Emotional Rollercoaster

The last few weeks have certainly been an emotional roller coaster. When I was first fired there was first a sense of shock, followed by disbelief. Then there was a sense of relief. I felt like I was free. That thought was short lived though as I was now unemployed. Some days things are looking up and other days all I can see is the bottom of the barrel. It's tough... it really is. It's kind of like being bi-polar with all the highs and lows.

I feel like I did as a kid. I am back to doubting myself and wondering if maybe my mom wasn't right when she said I wouldn't be good enough and that I was nothing. It's a tough place to be.

Make It Stop

All I want right now is for the pain to stop. Is that too much to ask? I am beginning to think that my life is the stuff tragedies are written about. Nothing ever seems to go well for an extended period of time. When something happens it's like there is a domino effect. Several other things have to fall apart. The song "Pain" by Three days Grace says:

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

You're sick of feeling numb
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all

Anger and agony
Are better than misery
Trust me I've got a plan
When the lights go off you will understand

Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing
Rather feel pain

I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you're wounded
You know (You know you know you know you know)
That I'm here to save you
You know (You know you know you know you know)
I'm always here for you
I know (I know I know I know I know)
That you'll thank me later

Pain, without love
Pain, can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain than nothing at all
Rather feel pain


I'm not so sure I agree with it. Right now I think I would rather be numb and feel nothing then to feel all the pain. I just want it to stop.

Seeking Answers

In the Matrix they say, "It's the question that drives you." In the movie the question is, "What is the Matrix?" In my case it is more the question, "Why?" Sometimes there is no answer... Maybe it is all fate. Maybe it is just life. As humans we seek to understand to find meaning. And sometimes it's not that easy. I wonder if there really are lessons in everything or if sometimes things just happen and leave you with nothing more then, "Why?" I'd like to think that events in life have shaped my identity and made me a stronger person but some days I wonder.

Disturbed - Just Stop

Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life
Just drop the judgment and all of your pseudo-involvement in my life
Step back a moment, and look at the miracle starting in our life
Don't stop the moment, and let the incredible happen knowing that

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
To be the best in the world

Just stop with all of your little deliberate problems with my life
Enough of all the crippling, terrible pain we feel inside
Step back a moment, remember how the miracle started in our life
Take back the torment; I won't be enjoying this moment knowing that

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
I know that
All that we want is to feel inside
Some kind of comfort
And all that we've done
We can hide
We'll be the best in the world

All I ever wanted was to be a real source of compassion
From the moment that we found ourselves drowning in
All I ever wanted was to be a real source of compassion
From the moment that we found ourselves drowning in

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
I know that
All that we want is to feel inside
Some kind of comfort
And all that we've done
We can hide
We'll be the best in the world
We'll be the best in the world
Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life
Just drop the judgment and all of your pseudo-involvement in my life

No News is Good News

I don't really have a whole lot to say. I can't top the last post I had. Every time I look at it I feel it is just so prolific and really sums everything up. Healing is a process. It is not an event. When I think about my family life it brings with it a range of emotions. There is a great deal of sadness. So far I can't bring myself to feel anger. For as justified as the anger might be I just can't do it. Anger, for me, is an overwhelming emotion. It's not one I want to experience. I tend to direct anger inwards and self-destruct. So I really don't want to face that anger... not yet any ways.

Sadness & Pain

As I look at my last post it makes me quite sad... I'm sure I could've written a lot more if I really put my mind to it... and I might modify it later as more things come to mind. But to me it really speaks to the lifelong effects. We shape our views: both of the world and of self from our families and it's pretty clear the effects have been pretty devastating.

I wear a mask, something I talked about in another post, found here. That mask is about protecting myself. I don't want other people to see me as weak. Maybe part of me does want to protect the family as well. After all they are still my family. I feel like people would see through me. I am very guarded because I don't want to take the chance someone will expose me as a fraud. They'll realize that I don't know what I am doing and that I've been faking it... I know that it's a cognitive distortion and is a result of the lies I've been told and the neglect... but it's still my reality. I know that people wouldn't think less of me but I still try and mask the social deficits. Social interaction was lacking at home... right along with life skills. It's basically all self-taught and I feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. As if people mock me behind my back.

