Make It Stop

All I want right now is for the pain to stop. Is that too much to ask? I am beginning to think that my life is the stuff tragedies are written about. Nothing ever seems to go well for an extended period of time. When something happens it's like there is a domino effect. Several other things have to fall apart. The song "Pain" by Three days Grace says:

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain

I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later

Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain


I'm not so sure I agree with it. Right now I think I would rather be numb and feel nothing then to feel all the pain. I just want it to stop.

Disturbed - Just Stop

Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life
Just drop the judgment and all of your pseudo-involvement in my life
Step back a moment, and look at the miracle starting in our life
Don't stop the moment, and let the incredible happen knowing that

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
To be the best in the world

Just stop with all of your little deliberate problems with my life
Enough of all the crippling, terrible pain we feel inside
Step back a moment, remember how the miracle started in our life
Take back the torment; I won't be enjoying this moment knowing that

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
I know that
All that we want is to feel inside
Some kind of comfort
And all that we've done
We can hide
We'll be the best in the world

All I ever wanted was to be a real source of compassion
From the moment that we found ourselves drowning in
All I ever wanted was to be a real source of compassion
From the moment that we found ourselves drowning in

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
I know that
All that we want is to feel inside
Some kind of comfort
And all that we've done
We can hide
We'll be the best in the world
We'll be the best in the world
Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life
Just drop the judgment and all of your pseudo-involvement in my life

Christina Aguilera - Beautiful

Beautiful

Everyday is so wonderful
Then suddenly
It's hard to breathe
Now and then I get insecure
From all the pain
I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful
No matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful
In every single way
Yes words can't bring me down
Ohh no
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends you're delirious
You're so consumed
In all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone
Left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

You are beautiful
No matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
Ohh no
You are beautiful
In every single way
Yes words can't bring you down
Ohh no
So don't you bring me down today

No matter what we do
No matter what we say
The sun will shine your way
'Cause you are beautiful today

Everywhere we go
The sun won't always shine
But tomorrow's another day
So keep on looking to the sky

We are beautiful
No matter what they say
Words can't bring us down
Ohh no
We are beautiful
In every single way
Yes words can't bring us down
Ohh no
So don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down
Today

Three Days Grace

"Animal I Have Become"

I can't escape this hell
So many times i've tried
But i'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal, this animal)

I can't escape myself
(I can't escape myself)
So many times i've lied
(So many times i've lied)
But there's still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape this hell

(This animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal)

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal I have become)

Fucked Up

I think that is a good description for how I feel these days. I'm really not sleeping at the moment so I feel pretty exhausted. I can't seem to just let go and relax. I'm starting to think I might need to head off to the bar one night just to unwind. I never thought I'd hear myself say that. But I gotta find something that takes my mind off things.

First there was my health. There was the concern that my bone marrow was not producing blood cells. That's definitely scary... and I had to prepare myself for just about anything. My platelet count is back up and the doctor does not feel my white blood cell count is low enough to be concerned with. I still have no idea why I am fatigued all the time... but at least it's not my blood cell count.

Work is also taking a lot out of me at the moment. It's the first week of a new month. Pat was off 2 days for training. we were all off for one day with the US holiday. So that means a lot more work the other days. On top of that Dave is on vacation so we had to make up his aces as well. Then the other Dave hurt his back again so I feel like I should help their team as well... even though I already feel stretched to the limit. I didn't even have time to do the trends analysis today. Plus I didn't really take a lunch and completely skipped my last break. But breaks have pretty well been non-existent since I quit smoking. I'm almost tempted to go back to it just so I can actually have a break. But that's not a good enough reason.

Probably the bigest reason for me feeling fucked up is the fight I had with mom. Suzanne was telling me to just not argue and let her win. It's not in me to do. And if someone can make me cry in 10 minutes that's not a good thing. But that fight also made me face the past head on... something I had been trying to avoid. There's a great deal of emotions at the moment. Overall, I just feel this overwhelming sense of loss and pain. I don't know how I am supposed to be feeling. 20 years of repressed emotion is a lot to try and deal with. I'm definitely feeling pulled in different directions. There is still the family loyalty.... but also the betrayal. The pain that this led to bad choices and even more pain... since it's not just the family dynamic that was affected but also my coping mechanisms and the situations I put myself into. The skeletons I try to avoid and have the closet door locked... Just the thought of some of those decisions and the things I did to be numb quickly bring me to tears right now. I keep being reminded of the line in the song "Scars" by Papa Roach: "My scars remind me that the past is real." I could really do without some of those scars though.

