Drank the Kool-Aid and Joined the Cult

Mmmm.... Kool-Aid. I did a search for killer Kool-Aid when I was thinking about this post. I managed to find a number of recipes for alcoholic beverages. Some other time I might have to post them instead.

Langone and West had this to say about cults: "Cults are groups that often exploit members psychologically and/or financially, typically by making members comply with leadership's demands through certain types of psychological manipulation, popularly called mind control, and through the inculcation of deep-seated anxious dependency on the group and its leaders.¹ "A cult is a group or movement exhibiting a great or excessive devotion or dedication to some person, idea or thing and employing unethically manipulative techniques of persuasion and control (e.g. isolation from former friends and family, debilitation, use of special methods to heighten suggestibility and subservience, powerful group pressures, information management, suspension of individuality or critical judgement, promotion of total dependency on the group and fear of [consequences of] leaving it, etc) designed to advance the goals of the group's leaders to the actual or possible detriment of members, their families, or the community."

Whenever you hear the word cult it automatically brings with it a reaction... images that come to mind. It's easy to think of Jim Jones, Heavens Gate, group pressure and brainwashing. We think that we will never fall into this trap. Most forms of abuse also involve some form of psychological abuse. It is the underpinning of everything else. I would argue that anyone who is abused as a child (or even experienced abuse as an adult) has already seen the cult mentality and been apart of it. Not all cults are to the extremes of Jonestown or Heavens Gate.

We just don't want to think of our parents as cult leaders. If we did then we wouldn't be able to idealize them quite so much. But it's not that hard to see some of the links. Manipulation... persuasion... and control are all common in abusive situations. We learn to keep the family secret and isolate ourselves to protect it. It's really not so different from that definition of a cult.

So maybe the healing process should be like what happens when someone gets out of a cult. They go through deprogramming. One method of deprogramming is used by Patrick: "When you deprogram people, you force them to think. ... But I keep them off balance and this forces them to begin questioning, to open their minds. When the mind gets to a certain point, they can see through all the lies that they've been programmed to believe. They realize that they've been duped and they come out of it. Their minds start working again. " Maybe that is what you need to recover from abuse and become the person that others see. Deprogramming is definitely better then the killer kool-aid and the cyanide that goes with it.

Trapped

Right now I feel like I am trapped and can't escape. I have a large number of stressors right now... my student loan and work being the two biggest. My stalker seems to want to take advantage of my weaknesses. The more stress I am under the more the Fibromyalgia acts up and then the more help I need. Steve preys on that. He's very manipulative and lives for taking advantage of me. I wish it wasn't true... and I wish I didn't have to say that. But he also knows not to be predictable. He doesn't hit on me every time he is over. In fact, it is a small percentage of the time. I suspect it's so I can't predict the pattern and so I don't completely sever all ties. I know I need to cut off all contact but it's easier said then done. He knows what buttons to press... and he knows just what to say. It's the art of manipulation. Part of me thinks I need him in my life. He runs errands for me... gives me a ride to work... takes out the recycling. But at what cost? For all that is it worth sacrificing myself? The obvious answer is no... but when all you know is abuse that answer doesn't come so easily. He just repeats what my parents did... and no matter what I am loyal to them. I'm like the obedient dog that just comes back for more. Kick me while I am down... It doesn't matter. In a nutshell... Steve is the predator and I am the prey.

Art of Manipulation

Manipulate can be defined as, "influence, manage, use, or control to one's advantage by artful or indirect means." To a certain degree I think we all use manipulation at times to get our way. It's effective... especially for some people.

I was reading an excerpt from the book "In Sheep's Clothing" and realized there was a lot of truth to it. We don't want to admit that we have been manipulated or that someone has control over us so it can be difficult to break free.

I know a few people that have perfected the art of manipulation. The worst part is that it almost always involves some type of faked interest or concern about my life... but they know I'll be the doormat. It's part of my nature to be the helper... I'll be there to listen no matter what it costs me.

Val does a great job of being manipulative. Because of her I spent 4 months living in fear... and she made it so that I couldn't trust anyone else. She also was the reason for my LOA. Meanwhile, while she was busy destroying me... I made a great therapist. Not that she was ever going to listen to my advice but misery loves company. Talk about a relationship built on power and control... with nothing in common. I never have MSN on these days because I don't want empty conversations about nothing. People kept telling me to break free of the relationship but I had trouble believing that she was like that. Whenever she was losing control just take on the sick role.

Steve is another person that has really perfected manipulation... I HATE him but I can't seem to break free. There are very few people that have hurt me as much as he has. But he knows what buttons to push and how to keep me from severing all ties permanently... or pressing charges for that matter. There's always an element of fear just under the surface. He preys on the family life I had and the fact I was victimized. I am sure he is trying to find a way to make sure I don't go to Niagara Falls permanently. He already commented on how there will be a lot of competetion... knowing that it would lead me to doubt myself. But I know that trick... He also made comments about management having an issue with me... but followed that with Niagara being the best thing for me... so that it sounds like he wants me to go... but in reality just wants me to doubt myself so that I don't get the job.

It all comes back to my mother though... She is the winner in that category. The job opportunity in Niagara Falls is a perfect example. She started by using the family as a reason not to go. Hmm.. that was one of my biggest motivators to go. When that didn't work then she went into the job I currently have. She seemed to think I'd want to do this forever. i love my job but no I don't want to do it forever. That one didn't work either. So then she had to go on the attack. Then she focused in on the competetion and how I couldn't do the job. Now she has no experience in the field... has never heard about my performance at work... and has no way of knowing whether or not I could do the job. I think she figured she won, or at least scored some points, with that one because she then let it go.