I am my own worst critic... expecting perfection and not accepting anything less. I keep thinking that if I could just be perfect then I just might win my parents approval. It's a pipe dream and will never happen. But I keep trying.... hoping. All I want is for them to say "Job well done" The sad reality is that I just set myself up to fail. Not because I'm not worthy... or a fuck-up... but because all I have is false hope. I am never going to hear those words... So I keep pushing myself... and then each time it's a disappointment. And each time I then try harder so the disappointment is even more pronounced.

All of my relationships have been touched by this legacy. I have difficulty trusting anyone because my home life was chaotic and disorganized. My mom would put me down to build up her own self esteem. There was nothing healthy about it. Just arguments and a real lack of human contact. Good touch.... bad touch... How about no touch at all? This is evident in any interpersonal relationship. I shy away from human contact and try not to get to close to anyone. I prefer isolation and my cat. After all, Azrael doesn't think I am a fraud. He doesn't care that I don't know what I am doing. I don't have to be perfect. His love is unconditional... as long as I keep feeding him any ways. *lol*

But there are some other devastating effects and the damage can't be undone. I was never taught anything about good relationships/bad relationships. I was naive and trusting. I lost that innocence pretty quickly. When I was 13 I was dating an older guy. I wanted love and acceptance... all those things that were lacking at home. Instead my innocence was shattered and replaced by victimization. I'm still not sure whether to call it seduction or rape. Well no matter what it was still statutory rape. Between that and the fact my second sexual encounter was also a rape it has really shaped future relationships. For most people sex is about intimacy and being close to someone, vulnerable. For me there will always be an association with violence. I was watching an episode of Law and Order: SVU and they said that if you've been a victim of sexual assault you are 7x more likely to be victimized again. I can see it. In the last 15 years (or almost 15 years) I have been sexually assaulted 5x. Three of those had a direct correlation to alcohol consumption. And how many times did I press charges? Once. Ultimately the charges were dropped but I did stand up for myself... However, the memories will last forever. The flashbacks and the nightmares.

Back when I was 18 I believed in waiting until marriage... And then after being raped for the second time that didn't seem to matter as much. Sex was meaningless. For a long time it was about random encounters... one night stands... Dissociation while having sex. Nothing mattered. It wasn't until I was with Adam that I really regretted some of those decisions. For once I realized that my decisions affected more then just me. But I can't take it back. Sex + Love Still = Violence.

The pattern of pain just continues when you look at the ways I chose to cope. I never learned any healthy ways to cope. I learned to escape in the bottom of a bottle. I was anorexic by the age of 10. And somehow I learned not to feel anything at all. On top of that I learned that self-injury was an effective way to reduce feelings of anxiety, anger, or any other intense emotion. It was highly effective and hard to stop. I still battle with it.

As you can see it's a wake of devastation and no part of my life has been left untouched. So what can you read from this? I am pretty fucked up. I lack social skills which I cover up. I never learned to have good, healthy relationships. I have difficulty trusting people, or at least am guarded. I am continually working to gain my parents approval which I'll never have. My relationships are marred by these trust issues which is why they never last. Then there is the violence. Sexual assault and physical abuse... I've seen it all. Last but not least I learned all kinds of negative ways to cope and no good ways to cope. This is the legacy of abuse and the pain it leaves behind.

What I Remember...

I am going to start this post with a warning. For one it could be graphic and disturbing. Secondly, I am not sure how much profanity will be involved... So be warned, especially for those people that know me in the "real world." This post is about what I remember from growing up...


Family

• "You're never going to be good enough"
• "Bitch, slut, whore," etc.
• Cold, unemotional and unavailable father
• Accused repeatedly of lying when I said I had never tried smoking... So I started smoking.
• Self taught... I taught myself how to do everything because no one else was going to. (Neglect comes in many forms)
• Over protective parents who tried to control me... instead of teaching me about life and what situations to avoid (see Relationships below)
• Ambivalent attachments
• Hate
  

Personality Traits/Psychological Disorders

• Overachiever
• Ghost in high school... just wanting to blend in and not stand out
• Fear of being discovered as a fraud... that maybe my parents were right
• Fear of abandonment/rejection
• Serious trust issues...
  