I should be ecstatic about the blood tests but I just feel empty... hurt... wounded. Maybe it's because I was avoiding it for so long and you really can't avoid it forever. I would give anything to be numb again... not to feel anything at all. Maybe that is why I gave myself permission to use the self-injury if necessary. I am trying not to... but I also know what a toll this is taking on me. I'm not used to feeling anything and these feelings are overwhelming. I don't know what to do and how to get past it. I want to completely withdraw and not talk to anyone. I don't want them to see how much I hurt and see the pain in my eyes. I'm supposed to be strong... able to get past anything.... show no emotion.... and now it's a war. An internal battle and I can't find a way to stop the emotion. I may have a degree in psychology that doesn't mean I know how to deal with abuse and get past it.

Nobody's Home - Avril Lavigne

I couldnt tell you
Why she felt that way
She felt it everyday
And I couldnt help her
I just watched her make
The same mistakes again

Whats wrong, whats wrong, now
Too many, too many problems
Dont know where she belongs
Where she belongs

[Chorus]
She wants to go home
But nobody's home
Its where she lies
Broken inside

With no place to go
No place to go
To dry her eyes
Broken inside

Open your eyes
And look outside
Find the reasons why
You've been rejected
And now you cant find
What you've left behind

Be strong, be strong now
Too many, too many problems
Dont know where she belongs
Where she belongs

[Chorus]

Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she cant find
She's losing her mind
She's fallen behind
She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's fallen from grace
She's all over the place

[Chorus}

She's lost inside
Lost inside

I Stand Alone, Part 2

The reason I included that song is because that is how I have felt most of my life. I have always felt like I stood alone. I had to be the strong one. I had to deal with everything alone. Apparently, when I was younger I once said "I have to get my toughness back." To a certain degree it has always been me against the world. I've spent my entire life trying to prove my parents wrong... trying to prove I wasn't nothing. The hardest person to convince is myself. I still see myself as a failure... as someone who will never amount to anything. That might be why I am having a tough time with the LOA. I have a tough time admitting that I can't do everything by myself... that every once in a while I do need help.

That doesn't mean I think I suffer from clinical depression. I'm actually more likely to have unresolved anger issues. I trusted my parents and they lied to me. I had to be strong to protect myself. And like most abused kids I learned to protect the family secret. Trust no one.

My time off has brought with it a wide range of emotions. There has definiltely been anger at having my hand forced and being told I need to see a psychiatrist. There has also been frustration over the way treatment has gone so far. When I went into psychology it was with the belief that pills are not always the answer. After I went to the walk-in clinic there was also discouragement with the realization that fibromyalgia would never be treated in Peterborough. After my visit with the initial doctor there was also resentment. He minimized what I was going through and said that "Fibromyalgia is typically a symptom of a psychiatric disorder." There was further anger when they put my health in jeopardy with the treatment. Undoubtledtly, there have also been symptoms of depression since I am not being treated for the Fibromyalgia and it feels like I am being blocked at every turn. Nothing has gone right so far and it's hard to remain hopeful.

I'm not saying that counselling would not be a good thing. In 27 years there have been a lot of rough times... and a lot of things undealt with. I guess it's about time I started dealing with them. I've done well at avoidance but that only takes you so far. You can only run for so long before it catches up with you. Looks like it finally caught up with me. So this isn't entirely a bad thing. It's forcing me to deal with the ghosts of the past.

I Stand Alone

Godsmack
"I Stand Alone"

Now I've told you this once before
You can't control me
If you try to take me down you're gonna pay
Now I feel your every nothing that you're doing for me
I'm picking you outa me
you run away
I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone
You're always hiding behind your so called goddess
So what you don't think that we can see your face
Resurrected back before the final fallen
I'll never rest until I can make my own way
I'm not afraid of fading
I stand alone
Feeling your sting down inside of me
I'm not dying for it
I stand alone
Everything that I believe is fading
I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone
And now its my time (now its my time)
It's my time to dream (my time to dream)
Dream of the sky (dream of the sky)
Make me believe that this place isn't plagued
By the poison in me
Help me decide if my fire will burn out
Before you can breathe
Breathe into me
I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone
Feeling your sting down inside of me
I'm not dying for it
I stand alone
Everything that I believe is fading
I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone
Inside

Leave Me Be

So now that I am back to the Disturbed song that I posted a little while ago... from "Just Stop"

Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life
Just stop the judgment and all of your pseudo-involvement in my life

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
To be the best in the world

This time it's not directed at my family though... this time it goes out to Val. I'm done. I've had enough. Stop judging me and let me choose the ways I need to cope. Just because you don't agree with it... it's still my decision. You do what you have to in order to cope with what life throws at you. I'm not about to be one of those people wearing the bracelets in support of cutting. But it is just another way to cope... it just doesn't happen to be socially acceptable. All I ask is that you try and look through my eyes for a change and try to understand why I did it. I stopped myself. I got rid of the knife. Instead of being proud of that decision and acknowledging that I'm okay Val expressed her concern to someone else. I don't need a fucking intervention. I'm not going to kill myself. Since I gave up the knife I'm not a risk at all... I am not going out and buying another one.

