Aggravated

My day started off reasonably well. Alarm was going off at 11:30. I didn't really want to get out of bed but knew that family would be arriving soon. Normally on my days off I sleep until 1:00, sometimes even later. I know you are probably wondering how in the world I can sleep in that late. With the Fibromyalgia I don't tend to get a lot of sleep, at least not restful sleep. And I really don't hit deep sleep until after about 5 a.m. for some reason. So on my days off I am trying to catch up. For more on how the visit went see "Family Christmas."

I got home around 4:30. Steve said he'd call around dinner time to see if my family was still here. He knew I had a few errands to run. Finally called around 5:30 and said he'd be back here at 7. That didn't leave me with enough time to do laundry... or watch a movie. So I put all of today's photos on my computer, updated my blog and basically just killed time. At 7:15 he called and hadn't even left the house yet to take his son home. By the time he gets here it will be about 8:00 and there is no point in trying to get errands done. Needless to say I am a little aggravated right now. I just wasted the entire day as a result and it means that I don't get to relax tomorrow. I have to do everything then. I knew I should've just called a cab and gone down there myself.

He still wanted to try and get them done. I do not want to try and make it to FutureShop and Zellers with less then an hour before the stores close. For one, the stores are going to be busy and just aggravate me further. I'd be watching the clock and it just wouldn't be enjoyable. I used to work in retail so I know they don't want you there as the store is closing. Now I am trying to decide if I should start on laundry or just add it to the ever growing list of things to do tomorrow... like go shopping... go to the chiropractor... get my hair cut... I was hoping to have very little to do tomorrow so that I could feel like I had some time off. It was a nice thought.

So Steve should be here shortly and I have no desire whatsoever for him to be here. He's already pissed me off... can't he at least leave me alone for a while too? But no... Fanboy has to make an appearance... tell me all about his day... and just aggravate me further. Maybe I'll go to bed early tonight just to escape.

The Saga Continues

Some days I just want to go postal... But then the anger is usually directed at one person: the obsessed stalker that seems to have a number of names these days. Came home tonight just after I got here with company. Normally I wouldn't care but I've got a migraine. And the last time he had company here he told me they were staying indefinitely. I don't really want to entertain and last time I checked this is still my apartment. I suppose the good news is that he won't be hitting on me. So there is one plus. I told him I was on legacy all night and then he tried to tell me that they can't schedule when he is not around and really had a superiority complex. Now I've done his job and beat him at every statistic. So spare me the god speech. Seems to think he deserves Tier 2 as well. Just because you have been here for five years does not make you the best agent in the place. He was once a performance coach and didn't even make it through the probationary period. Maybe that should tell him something.

Found something else out that was quite interesting. Natasha became a performance coach and we talk on occassion. Steve was telling me that he helped her move and then she didn't talk to him for 6 months and didn't understand why. I found out the reason the other day. He asked her out on a date after helping her move. Hmm... guess that explains why she wasn't talking to him, didn't want to send the wrong message to him. But I guess he forgot that part of it.

I just wish I knew some way of getting rid of him. I don't even think a ring on my finger would do the trick. Mind you a shot gun wedding does have a certain appeal to it *lol* With a stalker around it's not like I can meet someone as it is. I pretty much stay at home these days... too scared to go out. If I go out and he knows where I am he'll just track me down... and hope I drink enough to take advantage of the situation. And he makes sure no guy will be within 10 feet of me. So the night ends up being a wash. Not to say I can't get myself into trouble when I am drinking alone 'cuz I do that quite well too. But a little freedom would be nice, just to be able to go out and actually have some fun once in a while. I'm trying to remember what fun actually is.

Any ways... time for me to get some food. The headache isn't quite as bad so I better grab something to eat.

"Just Stop"

Some days I really like the band "Disturbed". Oh wait, that would be almost every day. Their new album rocks. Every time I hear the song "Just Stop" I am reminded of my family.

