Manipulate can be defined as, "influence, manage, use, or control to one's advantage by artful or indirect means." To a certain degree I think we all use manipulation at times to get our way. It's effective... especially for some people.
I was reading an excerpt from the book "In Sheep's Clothing" and realized there was a lot of truth to it. We don't want to admit that we have been manipulated or that someone has control over us so it can be difficult to break free.
I know a few people that have perfected the art of manipulation. The worst part is that it almost always involves some type of faked interest or concern about my life... but they know I'll be the doormat. It's part of my nature to be the helper... I'll be there to listen no matter what it costs me.
Val does a great job of being manipulative. Because of her I spent 4 months living in fear... and she made it so that I couldn't trust anyone else. She also was the reason for my LOA. Meanwhile, while she was busy destroying me... I made a great therapist. Not that she was ever going to listen to my advice but misery loves company. Talk about a relationship built on power and control... with nothing in common. I never have MSN on these days because I don't want empty conversations about nothing. People kept telling me to break free of the relationship but I had trouble believing that she was like that. Whenever she was losing control just take on the sick role.
Steve is another person that has really perfected manipulation... I HATE him but I can't seem to break free. There are very few people that have hurt me as much as he has. But he knows what buttons to push and how to keep me from severing all ties permanently... or pressing charges for that matter. There's always an element of fear just under the surface. He preys on the family life I had and the fact I was victimized. I am sure he is trying to find a way to make sure I don't go to Niagara Falls permanently. He already commented on how there will be a lot of competetion... knowing that it would lead me to doubt myself. But I know that trick... He also made comments about management having an issue with me... but followed that with Niagara being the best thing for me... so that it sounds like he wants me to go... but in reality just wants me to doubt myself so that I don't get the job.
It all comes back to my mother though... She is the winner in that category. The job opportunity in Niagara Falls is a perfect example. She started by using the family as a reason not to go. Hmm.. that was one of my biggest motivators to go. When that didn't work then she went into the job I currently have. She seemed to think I'd want to do this forever. i love my job but no I don't want to do it forever. That one didn't work either. So then she had to go on the attack. Then she focused in on the competetion and how I couldn't do the job. Now she has no experience in the field... has never heard about my performance at work... and has no way of knowing whether or not I could do the job. I think she figured she won, or at least scored some points, with that one because she then let it go.
Showing posts with label Val. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Val. Show all posts
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
Sunday, June 18, 2006
The Trust Continuum
I suppose I am back to drawing on my psychology background. I was thinking about the contrast between Val and me. A healthy relationship includes setting boundaries. Some things you just don't share... and you don't tell everyone. At the other end of the continuum are the people that cut themselves off and trust no one. That one is just as unhealthy. You have to be able to trust people. No man is an island.
Since I am back to stealing from a web site... Boundaries are the limits that allow for safe connections between individuals. A boundary is that defining space which clarifies "you" and "me." Our understandings of what are acceptable boundaries grow out of our family of origin. A healthy boundary allows an individual to relate with genuineness to others. Persons with healthy boundaries know how to provide for their own personal privacy and safety. Appropriate intimacy and the achievement of trust is possible in relationships because there is no fear of losing "self" in establishing connections with others.
Persons with unclear boundaries establish the "locus of control" outside themselves. They allow others to define who they are, what they think, where they go. Intimacy for this individual can easily lead to abuse if those with whom they relate prove untrustworthy.
Persons with rigid boundaries are generally distant, unconnected, and lonely. These individuals have found "safety" through rejecting connections with others. Frequently these responses are a result of past abuse or emotional trauma. Intimacy and trust seem beyond reach.
I know I push people away. I am afraid to actually get close to someone for fear of being hurt. Fear of rejection and the fear of it being used against me... as it had been on numerous occassions. My motto was "Trust no one... that way you don't get hurt." There is a lot of truth to that... but it's also a world of isolation. Intimacy... what the fuck is that? Why did I cheat? The same reason I got in bad relationships... so that I had an excuse not to trust them. It allowed me to push them away. With Adam it was the only time I ever allowed myself to give a damn... to trust someone... and be vulnerable. That's probably also why it hurt so much when it ended... and why I still have mixed emotions whenever I think of him.
