Raw Emotion

The fight with mom got me thinking... not like I need any help with that one. I spend too much time thinking as it is. But that fight brought things into focus for me. It helped me realize just how much power she had over me and how it was affecting me, even now. I've been out of that environment for 8 years now. Best thing for me was when my parents moved to BC and it was life on my terms. And then I moved to Peterborough. That wouldn't be a big deal except that mom ended up here as well. In some respects I feel like I did when I lived at home... all over again. I can't go through that again. I won't.

But with that realization also came great pain. I had acknowledged the emotional abuse... but I had made excuses for it and let her have power over me. I refused to allow myself to feel anything. I was scared I would self destruct. Plus when you are still in the situation you have to be strong. I wanted to be numb... to feel nothing. It was also about protecting myself. But now I am on my own and at a crossroads. A couple of days ago I was faced with the raw emotion that comes with accepting the fact you were a victim and there was nothing you could do about it. As a control freak I hate accepting the fact I had no power.

It's really difficult to face the fact your world view is completely based on lies and that your entire identity has been formulated around protection and the instability of family life. The other reason that I have been reluctant to face this is because it involves stripping down everything I know about myself and rebuilding. I have no idea who I am underneath that all.

When all you know is pain it's actually challenging to think about happiness. It seems like that would be a contradiction but there's safety in what you know and fear of the unknown. That's one more thing holding me back. Misery loves company