Anger & Frustration

At this point I am angry enough to go back to the cutting. It's the reason I am off work so why not? And now I am off until I see the psychiatrist again. On one hand I don't want to give them the satisfaction. It's been 9 months now and I gave the knife away so I wouldn't be tempted. On the other hand, I want to prove a point. Cutting for me has always been about coping.. or not feeling anything at all. It's not about suicide. If I were drinking it wouldn't be an issue. I'd still be at work. Yet I am more likely to die from alcohol poisoning then with a knife. While I may not entirely condone the behaviour I am not entirely against it either. I believe there is too much of a stigma associated with it... and there is also a great deal of guilt.

Some of that anger comes from finances. They didn't pay me for any of the time off, not even the sick days. So my pay cheque was only for one week. Doesn't help me pay the bills. No idea when I'll get the money and it won't be 100%. It will be 60% of my wages.

Some of it is the LOA. They didn't tell I could refuse to take it. So I feel a little misled. I was under the impression that I had no choice. Had I known that I might not have been off work. Not to mention there is the whole aspect that they are forcing treatment on me. I had to make sure I was diagnosed with depression so that the doctor would clear me to return to work. So do I really have depression... we'll never really know.

The reason I am on an LOA is supposed to be confidential but it has been anything but. It would be one thing if I was off on a medical leave but since it's a mental leave I would rather people not know about it. Obviously, certain people have to know but at this rate they might as well send an email to the entire site since it has definitely not been kept confidential.

Lastly, there is the whole premise for the LOA. What they told me was that because I had the knife at work and gave it up I was considered a risk to myself or to others and I was on a leave until cleared by a doctor. I have now seen three doctors, the assessment nurse, and a psychiatrist and none of them considered me a risk. So... why am I not back at work? According to the letter they wrote the doctor my performance was lacking at work, I had numerous physical complaints, and then there was the knife. Of course, there are numerous physical complaints I am in chronic pain. I really haven't been sleeping either. That's also part of the reason my performance has been slipping. As for the knife... I had just seen my family.. was stressed with the roommate... and received 2 verbal warnings at work. I was stressed to the max and needed relief. The doctor they sent me to does not believe fibromyalgia is real which really didn't help. And he did not feel my performance at work would improve unless medicated. Then he denied me going back to work until I see the psychiatrist again. So it was obviously not just about whether or not I was a risk. And since my parents can't even force me into treatment why does work have that power? If they were actually treating the sleep... and the pain... and then determining if I really do have depression then I might be okay with it but to feel forced to be diagnosed with depression I'm not cool with.

So yeah I am a little angry right now over the whole situation. I think it could've been handled differently, more effectively. Right now I don't feel like I was taken into consideration. No one ever asked me why I thought I was having problems at work. No one took the time to ask me if I was okay and what I needed to get through it. If I was such a risk why did they wait 3 days for me to come back in? If it was about suicide I could've killed myself while I was off. Then they forced me off work and I didn't feel like I had a choice. The doctor then margninalized me by saying that "Fibromyalgia is typically a symptom of a psychiatric disorder" Then I was forced to see the assessment nurse and was basically given the message that unless I was on a prescription for anti-depressants then I would not be able to return to work. At that point it didn't matter whether I thought I was depressed I had to get the diagnosis to return to work. And to top it off the medication caused too many negative side effects and meant more time at the ER to be told it was normal. Hmm... can't imagine why I am angry with the whole experience. And since it was all over my cutting I do feel like I should go back to it. At least then it might be somewhat justified. I think I'll wait until after I get my medication changed though. That way I can still tell them it's been 9 months and while tempted I haven't acted on it.