Intimacy & the Sense of Touch

Anybody that knows me knows that I have serious issues with intimacy. That's not much of a surprise considering the unstable family relationship I had. I choose not to get close to people. I don't want to get hurt agin.

When I was born I was 9 weeks early , weighed three pounds and had respiratory distress. I was immediately sent to Peterborough hospital where I stayed in an incubator for a month. What does that have to do with the topic? It meant that I was not held... and never got used to human touch.

My dad was cold and distant. I never saw much of him when I was growing up. He was away on business quite a bit. He was also authoritative and never was big on human touch. Mom was inconsistent on that front. Usually she was telling me what I did wrong and how I would never amount to anything. But then when she was depressed she would apologize and try and hug me. With the mixed messages I withdrew and shied away from human contact. Well there were other reasons as well but I won't get into that. That one is for another day if I am ever able to actully deal with it.

So now I have a fear of physical contact. There are very few people that don't make me feel uncomfortable when they touch me. My chiropractor is one of them but I think that's because it's therapeutic. There are a couple of people at work that will stop by my desk and put their hands on my shoulders. It's who they are... they're just expressive that way. I tolerate it but I definitely tense up. I think it's because you are allowing people into your personal space and it means you are vulnerable. It opens you up to the possiblity of them hurting you. Whenever Steve is here he puts his hand on my back and I know it's because he's hoping it will lead to sex. And when I reject him he chalks it up to me being tired. I just cringe whenever he is near. It really makes me feel threatened. Maybe one day I'll get over my fears of intimacy, vulnerability and physical contact. But for now I am just guarded and wounded... so stay away.