Questioning Everything

I'm still going through a mix of emotions and there are a lot of questions that come up as I begin the healing process. I've spent so long pushing it into the background and just accepting it as my reality that I don't know how to deal with the emotions. I also wonder if I have a right to be angry. Part of that comes back to me justifying my mother's behaviour. She was depressed and learned some of the behaviours from her father. But that doesn't make it right. There are a few contradicitons and I am not sure how to reconcile the two. For instance, any type of abuse involves a betrayal but since it's the family there is still a sense of loyalty. Since they were my parents there is love... but because of the detrimental affects there is also a certain element of hate.

I was raised going to church every Sunday and with the whole Christian values. The Bible says to honor your parents and love them. So I feel like I shouldn't hate them... which leads to me wondering what the appropriate response is. I also wonder if I have to forgive them in order to move forward. I'm not sure I can do it.

I also wonder how I can face the pain... the hurt... all the emotions without self destructing. Now that is something I am good at. I'm surprised I am even still alive. I never thought I would be. Between the eating disorder, the self-injury, the binge drinking, the risky sex, and the smoking... They're the only coping mechanisms I know. And all of them are damaging, one way or another.

If I actually face it and work past it will I ever be able to trust people again? With the neglect, as well as the abuse I became a ghost and talked to no one. I was judged by a lot of people and was condemned by most of them as well. As well I wanted to keep the family secret so I trusted no one... well almost no one. I also got to the point where I thought I wasn't worth anybody else's time. Even now I struggle with asking for help or starting the conversation. I know it's not true but I always think I'd be wasting their time. It's not easy to break that and actually trust people. It means being vulnerable... letting go... something I haven't been able to do in a very long time, if I ever could.

Why do I still want their approval? I know it's a lost cause. I know I made it through... I got my degree... I've got a job... yet I still want them to say "Job well done." I keep in touch hoping that one day I will actually hear some sort of praise.... And because I never heard it while growing up I doubt myself and my abilities all the time. I second guess myself and while I can easily find fault in something I'm doing... I don't accept the compliments of others very well. I managed to just shrug it off.

Should I sever all ties? Being in contact with them only causes more pain for me. Things have never changed and they still deny there was any abuse. That leaves me wondering if I should even have contact with them. That comes back to the loyalty. I feel like I have to stay in touch... like I am a bad daughter if I don't.

One of the most challenging questions is "Who am I?" I've been wearing masks for so long... and hiding who I was... that I've forgotten who I really am. The effects of being a victim of abuse is so entwined in my identity that it really has shaped who I am and where I am in my life. All of my coping mechanisms have been extremely negative and often quite damaging. I didn't care if I lived or died. I was an anorexic by the time I was 10. Needless to say that has health consequences and has made it difficult for me to gain weight. I've had alcohol poisoning more times then I would like to admit to. I always set myself up for bad situations even though I know better... and as a result have been raped by 5 different people. So now I see sex as pretty much meaningless (except for Adam... that was different) and it has an association with violence. Cutting yourself on purpose is obviously fucked up and harmful. I went to university to prove that my parents were wrong... that I really could do something with my life. I went into psychology and looking back I wonder if it was an attempt to heal myself or because I had been there so I wanted to help others. So when you start removing all those things and peeling back the layers what is left? Who am I?

I also wonder if the following quote is true... and if it is... then is there even a point to dealing with it and working through the emotions?

"Man... cannot learn to forget, but hangs on the past: however far or fast he runs, that chain runs with him." (Friedrich Nietzsche)