Pick Your Battles

My relationsip with my mother has never been good. It has always been a fight. I would probably just cut myself off and have no contact with her since it takes so much energy out of me but at the same time I still want her approval. All I've ever wanted is for her to say, "Job well done" I called her the other day since I wanted to let her know I was going to the hematologist. It became yet another war. That was a few days ago and it still hurts. It made me realize the importance of picking your battles. Some things are just not worth fighting over. Of course, it's really easy to say that and much harder to practice. Why does she still get to me? Why can't I just let go? And , why does she have to fight about the stupidest shit? She still has too much power over me.

Hanging in There

I am still hanging in there.... pretty tired at the moment. I'm not sure if that is from the 6 day stretch at work, being on day shifts, stress, or from not being able to sleep. Probably each one is contributing to that. I get home from work and am just so fatigued... I curl up on the couch until just before I have to go to bed. Being this tired it should be easy to pass out and actually get sleep... but no. I can't seem to shut my brain off. Then I barely get up with enough time to get to work.

I wouldn't say I am really going through mood swings but I do feel somewhat overwhelmed at the moment. I feel like I am getting pulled in every direction. Struggling to get things done at work... facing the fact I have to help another team for the first week next week and wondering how we're going to accomplish that without really making things difficult. Especially since I'll be on vacation later on in the month.

On top of that I have the doctors appointment this week... that means that at some point I am going to have to have the bone marrow biopsy done. That will be three days off work. Hopefully 2 of those days will be my weekend but I have no idea. They will just be giving me a date and a time to be there. It's also likely in Scarbrough.

In terms of the emotions there is definitely a mix and sometimes it's hard to control them... more so when I am at home. Probably because when I am at work I can keep myself busy and not think about it. It shows occasionally with me getting a bit stressed out. There is certainly anger there. Haven't I been through enough shit? There is also bitterness... since this is one more thing in a long life of pain. And, of course, there is also fear and uncertainty. the last month has been a waiting game. And I still have no idea how serious it is... and if I should be concerned right now. I also feel pretty isolated right now.

So I'm hanging in there right now... but I can definitely say it sucks at the moment.

What is This Life For?

The last month or so has been quite the journey and is still far from over. Some days I wonder what this life is for and those times I usually feel like giving in. No I'm not talking about suicide. I am just sick of fighting circumstance. It's funny that I was talking about life a decade ago... since it dawned on me today that right now I feel about like I did back then. It's like I am surrounded by darkness from which there is no escape. I am control freak by nature and this is something I can't control... much like I couldn't control the abuse in the past. So I am left feeling hopeless and discouraged at the moment. I really think I am in the anger phase between denial and acceptance. I was in denial for 2 years and it's been replaced by anger. Why me? Can't anything go right? My life was fucked up before... I didn't need this too.

At least I am able to leave it at home, for the most part, and don't bring the pain and anger with me to work. Obviously I can't completely forget about it but I can focus on the job and push it out of my mind for 8.5 hours. Now if only I could shut my mind off at night as well.

Love

I was reminiscing today about days gone by. I've got way too much time to think now.. nothing but me and Azrael.... Part me of is still in love with Adam. Before people get concerned... I am not in some fantasyland not moving on with my life. I am grounded in reality, or at least I have some idea as to what reality is. But part of me still loves him... and maybe I always will. I'm not sure why I feel that way. Maybe it's because I remember what things were like in the beginning... before we became the old married couple that fought all the time. Or maybe it's because I have guilt complex and still blame myself for it's demise.. Or perhaps it was because it was the one and only time that I ever let myself be vulernable and actually give a damn about someone else. It's tough letting go of that. I'm not idealizing the relationship. I know there were flaws in it... nothing is ever perfect. Like Adam not getting over me getting plastered and calling him a typical male.... or me moving in and it always felt like it was his place and I just lived there.... or the fact that by the end I was so tired that I was a complete bitch. Maybe if we hated each other things would be different. Now we just have a fucked up relationship. Hmm... I have no idea what the hell a normal relationship is *lol*

The Trust Continuum

I suppose I am back to drawing on my psychology background. I was thinking about the contrast between Val and me. A healthy relationship includes setting boundaries. Some things you just don't share... and you don't tell everyone. At the other end of the continuum are the people that cut themselves off and trust no one. That one is just as unhealthy. You have to be able to trust people. No man is an island.