"Just Stop"

Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life
Just stop the judgment and all of your pseudo-involvement in my life
Step back a moment, and look at the miracle starting in our life
Don't stop the moment, and let the incredible happen knowing that

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
To be the best in the world

Just stop with all of your little deliberate problems with my life
Enough of all the crippling, terrible pain we feel inside
Step back a moment, remember how the miracle started in our life
Take back the torment; I won't be enjoying this moment knowing that

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
I know that
All that we want is to feel inside
Some kind of comfort
And all that we've done
We can hide
We'll be the best in the world

All I ever wanted was to be a real source of compassion
From the moment that we found ourselves drowning
All I ever wanted was to be a real source of compassion
From the moment that we found ourselves drowning

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
I know that
All that we want is to feel inside
Some kind of comfort
And all that we've done
We can hide
We'll be the best in the world
We'll be the best in the world
Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life
Just stop the judgment and all of your pseudo-involvement in my life

I grew up under the shadow that what I did was never going to be good enough... I still second guess myself, especially at work. Every conversation I have with my mom ends badly. I barely speak to her because I don't want the criticisms. If I want someone to insult me I do a good enough job on my own... I don't need someone else to do it for me. I guess I am reminded more of this song because I am going to be having dinner with my mom on Wednesday. Well that and the fact it's currently playing on the stero *lol* I'm still conflicted between cutting all contact and still trying to attain their approval... yet knowing it's hopeless. It's never going to change. No matter what I do it's never going to be good enough, for them any ways. It's sad when most of my life has been spent trying to prove them wrong. Even sadder that all I want to hear one day is "Job well done." There is nothing wrong with validation but it's hard when for so long you've believed the lie that it shapes who you are and you can't see the truth any more. You work so hard to prove yourself as worthy that nothing less then perfection is acceptable.

Heather

And all that I want is forgiveness one more time

Some People

This is basically me venting about someone's behaviour. These days I am not sure I have anything good to say about the stalker. He just gets on my nerves. But right now it's the fact he is cheap and a pack rat. there is nothing wrong with looking for deals when it's something you were looking for but stocking up on items you will likely never need just seems like a waste of time to me. He pays for three storage units because he has so much junk and then wonders why he doesn't have any money. At one point he bought 4 large speakers out of a van because he thought they'd come in handy. They were worthless. If you're going to be cheap at least be smart with your money. The other day he was saying that he didn't give some people on his team Christmas cards because he barely knew them. Well it's a good way to get to know them. I could understand that if he was buying Hallmark cards, or even boxes of cards from a store like Zellers... But he got them at the dollar store and had cards left over. So it costs you $2 to give a card to each member of your team. What is the problem with that? But then I don't believe money is the be all and end all. I'll spend the money if I think it's going to put a smile on someone's face. I spent $20 on a joke gift for my supervisor just because I figured she'd get a laugh out of it. I guess it's just a difference in opinions and I won't sacrifice quality for quantity. I'm also not a pack rat... in fact I try and keep only what is important to me or what I have a need for. I can't say the iron I just bought is important to me but I do have a need for it. My dress pants don't look so nice otherwise *lol* Okay I am done venting now.

The Sound of Silence

Today I am really enjoying the sound of silence. I understand why monks would make a vow of silence. Or maybe it's just the fact I don't want to listen to more background noise.

I've spent much of the day at home avoiding the madness and insanity in last minute shopping. I find I just get aggravated in crowds. Instead, I've been watching CSI and just relaxing. For the most part it has been working, except when the roommate/stalker is around. Now he just sets me off on a good day... I get annoyed when someone tries to come across as an expert in a subject when it is clear that they don't know what they are talking about. Even more so when they want to debate it with you. For the most part I am not one for small talk. Sme of that comes from the fact I am always thinking... or focused on something... and my brain has trouble processing conversations these days. I don't say much out of fear that deficit will show. But, at least with this individual... I also don't want to fake interest in the daily routine of their life. I didn't work today so I don't have much of an interest in the calls you had... Let me enjoy my day off. Nor do I care about his current thoughts on video editing. That is my area and I don't like to be second guessed... especially by someone that has no knowledge of what is involved. And as for asking me what I am working tomorrow... since the call center is only open 8 hours I am working the same shift as everyone else. Just stop talking, unless there is something useful to say... let me enjoy the peace and quiet.

"When you speak, your speech should have been better then the silence would have been" (Origin unknown)

Obsession Part 2

The comments continue... or is it the nightmare? The same person I was writing about before is back with more comments. First it started with someone from work not speaking to him and avoiding him. He was talking about how you get to know someone over time and you think you know them. No she was just smarter then I was and got away. So that put him in a bad mood. I was reminded of someone else I know... And of me spending 3 months in fear. Too bad it didn't end there. He bought a candle for his ex-wife and started talking about romance and if that is what I want then he'll give it to me. Well he said a lot more then that I just won't repeat it. He thinks he knows me. I'm not sure I would really say anyone knows me. People see what I want them to... whichever mask I am wearing for that moment. Guess he doesn't realize that I tolerate him out of fear... and because he has power... each day wishing to be free. I'm still wondering how I got to this place... and how I'll get out of it. Some days I think you could write a soap opera about my life.

