Extended Absence

So it has been an extremely long time since I posted here... It really is hard to keep up with 2 different blogs. And that doesn't even include email, Facebook usage, and everything else that I am doing. Usually I find that I retreat to this blog during the tough times as a way to vent all those things that are really personal to me. But part of my LOA (leave of absence) has been because things have actually been looking up in my world. So I guess the absence is acceptable then. :) I won with the labour board, started a new job, and have had contact with my biological mother. What a year... I still have so much to say but this is still the inner voice.... And as of late I haven't felt like I need to hide behind anything. Well okay that is right up until the holidays any ways. So if I have time later maybe I will blog about that. But at the moment I am at work and might want to focus on that.

All About Self Preservation

I feel like I am the negative shadow, personality wise. Quite often when under times of stress your alter ego emerges. As of late I feel like I am fighting with everyone and everything. It has taken all my strength to get to this point and now I just feel overwhelmed.

There are so many negative forces in my life and I feel like I am swimming against the tide and as a result am drowning. Too many voices in my head, all quick to share their opinion of what I should do. But they all have their own agenda. Why can't it be about what I want and what is best for me? When did human nature become so selfish?

As part of that negative shadow I see old ways emerge. I know that I shouldn't drink... at least not to escape. All it does is bring more pain. That has been the end result and you never really escape any ways. So far I have not gone back to the self-injury although I am tempted by it.... Tempted by the release it offers and the chance to go back to being numb.

So my withdrawal into myself is about self-preservation. I don't want more "noise" or "advice" from people. I just want to survive and find a way through this. At the moment that means isolation, just me and my thoughts.

Very Adult Content

Mingle² - San Diego Singles

This rating was determined based on the presence of the following words:

• pain (55x)
• rape (10x)
• sex (6x)
• hurt (3x)
• hell (2x)
• gun (1x)

Whack a Mole

I know that I haven't posted in a while but it's hard to keep up with 2 different blogs. As of late it just seems like it is one thing after another. I almost feel like I am under attack and have been withdrawing as of late. I prefer isolation any ways so it's not that big a deal. Relatively speaking I am fine.... I just want to be like a turtle and stick my head in my shell until the storm is over.

One of the big things right now is family. There is the adoption issues that have resurfaced again. My biological mother called me out of the blue to tell me that she would be in the area and wanted to know if I was available to meet. The timing was off and there was some missed communication. So now I am disappointed that I didn't get the chance to meet her. I am also relieved because I am not in the best frame of mind at the moment.

Conversations with my parents have also been less than smooth. I'm 28 years old. I think I can make my own decisions by now. And yes I do know that I need to find a job and I will. Do you not think that I have enough stress without being reminded of that? I hate to say it but the one thing that keeps going through my mind about the call I had with my dad is that it cost me about $9. The joys of long distance on a cell phone... and right now I don't really have that kind of money. It doesn't sound like a lot... but right now I need to come up with $30 to pay rent, $35 for my chiropractor appointment, $25 for Dell, and it would be kind of nice to be able to buy some groceries.... So spending $9 on a conversation where I was left feeling empty and worthless just makes it worse.

I've come to the conclusion that life is like a game of whack a mole. Just when you hit one mole and make him disappear another one pops up. It just never stops. Now where's that mallet when you need one.

The Darkness

Today is the first time in a very long time I feel virtually consumed by the darkness.... It just seems so black and hopeless.  I don't get angry very often.  But when I do it's very ugly.  I don't deal well with anger because it's such a strong and powerful emotion.  And all I want to do is restore some semblance of balance.  It's no wonder I am extremely tempted to go back to the self-injury.  I know it would bring me back to homeostasis or at least close to it.  It is taking a great deal of self-control for me not to... Well that and knowing that tomorrow I will be in a bathing suit and would rather not be asked about new scars.  *lol*

I've also gone back to old ways of complete isolation.... I've cut myself off and refuse to ask for help.  For as much as I tell other people not to be an island I haven't exactly learned that lesson myself.  I'm getting better but this is one time when I just want to be alone.

Azrael has been a great companion all evening.  He has been quite needy... probably feeding off the energy and the fact I've actually been watching TV and not playing online.  So I have been all for giving him attention.  It has calmed me down.... maybe not completely but still even a little calmer is an improvement.