• Generally just fucked up
  

Relationships

• They say you date someone like your father... in my case that was probably not a good thing
• To most people a 5 year age difference in a relationship (when you're young) would send up red flags... Not to my parents. The end result: Raped at the age of 13
• Raped again at 18 after being too intoxicated to give consent
• Random sexual partners trying to fill the void... seeking acceptance
• The forever association between sex and violence
• Raped again by a co-worker (does it ever stop???)
• Relationships filled with abuse... what the fuck is a healthy relationship?
• Don't touch me
  

Coping Mechanisms (Maladaptive Coping)

• Anorexic at the age of 10 (that's right I said 10)
• Self-injuring by the age of 13... started one day in class with a compass. Been cutting myself off and on ever since. The longest I have stopped for was 3 years. Currently at the 6 month mark
• Punching walls until drawing blood; heading to the ER for x-rays
  
• Problem drinker by the time I went to university
• Staying up late at night to avoid the fights (Phase delayed sleep disorder)
  

Therapy (the Good Kind)

• Azrael (or any other pet that I've had)
  
• Retail therapy (better then some of the self destructive methods any ways)
  
• Sitting outside at night because it was the only time/place I felt safe... Alone... free to feel
  

Grief & Mourning

All too often grief is associated with death. It's like you are not allowed to grieve for any other reason. As taken from Wikipedia, "Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss. Although conventionally focused on the emotional response to loss, it also has a physical, cognitive, behavioural, social and philosophical dimensions. Common to human experience is the death of a loved one, be they friend, family, or other. While the terms are often used interchangeably, bereavement often refers to the state of loss, and grief to the reaction to loss. Losses can range from loss of employment, pets, status, a sense of safety, order, possessions, to the loss of the people nearest to us. Our response to loss is varied and researchers have moved away from conventional views of grief (that is, that people move through an orderly and predictable series of responses to loss) to one that considers the wide variety of responses that are influenced by personality, family, culture, and spiritual and religious beliefs and practices."

Based on that grief is simply about loss... Everyone is different, a combination of genes and cultural background. No one reacts the same way to situations and not everyone grieves in the same way. When I had to put Tigger down it was a very tough thing for me. It was like he was my child. But I felt that it was stupid... He was a pet. Tigger was more then that to me. He was a part of the family. And I had every right to grieve his loss.

Whatever the loss... people have a right to grieve. As part of my healing I am allowing myself to grieve.... Grieving what I lost. I lost my innocence and my childhood. I was robbed through abuse and neglect. There is a sense of loss. Right and wrong was challenged... Lies and truth sometimes the same. And now I am mourning those losses and allowing myself to feel that pain, that hurt and the betrayals.

How We See Reality

I have come to the conclusion that 2+2 does not always equal 4, especially not to someone that has been victimized by abuse. Okay so I'm not really talking about mathematics there. I realize that 2+2 equals 4, and is a mathematical certainty. No matter what my beliefs tell me that is always going to be the case. Why is that? It seems to remind me of all the times I heard "Because I said so" as a justification. Not that I am here to debate mathematical beliefs... That was just bit of a tangent.

Most people grow up in a home life that is stable and supportive... where you get consistent messages. In home lives where there is abuse or neglect it is often unpredictable. The message you get one day might be the complete opposite of what you hear 2 days later. One day 2+2 might equal 4 and another it might equal 5. There is no consistency and you never know what to expect.

Abuse leads to a distorted view of reality. After all you think that this is normal. And it's tough when you eventually find out differently. How do you reconcile the lies? It's a splintered sense of self. There are common beliefs (like the 2+2 = 4) that people hold... Barring a low self esteem most people have the belief that they intrinsically have value. Someone that has been a victim of abuse tends to put a condition on that. "I am worth something if..." I could come up with a bunch of examples of that but it's late and I am really tired.

This post was sounding a lot better in my head then it is written out... probably because it's almost 3:00 in the morning. Interestingly enough, as I am writing this the song "Love Heals" just came up in my iTunes library. That is an appropriate song for the moment. In a perfect world we would all have been given the same message (or at least similar messages) and 2+2 would always equal 4 in our belief system. We would all recognize that we have value just for being alive and being who we are. But instead we have these splintered realities and fucked up lives. Welcome to reality baby.

