I Stand Alone, Part 2

The reason I included that song is because that is how I have felt most of my life. I have always felt like I stood alone. I had to be the strong one. I had to deal with everything alone. Apparently, when I was younger I once said "I have to get my toughness back." To a certain degree it has always been me against the world. I've spent my entire life trying to prove my parents wrong... trying to prove I wasn't nothing. The hardest person to convince is myself. I still see myself as a failure... as someone who will never amount to anything. That might be why I am having a tough time with the LOA. I have a tough time admitting that I can't do everything by myself... that every once in a while I do need help.

That doesn't mean I think I suffer from clinical depression. I'm actually more likely to have unresolved anger issues. I trusted my parents and they lied to me. I had to be strong to protect myself. And like most abused kids I learned to protect the family secret. Trust no one.

My time off has brought with it a wide range of emotions. There has definiltely been anger at having my hand forced and being told I need to see a psychiatrist. There has also been frustration over the way treatment has gone so far. When I went into psychology it was with the belief that pills are not always the answer. After I went to the walk-in clinic there was also discouragement with the realization that fibromyalgia would never be treated in Peterborough. After my visit with the initial doctor there was also resentment. He minimized what I was going through and said that "Fibromyalgia is typically a symptom of a psychiatric disorder." There was further anger when they put my health in jeopardy with the treatment. Undoubtledtly, there have also been symptoms of depression since I am not being treated for the Fibromyalgia and it feels like I am being blocked at every turn. Nothing has gone right so far and it's hard to remain hopeful.

I'm not saying that counselling would not be a good thing. In 27 years there have been a lot of rough times... and a lot of things undealt with. I guess it's about time I started dealing with them. I've done well at avoidance but that only takes you so far. You can only run for so long before it catches up with you. Looks like it finally caught up with me. So this isn't entirely a bad thing. It's forcing me to deal with the ghosts of the past.