Heather

Exhaustion

I'm really starting to feel the exhaustion set in. Been a busy week and I really haven't been sleeping. When my day started it was frustrating. I was having trouble getting things done . I was hoping for an easy day tomorrow but it looks like that won't be the case. The good news is that tomorrow is Friday so I can sleep in on Saturday. And there is no way I want to be shopping on Christmas Eve so I'm just going to take it easy and debate what to spend my incentive money on... DVD box sets... or my computer. Decisions, decisions. Tough call actually. And now that I just got sidetracked trying to find the best deals possible... Just chalk it up to the ADD. Too bad with all the deals going on none of them are really good enough to make me want to buy. For now the exhaustion has taken over and I'm heading off to bed.

Song That Has Meaning

Whenever I find myself thinking about my family and the pain caused by years of emotional abuse and neglect I somehow end up listening to the song "Daughter" by Pearl Jam. It only perpetuates the negativity but any ways...

Pearl Jam
"Daughter"

you guys ready...
alone...listless...breakfast table in an otherwise empty room
young girl...violence...center of her own attention
mother reads aloud, child tries to understand it
tries to make her proud
the shades go down, it's in her head
painted room...can't deny there's something wrong...
don't call me daughter, not fit to
the picture kept will remind me
don't call me daughter, not fit to
the picture kept will remind me
don't call me...
she holds the hand that holds her down
she will...rise above...
don't call me daughter, not fit to
the picture kept will remind me
don't call me daughter, not fit to be
the picture kept will remind me
don't call me...
don't call me daughter, not fit to
the picture kept will remind me
don't call me daughter, not fit to be
the picture kept will remind me
don't call me...
the shades go down
the shades go down
the shades go, go, go...

'Tis the Season

Is Christmas over yet? Everyone has been asking if my shopping is done. I hate this time of year. And everyone also wants to know what I am doing for Christmas. Well I am going to be at work for most of the day. And at this rate I am going to want a nice, stiff drink after work. I have no desire to see my family even though my mom is now in Peterborough. I haven't talked to her since Labour Day when I accidentally ran into her. But I really don't want to hear how I am a failure and will never amount to anything. I might see my sister and her husband but I'm not sure I even want that. Why did I like London so much? I didn't feel obligated to see my family. Mind you the amount of alcohol consumed during my time there might also be clouding my judgement. *lol* Some scars are tough to heal... and this time of year always seems to reopen them.

Sadness

Today was a weird day. I didn't get as much done as I would like to. I was only able to listen to one call... an hour and a half later... That was actually draining. Maybe it was the fact it was the first time I wanted to take over the call or hang myself with the phone cable. My own calls were okay, relatively speaking. Aside from the guy that wanted to know if the local Apple store was open and when I told him he'd have to call them back he told me I could "shove it up my a**" So other then him they were okay.

As I was writing my thoughts on Balance (see the post on my other blog http://chaordstudios.blogspot.com) I felt a little sad. 'Tis the season to be melancholy I suppose... at least when you don't want to see your family for the holidays. Or maybe it was the reminder that my life has been primarily chaos. When I think back to my childhood it pains me. I still have trouble getting angry with my parents. For as much as they hurt me there is still a sense of loyalty there. At the same time it has shaped me and my world view is a little skewed. It's also a large part of the reason I am afraid to have children. I do not want to repeat the mistakes of my parents. And now I'll end this with an illustration... a life lesson I wish my parents had learned.

"There was a little boy with a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, to hammer a nail in the back fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence.

Then it gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper.

The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.

You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there. A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one."

Obsession

Maybe it's just me... but if I ever found myself saying to a guy "Every time we have sex you are hammered" I'd think it was time to cut my losses and walk away. What makes that worse is that I just had that conversation but in reverse. That was followed by the offer of sex. No... I am still sober. As bad as that sounds I have no interest in this person, as anyone who knows me is well aware. But I have tried being subtle and I have tried being blunt and nothing sinks in. Neither has the 3 relationships during the time in which he has been obsessing over me. I guess even the fact I have to be drunk for him to take advantage of the situation doesn't even phase him. Some people see only what they want to.

