Hanging in There

I am still hanging in there.... pretty tired at the moment. I'm not sure if that is from the 6 day stretch at work, being on day shifts, stress, or from not being able to sleep. Probably each one is contributing to that. I get home from work and am just so fatigued... I curl up on the couch until just before I have to go to bed. Being this tired it should be easy to pass out and actually get sleep... but no. I can't seem to shut my brain off. Then I barely get up with enough time to get to work.

I wouldn't say I am really going through mood swings but I do feel somewhat overwhelmed at the moment. I feel like I am getting pulled in every direction. Struggling to get things done at work... facing the fact I have to help another team for the first week next week and wondering how we're going to accomplish that without really making things difficult. Especially since I'll be on vacation later on in the month.

On top of that I have the doctors appointment this week... that means that at some point I am going to have to have the bone marrow biopsy done. That will be three days off work. Hopefully 2 of those days will be my weekend but I have no idea. They will just be giving me a date and a time to be there. It's also likely in Scarbrough.

In terms of the emotions there is definitely a mix and sometimes it's hard to control them... more so when I am at home. Probably because when I am at work I can keep myself busy and not think about it. It shows occasionally with me getting a bit stressed out. There is certainly anger there. Haven't I been through enough shit? There is also bitterness... since this is one more thing in a long life of pain. And, of course, there is also fear and uncertainty. the last month has been a waiting game. And I still have no idea how serious it is... and if I should be concerned right now. I also feel pretty isolated right now.

So I'm hanging in there right now... but I can definitely say it sucks at the moment.