Saturday, August 19, 2006
Enlightening Conversation
I've come to the realization that some people just don't think before they open their mouth. The other day I was having a conversation with Jason about tattoos as I was on my way out. Jennifer stood up and started waving frantically, it was like she was an air traffic controller. Some days she just reminds me of high school... and has this need to be the center of attention. So I head over to see what she wants. She wanted to say goodbye and she wanted to tell me about the newspaper article she had been reading. On the front page of the Peterborough Examiner there was an article on self-harm... or at least on a woman who self-injures. Apparently, Jennifer was disturbed by the article. Okay, I can understand the shock and the questioning that is involved when someone first hears of it. And the picture was pretty graphic. But is work really an appropriate forum for that conversation? I am a performance coach... not a therapist. And while I can draw on my psychologist background it's not something I am entirely comfortable discussing, at least not at work with someone I don't know all that well... in the middle of the floor. I don't think the thought ever crossed her mind that a) a lot of people could hear her and b) someone there might use self-injury as a coping mechanism and be put on the spot. Of course, the irony is that it was me that was put on the spot. Jason added his two cents about someone he knows that has a "cutting toolkit." I don't think that put her mind at ease at all... He also stated that most people cut their inner thigh or their bicep. I've looked into it and that's not true... The most common area is actually the forearm. It's only when it has to be more concealed that people start cutting elsewhere. And the inner thigh is more of a suicide attempt because of the vein. But at least he deflected the attention off me. I was feeling pretty self conscious. I was wearing a tank top and I can see the scars on my arm. Plus there were the inevitable questions... "How can someone do that?" So they were both discussing abuse... molestation... etc. And of course that gets me thinking about my own life... the reasons for the self-injury... and it brings back the memories of the abuse and the sexual assault. Then Jennifer asked "How messed up do you have to be to do that?" Obviously that is a value statement. And it shows the stigma that is involved. Someone could numb themselves with drugs, alcohol or sex and we wouldn't ask that question. And while she may not have meant to... that question is directed right at me. I take on the psychologist role and come back to ways people cope and how it was their decision... and how she shouldn't feel bad about it. I don't think she was convinced though... And then she said "What if I end up doing that?" What exactly am I supposed to say to that? Of course I said it wasn't likely... but what can I say to that? That conversation was from Thursday and I am still thinking about it. I had to be careful about what I said since I didn't want to "out" myself. I was not comfortable with the conversation but how do you stop it without running the risk of saying too much? I don't believe work was the place for that conversation. I just wish that people would think before they speak as well.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
Mr. Professional
Steve continues to grate on my nerves. Fortunately I rarely have to see him, except the occassional ride. He did show up Friday night for no apparent reason. I missed the call and it was a garbled message. But there was no reason for him to just stop by. And I was never really comfortable when he used to do that. Heading into my third week of days so I'll be able to avoid him again this week.
On Saturday he did give me a ride into work. Once upon a time he was a performance coach. That was a short lived thought. He continues to claim that there was no reason for his demotion. Steve also said that recently he and Cheryl were out in the smoking area and she said she could find nothing in his file. Now, maybe it's just me, but the smoking area is not the right place to have that conversation. And all that proves is that it wasn't documented very well. Considering it was two years ago and the manager was fired not long afterwards that's not really a surprise.
He has said before that females complained... Hmm... seems to me HR has to take any complaints seriously. He also openly disgareed with the team manager that he was assigned to. Personally I do not find him approachable which is one of the things they look for when hiring performance coaches. And his troubleshooting leaves a lot to be desired. He seems to believe reinstallng the OS is often the solution.. while I rarely reinstall. Then there was the paintjob he decided to do on the van. He decided to paint slogans on the van about child abuse. As someone in leadership at the company that isn't really professional. I'm not sure if he was Mr. Negative before that... or after but it's definitely noticeable. Makes it hard to be put up for advancement. Either way... he absolutely denies that he had anything to do with it and thinks he was just demoted to set an example... He was a guinea pig, at least in his eyes.