Can I just stick my head in the sand... or become like a turtle until this is over?  I know that's not how life works.  I have to gut it out and get past this.  Tommorow I am getting together with friends.  It's either going to be really good for me... or really bad... not entirely sure which.  Time will tell.

Random Musings

Call it therapy… Call it venting… Call it whatever. Solace… Withdrawal… These are all words that describe my world at the moment, or at least what I would like. There is something to be said for isolation. I always thought that it was about the number of friends you have and being popular. I have since learned that it is better to have a few friends that you can depend on. And sometimes you just need complete and utter isolation. Time alone to think… to reflect… to heal. My biggest challenge to that comes in the form of technology. For as far as we have advanced it takes away from the peace and tranquility. Now we are just caught up in the television and the internet and all these things that take up our time and allow distraction. It brings with it a whole new form of escapism. No longer do you need drugs or alcohol. Just connect to the internet and spend hours chatting with people, playing games, or various other tasks. They say that it is the global community… but to me it simply brings more isolation.

Believe me I do a fantastic job as it is for escaping. I can avoid things like no other. And I can change the topic without people noticing. It’s a practiced skill. The question is, why do I choose to escape? Why do I avoid cleaning out the closet and getting rid of the skeletons that are contained there? It is much healthier to deal with it and move on.

For everyone there is a different reason. For me I think it stems from fear. I’m not afraid of the skeletons per se. I am afraid of feeling the emotions that go along with it. From the time I was young I was taught that crying equaled weakness so I vowed not to cry… and more importantly not to let anyone see me cry. It was as if they would then think I am a weak individual.

For years I was numb… I felt nothing at all. Now when faced with any type of strong emotion I want to suppress it and go back to being numb. Being numb is where I am comfortable. It’s easy to stay there and not move forward. It’s much more challenging to step out of that comfort zone, face those “issues” and then move forward.

It was this desire not to feel anything that led to me turning to self-injury. Somewhere I learned along the way that it is easier to deal with physical pain then with emotions. By cutting myself it gave me something else to focus on. There was the rush of endorphins and, of course, the fact self-preservation is paramount. Cutting is also about taking care of yourself. I didn’t have anyone taking care of me and as absurd as it sounds it was soothing. So part of the fear is that I will be so overwhelmed that I will go back to the self-injury in an attempt to cope with everything that has happened. It’s not entirely unrealistic since I am still tempted at times.

And dealing with the family also raises other questions. From the time I was little I was taught that you respect your parents. But what if they don’t deserve your respect? I feel obligated to respect them even though they don’t deserve it.

Forgiveness is also key in the Christian faith. And this is one I really struggle with. Do I need to forgive them? They hurt me and abuse has a lasting effect so I don’t want to forgive them. By not forgiving them I feel like I am this horrible person. I feel this even though it was not my fault and the way I was treated was not right. My parents won’t even acknowledge that they might have done anything wrong which makes it even harder.

The Bible also talks about being slow to anger. I know that to face the past and those skeletons is going to involve a wide range of emotions… including anger. Again, I feel like I am this really bad person for being angry with my parents. I don’t like anger… and it is undoubtedly the emotion that I find the most unsettling. Whenever I get angry I immediately want to feel peace. It is by far the single strongest emotion to lead back to self-injury.

So maybe being a Christian is a detriment to the whole healing process. We create this image of our parents as a deity and it is very difficult to change that. And if I face the truth and the pain it means dealing with the emotions to go with it. And it means facing the fact my parents are not god-like and I did not deserve what they did. I was a kid… an innocent kid… and they took that from me. It also means separating myself from Christianity at least until after I work through some of the grief, anger, and pain. Not to say I am giving up my faith... just working through those emotions.

They say the first step is admitting. So I am admitting that I never should have been treated this way. And I am admitting that I struggle with the emotional response to it. And I admit that I struggle with the "Christian" response to it all. After that comes the process of healing and dealing with it. Let’s see if I have the courage to face that process and allow myself to grieve so that one day I might be free.