From a legal standpoint someone who is intoxicated cannot give consent. I can drink until I have alcohol poisoning. I stop drinking when the bar closes. Might explain why I don't go out very often these days. I tend to forget these things called limits. There is no sense of reason left. While I may not appear intoxicated and can still hold a conversation I am still not in a position to be thinking clearly, or thinking at all. This is a large part of the reason I have an impending court case. Partially my own stupidity... but guess what... if I say no and pass out... that is not an open invitation. So for those people on the fence about that situation... I did not ask for this. Drugs and alcohol are not a defense on his part.

From a moral standpoint that's just wrong. If someone is drunk, guy or girl, it's just a bad idea all the way around. It it happens once okay fine... mistakes happen... bad call. But if you are looking for them to be drunk so that you can take advantage of the situation... what does that say about you?

What makes the entire conversation even more interesting is that the other day the same person tried to tell me the reason they don't get any dates is because of the nice guys who are out there. The ones he called rapists.... the wolves in sheeps clothing. I made the mistake of saying that I think Mike made a mistake and I don't think he meant for it to happen. This person then said he didn't believe that for an instance. Yet he has no problem with me being drunk so he can try and take advantage of the situation... a predator waiting for his opportunity. Which one is worse?

Looks like another sleepless night for me since I can't get this out of my head now. Just proves to me once again what type of person he really is. *Sigh* Still no way out of this situation. Three years and I still haven't found a way. Time to crawl back into bed and forget this nightmare.

Relaxation

I am finally starting to see some of the old me come back. Today, at work, I was much more relaxed then I had been. I wasn't paranoid and tried my best to avoid talking to certain people. I didn't want anything that would just bring me down. I even got 3 aces done which I did not think was going to happen. One of my agents was having a rough call so I just sat beside her and helped her with the call as much as possible and then stayed to make sure she was okay. That's as important to me as the aces are. What good is it if I am so focused on how the call went that I ignore the fact these are my agents and need help in other ways? Where would I be now if people hadn't taken the time when I needed someone? So overall it was a great day. :o)

Broken Promises

I am my own worst enemy. I know we all have our own demons to face. I made a promise to myself back in April and recently I found myself breaking that promise. I can find 101 justifications for it. I never did like this time of year. It is supposed to be about family and spending time with loved ones. While I am going to see my sister she is about the only family I want to see. It's taken me this long to break the power my parents have... I don't want to give it back. So it's always a lonely time of year. I think that's why the Fibromyalgia always bothers me this time of year as well... the stress and the change in weather. Lately, there has also been a lot of stress brought on by so-called friends and by the whole roommate situation. That has escalated to the point where I barely even want to be home. Things have calmed down a bit now... but it's still getting to me. So what did I do? Went out and bought a knife again. The day I went to work on my day off (yeah which time was that? *lol*) and was helping with the decorations I was wearing a t-shirt and could see all the scars on my arm. The only thing I could thing of was how much hate and anger it took to cut myself. I'm not even sure what is stopping me now. I already broke the promise. Well I do know what is stopping me... I don't want to go back to that. I haven't told anyone since I don't want them to worry about me more then they already do... and I don't want to disappoint them. I do a good enough job of that without adding this into it to. Can I just sleep through the next two weeks... until this year is over?

Good Day

Today was a good day. I finally got caught up on some sleep which was needed. Still battling the flu a bit so I really needed that sleep. I am glad I decided not to make up some hours and go into work. Needed the cash but overall my health is more important!

What made the day even better was the news that Dwayne had a full time job, in Oshawa. That relieves a lot of my stress since it means he has a job. More importantly, it means that he will not be staying here any longer. That sounds kind of harsh but I can only handle him in small doses. And I really didn'ty feel like I had any space at home. Nothing like feeling claustrophobic in your own home. Now if I could just find an actual roommate things would be even better.

I also got word that I should finally be getting my XBox 360 this week... just in time for Christmas. Even though I am not a gamer I am still excited about that. Finally some good news in my world.

And it is almost 2006... 2005 was such a stellar year I can't wait for it to be over. But for now... bed time for me. I have to work in the morning.