Now he's up for Tier 2. That scares me just as much. For one, Steve has the attitude that he is the best tech support agent in the place, next to me any ways. He does give me a lot of credit but some of it is just flattery in the hopes that it will win him some points. I'm not fond of people with a god complex... and going on and on tht he deserves the position. I just had to send feedback on him for providing incorrect information, and for reinstalling unecessarily. So the second reason I am scared is that he would then be passing on his troubleshooting steps to other agents. I'm concerned about what his advice would be... I am also concerned that he'd be telling almost everyone to reinstall. The last reason I am scared is that he would then be downstairs. This one is not a big concern but with him upstairs I can really limit how often I see him. He knows I will not go upstairs since there is the possibility of seeing Mike. And currently he is not allowed downstairs after he had a shouting match with jarratt while on the floor.
Maybe I am just spiteful. I want him to be turned down just so that it knocks him down a peg or two. With him going for Tier 2 it makes me a little more reluctant to apply for another Tier 2 performance coach position... if he gets it any ways. But then I also donn't want to leave Christie's team. And right now I have to continue to prove myself for a while longer before I can apply for anything.
On Saturday he did give me a ride into work. Once upon a time he was a performance coach. That was a short lived thought. He continues to claim that there was no reason for his demotion. Steve also said that recently he and Cheryl were out in the smoking area and she said she could find nothing in his file. Now, maybe it's just me, but the smoking area is not the right place to have that conversation. And all that proves is that it wasn't documented very well. Considering it was two years ago and the manager was fired not long afterwards that's not really a surprise.
He has said before that females complained... Hmm... seems to me HR has to take any complaints seriously. He also openly disgareed with the team manager that he was assigned to. Personally I do not find him approachable which is one of the things they look for when hiring performance coaches. And his troubleshooting leaves a lot to be desired. He seems to believe reinstallng the OS is often the solution.. while I rarely reinstall. Then there was the paintjob he decided to do on the van. He decided to paint slogans on the van about child abuse. As someone in leadership at the company that isn't really professional. I'm not sure if he was Mr. Negative before that... or after but it's definitely noticeable. Makes it hard to be put up for advancement. Either way... he absolutely denies that he had anything to do with it and thinks he was just demoted to set an example... He was a guinea pig, at least in his eyes.
Now he's up for Tier 2. That scares me just as much. For one, Steve has the attitude that he is the best tech support agent in the place, next to me any ways. He does give me a lot of credit but some of it is just flattery in the hopes that it will win him some points. I'm not fond of people with a god complex... and going on and on tht he deserves the position. I just had to send feedback on him for providing incorrect information, and for reinstalling unecessarily. So the second reason I am scared is that he would then be passing on his troubleshooting steps to other agents. I'm concerned about what his advice would be... I am also concerned that he'd be telling almost everyone to reinstall. The last reason I am scared is that he would then be downstairs. This one is not a big concern but with him upstairs I can really limit how often I see him. He knows I will not go upstairs since there is the possibility of seeing Mike. And currently he is not allowed downstairs after he had a shouting match with jarratt while on the floor.
Maybe I am just spiteful. I want him to be turned down just so that it knocks him down a peg or two. With him going for Tier 2 it makes me a little more reluctant to apply for another Tier 2 performance coach position... if he gets it any ways. But then I also donn't want to leave Christie's team. And right now I have to continue to prove myself for a while longer before I can apply for anything.
Friday, August 11, 2006
Help
Pride is one of my weaknesses... and being stubborn. As evidenced by the last post I am having a tough time right now... and being postive is becoming a losing battle. Worst part is that I don't see an end in sight. I've always been high strung... mainly because there always seems to be a lot of stress in my life. I am a type A personality... I admit it. But the more shit that happens the more stressed I become and the more it becomes a vicious cycle because I've never learned good ways to deal with it and actually relieve the stress.
