Confront Your Fears

I know it's a little too late for the Blog Carnival on Child Abuse... but the topic got me thinking. When I was in school at Huron there was a course on systematic desensitization which is used to treat phobias and anxiety disorder. As taken from Wikipedia, "To begin the process of systematic desensitization, one must first be taught relaxation skills in order to control fear and anxiety responses to specific phobias. Once the individual has been taught these skills, he or she must use them to react towards and overcome situations in an established hierarchy of fears. The goal of this process is that an indivudal will learn to cope and overcome the fear in each step of the hierarchy, which will lead to overcoming the last step of the fear in the hierarchy. Systematic desensitization is sometimes called graduated exposure therapy." In a nutshell it is based on the idea that you can't be relaxed and anxious at the same time. Now systematic desensitization is best at treating specific phobias... but there is a lot of truth to the fact you can't be relaxed and anxious at the same time. So I'm thinking I need to learn some relaxation techniques.

I was also thinking about the fears I have... most of them irrational. I have a fear of being alone. For a long time I went from relationship to relationship. My fear of being alone was linked to the idea that if I was alone then it meant no one loved me. It was an irrational fear... but then most fears are. While there are still times when I want to be in a relationship it's no longer about the fear. Now it's about companionship.

I also have a fear of failure. I feel like everything I do has to be perfect. I am human. I will make mistakes. And it is in those mistakes that we learn and grow. I feel like if I fail at one thing then it defines me and means I am a failure at everything. I'm getting better at accepting my limitations but still have a long way to go. I'm not about to purposefully fail at something just to prove that it's not the end of the world.

Being a victim of sexual assault has brought with it other fears. Fears that prevent me from going out. I'm scared it will happen again. It's not so easy to get past that fear. That seems to be a little more rational and not as easy to get past.

One of the steps in the healing process is to confront your fears or at least turn those irrational thoughts around. I have my doubts that I can do it all by myself, despite what I tell myself. I actually think I should undergo cognitive behavioural therapy... I just have trouble admitting that to other people. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is based on the notion that thoughts determine feelings and behaviour. The goal of CBT is to change the thoughts and this in turn changes feelings and behaviours. Take the lies and turn them into the truth.

Three Days Grace

"Animal I Have Become"

I can't escape this hell
So many times i've tried
But i'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal, this animal)

I can't escape myself
(I can't escape myself)
So many times i've lied
(So many times i've lied)
But there's still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape this hell

(This animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal)

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal I have become)

Personal Legacy of Abuse

The Pain Inside

I can't help but think of the lasting legacy of the abuse... and the aftermath. It actually fills me with sadness. Sadness that a parent could willingly treat their child like that. Sad that I still justify it... and tell myself that other people had it worse so I have no reason to be upset. And while it is true that others have had it worse that doesn't make it right. Should I be happy that they didn't break any bones? Emotional abuse is just as devastating... And those scars remain.

I should be really happy about the way things are going at work. And by now I should be really confident in how I'm doing. I still find myself filled with self-doubt. Yet this month, as evidenced in an earlier post on my main blog (click "here") I really showed how much work I can do. I showed that I can exceed expectations. But I still wonder if there was anything else I could've done. Wondering if there was any way to get that last evaluation done. I should just feel pride in myself. Yet, to a certain degree, there is just emptiness... as if it will never be good enough.

Those are the lies.... the ones that I bought into. The lie that says I am not good enough... that I need to prove myself. The lie that says I will never amount to anything. I have a university degree. I am respected at work. Yet I still question it.

I am a peacemaker. So I have a tough time with this... Part of me really wants to get angry. They lied to me... I am not worthless... they tore me down to build themselves up. They made my life hell... and it was all a lie. Lies.. damn lies... But then part of me still wants to be the peacemaker and not make waves. I'm almost 28... haven't lived at home in almost a decade and yet I am still protecting the notion of the perfect family. It's almost like if I keep the secret and pretend it didn't happen then it will be true.

It's also painful to think about the fallout. It's not like an isolated incident where you just get over it. The abuse has shaped my identity and in some ways it could be likened to a nuclear fallout. It's radioactive. Don't worry I am not saying that I am toxc waste... just that the effects are long lasting and far reaching.

I've used so many ways trying to numb the pain... trying to find peace and answers in the storm. Most of them I am not proud of. I was so desperate for love that I had random sexual encounters and took so many chances. That wasn't without it's price... as to date I have been raped by 5 different men... spread out over the last 15 years. It's really easy for me to blame myself for risk taking behaviours. But that doesn't make it my fault. Nothing gives someone else the right.

