Leave Me Be

So now that I am back to the Disturbed song that I posted a little while ago... from "Just Stop"

Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life
Just stop the judgment and all of your pseudo-involvement in my life

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
To be the best in the world

This time it's not directed at my family though... this time it goes out to Val. I'm done. I've had enough. Stop judging me and let me choose the ways I need to cope. Just because you don't agree with it... it's still my decision. You do what you have to in order to cope with what life throws at you. I'm not about to be one of those people wearing the bracelets in support of cutting. But it is just another way to cope... it just doesn't happen to be socially acceptable. All I ask is that you try and look through my eyes for a change and try to understand why I did it. I stopped myself. I got rid of the knife. Instead of being proud of that decision and acknowledging that I'm okay Val expressed her concern to someone else. I don't need a fucking intervention. I'm not going to kill myself. Since I gave up the knife I'm not a risk at all... I am not going out and buying another one.

I am much more likely to die from alcohol poisoning but that is acceptable. I'm sure Val would encourage me to get out... get drunk... and stop thinking about everything that is going on. How is that any better? It is just another way to become numb. One that often leads to worse choices.

I don't eat for 2 days and people don't think I need an intervention. That's just as unhealthy. But anorexia is also more socially acceptable.

I have never had to make a trip to the hospital after cutting... never even remotely been close to serious injury... well okay I guess there was that one time back in my younger days. It's all controlled. In fact cutting is typically about control... regaining it... finding a balance.

I am not going back to the cutting. But leave me alone and let me cope the way I need to, not the way you want me to. Even if that does mean that one day I do back to it. Val is one of the reasons there is so much shame and stigma associated with it. If you can't accept me for who I am (the good and the bad) then you are not my friend. I try not to judge people for the way they cope because I understand that you do what you have to in order to survive. So, stop with the judgements and the condescending attitude. It's not helping me. If you want to be a friend then actually open your ears and listen.. be there and support me. And be proud that I made it through another day without self-injury.

Heather

And all that I want is forgiveness one more time