Retreat

I thought I'd retreat back to the inner sanctum... where people don't know it exists so I can be utterly and completely honest and not have to worry about offending someone. It's my refuge.

I must admit that I am kind of nervous about giving Pat the link to the public blog. I'm not sure why. I guess because I don't like people knowing that much about my life. I'm always worried about what they will think.

It's not like I didn't reveal some hard truths about myself either... the abuse I went through... the self-injury.... the fear.... and the date rape. All things I have a really tough time tlking about.

I was thinking about that today and wondering if it is a trust issue or if I don't think I am worth someone else's time. More likely it's a combination of both. I don't trust people... and am afraid that my eyes will reveal just how much pain there really is. I really don't value myself either. But then years of being told you're never going to amount to anything and being told you're worthless... just might have something to do with that.

Some days are better then others.... today is not one of those days. For whatever reason today I feel all of the pain and anguish. I know I should just let go and move on but it's not that easy. I'm scared of trying to actually deal with it. I know the potential is there to go back to the self-injury to try and cope with the overwhelming emotions that are bound to follow. There are few people that I would even trust to see me through it... That would be the ultimate in trust since to deal with it pretty much means I have to go to hell and back... relive it... and acknowledge that there was nothing I could do.

I am currently reminded of the line from "Good Will Hunting" where Sean says "It's not your fault" over and over. It's much easier for me to blame myself and use that to reinforce my low self worth. I also believe in an internal locus of control. So for me to admit that it wasn't my fault also means accepting the fact that I can't control everything.