I don't even like the taste of alcohol and yet I drank, sometimes even to the point of alcohol poisoning. But as they say you can drink and be numb... but it's only temporary. The pain doesn't go away forever. And instead you just wind up with a hangover.

Because of the disorganization in my family life... and the inconsistent messages I learned that emotions were weaknesses that could be exploited. The less I showed emotion the less I was picked on. So I became numb... feeling nothing. And to help me with that I turned to cutting and self-injury. I am still ashamed of that... mainly because of society's view of self-injury. But you do what you have to in order to get by. It has been 3 months now and I take it one day at a time. I also wear an orange and white bracelet as a reminder (one my team manager at work had to fix for me not long ago).

I'd like to say I am past it... but it's not that easy. Abuse leaves lasting marks... often for a lifetime. It's very hard to change your world view and how you see yourself. I think it can be summed up as a legacy of pain.

My Life as a Cutter

WARNING: The following might be graphic and is potentially triggering. So you may not want to continue reading if you are currently feeling tempted yourself.

Some days I really wish there could be peace. I always feel like I am looking for answers. I am looking for a reason. Why did thing happen the way they did? Is it all about fate? Or just randomness? Sometimes there are no easy answers... or answers at all. Just more questions.

In my head I know that my mom lied to me. I know that I was a victim. But as I struggle to stay afloat and avoid bankrupcy there is this still small voice in my head wondering if maybe she was right. Maybe I really am nothing. Maybe I really will amount to nothing. I should be proud of the job I do at work and the fact I've been there for 4 years. But as I struggle to make ends meet pride gives way to doubt.

The more I doubt myself the more I feel like I am surrounded by blackness. When I was younger I learned that the only way I could bring about balance and stop the emotional pain was to cut. The scars are a reminder and are nothing compared to the pain of being a survivor. But there is so much shame in self-injury. I almost lost my job because of it (the irony being that I hadn't cut in 9 months at the time). But every day I still battle it. The temptation is strong, overwhelming at times. I fear that my strength just won't be enough. I fear that I will go back to it.

The only question that I wanted answered is why? Why did this happen to me? It is a question that will never have an answer. There is no why... there is only the need to get past it. To move on with life and learn from the past.

Just Leave Me Alone

The more stressed I become the more I pull back and go into isolation mode. Of course the more stressed I become the more tired I also become. So it's really about self-preservation. The last 2 years have been a demonstration of this. I don't want to go out and be social. There are other factors involved but stress is a HUGE factor. For the most part I just want everyone to leave me alone... well okay there are a few people that can always brighten my day. As for Steve, I would really like him to just leave me alone. Yesterday I made the mistake of asking what he was doing after work, I was just making conversation. Specifically I asked him if he was going to his storage unit after work since he is trying to clear it out. His actual response was "I'd rather play with you." I was actually a little taken aback. I mean there is no secret that he wants me... but this is the company email. Let's not go for suggestive comments. I turned him down but he doesn't get the hint that it's him I don't want. He either thinks I am sick, tired, stressed... or have some other reason. But it couldn't possibly be him. A while back he had a passing interest in someone else. Yesterday he was saying that she had told people he was expecting things of her. Or at least that was the impression she had. I was only half paying attention and I do agree with that assessment. So I was just like "Mmm-hmmm" and then he couldn't believe I was agreeing with it. I said something about the workplace and perceptions. I really didn't want to see his anger. I've seen it before and it was ugly. To a certain degree I have resigned myself to the fact I am not getting rid of him. I know I need to stand up for myself and say no to him. I wish it was that easy. Nothing in life is that simple. I fear what would happen if I did that. I'm also a doormat. I'd rather just take the abuse so that other people don't have to. And I am scared about what would happen if I did cut off all contact. He has this tendency to show up at will as it is. And, the one thing I hvae learned about a restraining order... it doesn't apply to work. I just can't win. And I just want to be left alone.

Trapped

Right now I feel like I am trapped and can't escape. I have a large number of stressors right now... my student loan and work being the two biggest. My stalker seems to want to take advantage of my weaknesses. The more stress I am under the more the Fibromyalgia acts up and then the more help I need. Steve preys on that. He's very manipulative and lives for taking advantage of me. I wish it wasn't true... and I wish I didn't have to say that. But he also knows not to be predictable. He doesn't hit on me every time he is over. In fact, it is a small percentage of the time. I suspect it's so I can't predict the pattern and so I don't completely sever all ties. I know I need to cut off all contact but it's easier said then done. He knows what buttons to press... and he knows just what to say. It's the art of manipulation. Part of me thinks I need him in my life. He runs errands for me... gives me a ride to work... takes out the recycling. But at what cost? For all that is it worth sacrificing myself? The obvious answer is no... but when all you know is abuse that answer doesn't come so easily. He just repeats what my parents did... and no matter what I am loyal to them. I'm like the obedient dog that just comes back for more. Kick me while I am down... It doesn't matter. In a nutshell... Steve is the predator and I am the prey.

