Ongoing Saga of Steve

Pat said recently that I need to sever my ties with Steve. I am well aware of that fact. I've known it for a long time. I wish it was that easy. I wish I could just say "Fuck you" and walk away. After all I've spent 2 years, and three relationships wondering how to get rid of him. But he's like a stray dog and keeps coming back. He never gets the hint. You'd think after the relationship with Adam... or the one with Tristan... he might've got the message. Or even when I picked up at the bar right in front of him. But he seems to have these delusions that I am interested in him and it never matters what I say.

It all started with me being naive and not knowing anyone in Peterborough. I thought he was just being nice. And I thought so little of myself that the possibility he was interested in me never even crossed my mind. I would give anything to go back in time and change things.

He's obsessive to the point of it being frightening. He still buys presents for his ex-wife on Valentines, Mother's Day, their anniversary, etc. That's kind of creepy. Especially since they haven't been together for 10 years. Let it go and move on with life. I also get the impression that he is in a mid-life crisis. He seems to want to be with someone who is much younger then himself. He's been interested in a few people.. all of which were at least a decade his junior... and all of them he had no chance with. But he always comes back to me and refuses to let go of that fantasy. That obsession is actually smothering and makes me feel claustrophobic. Once he moved in to be closer to me I couldn't go anywhere or do anything any more. I was just trapped in the apartment and this is part of the reason for my LOA.

It's not just the obsession though. I now understand why so many people stay in abusive relationships. They feel powerless... helpless... and are trapped. The abuser is controlling and manipulative and the victim feels guilty and may blame themselves for it. Take my situation for example. I blame myself for not realizing just what he was after and not getting away when I had the chance. Steve definitely uses manipulation to get what he wants. I am used to an unstable enviorment.. that is what I grew up with. And now Steve is recreating that. Instability and unpredictability... I feel like I am powerless. It's the same feelings I had living at home. The sense of pain... and hate. Every time I see him my skin crawls. Yet I continue to allow him to abuse me and allow him to control me.

I feel like I did just before I went to university. Trapped and alone with no way out. All I see is darkness and pain. There is no end in sight. It also brings with it anger and hate. But I don't know how to break free. The only way I broke free of my parents influence was them moving across the country. And now I seem to be back full circle since mom is in Peterborough. I get the impression the only way I would be free is to move far enough way that he couldn't come visit or death. It has gotten better since I moved but he still believes I want him and creates an extremely unstable environment where I still feel trapped.

The other reason I can't break free is my fear of him. It's not just the fact he looks like a terrorist. I've seen his temper and it was not pretty. I've also heard what he has said about ways he would hurt other people. Everything from breaking kneecaps to death. So I try not to piss him off. Plus there is the fact he has swords, dynamite, a 9 mm handgun and various other weapons. I get the impression that if I did walk away I would also need a restraining order.

It's not an easy situation to walk away from. If it was I would be long gone already. It is certainly not a healthy relationship and simply reminds me of life at home from my younger days. Maybe I need a ring on my finger although I'm not sure a marriage would even get rid of him. Adam and I were together for a year and I still couldn't get rid of Steve. Hell I think that if I decided to become a lesbian he'd just think I was bisexual and wanted to fuck him too.

So if anyone has ideas as to how I can get rid of him I'd love to hear them. I've spent about 3 years trying to figure that out and still haven't got anywhere. He's still hanging around and things have actually gotten progressively worse. But then most people don't understand what it's like to have a stalker.