Love & Pain

Winter is a time when most people feel slightly depressed. There is decreased sunlight and longer periods of darkness. It's also a time for post-holiday blues. I always have a hard time around this time of year. Christmas is supposed to be a time with family... For many that is not such a happy time. You can include me on that list. It is a reminder of the past. The only thing that runs through my head is "You're not good enough." And try as I might I can't get past that. I know better... I *know* it's a lie. But when you have been told something often enough you tend to believe it. It's a tough thing to get past. The Christmas season is a reminder of all these things. Love and pain are a tough combination... If I could hate or feel anger it would be so much easier. But this is my family and I still love them. But there is a great deal of pain mixed in there. Pain of betrayal... of the lies... Love & Pain

Family Affair

The holiday season is almost over... pretty soon it will be a brand new year. Yesterday it was time to spend time with the family. That's always a hard thing for me. I went out to lunch with my mom, my sister and my sister's family. I even brought home the chicken with me so even Azrael got some of it. Then we went to Animlia. I almost ended up coming home with fish... but decided I didn't have the cash for it. Plus I am not sure where I would put a fish tank. I had a few errands to run and then we came back here... well my mom had to go to work but the rest of us came back to my place. It was a nice visit. Suzanne knows to keep mom and I separated and only having short visits. I did find it interesting though when mom gave me my Christmas present there was no mention of dad. I know he's out on the west coast but they are still married.

This year Christmas was a little more strained then usual. Mom tried to get dad to come out for a visit. He hasn't even met his grand-daughter yet. But he refused because his siblings are out there. What are we? We may not be blood relatives but the last time I checked family isn't just about the blood ties. And Annika is his granddaughter. Mom may be a lot of things but at least she is trying to make the effort to know her. Apparently, grandma has been telling mom to just let him go... to let him have his own life. So this Christmas did bring with it some sadness. I think people should stay out of their marriage. Let them decide whether or not it is worth saving.

Time with family is also a reminder of the past. It reminds me of the self-doubt and all the times I was told I wasn't good enough and that I would never be anything. For that... I hate the holiday season. At least it is almost over.

Holiday Season

Another Christmas is in the books... I was at work all day and it was a pretty quiet day overall which is exactly what I wanted. I talked to my parents yesterday which meant today was all about work. I'll be glad when the holiday season is completely over. My sister will be coming down on Friday and that will be the extent of my holiday celebration. Well my mom will also be coming out to lunch with us. I have mixed emotions about it. Part of me just wants to be alone and enjoy the time off... but I also feel like I have an obligation to my family. I'm just so tired and lacking energy that all I want to do is sleep so whenever anyone wants me to do something on my days off I am reluctant.

The Holiday Season

We're now in the middle of the holiday season. I hate going shopping because it's always crowded and people are always in a hurry. Of course I am not that crazy about shopping on a good day.

The holiday season is also about family. I won't be seeing my family at all during the holidays. My dad is in BC and, as for the rest of my family, I am working throughout the holidays. It's about staying busy and making some extra money.

My friends are basically family to me. They watch over me and support me. It's my friends that keep me going. Right now I can think of three people... Amy... Tammy... and Christie. They all have my back. Some days I think I'm their pet project though. That they feel somewhat responsible for me... or are trying to protect me. People do seem to have a nurturing instinct when it comes to me. I appreciate my friends and everything they do for me. So the holidays are about spending time with friends.

The Toy Store

Yesterday I was coming home from the dentist and had to stop by the drugstore. On the way there I stopped by the toy store. I have been trying to find a magic 8-ball. I never thought it would be so hard to find. Before anyone asks it has to do with work and I want to use it as an illustration for my agents. Any ways I spend way too much time in the toys section... especially with the games. It got me thinking... Why do I spend so much time in the toy section? I buy games that I rarely play but I do have a nice collection... Now the Nerf gun I do make use of. I came to the conclusion that it's about reliving my childhood.

My childhood is more about innocence lost... at least my adolescence any ways. That was about the same time I realized that family life was not all it was cracked up to be. I was beginning to realize that my parents were over-protective... to the point of smothering me. Instead of teaching me about the world they were trying to keep me isolated. I had to teach myself everything... how to cook... clean... take care of myself. To this day I feel inadequate, especially in social situations. It's part of the reason I tend to keep to myself. I don't want other people to see those deficiencies. Then I overcompensate for them so that people don't question me. It's a good system... and is about protecting myself.

Adolescence was also the time when I developed an eating disorder. My mom would insult my sister over her weight and I didn't want to go through the same thing. So I starved myself. But that didn't stop the harsh words or the insults. I was told I wasn't good enough... I was told I would never amount to anything. I was told that I was a slut... I was a bitch... I was no good. I still carry those scars with me.