Consent

The post over at SD's blog on Consent really got me thinking. What is consent? Sure there is the dictionary definition but in the real world what does it really mean to give consent? In its most basic form I take it to mean that I agreed to something. I'll even expand that slightly. In order to give consent I must actively agree to something. It seems like one of the only time consent even comes into question is in regards to sex. I already posted the legal definition... at least it's the legal definition in Canada.

In a nutshell I believe that in order to consent both parties must be capable of giving consent. Alcohol obviously impairs this ability. The decision must also be made free of coercion. Lastly, consent is an active process. Not saying no is not the same as saying yes.

If I look back at the times I was assaulted alcohol was a factor in 4 cases. It's very easy for me to rationalize it and say that I was just drunk. That I just regretted it later. But alcohol rapidly impairs my judgment. In fact, three of those times I had alcohol poisoning. With that much alcohol in my system there is no way I was legally able to give consent. With Mike I initially agreed and then stopped. For as drunk as I might have been I said no. Then I passed out and he decided to keep going. That was what I woke up to.

When alcohol was not a factor it was about power and my own naivity. I always believed that people were inherently good. My parents did a lousy job of teaching me those important life lessons, such as who to trust. In fact all I knew was manipulation so for someone else to play me like that came as no surprise. So that involved coercion instead of alcohol.

I'm sure the other party would (and has) argued for implied consent... that they didn't realize I said no. In spite of the fact alcohol is not a legal defense sexual assault is still about he said/she said. In fact my charges against Mike were dropped because of a lack of witnesses. But the one thing I come back to, time and time again, is that I did not actively give consent.

It's still tough to put the blame where it belongs, with the other person. I still have the tendency to want to blame myself... If I hadn't gone out that night.... If I hadn't been drinking... But, at the same time, other people need to be responsible for their own actions. Alcohol means that you are incapable of giving consent. Sex does involve 2 people and both of them have to give consent to the activities.

I think part of the reason it is so tough to blame the other person is because then our sense of justice and of safety gets shot to hell. It also means we have to give up the illusion of control. Not to mention the fact we often know our attacker. We don't want to admit that the people we know are capable of this... to put a face to the monster.

I'd like to say it's easy to get past it and move on with your life. I wish that was true. It has shaped many aspects of my life... how I see the world... how I see myself... my views on sex... and I'm still an insomniac. But that's why they say healing is a process and not an event. But to anyone that has been victimized it is not your fault. You did not deserve this. Nothing gives them the right.

Criminal Code of Canada

Criminal Code of Canada sections relating to Sexual Assault

The definition of consent is found in section 153(2) and (3):

273.1(1) Meaning of "consent" - Subject to subsection (2) and subsection 265(3), "consent" means, for the purposes of sections 271, 272 and 273, the voluntary agreement of the complainant to engage in the sexual activity in question.

(2) Where no consent obtained - No consent is obtained, for the purposes of sections 271, 272 and 273, where

(a) the agreement is expressed by the words or conduct of a person other than the complainant;

(b) the complainant is incapable of consenting to the activity;

(c) the accused counsels or incites the complainant to engage in the activity by abusing a position of trust, power or authority;

(d) the complainant expresses, by words or conduct, a lack of agreement to engage in the activity; or

(e) the complainant having consented to engage in the sexual activity, expresses, by words or conduct, a lack of agreement to continue to engage in the activity.

This is a very broad definition that illustrates what would constitute non-consensual sexual activity. It recognizes that women cannot always speak up and say no. They may be disabled or frozen in some way from speaking up, they may be intimidated or coerced into saying yes when they don't want to, they may be too afraid to say no. According to the Criminal Code of Canada there is no consent in any of these scenarios. The Criminal Code of Canada views sexual assault as an assault that is sexual in nature. The sexual assault offences include: sexual assault; sexual assault with a weapon, threats to a third party or causing bodily harm; and aggravated sexual assault.

272(1) Sexual assault with a weapon, threats to a third party or causing bodily harm -
Every person commits an offence who, in committing a sexual assault,

(a) carries, uses or threatens to use a weapon or an imitation of a weapon;

(b) threatens to cause bodily harm to a person other than the complainant;

(c) causes bodily harm to the complainant; or (d) is a party to the offence with any other person.