Since I am back to stealing from a web site... Boundaries are the limits that allow for safe connections between individuals. A boundary is that defining space which clarifies "you" and "me." Our understandings of what are acceptable boundaries grow out of our family of origin. A healthy boundary allows an individual to relate with genuineness to others. Persons with healthy boundaries know how to provide for their own personal privacy and safety. Appropriate intimacy and the achievement of trust is possible in relationships because there is no fear of losing "self" in establishing connections with others.

Persons with unclear boundaries establish the "locus of control" outside themselves. They allow others to define who they are, what they think, where they go. Intimacy for this individual can easily lead to abuse if those with whom they relate prove untrustworthy.

Persons with rigid boundaries are generally distant, unconnected, and lonely. These individuals have found "safety" through rejecting connections with others. Frequently these responses are a result of past abuse or emotional trauma. Intimacy and trust seem beyond reach.

I know I push people away. I am afraid to actually get close to someone for fear of being hurt. Fear of rejection and the fear of it being used against me... as it had been on numerous occassions. My motto was "Trust no one... that way you don't get hurt." There is a lot of truth to that... but it's also a world of isolation. Intimacy... what the fuck is that? Why did I cheat? The same reason I got in bad relationships... so that I had an excuse not to trust them. It allowed me to push them away. With Adam it was the only time I ever allowed myself to give a damn... to trust someone... and be vulnerable. That's probably also why it hurt so much when it ended... and why I still have mixed emotions whenever I think of him.

I know there are a few reasons for my lack of trust. The first reason stems from the abuse and keeping the family secret. When I did open up about it then it became a fight with my parents. Then there were my "so-called" friends... who betrayed that trust. Eventually I just didn't want to take the chance of being vulnerable. Now, I think the biggest reason that I don't trust anyone is because I have devalued myself to the point where I don't think I am worth anyone else's time. And I have trouble asking for help. I'm not saying I don't need help... I just don't admit to it... or ask for the help. I rely only on myself.

What is Trust?

Trust is both and emotional and logical act. Emotionally, it is where you expose your vulnerabilities to people, but believing they will not take advantage of your openness. Logically, it is where you have assessed the probabilities of gain and loss, calculating expected utility based on hard performance data, and concluded that the person in question will behave in a predictable manner. In practice, trust is a bit of both. I trust you because I have experienced your trustworthiness and because I have faith in human nature.

We feel trust. Emotions associated with trust include companionship, friendship, love, agreement, relaxation, comfort.

When we trust other people, we may not only be giving them something in hope of getting something else back in the future, we may also be exposing ourselves in a way that they can take advantage of our vulnerabilities. If I buy a car from you and I do not know a good price, you can lie to me so you get a better bargain. If I tell you in confidence about the problems I am having with work, you could use this to further your own career at my expense.

Although the threat of retribution or projected feelings of guilt can counteract your temptation to abuse my exposed vulnerabilities, if you succumb I still get hurt and may still end up with the shorter stick. For our transaction to complete successfully, I must be able to trust that such agonies will not come to pass.

Definition: Trust means enabling other people to take advantage of your vulnerabilities—but expecting that they will not do this.

Definition of Trust

Trust is defined as:

NOUN:

1. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.
2. Custody; care.
3. Something committed into the care of another; charge.
4. 1. The condition and resulting obligation of having confidence placed in one: violated a public trust.
   2. One in which confidence is placed.
5. Reliance on something in the future; hope.
6. Reliance on the intention and ability of a purchaser to pay in the future; credit.
7. Law
   1. A legal title to property held by one party for the benefit of another.
   2. The confidence reposed in a trustee when giving the trustee legal title to property to administer for another, together with the trustee's obligation regarding that property and the beneficiary.
   3. The property so held.
8. A combination of firms or corporations for the purpose of reducing competition and controlling prices throughout a business or an industry.

