Fucked Up

I think that is a good description for how I feel these days. I'm really not sleeping at the moment so I feel pretty exhausted. I can't seem to just let go and relax. I'm starting to think I might need to head off to the bar one night just to unwind. I never thought I'd hear myself say that. But I gotta find something that takes my mind off things.

First there was my health. There was the concern that my bone marrow was not producing blood cells. That's definitely scary... and I had to prepare myself for just about anything. My platelet count is back up and the doctor does not feel my white blood cell count is low enough to be concerned with. I still have no idea why I am fatigued all the time... but at least it's not my blood cell count.

Work is also taking a lot out of me at the moment. It's the first week of a new month. Pat was off 2 days for training. we were all off for one day with the US holiday. So that means a lot more work the other days. On top of that Dave is on vacation so we had to make up his aces as well. Then the other Dave hurt his back again so I feel like I should help their team as well... even though I already feel stretched to the limit. I didn't even have time to do the trends analysis today. Plus I didn't really take a lunch and completely skipped my last break. But breaks have pretty well been non-existent since I quit smoking. I'm almost tempted to go back to it just so I can actually have a break. But that's not a good enough reason.

Probably the bigest reason for me feeling fucked up is the fight I had with mom. Suzanne was telling me to just not argue and let her win. It's not in me to do. And if someone can make me cry in 10 minutes that's not a good thing. But that fight also made me face the past head on... something I had been trying to avoid. There's a great deal of emotions at the moment. Overall, I just feel this overwhelming sense of loss and pain. I don't know how I am supposed to be feeling. 20 years of repressed emotion is a lot to try and deal with. I'm definitely feeling pulled in different directions. There is still the family loyalty.... but also the betrayal. The pain that this led to bad choices and even more pain... since it's not just the family dynamic that was affected but also my coping mechanisms and the situations I put myself into. The skeletons I try to avoid and have the closet door locked... Just the thought of some of those decisions and the things I did to be numb quickly bring me to tears right now. I keep being reminded of the line in the song "Scars" by Papa Roach: "My scars remind me that the past is real." I could really do without some of those scars though.

I should be ecstatic about the blood tests but I just feel empty... hurt... wounded. Maybe it's because I was avoiding it for so long and you really can't avoid it forever. I would give anything to be numb again... not to feel anything at all. Maybe that is why I gave myself permission to use the self-injury if necessary. I am trying not to... but I also know what a toll this is taking on me. I'm not used to feeling anything and these feelings are overwhelming. I don't know what to do and how to get past it. I want to completely withdraw and not talk to anyone. I don't want them to see how much I hurt and see the pain in my eyes. I'm supposed to be strong... able to get past anything.... show no emotion.... and now it's a war. An internal battle and I can't find a way to stop the emotion. I may have a degree in psychology that doesn't mean I know how to deal with abuse and get past it.