273(1) Aggravated sexual assault - Every one commits an aggravated sexual assault who, in committing a sexual assault, wounds, maims, disfigures or endangers the life of the complainant.

Law & Order: SVU

I was watching Law and Order: SVU tonight... well it's still currently on... and there was an interesting statistic. They said that if you are raped then you are 7x more likely to be raped again. That is a really interesting statistic. Makes me wonder why that would be the case. Is it related to personality... fear... PTSD... social networks... support systems.... something else? We can always hypothesize but we'll never really know for sure. It's not like we can actually do an experiment to find out. I believe there are a number of factors... I come from a broken home with abuse, never knowing who to trust. I had no support system and my friends were more on the surface then anything else. That was what set me up for disaster in the first place... I trusted the wrong person. I thought people were good. And I got burned. Then I vowed that I wouldn't trust anyone... that no one could have the power to hurt me. But I didn't care about myself and walked into some bad situations trying to prove to myself that I wasn't a victim. And ended up becoming a victim all over again. It was all too easy to blame myself because I didn't fight back... and in some cases I didn't openly say no. The most f'ed up part is that I actually find myself somewhat relieved that it happened to me instead of someone else. I know that's my own self-worth issues and that undoubtedly relates back to the statistic I mentioned at the beginning of the post.

Dream

It's unusual for me to remember my dreams... and I might only remember because the cable company called and woke me up today. Actually I have been having more lucid dreams lately... probably because of the medication I am on. But any ways... in this dream I was with my family, only I was younger. The people living next door were strange. Their son was a prisoner and being mistreated. In time we went in to rescue him and took him from the house (translation: we kidnapped him). When we got him to safety we found paperwork... and this paper work indicated he was adopted. Then he was using a computer program to randomly match with good parents. It had characteristics of each person and then you choose who you wanted. At this point I was woken up. I don't think I even need to go into the dream analysis for that one. It's pretty explanatory. Apparently I can't even get away from my family in my dreams.

Victim Mentality

With Mike finally quitting I feel like I should be closing the door on that chapter in my life. But it's not that easy. You don't just get over having your power taken away and being raped. It's not like you just walk away from that. I've had a hard time even reliving the event.... and it's now been a year. It really has changed my life. I don't go out. I wound up being on a seven week leave of absence because of the cutting.... the irony is that I wasn't even cutting. I just gave away the knife so I wouldn't end up going back to it. The charges were dropped. I saw him almost every day at work and there were people at work that spread rumours about me.

And now... I still feel like a victim. It happened in my own home. That sense of security was shattered. If I am not safe at home then where am I safe? I was further victimized by the justice system. The charges were dropped because there weren't enough witnesses. What exactly were they expecting? Did they want it caught on camera? Then there was work. They just shrugged their shoulders and said "It didn't happen here." As soon as they could legally get away with it he was allowed to wander the building... including into the same area where I work. Just to make it worse... right before the 1 year anniversary they moved him down the hall from me so I saw him numerous times a day. So every day I was further reminded.

I'm not sure my relationships will ever be the same. I already had issues with trust and intimacy from my family background and past experiences. Now I am back to not being able to let it go. The thought of intimacy terrifies me. How can I trust anyone? I hate to think of myself as a victim because society still associates that with weakness. There is a great deal of victim blaming. I know it wasn't my fault. I know that nothing justifies what he did. I just don't know how to get past that.

Adults Shamed in Childhood

Characteristics of adults shamed in childhood:

1. Adults shamed as children are afraid of vulnerability and fear of exposure of the self.

2. Adults shamed as children may suffer extreme shyness, embarrassment and feelings of being inferior to others. They don't believe they make mistakes. Instead they believe they are mistakes.

3. Adults shamed as children fear intimacy and tend to avoid real commitment in relationships. These adults frequently express the feeling that one foot is out of the door prepared to run.

4. Adults shamed as children may appear either grandiose and self-centered or seem selfless.

5. Adults shamed as children feel that, "No matter what I do, it won't make a difference; I am and always will be worthless and unlovable."

6. Adults shamed as children frequently feel defensive when even a minor negative feedback is given. They suffer feelings of severe humiliation if forced to look at mistakes or imperfections.

7. Adults shamed as children frequently blame others before they can be blamed.

8. Adults shamed as children may suffer from debilitating guilt These individuals apologize constantly. They assume responsibility for the behavior of those around them.

9. Adults shamed as children feel like outsiders. They feel a pervasive sense of loneliness throughout their lives, even when surrounded with those who love and care.

10. Adults shamed as children project their beliefs about themselves onto others. They engage in mind-reading that is not in their favor, consistently feeling judged by others.