I know there are a few reasons for my lack of trust. The first reason stems from the abuse and keeping the family secret. When I did open up about it then it became a fight with my parents. Then there were my "so-called" friends... who betrayed that trust. Eventually I just didn't want to take the chance of being vulnerable. Now, I think the biggest reason that I don't trust anyone is because I have devalued myself to the point where I don't think I am worth anyone else's time. And I have trouble asking for help. I'm not saying I don't need help... I just don't admit to it... or ask for the help. I rely only on myself.
Since I am back to stealing from a web site... Boundaries are the limits that allow for safe connections between individuals. A boundary is that defining space which clarifies "you" and "me." Our understandings of what are acceptable boundaries grow out of our family of origin. A healthy boundary allows an individual to relate with genuineness to others. Persons with healthy boundaries know how to provide for their own personal privacy and safety. Appropriate intimacy and the achievement of trust is possible in relationships because there is no fear of losing "self" in establishing connections with others.
Persons with unclear boundaries establish the "locus of control" outside themselves. They allow others to define who they are, what they think, where they go. Intimacy for this individual can easily lead to abuse if those with whom they relate prove untrustworthy.
Persons with rigid boundaries are generally distant, unconnected, and lonely. These individuals have found "safety" through rejecting connections with others. Frequently these responses are a result of past abuse or emotional trauma. Intimacy and trust seem beyond reach.
I know I push people away. I am afraid to actually get close to someone for fear of being hurt. Fear of rejection and the fear of it being used against me... as it had been on numerous occassions. My motto was "Trust no one... that way you don't get hurt." There is a lot of truth to that... but it's also a world of isolation. Intimacy... what the fuck is that? Why did I cheat? The same reason I got in bad relationships... so that I had an excuse not to trust them. It allowed me to push them away. With Adam it was the only time I ever allowed myself to give a damn... to trust someone... and be vulnerable. That's probably also why it hurt so much when it ended... and why I still have mixed emotions whenever I think of him.
I know there are a few reasons for my lack of trust. The first reason stems from the abuse and keeping the family secret. When I did open up about it then it became a fight with my parents. Then there were my "so-called" friends... who betrayed that trust. Eventually I just didn't want to take the chance of being vulnerable. Now, I think the biggest reason that I don't trust anyone is because I have devalued myself to the point where I don't think I am worth anyone else's time. And I have trouble asking for help. I'm not saying I don't need help... I just don't admit to it... or ask for the help. I rely only on myself.
Sunday, March 05, 2006
Some People
So the road back to work has had mixed reactions. Now most people have been supportive of me returning to work and have been pretty encouraging. Of course a lot of people still ask me why I was off but it is becoming more routine. I'm also on a new team so it is like new beginnings.
Val will always be Val. Some things never change. She talks a lot about how glad she is I am back because she didn't like not being able to answer questions. Surprise surprise... it's not that I am back it's all about her. We won't even mention that she is part of the reason I was off work in the first place. Now she is just trying to play the political game. I prefer honesty to politics. But I am now across the call center from her so I can hide a little better. I don't have to talk to her at all. I am happy about that. She said she feels like she is being watched, and has been since I left work. With her little plea for an intervention it wouldn't really shock me if they are monitoring her. She also said that they were watching me on my return. I guess they weren't watching me all that closely. During my SPT time I took a few extra breaks. Once I was back on the phones I didn't do that. But I was in the back corner... kinda hard to watch me there. I don't need paranoia. Matt tried the same stunt with me and it backfired for him.
And then there is Steve. He still grates on my nerves something fierce. Now that I have given notice they can show my apartment as long as they give me notice. I am ashamed at his bedroom. Hell it was the main reason I didn't go looking for a roommate. Yes I keep the apartment pretty neat but that doesn't mean I am obsessive compuslive and demand that the apartment be spotless. I can tolerate some mess... but it looks like a storage unit. It's embarassing.
His attitides are somewhat entertaining. He's a self proclaimed "cheap bastard" and an "asshole." When you shop most at the dollar store and value village then yes I would have to say you're cheap. But when you stock up on useless shit just because you never know... then it's kind of pointless. He'll hear something that sounds like it might be a good deal and just have to pick it up. So now he's paying for three storage units and wonders why he never has any money. Hmm... get rid of some of that stuff and save up for what you really want. Just my thought any ways.
Apparently the building manger left a note on his van indicating he should call her. My guess is that it's about him volunteering to help clear out the storage units here and dispose of it... or it's about the one bedroom that is coming available. But his automatic reaction was to think they want him to become a superintendent. I think he has a bit of an ego there. Are they really going to ask someone to take over the position out of the blue? Especially when that person has indicated that they are moving out of the building. Wild guess but I am willing to bet that isn't why she wanted him to call.