VERB:
trust·ed , trust·ing , trusts
VERB:
intr.

1. To have or place reliance; depend: Trust in the Lord. Trust to destiny.
2. To be confident; hope.
3. To sell on credit.

VERB:
tr.

1. To have or place confidence in; depend on.
2. To expect with assurance; assume: I trust that you will be on time.
3. To believe: I trust what you say.
4. To place in the care of another; entrust.
5. To grant discretion to confidently: Can I trust them with the boat?
6. To extend credit to.

History of Violence

All I know is violence. I have never known peace. I will never know peace.

Stalker Steve

People always ask how things with Steve ever got to where they are today... and why I still accept rides from him. To answer that question I would have to go back to January of 2003. I had moved to Peterborough. I didn't know anyone. I just started working at Minacs. I was also staying on someone's couch. I was basically homeless for the second time in 4 months. When I was out in the smoking area I would talk to everyone. It's who I am... or at least who I was.... I can still remember the day my life changed. I was out grocery shopping and I ran into Steve out with his son. I stopped to talk, thinking nothing of it. He invited me out to dinner at some point. I thought it was just a friendly invitation (Have I mentioned how naive I can be?) so I figured why not. I started school and then was only working 3 days a week. Steve would always be there... I really should've got the hint... It took me about 6 months to realize it was more then just him being friendly. Especially when he started showing up randomly.

The problem is that I have seen his anger and I did not (and still don't) want to cross it. By the time I actually realized that he wanted more then friendship I was already between a rock and a hard place. I had no idea how to tell him I wasn't interested without potentially making him angry. Since then I have tried being subtle, tried being blunt, and been in three relationships but he hasn't got the hint. That obsession has now lasted for 3.5 years with no end in sight. He would follow me to the bar and didn't get the hint when I picked up in front of him and left with someone else.

In November of 2003 I started dating Jamie. I thought maybe then Steve would back off and take the hint. I was wrong. He didn't think the relationship would last so he continued to hit on me and just show up at the house. He also knew exactly what buttons to push and used that against me... He has always preyed on my weaknesses and my pain to his advantage.

Then I met Adam... I was with him for over a year. And while Steve didn't hit on me (he knew better) he was still right there... every time I went to work... if I went to the bar after work with Adam he would just show up. People dubbed him stalker Steve and wouldn't tell him where I was. They just ignored his presence. He definitely was persistent. And then his dream came true... I was single again. I was also in rough shape. Adam went psychotic... I wasn't sleeping... and was fucked in the head. Things were basically spiralling out of control.... And I needed to find somewhere to live. I was able to get an apartment in Times Square and then my roommate bailed on me. So I was out of time and desperate. Steve stepped in to bail me out... and agreed to put his name on the lease. At the time it wasn't a problem because I had found a new roommate. But now I was indebted to him and he knew , especially since in the process I ended up owing him money. By this point I had also given up on the possibility that he would take the hint and leave me alone. Nothing I could do or say would convince him that I was not interested.... since even 2 relationships hadn't done the trick.

He did end up using my debt against him. He knew that I absolutely hated being in debt to someone. It just reinforced what my parents had said... so if I owed someone money it gave them power over me. He ended up using that power to get me to have sex with him. Which, of course, made things 10x worse. Now he's really delusional and thinks I want him... which I don't. I think he's a predator...

Just before Tristan and I broke up Jarratt moved out. Steve saw it as the perfect opportunity to continue on with his fantasy and ability to control me. He moved in since his name was on the lease... and said he'd only be there for a month or so... until we could find a roommate. Tristan hated him with a passion. He saw him as a creep but I think there was also an element of jealousy, or perhaps insecurity. I tolerated him because in three years I still hadn't found a way to get rid of him. It was a sore point between us... but I couldn't kick Steve out. Steve is not the reason we broke up... but he is the primary reason we did not get back together. Tristan could not get past the fact I had slept with Steve... even though I didn't want to. And Steve wanted to make sure I didn't end up in another relationship.