11. Adults shamed as children often feel ugly, flawed and imperfect. These feelings regarding self may lead to focus on clothing and makeup in an attempt to hide flaws in personal appearance and self.

12. Adults shamed as children often feel angry and judgmental towards the qualities in others that they feel ashamed of in themselves. This can lead to shaming others.

13. Adults shamed as children often feel controlled from the outside as well as from within. Normal spontaneous expression is blocked.

14. Adults shamed as children feel they must do things perfectly or not at all. This internalized belief frequently leads to performance anxiety and procrastination.

15. Adults shamed as children experience depression.

16. Adults shamed as children block their feelings of shame through compulsive behaviors like workaholis, eating disorders, shopping, substance abuse, list-making or gambling.

17. Adults shamed as children lie to themselves and others.

18. Adults shamed as children often have caseloads rather than friendships.

19. Adults shamed as children often involve themselves in compulsive processing of past interactions and events and intellectualization as a defense against pain.

20. Adults shamed as children have little sense of emotional boundaries. They feel constantly violated by others. They frequently build false boundaries through walls, rage, pleasing or isolation.

21. Adults shamed as children are stuck in dependency or counter-dependency.

By: Jane Middleton-Moz; Shame and Guilt

Shame & Guilt

Quite often we use the words shame and guilt interchangeably. Fossum and Mason stated, "While guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one's actions, shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person." It has also been said "guilt is 'the feeling that what you have DONE is wrong,' and that shame is 'the feeling that what you ARE is wrong.'"

When you come from a life of abuse there is a lot of shame involved. It's very hard to admit that you were a victim. For so long you have thought that this was normal and all families are like this. Inevitably there are also thoughts that you brought this on yourself.

You feel that you are inferior and don't respect yourself. Even though you don't know the first thing about trust and healthy relationships you still think that you should've known better. Take the rape for example. I feel like I should've known better. I do feel somewhat responsible even though it was not my fault. I was the victim but I have a hard time taking on that role.

Shame is a powerful emotion. I know that shame is holding me back. I am ashamed of decisions that I have made. I am also ashamed of the trust issues... the communication issues... and even of events that I had no control over.

So that silence... of bearing the weight myself... stems from a world of shame and embarassment. And when that is all you know how do you get past that? Does healing ever occur?

Easy Way Out

I'm still spending way too much time trying to process everything that happens... just trying to make sense of the world. I've come to realize that my silence and not trusting anyone is about taking the easy way out. It's much easier to keep it to myself then it is to admit that I don't know the first thing about healthy relationships or trust. I don't even know how I should feel. That world is all I know. All I know is pain. I am basically self taught. I come from a world of neglect. As a result I've walked into some brutal situations... and I feel like I should've known better. That vow of silence is also about deficiencies. I overcompensate for my past and have this idea that I have to be perfect. Needless to say I'll never live up to that. I know it's cost me... but I don't know how to change it. I don't know how to ask for help... I had no examples to go by when I was growing up so to a certain degree I make it up as I go along.

I am still intimidated by public speaking... I've always been a ghost in the background.... trying not to stand out. I'm afraid of being wrong.... I'm afraid of being reprimanded. I don't feel safe. I feel exposed. I know what I am doing and I really need to overcome that if I want to move up in the company. It's not like I need to second guess myself every step of the way. I'm not always going to be right and that's okay. I need to bring perception in line with reality. Well basically I need to stop taking the easy way out. Take a chance and admit that I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

Defeated... Again

I think I have hit rock bottom. No money for groceries... and still no money for bills. It's an incredibly tough place to be. I'm working 55 hours a week just to try and recover from the whole battle with interest relief. Long hours and it just makes me more fatigued. So far it hasn't been too bad. But then it's not all that great either. If I was working for the extra money... and would have it to spend that might be one thing. But needing it to pay bills makes it a whole other story. And just adds to the stress.

I love my job and I do find it really rewarding. About the only stumbling block seems to surround pay. As a result of the current circumstance I feel pretty defeated. all the old memories from when I was growing up... The thoughts that I'm not good enough. I feel like I'm nothing... and I am always going to be nothing. Not that it takes much for me to doubt myself. I'm good at that.

It's been a long, drawn out week. Once pay day hit and I was officially broke I actually felt a little better. I guess because financially it couldn't get worse. I will freely admit that I am proud and try not to feel emotion, let alone show it. But it has just been an emotional rollercoaster. There have been many a night with me in tears. I am also a control freak and there just hasn't been a solution. I mean I am now digging myself out of it with overtime... but no permanent solution. It's not like my student loans are going away. Even if I do get the interest relief this time that's only a 6 month reprieve and then I face the same battle all over again. I need to find some way out of that.