Either way I am looking forward to a place on my own... away from him. And now I am away from Val as well... so things really are looking up.
Val will always be Val. Some things never change. She talks a lot about how glad she is I am back because she didn't like not being able to answer questions. Surprise surprise... it's not that I am back it's all about her. We won't even mention that she is part of the reason I was off work in the first place. Now she is just trying to play the political game. I prefer honesty to politics. But I am now across the call center from her so I can hide a little better. I don't have to talk to her at all. I am happy about that. She said she feels like she is being watched, and has been since I left work. With her little plea for an intervention it wouldn't really shock me if they are monitoring her. She also said that they were watching me on my return. I guess they weren't watching me all that closely. During my SPT time I took a few extra breaks. Once I was back on the phones I didn't do that. But I was in the back corner... kinda hard to watch me there. I don't need paranoia. Matt tried the same stunt with me and it backfired for him.
And then there is Steve. He still grates on my nerves something fierce. Now that I have given notice they can show my apartment as long as they give me notice. I am ashamed at his bedroom. Hell it was the main reason I didn't go looking for a roommate. Yes I keep the apartment pretty neat but that doesn't mean I am obsessive compuslive and demand that the apartment be spotless. I can tolerate some mess... but it looks like a storage unit. It's embarassing.
His attitides are somewhat entertaining. He's a self proclaimed "cheap bastard" and an "asshole." When you shop most at the dollar store and value village then yes I would have to say you're cheap. But when you stock up on useless shit just because you never know... then it's kind of pointless. He'll hear something that sounds like it might be a good deal and just have to pick it up. So now he's paying for three storage units and wonders why he never has any money. Hmm... get rid of some of that stuff and save up for what you really want. Just my thought any ways.
Apparently the building manger left a note on his van indicating he should call her. My guess is that it's about him volunteering to help clear out the storage units here and dispose of it... or it's about the one bedroom that is coming available. But his automatic reaction was to think they want him to become a superintendent. I think he has a bit of an ego there. Are they really going to ask someone to take over the position out of the blue? Especially when that person has indicated that they are moving out of the building. Wild guess but I am willing to bet that isn't why she wanted him to call.
Either way I am looking forward to a place on my own... away from him. And now I am away from Val as well... so things really are looking up.
Thursday, February 23, 2006
Friends
Being off work for 7 weeks has given me time to reflect on friendships. It's also revealed true friendships vs fairweather friends. Some of that was not a suprise but other people showing their support actually was surprising.
Val
No real surprises here... She's partially responsible for me being off work. Val had a breakdown as a result of me being off work (what exactly did that have to do with her?) and was told to stay away from me. In some ways that is a blessing. During the first few days off she added a great deal of stress to my life. Ever time I talk to her it's small talk and I wouldn't say she has been all that supportive. I think she is too busy playing the political game and refuses to take sides. Not that I am asking her to take my side but repeating back the same rhetoric I heard from work is not supportive and doesn't help me.
Steve
Again not really a surprise. With me being off work I see him a lot more then I normally would. While he's backed off trying to get me to sleep with him he hasn't been the most supportive. I'll be honest. I don't care about the calls he took today. I don't really want to think about work. And he's been quite vocal about his opinions of Chris. I know he wants to divide us but I've got enough to deal with. I don't need a battle with him about it, especially not one that becomes a nightly occurance. I'm off work because they think I am depressed. The best thing people can do is help me relax and take my mind off work... not try and aggravate me. Not to mention his ability to add stress to my life over the financial situation... or mentioning looking for a new place to live when I can't even pay my bills, let alone come up with last month's rent to move elsewhere.
Christie
While I have not talked to her that much during my time off she has still been supportive and offered encouragement when I needed it. That is important since a lot of people have been quite negative so it was nice to have someone that was positive.
Tammy
I'm actually surprised about how supportive Tammy has been. Sure we talk at work but I didn't figure I'd hear from her until I came back to work. I was surprised when I saw a post-it note on my door with her phone number and email address. She even sent me a virtual card which was sweet. Then she kidnapped me to give me some time away. Okay so I wasn't really kidnapped. I did have a choice. But it meant a lot to me. Even after knowing why I was off work she didn't hold it against me or judge me for it. I appreciate people that are honest with me.