More importantly I am unable to ask for help... It's a combination of me being stubborn... my lack of trust... and my own self worth. I never think that I am worth someone's time and figure they don't want to hear my tale of woe. So I stay silent and try to carry the cross alone. Right now that is proving to be a bit much.
The one year anniversary of the assault is coming up... and I hadn't been thinking about it at all... Then a random comment the other day about rumours made it come to mind... After all the rumour was that I was a "lying bitch." The police showing up really brought it to the forefront. Then I couldn't escape it or deny it. But I still have not allowed myself to relive the experience. I can't... I see it as if it were a movie... in segments. Every time I can't handle it. I have to look away. I know it's my mind protecting itself... by repressing the memory and not dealing with it. I'm also afraid to... Afraid of being overwhelmed and not being able to deal with it.... Afraid of going back to the cutting.
So do I need help? I'm sure I do... Will I ever ask for it? Not a chance.
More importantly I am unable to ask for help... It's a combination of me being stubborn... my lack of trust... and my own self worth. I never think that I am worth someone's time and figure they don't want to hear my tale of woe. So I stay silent and try to carry the cross alone. Right now that is proving to be a bit much.
The one year anniversary of the assault is coming up... and I hadn't been thinking about it at all... Then a random comment the other day about rumours made it come to mind... After all the rumour was that I was a "lying bitch." The police showing up really brought it to the forefront. Then I couldn't escape it or deny it. But I still have not allowed myself to relive the experience. I can't... I see it as if it were a movie... in segments. Every time I can't handle it. I have to look away. I know it's my mind protecting itself... by repressing the memory and not dealing with it. I'm also afraid to... Afraid of being overwhelmed and not being able to deal with it.... Afraid of going back to the cutting.
So do I need help? I'm sure I do... Will I ever ask for it? Not a chance.
My Own Private Hell
Why is it that when it rains it just pours in my life.... I swear to god someone is out to get me.... Nothing ever runs smoothly for any length of time. Just when I think things are going well the rug gets pulled out from under me. And then somehow it becomes my own private hell with no way out.
Where do I begin on that one??? I am really trying to stay positive but it's becoming increasingly hard... I think it all started with the news that I wasn't being put forward for an interview for the team leader position. 5 months after my return they still didn't think I was up for the position. What more do I have to do? It's hard not to be really discouraged by that for many reasons. For one... my mom had gone on a long speech that I wasn't good enough. Looks like work, or at least certain people there, agreed. Plus, to a certain degree, my former TL had something to do with it. All I can do now is keep working hard and continue to prove myself.
Then there was my annual review. I was really stressed about that... and I'm not sure the stress ever really went away. I knew she was going to have a lot of negative things to say. Some of them true... but not all of them. It's hard to sit in a room and be reminded of what they thought. I know she tried to focus on the positive changes... but that isn't what I'm going to remember. And, of course, I didn't get my raise.
The same day I was listening to an agent looking for trends... somehow that turned into a 2.5 hour coaching session. Really wasn't what I was planning for the day. I missed my chiropractor appointment and it became a 12 hour day.
I may have had a three day weekend but this entire week I hven't been sleeping all that well and feel like I am fighting everything when I do get up. Makes it difficult to deal with customers and with agents. I've had a tough time getting Aces done as well which makes it worse. One more day to go... Now if I could just get some rest.
Financially it has also been rough... which always stresses me out. Goddamn student loans... It's probably the stress from being this broke... and not even knowing the status of my interest relief application that is making me cranky. It's hard to relax when you have absolutely no money... are late on bills... and know that the student loan center could just yank the money out as well. I have to call tomorrow and find out what they want.
Just when I thought it couldn't get worse... the police show up... basically just to remind me the charges were dropped. There was no such thing as justice. And thanks for the fucking reminder. Like I really needed it. Since the excuse they gave me was that there was a lack of witnesses I'd like to know what the hell they wanted... an accomplice to be videotaping the encounter? Last time I checked the legal definition of rape included intoxication and/or being unconscious. You couldn't give consent... But apparently that is meaningless. It's all pointless. It was an exercise in futility... he won... I lost... He gets his freedom and I get a lifetime of memories and pain.