At the same time I was somewhat naive. I was too trusting... I still am. I believed that everyone was good. when I was 13 I was dating an older guy. To most people that might have sent out red flags... predator warnings... But no... He went to church so I thought he was one of the good guys. I was sadly mistaken. I have blocked out a lot of the memories from that day... but you can call it seduction.... you can call it statutory rape... you can call it a lot of things. All I know is that it was the day my innocence was taken. I had nightmares about it... flashbacks... all the symptoms of PTSD. I saw myself as damaged goods... and it shaped my views on sex. It has an association with violence... a link made made stronger by the next rape.

So now a part of me is still stuck back there in childhood... trying to capture some of that youth I missed out on. And as a result I buy games and other toys that make me feel safe. To a certain degree I am stuck in the past. They remind me of a time before all this... a time when I was still innocent. It's about healing and self preservation. Now I just need to find a way to break out of that and get past it. Bring the past and present together. Let go of the past.

Decision to Heal

Okay so once again I have decided to plagarize... but for a worthwhile cause... This was taken from The Joyful Heart Foundation web site and I wanted to post it because I believe that it has a great deal of power and truth.

Once you recognize the effects of the trauma you have experienced, you have the choice to make an active commitment to yourself to heal. The journey to recovery can only happen when you choose to take the first step along the path to enlightenment. You must be willing and ready to explore, confront and make peace with your emotions, feelings and the reality of what has happened and the aftermath. You can take back the power and control that was taken from you.

• Breaking the Silence
  Disclosing what you have experienced in your life to someone you trust and feel safe with can be a profound step towards healing. By no longer keeping the violence a secret, you can dispel the shame of being a victim and allow yourself the courage to be a survivor.
  
  
• Making Contact with the Person Within
  After experiencing life-altering trauma, more often than not the survivor has lost touch with the person they use to be and does not recognize the person they have become. Getting in touch with yourself is a process with no time limit.
  
  
• Understanding It Wasn't Your Fault
  Survivors often believe that they somehow caused what happened. Survivors must place the blame where it belongs- directly on the abuser.
  
  
• Trusting Yourself
  You inner voice is one of the most powerful components in the healing process. Learn to trust your own perceptions, feelings and intuitions and let this be your guide.
  
  
• Grieving and Mourning
  Allow yourself permission feel what you are feeling. Grieving is a way to accept your pain, honor your pain, let go of it, and move into the present.
  
  
• Anger: The Backbone of Healing
  Anger is one of several paths you may encounter on your journey towards healing. It is an acceptance of what has happened. It is a powerful emotion that can help you heal and possibly motivate you to move forward.
  
  
• Spirituality
  Having a sense that there is a power greater than yourself may be an invaluable asset during your healing process. Spirituality holds a unique meaning for every individual and their personal journey.
  
  
• Resolution and Moving Forward
  You may move through one or none of these stages. You may walk, run and jump from stages only to return to where you began, yet these feelings and perceptions will stabilize once you go through what it is you need to feel and experience. You will come to terms with what has happened to you once you are ready. We can not change yesterday. We can live for today and look towards tomorrow. The wound will heal and there will be a scar, yet let it be testament of your survival. Having gained awareness, compassion and power through your healing you will have made the commitment to yourself to live your life on your terms.
  
  
• FORGIVENESS
  The only essential forgiveness is of yourself.

'Tis the Season

It's about that time of year to become more withdrawan and to be more melancholy. I don't suffer from seasonal affective disorder or depression. It's just something about this time of year. I think it really is the decreased daylight as well as the colder weather. I can't walk to work now. And the pain with the fibromyalgia is also increased. I think it's also the upcoming holiday season. Whatever the reason... I just want to hibernate. Wake me up in the spring. I also have to be careful because I have a tendency to go for some retail therapy when either stressed or down. I've already noticed it. I'm begining to think I need to hide the bank card so I can't spend anything. Well okay I do need to see the dentist... but other then that... Worst part is we are just starting to get the cooler weather... so it's going to be a long winter.