Adam
The one person involved not from work (aside from family any ways). He didn't even know about it until late in my leave of absence. But he has been pretty supportive and took me out to get some fresh air. I still find it kind of weird that one of the most supportive people in my life is an ex. But I know he still cares about me... maybe even more then he wants to admit. But I can tell him just about anything and he won't hold it against me. I know he'll be honest with his opinions. He lets me vent when I need to and sometimes that's all you need.
So this has been a learning experience. Let's see what I take from it when I do return to work.
Val
No real surprises here... She's partially responsible for me being off work. Val had a breakdown as a result of me being off work (what exactly did that have to do with her?) and was told to stay away from me. In some ways that is a blessing. During the first few days off she added a great deal of stress to my life. Ever time I talk to her it's small talk and I wouldn't say she has been all that supportive. I think she is too busy playing the political game and refuses to take sides. Not that I am asking her to take my side but repeating back the same rhetoric I heard from work is not supportive and doesn't help me.
Steve
Again not really a surprise. With me being off work I see him a lot more then I normally would. While he's backed off trying to get me to sleep with him he hasn't been the most supportive. I'll be honest. I don't care about the calls he took today. I don't really want to think about work. And he's been quite vocal about his opinions of Chris. I know he wants to divide us but I've got enough to deal with. I don't need a battle with him about it, especially not one that becomes a nightly occurance. I'm off work because they think I am depressed. The best thing people can do is help me relax and take my mind off work... not try and aggravate me. Not to mention his ability to add stress to my life over the financial situation... or mentioning looking for a new place to live when I can't even pay my bills, let alone come up with last month's rent to move elsewhere.
Christie
While I have not talked to her that much during my time off she has still been supportive and offered encouragement when I needed it. That is important since a lot of people have been quite negative so it was nice to have someone that was positive.
Tammy
I'm actually surprised about how supportive Tammy has been. Sure we talk at work but I didn't figure I'd hear from her until I came back to work. I was surprised when I saw a post-it note on my door with her phone number and email address. She even sent me a virtual card which was sweet. Then she kidnapped me to give me some time away. Okay so I wasn't really kidnapped. I did have a choice. But it meant a lot to me. Even after knowing why I was off work she didn't hold it against me or judge me for it. I appreciate people that are honest with me.
Adam
The one person involved not from work (aside from family any ways). He didn't even know about it until late in my leave of absence. But he has been pretty supportive and took me out to get some fresh air. I still find it kind of weird that one of the most supportive people in my life is an ex. But I know he still cares about me... maybe even more then he wants to admit. But I can tell him just about anything and he won't hold it against me. I know he'll be honest with his opinions. He lets me vent when I need to and sometimes that's all you need.
So this has been a learning experience. Let's see what I take from it when I do return to work.
Friday, February 03, 2006
Negative Energy
Some days I wish I could just tune everyone out... and I do mean everyone. Being on a leave of absence means I don't have to listen to as many people but there still seems to be a lot of negative energy in the people that are talking to me. Well for once my mom didn't have anything negative to say.
Dad seemed to be pushing for me to forget the doctor I now have in Peterborough and contact my aunt's doctor to see if he would accept me. How about I just stay where I am and see what happens?
Val had to keep me updated on the happenings at work. I am off work. I really don't care that the server went down for a while. Nor do I care about the peer feedbacks and scope of support. It has no bearing on my life currently. I am not there and won't be back anytime soon. It is interesting that Jarratt is covering for me while I am off but aside from that I don't want to talk about work. Every conversation seems to be the same... work... horses... my battle with the doctors... it gets repetetive. For the most part I don't even like talking to her at the moment. Then again... she also went up to one of my agents to discuss me and that still bothers me.
Then there is Steve... He is the biggest source of negative energy. I get to hear all about his calls and what's going on at work. Every day he pushes me to request a new team when I do return to work and is quite open on his dislike for Chris. I hear about it all the time. Coming from him this is nothing new but it is tiresome. I don't want to hear it. It's pointless and is nothing more then his opinion.
While I may not agree with the decision that was made to send me on an LOA it has allowed me to actually get treatment for the Fibro and the fatigue that goes with it. This has been my chance to get better and come back at 100% something I haven't been in a long time. I just want to be able to recover in peace and would rather people be positive about it. If you don't have anything good to say then don't say anything at all.
