Helpless

These days I feel more and more like an invalid. I am constantly feeling light headed and weak. I get home and just want to go to bed. I watch TV and am up until midnight or so but I never really feel good. It's an awful feeling. The sad fact is that my favourite part of the day is when I can go to bed since that is the only time I don't hurt and don't feel sick. Not that I am actually feeling suicidal but I can't help wondering about the value of life. Every waking moment is brutal. I get up in time to go to work and start dry heaving. That feeling of nausea continues throughout the day... mind you that one is likely just stress induced. My jaw hurts. I feel light headed and dizzy. And I still pretend that everything is fine. It's taking a huge toll on me, especially with the uncertainty.

On my days off I sleep for about 12 hours and am still exhausted. Even when I am home at night I barely move. I don't have the energy to troubleshoot my computer. I can barely even move off the couch. I'm barely eating at this point either. That's partially because I am on day shifts... and partially because I feel dizzy as soon as I stand. Steve has to come over periodically to do the dishes for me and take out the trash. He also takes me grocery shopping. For someone that is used to being fairly active I feel pretty helpless right now. :o(