Quiet Reflection

Right now I feel like there is so much turmoil. I am restless and uneasy... something I haven't felt in a very long time. Usually this relates to family. This time it is no different. Tonight I was reminded again of what does not exist in my family. There is no support... there is no bonding... there is nothing more then rejection and pain. I want to be alone with that pain and grief. Unfortunately for me everyone here is still up... and I am pretty sure me having a breakdown would not be such a good thing. It's all pretty raw. I am not sure how much longer I can contain it. What I wouldn't give right now to go back to being numb and feeling nothing at all. I know how I can bring about that sense of balance but would be forced to go back to something I don't want to do. I've felt like a caged animal for a while now and want to feel something that resembles peace... or at least not be at war with myself. I guess the big question is how to bring that about without trading in my soul in the process.

Pain & Agony

The more time I spend talking to my mother the more manipulative I realize that she is. It brings back all kinds of memories of my youth and they are not fond memories. There is no support there, just pain. And each time the wounds are reopened. I have also discovered that I have spent the last 10 years on the run... running from my family... running from everything. I didn't want to deal with it. I just wanted to feel nothing. I figured that by walking away I wouldn't have to deal with it and could just escape. But the quote at the top of the page still holds true. "Man... cannot learn to forget, but hangs on the past: however far or fast he runs, that chain runs with him." Friedrich Nietzsche No matter how far and how fast I went I didn't escape and now am face to face with everything that I ran from.

It has left me with sadness and feeling vulnerable. All I really want is reassurance. I want to know that things are going to be okay. But when you're 28 years old you can't quite get away with having a security blanket. I am scared of human contact and the sense of touch because I didn't have that growing up. Scared that another person would see me as being weak and expose all the deficiencies that exist. Scared of being vulnerable. And those fears are holding me back. I am not free... I am nothing more then a prisoner in my gilded cage.

And now I almost feel like I should get away from technology and sit outside in the peace and quiet. Just me, my thoughts, and my tears. The long road from pain and agony to healing...

Everything Happens for a Reason

Recent events have definitely made me realize that everything happens for a reason. Call it fate... call it God's will... call it whatever you want. On one hand I was thinking that Facebook was a bad thing since it cost me my job. But on the other it allowed me to reconnect with people I have not seen in years, people that I always wondered, "Whatever happened to ______?"

Losing my job set me free. At first sure there was shock, anger and disbelief. After all I didn't expect this to happen and certainly didn't do anything out of malice. But it was a blessing in disguise. I have a lot less stress now. And I was never going to get anywhere there. Now I am free... free to do what I want.

They really don't teach you about life in school... I went to public school and then high school. It was assumed that I was going to go to university so I did. I got my degree in Psychology but couldn't find a job. So I settled for life in a call center and stayed because I had a steady pay cheque. Now I can do anything... I can pursue my writing... and pursue jobs that I have an interest in.

My lease is also up so while I have to give 60 days notice I can choose to move elsewhere if so desired. Anyone that knows me knows that I am not fond of Peterborough. And there are more opportunities for me to do coaching/counselling elsewhere. So it just might be my chance to leave here for good.

And getting back to Facebook it has brought people back into my life that I haven't seen since I left Cobourg almost a decade ago. Now when I left Cobourg I never looked back. Having people come back into my life also made me realize there were parts of the past that I had never dealt with... that I had just ignored and swept under the rug. I thought if I ran from it then it didn't matter. All you need is someone to push you, a spark to ignite things. Suddenly I was face to face with everything. No more running this time. I am nowhere near the point where healing is complete but it's a step in the right direction.

Support often comes from unlikely sources... One person from work has really kept me going through the tough times. She has done a fantastic job of keeping me positive and focused. But when I was fired I thought I'd never hear from her again. I had only known Michelle for a short period of time and had no contact information before I was fired. But she tracked me down and has been a huge source of inspiration.

The other source of inspiration has come from my past. Shana recently found me on Facebook and we got to talking. It was like no time at all had passed even though it had been a decade. She has challenged me even when I was quite happy to stay in my little bubble. I appreciate friends like that.

Only time will tell what the future will bring but I do know that whatever happens it happens for a reason.

Emotional Rollercoaster

The last few weeks have certainly been an emotional roller coaster. When I was first fired there was first a sense of shock, followed by disbelief. Then there was a sense of relief. I felt like I was free. That thought was short lived though as I was now unemployed. Some days things are looking up and other days all I can see is the bottom of the barrel. It's tough... it really is. It's kind of like being bi-polar with all the highs and lows.

