My Own Private Hell

Why is it that when it rains it just pours in my life.... I swear to god someone is out to get me.... Nothing ever runs smoothly for any length of time. Just when I think things are going well the rug gets pulled out from under me. And then somehow it becomes my own private hell with no way out.

Where do I begin on that one??? I am really trying to stay positive but it's becoming increasingly hard... I think it all started with the news that I wasn't being put forward for an interview for the team leader position. 5 months after my return they still didn't think I was up for the position. What more do I have to do? It's hard not to be really discouraged by that for many reasons. For one... my mom had gone on a long speech that I wasn't good enough. Looks like work, or at least certain people there, agreed. Plus, to a certain degree, my former TL had something to do with it. All I can do now is keep working hard and continue to prove myself.

Then there was my annual review. I was really stressed about that... and I'm not sure the stress ever really went away. I knew she was going to have a lot of negative things to say. Some of them true... but not all of them. It's hard to sit in a room and be reminded of what they thought. I know she tried to focus on the positive changes... but that isn't what I'm going to remember. And, of course, I didn't get my raise.

The same day I was listening to an agent looking for trends... somehow that turned into a 2.5 hour coaching session. Really wasn't what I was planning for the day. I missed my chiropractor appointment and it became a 12 hour day.

I may have had a three day weekend but this entire week I hven't been sleeping all that well and feel like I am fighting everything when I do get up. Makes it difficult to deal with customers and with agents. I've had a tough time getting Aces done as well which makes it worse. One more day to go... Now if I could just get some rest.

Financially it has also been rough... which always stresses me out. Goddamn student loans... It's probably the stress from being this broke... and not even knowing the status of my interest relief application that is making me cranky. It's hard to relax when you have absolutely no money... are late on bills... and know that the student loan center could just yank the money out as well. I have to call tomorrow and find out what they want.

Just when I thought it couldn't get worse... the police show up... basically just to remind me the charges were dropped. There was no such thing as justice. And thanks for the fucking reminder. Like I really needed it. Since the excuse they gave me was that there was a lack of witnesses I'd like to know what the hell they wanted... an accomplice to be videotaping the encounter? Last time I checked the legal definition of rape included intoxication and/or being unconscious. You couldn't give consent... But apparently that is meaningless. It's all pointless. It was an exercise in futility... he won... I lost... He gets his freedom and I get a lifetime of memories and pain.

This really has become my own private hell... Is there any way to make it stop? Why is it that I never get any peace? It doesn't seem to matter what I do there is no rest... all I see is chaos... and pain. A life of pain is no life at all... Somehow that is all it ever seems to be. Is there a point to existence? What did I do in a past life to deserve this??? Sleep... about the only time I feel nothing. Sleep... glorious sleep...

My Reality

So Steve is whining about his current financial state. Everyone I know is currently struggling financially. And if he really wanted to cut down on his debt then he would just sell some of his shit so that a) he might make some money and b) he wouldn't have to pay so much for storage fees. So forgive me if I am not all that sympathetic. I think there is a bit of a war brewing. I think he resents the fact he was paying rent at Times Square for 6 months since it did put him behind. But had he not moved in I would've had an easier time finding a roommate. He seems to want to guilt trip me though. He also seemed angry that I wasn't going to talk to him for three days. I'm on my weekend. The last thing I want to do is spend time with him. I just want to hide and not talk to anyone... well almost anyone. I will make certain exceptions to that. I have no reason to talk to him.

Then there is my reality. The first set of tests were done in February and were repeated a week later. Then 3 months later the tests were done again. Each time they have come up abnormal. I am still assuming low but on Monday I can confirm that. Having said that, I have to prepare myself for any possibility. It could be something fairly minor or something more serious. I even have to prepare myself for the possibility of a death sentence. I don't think it is that serious... but I still have to prepare myself for it.

So let me think about that.... should I feel bad for someone that lives at home, pays no rent but is still struggling financially? I've got my own shit to deal with.

Anger & Frustration

At this point I am angry enough to go back to the cutting. It's the reason I am off work so why not? And now I am off until I see the psychiatrist again. On one hand I don't want to give them the satisfaction. It's been 9 months now and I gave the knife away so I wouldn't be tempted. On the other hand, I want to prove a point. Cutting for me has always been about coping.. or not feeling anything at all. It's not about suicide. If I were drinking it wouldn't be an issue. I'd still be at work. Yet I am more likely to die from alcohol poisoning then with a knife. While I may not entirely condone the behaviour I am not entirely against it either. I believe there is too much of a stigma associated with it... and there is also a great deal of guilt.

Some of that anger comes from finances. They didn't pay me for any of the time off, not even the sick days. So my pay cheque was only for one week. Doesn't help me pay the bills. No idea when I'll get the money and it won't be 100%. It will be 60% of my wages.

Some of it is the LOA. They didn't tell I could refuse to take it. So I feel a little misled. I was under the impression that I had no choice. Had I known that I might not have been off work. Not to mention there is the whole aspect that they are forcing treatment on me. I had to make sure I was diagnosed with depression so that the doctor would clear me to return to work. So do I really have depression... we'll never really know.

The reason I am on an LOA is supposed to be confidential but it has been anything but. It would be one thing if I was off on a medical leave but since it's a mental leave I would rather people not know about it. Obviously, certain people have to know but at this rate they might as well send an email to the entire site since it has definitely not been kept confidential.

Lastly, there is the whole premise for the LOA. What they told me was that because I had the knife at work and gave it up I was considered a risk to myself or to others and I was on a leave until cleared by a doctor. I have now seen three doctors, the assessment nurse, and a psychiatrist and none of them considered me a risk. So... why am I not back at work? According to the letter they wrote the doctor my performance was lacking at work, I had numerous physical complaints, and then there was the knife. Of course, there are numerous physical complaints I am in chronic pain. I really haven't been sleeping either. That's also part of the reason my performance has been slipping. As for the knife... I had just seen my family.. was stressed with the roommate... and received 2 verbal warnings at work. I was stressed to the max and needed relief. The doctor they sent me to does not believe fibromyalgia is real which really didn't help. And he did not feel my performance at work would improve unless medicated. Then he denied me going back to work until I see the psychiatrist again. So it was obviously not just about whether or not I was a risk. And since my parents can't even force me into treatment why does work have that power? If they were actually treating the sleep... and the pain... and then determining if I really do have depression then I might be okay with it but to feel forced to be diagnosed with depression I'm not cool with.

So yeah I am a little angry right now over the whole situation. I think it could've been handled differently, more effectively. Right now I don't feel like I was taken into consideration. No one ever asked me why I thought I was having problems at work. No one took the time to ask me if I was okay and what I needed to get through it. If I was such a risk why did they wait 3 days for me to come back in? If it was about suicide I could've killed myself while I was off. Then they forced me off work and I didn't feel like I had a choice. The doctor then margninalized me by saying that "Fibromyalgia is typically a symptom of a psychiatric disorder" Then I was forced to see the assessment nurse and was basically given the message that unless I was on a prescription for anti-depressants then I would not be able to return to work. At that point it didn't matter whether I thought I was depressed I had to get the diagnosis to return to work. And to top it off the medication caused too many negative side effects and meant more time at the ER to be told it was normal. Hmm... can't imagine why I am angry with the whole experience. And since it was all over my cutting I do feel like I should go back to it. At least then it might be somewhat justified. I think I'll wait until after I get my medication changed though. That way I can still tell them it's been 9 months and while tempted I haven't acted on it.