Defeated... Again

I think I have hit rock bottom. No money for groceries... and still no money for bills. It's an incredibly tough place to be. I'm working 55 hours a week just to try and recover from the whole battle with interest relief. Long hours and it just makes me more fatigued. So far it hasn't been too bad. But then it's not all that great either. If I was working for the extra money... and would have it to spend that might be one thing. But needing it to pay bills makes it a whole other story. And just adds to the stress.

I love my job and I do find it really rewarding. About the only stumbling block seems to surround pay. As a result of the current circumstance I feel pretty defeated. all the old memories from when I was growing up... The thoughts that I'm not good enough. I feel like I'm nothing... and I am always going to be nothing. Not that it takes much for me to doubt myself. I'm good at that.

It's been a long, drawn out week. Once pay day hit and I was officially broke I actually felt a little better. I guess because financially it couldn't get worse. I will freely admit that I am proud and try not to feel emotion, let alone show it. But it has just been an emotional rollercoaster. There have been many a night with me in tears. I am also a control freak and there just hasn't been a solution. I mean I am now digging myself out of it with overtime... but no permanent solution. It's not like my student loans are going away. Even if I do get the interest relief this time that's only a 6 month reprieve and then I face the same battle all over again. I need to find some way out of that.