I feel like I did as a kid. I am back to doubting myself and wondering if maybe my mom wasn't right when she said I wouldn't be good enough and that I was nothing. It's a tough place to be.

Make It Stop

All I want right now is for the pain to stop. Is that too much to ask? I am beginning to think that my life is the stuff tragedies are written about. Nothing ever seems to go well for an extended period of time. When something happens it's like there is a domino effect. Several other things have to fall apart. The song "Pain" by Three days Grace says:

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain

I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later

Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain


I'm not so sure I agree with it. Right now I think I would rather be numb and feel nothing then to feel all the pain. I just want it to stop.

Seeking Answers

In the Matrix they say, "It's the question that drives you." In the movie the question is, "What is the Matrix?" In my case it is more the question, "Why?" Sometimes there is no answer... Maybe it is all fate. Maybe it is just life. As humans we seek to understand to find meaning. And sometimes it's not that easy. I wonder if there really are lessons in everything or if sometimes things just happen and leave you with nothing more then, "Why?" I'd like to think that events in life have shaped my identity and made me a stronger person but some days I wonder.

Disturbed - Just Stop

Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life
Just drop the judgment and all of your pseudo-involvement in my life
Step back a moment, and look at the miracle starting in our life
Don't stop the moment, and let the incredible happen knowing that

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
To be the best in the world

Just stop with all of your little deliberate problems with my life
Enough of all the crippling, terrible pain we feel inside
Step back a moment, remember how the miracle started in our life
Take back the torment; I won't be enjoying this moment knowing that

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
I know that
All that we want is to feel inside
Some kind of comfort
And all that we've done
We can hide
We'll be the best in the world

All I ever wanted was to be a real source of compassion
From the moment that we found ourselves drowning in
All I ever wanted was to be a real source of compassion
From the moment that we found ourselves drowning in

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
I know that
All that we want is to feel inside
Some kind of comfort
And all that we've done
We can hide
We'll be the best in the world
We'll be the best in the world
Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life
Just drop the judgment and all of your pseudo-involvement in my life

No News is Good News

I don't really have a whole lot to say. I can't top the last post I had. Every time I look at it I feel it is just so prolific and really sums everything up. Healing is a process. It is not an event. When I think about my family life it brings with it a range of emotions. There is a great deal of sadness. So far I can't bring myself to feel anger. For as justified as the anger might be I just can't do it. Anger, for me, is an overwhelming emotion. It's not one I want to experience. I tend to direct anger inwards and self-destruct. So I really don't want to face that anger... not yet any ways.

Sadness & Pain

As I look at my last post it makes me quite sad... I'm sure I could've written a lot more if I really put my mind to it... and I might modify it later as more things come to mind. But to me it really speaks to the lifelong effects. We shape our views: both of the world and of self from our families and it's pretty clear the effects have been pretty devastating.

I wear a mask, something I talked about in another post, found here. That mask is about protecting myself. I don't want other people to see me as weak. Maybe part of me does want to protect the family as well. After all they are still my family. I feel like people would see through me. I am very guarded because I don't want to take the chance someone will expose me as a fraud. They'll realize that I don't know what I am doing and that I've been faking it... I know that it's a cognitive distortion and is a result of the lies I've been told and the neglect... but it's still my reality. I know that people wouldn't think less of me but I still try and mask the social deficits. Social interaction was lacking at home... right along with life skills. It's basically all self-taught and I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. As if people mock me behind my back.

I am my own worst critic... expecting perfection and not accepting anything less. I keep thinking that if I could just be perfect then I just might win my parents approval. It's a pipe dream and will never happen. But I keep trying.... hoping. All I want is for them to say "Job well done" The sad reality is that I just set myself up to fail. Not because I'm not worthy... or a fuck-up... but because all I have is false hope. I am never going to hear those words... So I keep pushing myself... and then each time it's a disappointment. And each time I then try harder so the disappointment is even more pronounced.

