Victim Mentality

With Mike finally quitting I feel like I should be closing the door on that chapter in my life. But it's not that easy. You don't just get over having your power taken away and being raped. It's not like you just walk away from that. I've had a hard time even reliving the event.... and it's now been a year. It really has changed my life. I don't go out. I wound up being on a seven week leave of absence because of the cutting.... the irony is that I wasn't even cutting. I just gave away the knife so I wouldn't end up going back to it. The charges were dropped. I saw him almost every day at work and there were people at work that spread rumours about me.

And now... I still feel like a victim. It happened in my own home. That sense of security was shattered. If I am not safe at home then where am I safe? I was further victimized by the justice system. The charges were dropped because there weren't enough witnesses. What exactly were they expecting? Did they want it caught on camera? Then there was work. They just shrugged their shoulders and said "It didn't happen here." As soon as they could legally get away with it he was allowed to wander the building... including into the same area where I work. Just to make it worse... right before the 1 year anniversary they moved him down the hall from me so I saw him numerous times a day. So every day I was further reminded.

I'm not sure my relationships will ever be the same. I already had issues with trust and intimacy from my family background and past experiences. Now I am back to not being able to let it go. The thought of intimacy terrifies me. How can I trust anyone? I hate to think of myself as a victim because society still associates that with weakness. There is a great deal of victim blaming. I know it wasn't my fault. I know that nothing justifies what he did. I just don't know how to get past that.