look like I need an intervention? A stiff drink maybe.. but not an intervention. I got rid of the knife so that I didn't use it. Isn't that good enough? I guess not. Now it's just become a drama. And made me realize, for the last time, that Val cannot be trusted and has no concept of the word confidentiality. I also ended up putting the other person into the middle of it and that wasn't fair to her. I really didn't want that to happen and had hoped that if Val was concerned about me that she would come to me, not go to someone else.
So let's do a quick summary of the week:
Work: Questionable
Friends: Lost one
Family: Sister has ongoing medical issues
Home: Still have the stalker/roommate with no end in sight
Yep it has been a great week. I did finally get some needed sleep today. It was pretty much the high point for me. Overall I am doing better now. I have a couple of days to rest and Steve is back at work so I won't see him quite as much as I had been. I just needed some time off to clear my head and relax. Been crazy with the holidays. Seeing my family always takes a toll on me. So does the Christmas season and I didn't feel like I had much time off around then. In spite of everything I am feeling a lot more positive now. All I need now is to find a roommate... then things will really be looking up. And figure out how to get over the mental block at work. But things could be worse. I could be repeating 2005... or I could be unemployed.... homeless... etc.
"No day but today" (Rent)
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