The Trust Continuum

I suppose I am back to drawing on my psychology background. I was thinking about the contrast between Val and me. A healthy relationship includes setting boundaries. Some things you just don't share... and you don't tell everyone. At the other end of the continuum are the people that cut themselves off and trust no one. That one is just as unhealthy. You have to be able to trust people. No man is an island.

Since I am back to stealing from a web site... Boundaries are the limits that allow for safe connections between individuals. A boundary is that defining space which clarifies "you" and "me." Our understandings of what are acceptable boundaries grow out of our family of origin. A healthy boundary allows an individual to relate with genuineness to others. Persons with healthy boundaries know how to provide for their own personal privacy and safety. Appropriate intimacy and the achievement of trust is possible in relationships because there is no fear of losing "self" in establishing connections with others.

Persons with unclear boundaries establish the "locus of control" outside themselves. They allow others to define who they are, what they think, where they go. Intimacy for this individual can easily lead to abuse if those with whom they relate prove untrustworthy.

Persons with rigid boundaries are generally distant, unconnected, and lonely. These individuals have found "safety" through rejecting connections with others. Frequently these responses are a result of past abuse or emotional trauma. Intimacy and trust seem beyond reach.

I know I push people away. I am afraid to actually get close to someone for fear of being hurt. Fear of rejection and the fear of it being used against me... as it had been on numerous occassions. My motto was "Trust no one... that way you don't get hurt." There is a lot of truth to that... but it's also a world of isolation. Intimacy... what the fuck is that? Why did I cheat? The same reason I got in bad relationships... so that I had an excuse not to trust them. It allowed me to push them away. With Adam it was the only time I ever allowed myself to give a damn... to trust someone... and be vulnerable. That's probably also why it hurt so much when it ended... and why I still have mixed emotions whenever I think of him.

I know there are a few reasons for my lack of trust. The first reason stems from the abuse and keeping the family secret. When I did open up about it then it became a fight with my parents. Then there were my "so-called" friends... who betrayed that trust. Eventually I just didn't want to take the chance of being vulnerable. Now, I think the biggest reason that I don't trust anyone is because I have devalued myself to the point where I don't think I am worth anyone else's time. And I have trouble asking for help. I'm not saying I don't need help... I just don't admit to it... or ask for the help. I rely only on myself.