I dread him being around because it is just such a negative experience. I enjoy the time alone with just Azrael. It's the only time I get peace and quiet. No one to give their opinion on the current situation. So far the most positive person has been Tammy who sent me a get well card. It meant a lot because for once someone wasn't giving their 2 cents... just encouraged me to get better. I need more people like that. :o)
I still have three weeks to go at a minimum before I am back to work. 2 weeks until I can get Dr. Caskey to sign the medical certificate. Between now and then I would really like to isolate myself... or at least be around positive people. Negativity is not going to help me recover and feel better. Positivity is where it's at.
Dad seemed to be pushing for me to forget the doctor I now have in Peterborough and contact my aunt's doctor to see if he would accept me. How about I just stay where I am and see what happens?
Val had to keep me updated on the happenings at work. I am off work. I really don't care that the server went down for a while. Nor do I care about the peer feedbacks and scope of support. It has no bearing on my life currently. I am not there and won't be back anytime soon. It is interesting that Jarratt is covering for me while I am off but aside from that I don't want to talk about work. Every conversation seems to be the same... work... horses... my battle with the doctors... it gets repetetive. For the most part I don't even like talking to her at the moment. Then again... she also went up to one of my agents to discuss me and that still bothers me.
Then there is Steve... He is the biggest source of negative energy. I get to hear all about his calls and what's going on at work. Every day he pushes me to request a new team when I do return to work and is quite open on his dislike for Chris. I hear about it all the time. Coming from him this is nothing new but it is tiresome. I don't want to hear it. It's pointless and is nothing more then his opinion.
While I may not agree with the decision that was made to send me on an LOA it has allowed me to actually get treatment for the Fibro and the fatigue that goes with it. This has been my chance to get better and come back at 100% something I haven't been in a long time. I just want to be able to recover in peace and would rather people be positive about it. If you don't have anything good to say then don't say anything at all.
I dread him being around because it is just such a negative experience. I enjoy the time alone with just Azrael. It's the only time I get peace and quiet. No one to give their opinion on the current situation. So far the most positive person has been Tammy who sent me a get well card. It meant a lot because for once someone wasn't giving their 2 cents... just encouraged me to get better. I need more people like that. :o)
I still have three weeks to go at a minimum before I am back to work. 2 weeks until I can get Dr. Caskey to sign the medical certificate. Between now and then I would really like to isolate myself... or at least be around positive people. Negativity is not going to help me recover and feel better. Positivity is where it's at.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Verbal Warning
Well this time it wasn't me that got the verbal warning... it was Val. Have I mentioned yet that my life is a soap opera? I made a bad decision involving Dawn in my own personal issues and I regret that. I really didn't mean to put her in that place as I've said before. Initially when I pulled the knife out at work it was actually a bad joke but she knew why I had it there... Well actually I had it because I forgot to take it out of my pants pocket. I wouldn't use it at work and didn't mean to have it on me. But any ways... that was still a really bad decision on my part. So then when I gave up the knife Val went to her about it and seemed to think I needed an intervention. But she really crossed the line. Dawn was on a call and made it clear that she didn't want to talk about it. I never should've involved Dawn... and Val should've left it alone. So Val got a verbal warning over it and was told not to come visit me... which is fine by me. Now she is trying to say that she only did it in case Dawn needed someone to talk to... and that she apologized for it. Yes she apologized for it, but not because she meant it... because she knew she was in the wrong and never should've gone to her in the first place. But as far as her motivations go, that wasn't it at all. She wanted someone to share her concerns and wanted someone to intervene. She's lying to herself if she thinks otherwise. The drama continues...
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Leave Me Be
So now that I am back to the Disturbed song that I posted a little while ago... from "Just Stop"
Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life
Just stop the judgment and all of your pseudo-involvement in my life
All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
To be the best in the world
This time it's not directed at my family though... this time it goes out to Val. I'm done. I've had enough. Stop judging me and let me choose the ways I need to cope. Just because you don't agree with it... it's still my decision. You do what you have to in order to cope with what life throws at you. I'm not about to be one of those people wearing the bracelets in support of cutting. But it is just another way to cope... it just doesn't happen to be socially acceptable. All I ask is that you try and look through my eyes for a change and try to understand why I did it. I stopped myself. I got rid of the knife. Instead of being proud of that decision and acknowledging that I'm okay Val expressed her concern to someone else. I don't need a fucking intervention. I'm not going to kill myself. Since I gave up the knife I'm not a risk at all... I am not going out and buying another one.
I am much more likely to die from alcohol poisoning but that is acceptable. I'm sure Val would encourage me to get out... get drunk... and stop thinking about everything that is going on. How is that any better? It is just another way to become numb. One that often leads to worse choices.