Turning Points

My vacation has really given me a chance to just be. Usually I am so caught up in the daily grind that life just passes me by. It's all about what I have to do. Next thing I know days... and then weeks... have gone by. It's like the song says, "Every day is exactly the same." The time off has also given me a chance to reflect. People have asked me if I regret going to school knowing the debt load I now carry and the issues I've had with interest relief. The answer is no. While I would like to be out of debt I don't regret the four years I spent at Huron. Looking back... that might have been the best years of my life.

There was never a question of whether or not I would go to university. It was assumed that I would go to school. I suppose I ultimately had a choice but the thought of not going never crossed my mind. The only question was what school? I chose Huron because I loved the campus at Western. Huron was more of a challenge to get into and smaller classes. I always was up for a challenge and never took the easy road.

There are always turning points in our lives. These pivotal moments shape the course our lives take. Sometimes they are small decisions that we think will have no consequence and other times they are big decisions. Going to university was one of those turning points for me. One of my reflections was on my life at the same time. Back in 1998 when I left for school I was 19 and was filled with anger. I had a chip on my shoulder and was on the fast track for disaster. Around the same time my best friend went into a treatment program and my first love went to jail. I had taken a year off between high school and university so I was working. But my job was only part time. Left me a lot of time to get into trouble. I was developing a drinking problem. My friends from work were into drinking and drugs. Had I not gone to school I likely would've chosen that path.

I can wonder what my life would've been like but I'll never know. I left that life behind, as well as those friends. Not to say life has been easy since that point... Life is never easy. But it was one of the best decisions that I ever made. Look at where I am now. I quit smoking... quit drinking (except for on special occassions).... and have ben working for the same company for 4 years. Compared to where I was at 19 that is quite an achievement.

Paranoia

I took a long walk tonight after work. It was about 9:00 when I came back home but it was already dark. I have always said that I would live my life without fear. Granted that was after the second time I was sexually assaulted... and then it happened again. Either way I was feeling a little vulnerable on the walk home... paranoid even. I kept turning to make sure no one was following me. I really hate the fact other people have that kind of power. The power to make you feel fear, paranoia and vulnerability.

Here & Now the Lies Stop

I always hate it when someone challenges me. I do so well at hiding and just trying to fit in, not be noticed. I've become so adept at being a ghost that I sometimes forget who I really am. I don't trust people very often. Except online I don't talk about myself. I don't want to expose myself and risk getting hurt. But every once in a while someone will challenge me and in doing so strip away the defenses. That's not a bad thing since I don't seem to listen to myself. *lol*

As part of the Blogger Carnival there was a post called "Humiliating Others - Deliberate Abuse that Cuts Deep." Ever since I read it on Monday I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. It really spoke to me. I highly recommend that you read it. One of the most important statements was, "And there I sit, looking at these beautiful, intelligent, sensitive people who think they're garbage. It kills me." It's amazing how much one, small statement can have such a profound impact.

In the comments Linda went on to say, "But you and I both know that what we're talking about here totally affects everything. That less-than feeling is like a lens, but instead of helping you see clearly, perverts your vision.

I'm going to write an entire answer to your comment in a post. I agree, acceptance is a big part of it, accepting you, accepting her, then throwing away a bad script."

I've become so entrained in thinking poorly of myself and using negative talk to keep my self-esteem low. It has a lasting effect. Linda's right, it is a lens. It is a lens that is used to continue on with the pain of the past. It also means that my parents still have control over me.

Linda's post has really challenged me to look at the lens through which I am looking at life. My beliefs about myself. I'm not worthless. I have value. I am intelligent. I still have trouble believing that I am beautiful but that's a whole other story. After being challenged to re-evaluate my beliefts about myself I came to the conclusion that here and now the lies stop. :o)

Christina Aguilera - Beautiful

Beautiful

Everyday is so wonderful
Then suddenly
It's hard to breathe
Now and then I get insecure
From all the pain
I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful
No matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful
In every single way
Yes words can't bring me down
Ohh no
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends you're delirious
You're so consumed
In all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone
Left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

You are beautiful
No matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
Ohh no
You are beautiful
In every single way
Yes words can't bring you down
Ohh no
So don't you bring me down today

No matter what we do
No matter what we say
The sun will shine your way
'Cause you are beautiful today

Everywhere we go
The sun won't always shine
But tomorrow's another day
So keep on looking to the sky

We are beautiful
No matter what they say
Words can't bring us down
Ohh no
We are beautiful
In every single way
Yes words can't bring us down
Ohh no
So don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down
Today