The Fight

This has been a tough week... from an emotional standpoint. It started with the fight I had with my mother over staying in a motel before going to see the doctor. Then I was talking to Adam and he was commenting on how absurd it is to fight over something like that. It really brought things into focus for me. This is pretty much every conversation with her. It doesn't matter how insignificant there will always be a fight. And I am so fucking tired of putting up with that shit to keep the family peace. People can tell when I've talked to her because I am a different person. The light in my eyes is gone and I am crushed... Suzanne seems to think I should stop worrying about what mom thinks and stop trying to change her mind. She also said not to defend my decision. So then I am just letting her win by staying silent. That actually reminds me of life at home. Suzanne was the passive one who put up with it... I fought back... and mom actually left me alone more because I refused to bow down and show emotion. I fought back and I wasn't as easy a target. Of course, Suzanne also denies that there was any abuse at all. 20 years later it's still the same. My issue isn't even with the fight and what it was about. I don't fucking care about that. What I care about is that everything with her is a fight. I care about the fact it's about control and, in some ways, the past. Even though I am 27 and don't live at home she still treats me the same as when I was younger. Nothing is ever good enough... there is always something wrong. Granted she is not putting me down now but she does fight me on just about everything. Mom has the power to bring me to tears... one of the few people that can. And in that fight she did. So, in some ways, the light went on. I am tired of dealing with that BS and that pain. That's all it is, wrapped in a lie called loyalty. It's a hard truth but an undeniable one.