I don't eat for 2 days and people don't think I need an intervention. That's just as unhealthy. But anorexia is also more socially acceptable.
I have never had to make a trip to the hospital after cutting... never even remotely been close to serious injury... well okay I guess there was that one time back in my younger days. It's all controlled. In fact cutting is typically about control... regaining it... finding a balance.
I am not going back to the cutting. But leave me alone and let me cope the way I need to, not the way you want me to. Even if that does mean that one day I do back to it. Val is one of the reasons there is so much shame and stigma associated with it. If you can't accept me for who I am (the good and the bad) then you are not my friend. I try not to judge people for the way they cope because I understand that you do what you have to in order to survive. So, stop with the judgements and the condescending attitude. It's not helping me. If you want to be a friend then actually open your ears and listen.. be there and support me. And be proud that I made it through another day without self-injury.
Heather
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life
Just stop the judgment and all of your pseudo-involvement in my life
All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
To be the best in the world
This time it's not directed at my family though... this time it goes out to Val. I'm done. I've had enough. Stop judging me and let me choose the ways I need to cope. Just because you don't agree with it... it's still my decision. You do what you have to in order to cope with what life throws at you. I'm not about to be one of those people wearing the bracelets in support of cutting. But it is just another way to cope... it just doesn't happen to be socially acceptable. All I ask is that you try and look through my eyes for a change and try to understand why I did it. I stopped myself. I got rid of the knife. Instead of being proud of that decision and acknowledging that I'm okay Val expressed her concern to someone else. I don't need a fucking intervention. I'm not going to kill myself. Since I gave up the knife I'm not a risk at all... I am not going out and buying another one.
I am much more likely to die from alcohol poisoning but that is acceptable. I'm sure Val would encourage me to get out... get drunk... and stop thinking about everything that is going on. How is that any better? It is just another way to become numb. One that often leads to worse choices.
I don't eat for 2 days and people don't think I need an intervention. That's just as unhealthy. But anorexia is also more socially acceptable.
I have never had to make a trip to the hospital after cutting... never even remotely been close to serious injury... well okay I guess there was that one time back in my younger days. It's all controlled. In fact cutting is typically about control... regaining it... finding a balance.
I am not going back to the cutting. But leave me alone and let me cope the way I need to, not the way you want me to. Even if that does mean that one day I do back to it. Val is one of the reasons there is so much shame and stigma associated with it. If you can't accept me for who I am (the good and the bad) then you are not my friend. I try not to judge people for the way they cope because I understand that you do what you have to in order to survive. So, stop with the judgements and the condescending attitude. It's not helping me. If you want to be a friend then actually open your ears and listen.. be there and support me. And be proud that I made it through another day without self-injury.
Heather
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
TGIF
I am extremely happy that it is Friday... thinking I should go offline and just hide for the remainder of the weekend. Might even relax if I did that. Been a rough week so far. Still not as bad as the beginning of 2005 though.
Ongoing issues with the roommate. I really need to find a new one, and fast. While I don't think I can get him out of my life permanently it would still help. At least then I wouldn't have to see him nearly as much. Have I mentioned how much I hate small talk? Looks like he hasn't got that message. Silence is valuable. I don't want you to talk just for the sake of talking. With most people it wouldn't bother me but he irks me more and more every day.
My sister was also in the hospital three times. So that has added some stress to my life, especially since they aren't really sure what's going on and why she is in so much pain. At this point they think it's an ulcer... caused by bacteria eating through the lining of the stomach. But it's a waiting game now, until they know more.
At work I got 2 verbal warnings within 2 days. Something I had managed to avoid for three years. The first one was for sales... or lack of. It's always been my weak point. The second one was for my tone. I admit it was a bad call. And it is something I struggle with. To a certain degree I think it's related to hearing "US desktop" when I answer the phone. I actually dread going on the phones for that reason... especially since they have increased the amount of time I am on the phones. It is a mental block for me. I worked hard to get away from that... going to portables and then Canada/Legacy and now am back where I started. Guess I am going to have to find some way to overcome that and have no idea how to. So it has me feeling a little discouraged at the moment. If that wasn't enough, I also found out that I didn't meet my mandate last month because of a scheduling conflict with one of my agents. I came in early twice to do the ace and was unable to complete it.
