Stalker Steve

People always ask how things with Steve ever got to where they are today... and why I still accept rides from him. To answer that question I would have to go back to January of 2003. I had moved to Peterborough. I didn't know anyone. I just started working at Minacs. I was also staying on someone's couch. I was basically homeless for the second time in 4 months. When I was out in the smoking area I would talk to everyone. It's who I am... or at least who I was.... I can still remember the day my life changed. I was out grocery shopping and I ran into Steve out with his son. I stopped to talk, thinking nothing of it. He invited me out to dinner at some point. I thought it was just a friendly invitation (Have I mentioned how naive I can be?) so I figured why not. I started school and then was only working 3 days a week. Steve would always be there... I really should've got the hint... It took me about 6 months to realize it was more then just him being friendly. Especially when he started showing up randomly.

The problem is that I have seen his anger and I did not (and still don't) want to cross it. By the time I actually realized that he wanted more then friendship I was already between a rock and a hard place. I had no idea how to tell him I wasn't interested without potentially making him angry. Since then I have tried being subtle, tried being blunt, and been in three relationships but he hasn't got the hint. That obsession has now lasted for 3.5 years with no end in sight. He would follow me to the bar and didn't get the hint when I picked up in front of him and left with someone else.

In November of 2003 I started dating Jamie. I thought maybe then Steve would back off and take the hint. I was wrong. He didn't think the relationship would last so he continued to hit on me and just show up at the house. He also knew exactly what buttons to push and used that against me... He has always preyed on my weaknesses and my pain to his advantage.

Then I met Adam... I was with him for over a year. And while Steve didn't hit on me (he knew better) he was still right there... every time I went to work... if I went to the bar after work with Adam he would just show up. People dubbed him stalker Steve and wouldn't tell him where I was. They just ignored his presence. He definitely was persistent. And then his dream came true... I was single again. I was also in rough shape. Adam went psychotic... I wasn't sleeping... and was fucked in the head. Things were basically spiralling out of control.... And I needed to find somewhere to live. I was able to get an apartment in Times Square and then my roommate bailed on me. So I was out of time and desperate. Steve stepped in to bail me out... and agreed to put his name on the lease. At the time it wasn't a problem because I had found a new roommate. But now I was indebted to him and he knew , especially since in the process I ended up owing him money. By this point I had also given up on the possibility that he would take the hint and leave me alone. Nothing I could do or say would convince him that I was not interested.... since even 2 relationships hadn't done the trick.

He did end up using my debt against him. He knew that I absolutely hated being in debt to someone. It just reinforced what my parents had said... so if I owed someone money it gave them power over me. He ended up using that power to get me to have sex with him. Which, of course, made things 10x worse. Now he's really delusional and thinks I want him... which I don't. I think he's a predator...

Just before Tristan and I broke up Jarratt moved out. Steve saw it as the perfect opportunity to continue on with his fantasy and ability to control me. He moved in since his name was on the lease... and said he'd only be there for a month or so... until we could find a roommate. Tristan hated him with a passion. He saw him as a creep but I think there was also an element of jealousy, or perhaps insecurity. I tolerated him because in three years I still hadn't found a way to get rid of him. It was a sore point between us... but I couldn't kick Steve out. Steve is not the reason we broke up... but he is the primary reason we did not get back together. Tristan could not get past the fact I had slept with Steve... even though I didn't want to. And Steve wanted to make sure I didn't end up in another relationship.

It got to the point where I couldn't even leave the apartment. I was scared to go to the bar. I figured either he would follow me there or he would just wait until I was drunk and take advantage of me. When I drink I tend to forget those things called limits... and it gets me into trouble. I have no conscious thoughts and definitely am in no position to give consent. I'll remember everything that happens... but at the time my thought process is basically non existent. And considering I have a tendency to have alcohol poisoning... That was a bit of a tangent... but it has happened twice now (not including the three I've mentioned previously) including by Steve. I was trapped. And he was always there.

Just before my LOA I was at the end of my rope. I knew he was the reason why Tristan and I weren't together. I was feeling trapped. I preferred to be at work then at home. I wanted him the hell out of my apartment but he had turned it into a storage unit and I was afraid to let anyone else see it. I couldn't take it. Truth be told he was the reason I wanted to go back to the self-injury... which is the main reason I ended up on the LOA. The funny part is that he never even realized that he was the reason for it.

So that was how it started... and why do I still accept rides from him and tolerate him? Because I can't get rid of him as it is. So I might as well make use of him. Anyone that has seen what it's like has agreed with my assessment. Adam wants me to stay away from him as much as possible but also believes that he is dangerous and that I should be careful.

I never said my life was normal... Seems to be more of a soap opera. I wish I knew a way to get him to leave me alone... I really do. Moving has helped... so has the shifts I am on... but I still can't completely get away from him. I'm starting to think I would have to move far away to be free of him. I'm not even sure a ring on my finger would do the trick. I supposed there is one other option... but I don't think so.