I am much more likely to die from alcohol poisoning but that is acceptable. I'm sure Val would encourage me to get out... get drunk... and stop thinking about everything that is going on. How is that any better? It is just another way to become numb. One that often leads to worse choices.

I don't eat for 2 days and people don't think I need an intervention. That's just as unhealthy. But anorexia is also more socially acceptable.

I have never had to make a trip to the hospital after cutting... never even remotely been close to serious injury... well okay I guess there was that one time back in my younger days. It's all controlled. In fact cutting is typically about control... regaining it... finding a balance.

I am not going back to the cutting. But leave me alone and let me cope the way I need to, not the way you want me to. Even if that does mean that one day I do back to it. Val is one of the reasons there is so much shame and stigma associated with it. If you can't accept me for who I am (the good and the bad) then you are not my friend. I try not to judge people for the way they cope because I understand that you do what you have to in order to survive. So, stop with the judgements and the condescending attitude. It's not helping me. If you want to be a friend then actually open your ears and listen.. be there and support me. And be proud that I made it through another day without self-injury.

Heather

And all that I want is forgiveness one more time

Quotes

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Papa Roach – “Scars”

"Just Stop"

Some days I really like the band "Disturbed". Oh wait, that would be almost every day. Their new album rocks. Every time I hear the song "Just Stop" I am reminded of my family.

"Just Stop"

Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life
Just stop the judgment and all of your pseudo-involvement in my life
Step back a moment, and look at the miracle starting in our life
Don't stop the moment, and let the incredible happen knowing that

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
To be the best in the world

Just stop with all of your little deliberate problems with my life
Enough of all the crippling, terrible pain we feel inside
Step back a moment, remember how the miracle started in our life
Take back the torment; I won't be enjoying this moment knowing that

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
I know that
All that we want is to feel inside
Some kind of comfort
And all that we've done
We can hide
We'll be the best in the world

All I ever wanted was to be a real source of compassion
From the moment that we found ourselves drowning
All I ever wanted was to be a real source of compassion
From the moment that we found ourselves drowning

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
I know that
All that we want is to feel inside
Some kind of comfort
And all that we've done
We can hide
We'll be the best in the world
We'll be the best in the world
Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life
Just stop the judgment and all of your pseudo-involvement in my life

I grew up under the shadow that what I did was never going to be good enough... I still second guess myself, especially at work. Every conversation I have with my mom ends badly. I barely speak to her because I don't want the criticisms. If I want someone to insult me I do a good enough job on my own... I don't need someone else to do it for me. I guess I am reminded more of this song because I am going to be having dinner with my mom on Wednesday. Well that and the fact it's currently playing on the stero *lol* I'm still conflicted between cutting all contact and still trying to attain their approval... yet knowing it's hopeless. It's never going to change. No matter what I do it's never going to be good enough, for them any ways. It's sad when most of my life has been spent trying to prove them wrong. Even sadder that all I want to hear one day is "Job well done." There is nothing wrong with validation but it's hard when for so long you've believed the lie that it shapes who you are and you can't see the truth any more. You work so hard to prove yourself as worthy that nothing less then perfection is acceptable.

Heather

And all that I want is forgiveness one more time

Song That Has Meaning

Whenever I find myself thinking about my family and the pain caused by years of emotional abuse and neglect I somehow end up listening to the song "Daughter" by Pearl Jam. It only perpetuates the negativity but any ways...

Pearl Jam
"Daughter"

you guys ready...
alone...listless...breakfast table in an otherwise empty room
young girl...violence...center of her own attention
mother reads aloud, child tries to understand it
tries to make her proud
the shades go down, it's in her head
painted room...can't deny there's something wrong...
don't call me daughter, not fit to
the picture kept will remind me
don't call me daughter, not fit to
the picture kept will remind me
don't call me...
she holds the hand that holds her down
she will...rise above...
don't call me daughter, not fit to
the picture kept will remind me
don't call me daughter, not fit to be
the picture kept will remind me
don't call me...
don't call me daughter, not fit to
the picture kept will remind me
don't call me daughter, not fit to be
the picture kept will remind me
don't call me...
the shades go down
the shades go down
the shades go, go, go...