Needless to say this week has not been so great for me. I was really tempted to go back to the cutting. Then at least I'd feel nothing at all. That would be better then this uneasy, restless feeling I currently have. I knew better so I gave the knife away. I knew if I didn't I would end up using it. Then I made the mistake of telling Val who had it since she was concerned I might go back to it. I didn't think she would go to that person and try and start an intervention. Do I look like I need an intervention? A stiff drink maybe.. but not an intervention. I got rid of the knife so that I didn't use it. Isn't that good enough? I guess not. Now it's just become a drama. And made me realize, for the last time, that Val cannot be trusted and has no concept of the word confidentiality. I also ended up putting the other person into the middle of it and that wasn't fair to her. I really didn't want that to happen and had hoped that if Val was concerned about me that she would come to me, not go to someone else.
So let's do a quick summary of the week:
Work: Questionable
Friends: Lost one
Family: Sister has ongoing medical issues
Home: Still have the stalker/roommate with no end in sight
Yep it has been a great week. I did finally get some needed sleep today. It was pretty much the high point for me. Overall I am doing better now. I have a couple of days to rest and Steve is back at work so I won't see him quite as much as I had been. I just needed some time off to clear my head and relax. Been crazy with the holidays. Seeing my family always takes a toll on me. So does the Christmas season and I didn't feel like I had much time off around then. In spite of everything I am feeling a lot more positive now. All I need now is to find a roommate... then things will really be looking up. And figure out how to get over the mental block at work. But things could be worse. I could be repeating 2005... or I could be unemployed.... homeless... etc.
"No day but today" (Rent)
Ongoing issues with the roommate. I really need to find a new one, and fast. While I don't think I can get him out of my life permanently it would still help. At least then I wouldn't have to see him nearly as much. Have I mentioned how much I hate small talk? Looks like he hasn't got that message. Silence is valuable. I don't want you to talk just for the sake of talking. With most people it wouldn't bother me but he irks me more and more every day.
My sister was also in the hospital three times. So that has added some stress to my life, especially since they aren't really sure what's going on and why she is in so much pain. At this point they think it's an ulcer... caused by bacteria eating through the lining of the stomach. But it's a waiting game now, until they know more.
At work I got 2 verbal warnings within 2 days. Something I had managed to avoid for three years. The first one was for sales... or lack of. It's always been my weak point. The second one was for my tone. I admit it was a bad call. And it is something I struggle with. To a certain degree I think it's related to hearing "US desktop" when I answer the phone. I actually dread going on the phones for that reason... especially since they have increased the amount of time I am on the phones. It is a mental block for me. I worked hard to get away from that... going to portables and then Canada/Legacy and now am back where I started. Guess I am going to have to find some way to overcome that and have no idea how to. So it has me feeling a little discouraged at the moment. If that wasn't enough, I also found out that I didn't meet my mandate last month because of a scheduling conflict with one of my agents. I came in early twice to do the ace and was unable to complete it.
Needless to say this week has not been so great for me. I was really tempted to go back to the cutting. Then at least I'd feel nothing at all. That would be better then this uneasy, restless feeling I currently have. I knew better so I gave the knife away. I knew if I didn't I would end up using it. Then I made the mistake of telling Val who had it since she was concerned I might go back to it. I didn't think she would go to that person and try and start an intervention. Do I look like I need an intervention? A stiff drink maybe.. but not an intervention. I got rid of the knife so that I didn't use it. Isn't that good enough? I guess not. Now it's just become a drama. And made me realize, for the last time, that Val cannot be trusted and has no concept of the word confidentiality. I also ended up putting the other person into the middle of it and that wasn't fair to her. I really didn't want that to happen and had hoped that if Val was concerned about me that she would come to me, not go to someone else.
So let's do a quick summary of the week:
Work: Questionable
Friends: Lost one
Family: Sister has ongoing medical issues
Home: Still have the stalker/roommate with no end in sight
Yep it has been a great week. I did finally get some needed sleep today. It was pretty much the high point for me. Overall I am doing better now. I have a couple of days to rest and Steve is back at work so I won't see him quite as much as I had been. I just needed some time off to clear my head and relax. Been crazy with the holidays. Seeing my family always takes a toll on me. So does the Christmas season and I didn't feel like I had much time off around then. In spite of everything I am feeling a lot more positive now. All I need now is to find a roommate... then things will really be looking up. And figure out how to get over the mental block at work. But things could be worse. I could be repeating 2005... or I could be unemployed.... homeless... etc.
