Vices

As soon as it was confirmed that I would have to see the hematologist I suddenly was craving a smoke. I know the motivation was to calm myself down but it was also because I don't have any good coping mechanisms. So I end up stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am suddenly filled with emotion and don't know what to do with. Then it just builds and sometimes I will become a pressure cooker. But I don't really want to go back to smoking. For one, smoking decreases your white blood cell count. Secondly, I really dont want to go back to that. I don't want to go back to drinking either. I have no desire to have a drink... or maybe it's the seizures that come with going overboard *lol*

The problem is that I am left with one vice that I am really battling now. I don't like this feeling of helplessness and the uncertainty. I have such mixed emotions that I want to go back to being numb. But to do that... or at least to give into that vice... would leave people really upset. I'm not even sure that recovery is even about me. I wonder if I stopped because of the stigma and the opinions of other people. Now self-injury is not a good thing... but at the same time I want to be able to cope however I deem necessary. Or I would at least like to be the one making the choice not to give into it. Right now I don't feel like it is my choice at all. Maybe that is why it is tempting me. It is very much an internal struggle right now. I'm alone... isolated... virtually no support system... and I want to feel nothing. So I will continue to battle through it but I don't see it going any way... since I have 2 weeks until the hematologist and even then I won't have answers immediately. What am I supposed to do? How do I get through this?