Demons

They say there is a defining moment in your life. Well that is what the movies say any ways. Now I wouldn't actually say that this is the defining moment... but it definitely has led to reflection. I never thought I'd live to see 25 so I did make it further then expected.

Right now there is a wide range of emotions. In the last few days I think I have come face to face with every personal demon... every skeleton in the closet. Well, it really started a month ago when I went to the doctor. But the emotional turmoil has been stronger in the last few days.

I've spent my entire life pushing people away, not trusting them... and refusing to allow anyone close to me. So now I feel really alone and isolated. I am not close to my family and have no support system. So now I feel like I am all alone with a huge weight on my shoulders. The uncertainty... the questions.... the number of times I have cheated death.... But it's not just my own mortality that I seem to be facing.

There is also pain and a sense of loss... not just from my home life... but from those times when I was a victim. Part of me still wants to blame myself... and then part of me does recognize that it was not my fault. It's so much easier to blame yourself... then it is to admit that the world is not a safe place... and that you can be a victim. I've always had the attitude that I am a survivor and I don't want to see myself as a victim... Back to the idea that I have to be so strong so I can't see myself as a victim. To me that's weakness.

Along with that also goes a sense of anger. Anger at the people that have taken advantage of me... including my parents.... After all they shaped my world view and how I see myself. They damaged my sense of self-worth and lied to me. But also anger at the people that victimized me and stripped me of my power.

I've spent years feeling nothing... blaming myself. So it's very tough for me to feel these emotions and try to come to terms with them. Some of these things clash with my beliefs. Somehow I have to be able to accept the fact I am not going to be strong all the time and that is okay. More importantly I have to face the fact that I was a victim. This does not mean that my identity is that of a victim but I can't get past that... to me I'd be admitting to a victim personality. A victim of circumstance... saying "Poor me" but that is not who I am. Lastly, I have to admit to myself that my parents were not the idealized people that I thought they were.

As I said before I never thought I'd see 25. I figured I'd be dead because of suicide, an OD, or something else. I never really valued my life. It's always been so full of pain that I didn't care if I lived or died. So here I am... Before someone says I am a hypochondriac or am being dramatic I don't believe I am dying. But if it is serious then I have to decide whether to stand and fight... or just lay down. It's easy for me to say I'll fight... but what the hell am I fighting for? More pain and hurt. Is it really worth fighting for?

It's one of those moments when I really recognize the pain.... the depths of the hurt... my own humanity. Basically the inner turmoil. And as Nietzsche said "He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." But how do you face those demons? How do you change your entire belief system and world view when it's all you know? How do you let go of pain and move on when that is all you know?

These are not easy questions to answer... for me any ways. When all you know is pain it becomes a comfort zone and you end up afraid of happiness. It also means facing all those emotions that I was unable to, or refused to before. For someone that has difficulty with emotions that is a daunting task. You're asking me to feel fear... to feel the pain... to feel the
rage... and to grieve the losses. And to do so without going back to some self destructive way of avoidance. I don't think I can do that. I know I need to.... but I'm scared to do it.

When everything is stripped away what is left? This is not the first time I have wrestled with that question... Of wondering who I am underneath that. My identity has been shaped by the events of the past and the negativity that stems from it. I created a cold, tough exterior for self-preservation. I refused to allow myself to feel anything to protect myself from the abuse. The long lasting effects. So if you take all that away what is underneath? Who am I?