"No day but today" (Rent)
Sunday, January 01, 2006
The Year of Lies & Deception
I think if I had to sum up 2005 in a few words it would be lies & deception. There has been a lot of that in the past year. Take my relationship with Tristan. Looking back I wonder if there was any truth in there at all. Then there was the way it ended... on MSN... with me finding out the truth about who he really was. I suppose you could argue there are lies and then there is withholding the truth. But that is where deception comes into play.
One person calls themself a good friend and lies to my face. They try and keep me paranoid. I touched on that a few times now. See, "Survivor in the Real World" and "Gripes from Work" I've had more then enough of the rumour mill at work. When my relationship with Adam ended Val was there as the comforting friend... there when I needed someone. So now, she uses that against me, subconsciously. I still remember when I became a performance coach. It was getting close to the end of the three months and I did not have a team. She said, "They gave you the position to take it away again." It's definitely not the first time she has made dispariging comments and tries to keep me doubting myself. Misery loves company. I don't even think she realizes that she does it but she continuously makes negative comments. Most times I don't really think about it because I am so used to it from family. It's like I expect it.
I am my own worst enemy. I don't need someone else to do it for me. Take my aces for Decemeber, as an example. My mandate was 32 I think. I ended up doing 41 by the end of the month. But I was not able to complete one because of a schedule conflict. I came in early twice to do it but was still not able to. Me being me, I feel like I let my manager down because I didn't get that one ace done. I tried my best... but from myself I expect nothing less then perfection. being second best isn't good enough, probably because I always feel like I have something to prove. I've spent my entire life proving people wrong.
I know I doubt myself and my own abilities. I will admit to that. In 2005 other people really seemed to want to help me with that, but not in a good way. It really sucks when people that you look up to lie to you and try and make you look over your shoulder. At one point another person I had called a friend kept telling me to watch my back and seemed to think my team leader was out to get me. Good thing Chris has always been honest with me. When she is disappointed in me I know about it. And yes that does happen. I'm human. I fuck up. 6 months later I am still there.
But if I was always watching my back and looking over my shoulder it would become a self fulfilling prophecy. That takes a lot of time and energy. And since it involved my team leader would have also led to conflict as well.
Why can't people just hold to the adage that "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all." Or at least stop with the lies. Of course, I need to develop a backbone and stand up to Val. She's only hurting me in the long run... the more I listen to it. 2006 is about change. It's about being true to myself and not compromising who I am.
Heather
One person calls themself a good friend and lies to my face. They try and keep me paranoid. I touched on that a few times now. See, "Survivor in the Real World" and "Gripes from Work" I've had more then enough of the rumour mill at work. When my relationship with Adam ended Val was there as the comforting friend... there when I needed someone. So now, she uses that against me, subconsciously. I still remember when I became a performance coach. It was getting close to the end of the three months and I did not have a team. She said, "They gave you the position to take it away again." It's definitely not the first time she has made dispariging comments and tries to keep me doubting myself. Misery loves company. I don't even think she realizes that she does it but she continuously makes negative comments. Most times I don't really think about it because I am so used to it from family. It's like I expect it.
I am my own worst enemy. I don't need someone else to do it for me. Take my aces for Decemeber, as an example. My mandate was 32 I think. I ended up doing 41 by the end of the month. But I was not able to complete one because of a schedule conflict. I came in early twice to do it but was still not able to. Me being me, I feel like I let my manager down because I didn't get that one ace done. I tried my best... but from myself I expect nothing less then perfection. being second best isn't good enough, probably because I always feel like I have something to prove. I've spent my entire life proving people wrong.
I know I doubt myself and my own abilities. I will admit to that. In 2005 other people really seemed to want to help me with that, but not in a good way. It really sucks when people that you look up to lie to you and try and make you look over your shoulder. At one point another person I had called a friend kept telling me to watch my back and seemed to think my team leader was out to get me. Good thing Chris has always been honest with me. When she is disappointed in me I know about it. And yes that does happen. I'm human. I fuck up. 6 months later I am still there.
But if I was always watching my back and looking over my shoulder it would become a self fulfilling prophecy. That takes a lot of time and energy. And since it involved my team leader would have also led to conflict as well.
Why can't people just hold to the adage that "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all." Or at least stop with the lies. Of course, I need to develop a backbone and stand up to Val. She's only hurting me in the long run... the more I listen to it. 2006 is about change. It's about being true to myself and not compromising who I am.
Heather
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