"Broken"

As I mentioned before I currently feel a strong sense of loss. It's the inner child trying to come through and be free. That small voice that says "You had no right to treat me like that." It's the sound of innocence. And there is the realization of the destruction and devastation that was left in the wake. I think my emotional state of being can be summed up in one word "Broken".

For once I truly understand that being broken isn't necessarily a bad thing. Only when you're broken can you be fixed. It was my pride and my false beliefs that were holding me back. A prison isn't always about keeping someone locked up.... it's also about keeping people out. I had the belief that I couldn't trust anyone. When you lock everyone out there ends up being a high price to pay. You can't go through life completely alone, especially with a burden like this. Well you can, but it's incredibly lonely. It's difficult to change that though. It means allowing yourself to be vulnerable and take a chance. When you trust someone you give them power. They have the ability to hurt you. I'm all too familiar with the lonely road... of not letting anyone into that inner sanctum and of being guarded. Now I guess I am just a work in progress.

The thought of trusting someone... and of healing is actually pretty scary. It means leaving my comfort zone and taking some risks. I am a risk taker but those are usually negative risks, ones that are self destructive. Funny how that works. I know it was because I didn't value myself so a part of me didn't care what happened. I was already dead inside. I was numb so that no one could hurt me. This also allowed me to walk into potentially dangerous situations without considering the potential consequences. It could be argued that for a long time I was engaing in behaviour that was tantamount to russian roulette. So now I have to turn that risk taking behaviour into something positive.