All of my relationships have been touched by this legacy. I have difficulty trusting anyone because my home life was chaotic and disorganized. My mom would put me down to build up her own self esteem. There was nothing healthy about it. Just arguments and a real lack of human contact. Good touch.... bad touch... How about no touch at all? This is evident in any interpersonal relationship. I shy away from human contact and try not to get to close to anyone. I prefer isolation and my cat. After all, Azrael doesn't think I am a fraud. He doesn't care that I don't know what I am doing. I don't have to be perfect. His love is unconditional... as long as I keep feeding him any ways. *lol*

But there are some other devastating effects and the damage can't be undone. I was never taught anything about good relationships/bad relationships. I was naive and trusting. I lost that innocence pretty quickly. When I was 13 I was dating an older guy. I wanted love and acceptance... all those things that were lacking at home. Instead my innocence was shattered and replaced by victimization. I'm still not sure whether to call it seduction or rape. Well no matter what it was still statutory rape. Between that and the fact my second sexual encounter was also a rape it has really shaped future relationships. For most people sex is about intimacy and being close to someone, vulnerable. For me there will always be an association with violence. I was watching an episode of Law and Order: SVU and they said that if you've been a victim of sexual assault you are 7x more likely to be victimized again. I can see it. In the last 15 years (or almost 15 years) I have been sexually assaulted 5x. Three of those had a direct correlation to alcohol consumption. And how many times did I press charges? Once. Ultimately the charges were dropped but I did stand up for myself... However, the memories will last forever. The flashbacks and the nightmares.

Back when I was 18 I believed in waiting until marriage... And then after being raped for the second time that didn't seem to matter as much. Sex was meaningless. For a long time it was about random encounters... one night stands... Dissociation while having sex. Nothing mattered. It wasn't until I was with Adam that I really regretted some of those decisions. For once I realized that my decisions affected more then just me. But I can't take it back. Sex + Love Still = Violence.

The pattern of pain just continues when you look at the ways I chose to cope. I never learned any healthy ways to cope. I learned to escape in the bottom of a bottle. I was anorexic by the age of 10. And somehow I learned not to feel anything at all. On top of that I learned that self-injury was an effective way to reduce feelings of anxiety, anger, or any other intense emotion. It was highly effective and hard to stop. I still battle with it.

As you can see it's a wake of devastation and no part of my life has been left untouched. So what can you read from this? I am pretty fucked up. I lack social skills which I cover up. I never learned to have good, healthy relationships. I have difficulty trusting people, or at least am guarded. I am continually working to gain my parents approval which I'll never have. My relationships are marred by these trust issues which is why they never last. Then there is the violence. Sexual assault and physical abuse... I've seen it all. Last but not least I learned all kinds of negative ways to cope and no good ways to cope. This is the legacy of abuse and the pain it leaves behind.

What I Remember...

I am going to start this post with a warning. For one it could be graphic and disturbing. Secondly, I am not sure how much profanity will be involved... So be warned, especially for those people that know me in the "real world." This post is about what I remember from growing up...


Family

• "You're never going to be good enough"
• "Bitch, slut, whore," etc.
• Cold, unemotional and unavailable father
• Accused repeatedly of lying when I said I had never tried smoking... So I started smoking.
• Self taught... I taught myself how to do everything because no one else was going to. (Neglect comes in many forms)
• Over protective parents who tried to control me... instead of teaching me about life and what situations to avoid (see Relationships below)
• Ambivalent attachments
• Hate
  

Personality Traits/Psychological Disorders

• Overachiever
• Ghost in high school... just wanting to blend in and not stand out
• Fear of being discovered as a fraud... that maybe my parents were right
• Fear of abandonment/rejection
• Serious trust issues...
  
• Generally just fucked up
  

Relationships

• They say you date someone like your father... in my case that was probably not a good thing
• To most people a 5 year age difference in a relationship (when you're young) would send up red flags... Not to my parents. The end result: Raped at the age of 13
• Raped again at 18 after being too intoxicated to give consent
• Random sexual partners trying to fill the void... seeking acceptance
• The forever association between sex and violence
• Raped again by a co-worker (does it ever stop???)
• Relationships filled with abuse... what the fuck is a healthy relationship?
• Don't touch me
  

Coping Mechanisms (Maladaptive Coping)