This really has become my own private hell... Is there any way to make it stop? Why is it that I never get any peace? It doesn't seem to matter what I do there is no rest... all I see is chaos... and pain. A life of pain is no life at all... Somehow that is all it ever seems to be. Is there a point to existence? What did I do in a past life to deserve this??? Sleep... about the only time I feel nothing. Sleep... glorious sleep...
Where do I begin on that one??? I am really trying to stay positive but it's becoming increasingly hard... I think it all started with the news that I wasn't being put forward for an interview for the team leader position. 5 months after my return they still didn't think I was up for the position. What more do I have to do? It's hard not to be really discouraged by that for many reasons. For one... my mom had gone on a long speech that I wasn't good enough. Looks like work, or at least certain people there, agreed. Plus, to a certain degree, my former TL had something to do with it. All I can do now is keep working hard and continue to prove myself.
Then there was my annual review. I was really stressed about that... and I'm not sure the stress ever really went away. I knew she was going to have a lot of negative things to say. Some of them true... but not all of them. It's hard to sit in a room and be reminded of what they thought. I know she tried to focus on the positive changes... but that isn't what I'm going to remember. And, of course, I didn't get my raise.
The same day I was listening to an agent looking for trends... somehow that turned into a 2.5 hour coaching session. Really wasn't what I was planning for the day. I missed my chiropractor appointment and it became a 12 hour day.
I may have had a three day weekend but this entire week I hven't been sleeping all that well and feel like I am fighting everything when I do get up. Makes it difficult to deal with customers and with agents. I've had a tough time getting Aces done as well which makes it worse. One more day to go... Now if I could just get some rest.
Financially it has also been rough... which always stresses me out. Goddamn student loans... It's probably the stress from being this broke... and not even knowing the status of my interest relief application that is making me cranky. It's hard to relax when you have absolutely no money... are late on bills... and know that the student loan center could just yank the money out as well. I have to call tomorrow and find out what they want.
Just when I thought it couldn't get worse... the police show up... basically just to remind me the charges were dropped. There was no such thing as justice. And thanks for the fucking reminder. Like I really needed it. Since the excuse they gave me was that there was a lack of witnesses I'd like to know what the hell they wanted... an accomplice to be videotaping the encounter? Last time I checked the legal definition of rape included intoxication and/or being unconscious. You couldn't give consent... But apparently that is meaningless. It's all pointless. It was an exercise in futility... he won... I lost... He gets his freedom and I get a lifetime of memories and pain.
This really has become my own private hell... Is there any way to make it stop? Why is it that I never get any peace? It doesn't seem to matter what I do there is no rest... all I see is chaos... and pain. A life of pain is no life at all... Somehow that is all it ever seems to be. Is there a point to existence? What did I do in a past life to deserve this??? Sleep... about the only time I feel nothing. Sleep... glorious sleep...
The Stress of Student Loans
I am so frustrated I could cry. I won't because I'm stubborn and prefer escapism... but it has been a really long couple of weeks.... just look at the recent posts on my main page. The big one for me is the student loans. That is an instant stressor. I don't have $600 a month to pay that off... And I know I make close to the max amount to qualify. I make about $2300 gross a month. Too bad only about $1600 is take home... Just my student loan and rent would be $1346. I get pretty stressed just thinking about it. And knowing that they called is an added frustration. Now I have to call them back and fight with them some more. Then I'll probably have to send in a copy of all my pay stubs again... and eventually might get the money back from the bank... if I am lucky. I fucking hate dealing with the government on this one... And I know it's not like things at my job are going to improve and help me pay those loans off. I can't avoid them forever but I also can't afford to pay them back... Like I needed any more stress currently.
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