Things I've Learned

Talk about life lessons. Some hard truths and some shaped by the life I've had.

1. A kind word is quickly forgotten. An unkind word is remembered much longer, sometimes even for a lifetime.
2. Trusting someone is costly. You have to be vulnerable and trust they won't break that trust. Once trust is gone it's very difficult to get that back.
3. Judge and jury... society can definitely judge you, even for your way of coping.
4. Labels are not a good thing. When a behaviour is labelled then we start shaping our view of that person around that label.
5. "Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge him. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them." (Oscar Wilde) As a child you believe everything your parents say and do not question it. When you learn it's not true it really shatters your belief system.
6. Feel nothing... and do not show emotion.
7. As much as we may want to live with no regrets it is next to impossible to forget the past and leave it in the past.
8. Insanity is simply a deviation of the norm... and who wanted to be normal any ways?
9. "Tears are the silent language of grief." (Voltaire)
10. Bad things will always happen. It is an unavoidable fact of life.

I'm not sure I really want to comment on these life lessons.... since it is a tough thing for me. I don't trust anyone. I am extremely guarded and do not let anyone close enough to actually know me. I think that's why Adam and I got along so well... we both had trust issues.

I'm not sure I will get get over the comments from my youth... and the neglect. I was called a bitch, slut, and many other terms and was told repeatedly that I would never amount to anything. I carry that with me... and may for my entire life. It's very difficult to reconcile that idealized image we have for our parents... and the truth that those were lies. It's easier to blame myself. Then I can maintain that image.

Home is also where I learned not to show emotion... and more importantly, not to feel anything. I prefer to be numb and when faced with emotion then I am definitely out of my comfort zone. I had to be tough. My sister was more emotional and, as a result, she got picked on more at home. I fought back so I avoided more of the abuse.

In spite of the fact I went into psychology I have learned that labels are not always a good thing. I believe that ADHD is over-diagnosed and is creating a generation of kids that are known by their label more then by who they really are. I was given the label of depression when I began my LOA and then all the behaviours were just attributed to the depression.

I'm sure that everyone learns the lesson, fairly early on, that life is not fair and that bad things are always going to happen. With the instability in my home life I was prone to risk taking behaviours and destined to go through some rough times. When I was in high school I was a ghost.... I tried to be invisible. But I was also seeking the love and attention that I didn't get at home. By the time I finished high school I had an ex that was emotionally abusive and one that was physically abusive. On top of that I was date raped, not once but twice in that time. I'm beginning to wonder if I have a sign over my head that says "Perfect victim" since I have been raped 4 more times since I moved to Peterborough. And the only time I pressed charges I sure as hell didn't get any justice. Now I'll be honest... 4 of them were related to alcohol. But that doesn't make it right. And two of them in Peterborough were from the same person. Once involved alcohol and once did not. There will always be an association between sex and violence. So I know full well that bad things happen. Now I just isolate myself and barely leave the house... It's a lot less eventful... aside from the arson in the apartment building.

Lastly... society is very quick to stigmatize certain behaviours and you get judged heavily for them. My orange and white bracelet is a reminder of that. Somewhere along the way I learned that pain was a good way to control emotion and bring about a balance... not in the sadomasochistic way either. Yes I engaged in self injury. I would purposely cut myself until it bled so that I wouldn't feel the overwhelming emotional pain. This one I could control. And I never cut myself that deeply. It was all controlled. I've been told it's attention seeking. I've also been told it's manipulative, meanwhile I try and hide it from everyone. I have been severely judged by other people. And those that do know about it try and control the behaviour which ends up making it worse. The irony is that I can drink myself to death and society would accept it. I could also become anorexic again and it would be more acceptable. Yes I have stopped... but I'm not so sure it's because I wanted to... or because other people wanted me to. Let me cope in whatever way I need to. Until you've walked a mile in my shoes... you cannot fully understand what it's like. Before you want to tell me that there are risks involved... there are risks involved just leaving your house. You could get in an accident. I'm not saying it's not destructive because I know it is but sometimes it's about survival and you do what you have to just to get by.

These lessons have been hard. Life is a number of lessons and often times they are not easy. Not all of those lessons should be true and unfortunatly some of it I will never get over. There was too high a cost in learning those lessons.