• Anorexic at the age of 10 (that's right I said 10)
• Self-injuring by the age of 13... started one day in class with a compass. Been cutting myself off and on ever since. The longest I have stopped for was 3 years. Currently at the 6 month mark
• Punching walls until drawing blood; heading to the ER for x-rays
  
• Problem drinker by the time I went to university
• Staying up late at night to avoid the fights (Phase delayed sleep disorder)
  

Therapy (the Good Kind)

• Azrael (or any other pet that I've had)
  
• Retail therapy (better then some of the self destructive methods any ways)
  
• Sitting outside at night because it was the only time/place I felt safe... Alone... free to feel
  

Grief & Mourning

All too often grief is associated with death. It's like you are not allowed to grieve for any other reason. As taken from Wikipedia, "Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has a physical, cognitive, behavioural, social and philosophical dimensions. Common to human experience is the death of a loved one, be they friend, family, or other. While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement often refers to the state of loss, and grief to the reaction to loss. Losses can range from loss of employment, pets, status, a sense of safety, order, possessions, to the loss of the people nearest to us. Our response to loss is varied and researchers have moved away from conventional views of grief (that is, that people move through an orderly and predictable series of responses to loss) to one that considers the wide variety of responses that are influenced by personality, family, culture, and spiritual and religious beliefs and practices."

Based on that grief is simply about loss... Everyone is different, a combination of genes and cultural background. No one reacts the same way to situations and not everyone grieves in the same way. When I had to put Tigger down it was a very tough thing for me. It was like he was my child. But I felt that it was stupid... He was a pet. Tigger was more then that to me. He was a part of the family. And I had every right to grieve his loss.

Whatever the loss... people have a right to grieve. As part of my healing I am allowing myself to grieve.... Grieving what I lost. I lost my innocence and my childhood. I was robbed through abuse and neglect. There is a sense of loss. Right and wrong was challenged... Lies and truth sometimes the same. And now I am mourning those losses and allowing myself to feel that pain, that hurt and the betrayals.

How We See Reality

I have come to the conclusion that 2+2 does not always equal 4, especially not to someone that has been victimized by abuse. Okay so I'm not really talking about mathematics there. I realize that 2+2 equals 4, and is a mathematical certainty. No matter what my beliefs tell me that is always going to be the case. Why is that? It seems to remind me of all the times I heard "Because I said so" as a justification. Not that I am here to debate mathematical beliefs... That was just bit of a tangent.

Most people grow up in a home life that is stable and supportive... where you get consistent messages. In home lives where there is abuse or neglect it is often unpredictable. The message you get one day might be the complete opposite of what you hear 2 days later. One day 2+2 might equal 4 and another it might equal 5. There is no consistency and you never know what to expect.

Abuse leads to a distorted view of reality. After all you think that this is normal. And it's tough when you eventually find out differently. How do you reconcile the lies? It's a splintered sense of self. There are common beliefs (like the 2+2 = 4) that people hold... Barring a low self esteem most people have the belief that they intrinsically have value. Someone that has been a victim of abuse tends to put a condition on that. "I am worth something if..." I could come up with a bunch of examples of that but it's late and I am really tired.

This post was sounding a lot better in my head then it is written out... probably because it's almost 3:00 in the morning. Interestingly enough, as I am writing this the song "Love Heals" just came up in my iTunes library. That is an appropriate song for the moment. In a perfect world we would all have been given the same message (or at least similar messages) and 2+2 would always equal 4 in our belief system. We would all recognize that we have value just for being alive and being who we are. But instead we have these splintered realities and fucked up lives. Welcome to reality baby.

Love & Pain

Winter is a time when most people feel slightly depressed. There is decreased sunlight and longer periods of darkness. It's also a time for post-holiday blues. I always have a hard time around this time of year. Christmas is supposed to be a time with family... For many that is not such a happy time. You can include me on that list. It is a reminder of the past. The only thing that runs through my head is "You're not good enough." And try as I might I can't get past that. I know better... I *know* it's a lie. But when you have been told something often enough you tend to believe it. It's a tough thing to get past. The Christmas season is a reminder of all these things. Love and pain are a tough combination... If I could hate or feel anger it would be so much easier. But this is my family and I still love them. But there is a great deal of pain mixed in there. Pain of betrayal... of the lies... Love & Pain