It got to the point where I couldn't even leave the apartment. I was scared to go to the bar. I figured either he would follow me there or he would just wait until I was drunk and take advantage of me. When I drink I tend to forget those things called limits... and it gets me into trouble. I have no conscious thoughts and definitely am in no position to give consent. I'll remember everything that happens... but at the time my thought process is basically non existent. And considering I have a tendency to have alcohol poisoning... That was a bit of a tangent... but it has happened twice now (not including the three I've mentioned previously) including by Steve. I was trapped. And he was always there.

Just before my LOA I was at the end of my rope. I knew he was the reason why Tristan and I weren't together. I was feeling trapped. I preferred to be at work then at home. I wanted him the hell out of my apartment but he had turned it into a storage unit and I was afraid to let anyone else see it. I couldn't take it. Truth be told he was the reason I wanted to go back to the self-injury... which is the main reason I ended up on the LOA. The funny part is that he never even realized that he was the reason for it.

So that was how it started... and why do I still accept rides from him and tolerate him? Because I can't get rid of him as it is. So I might as well make use of him. Anyone that has seen what it's like has agreed with my assessment. Adam wants me to stay away from him as much as possible but also believes that he is dangerous and that I should be careful.

I never said my life was normal... Seems to be more of a soap opera. I wish I knew a way to get him to leave me alone... I really do. Moving has helped... so has the shifts I am on... but I still can't completely get away from him. I'm starting to think I would have to move far away to be free of him. I'm not even sure a ring on my finger would do the trick. I supposed there is one other option... but I don't think so.

From the Beginning

I was born 9 weeks early on November 20th, 1978 in Cobourg, Ontario. I was rushed to Peterborough General Hospital with respiratory distress. At that time it was remrkable I even survived. My mom was 16 years old and gave me up for adoption.

Okay so this is not a chronicle of my life history and I won't start that far back. People that know me now probably wouldn't have had the same opinion of me a decade ago. Hard to believe it's been that long. I know that everyone goes through a time of teenage angst and rebellion. I didn't care if I lived or died. You tend to be kind of reckless with that attitude. All I knew was pain, anger, bitterness and even hate. I would head into situations I knew were bad. And sure enough I got burned, which just perpetuated the cycle. I wasn't even sure I'd make it to university. I thought I'd be dead first. A tragic end to a tragic life.

But there were some contradictions in my world. See, from the time I was little, I had to go to church every Sunday. When I was in high school I was also involved in Youth for Christ. I still went to church although it was a different church then my parents. I was a leader in the youth group. I think it was the only stable thing I had going... and probably kept me alive.

For as angry as I was I am surprised I didn't turn to alcohol, drugs or even smoking. Some people who know me now might be a little shocked by that. I didn't start smoking until I was 18 and my dad and sister accused me of lying about smoking. Been a smoker off and on ever since. The longest I've been able to quit for is 6 months. I also started drinking when I was 18. That was a bad year for me. I don't think I tried drugs until I was 20. Even then it's not something I've done very often. So I may have been angry but I didn't rebel as much as one might expect.

Mind you I did find ways to self destruct. In an attempt to deal with it I turned to cutting. It was all controlled and ritualistic. The cuts were basically deep enough to draw blood and then I'd stop. Once there was physical pain your body reacts. It's called self preservation. But it also allows you to become numb emotionally. And it is a little too effective. I lost a lot of friends over it. Whenever I was feeling overwhelmed it was a quick way to calm down. So I used it for over a decade... until it was almost out of control. I was cutting deeper and more often to get the same results. When I scared someone that was really close to me I promised her I would quit. And I did... for 3 years. Now that is actually impressive since I had no other coping mechanisms to replace it with. It wasn't until Adam went psychotic and I was concerned for my own safety that I went back to it. Val knew about it and tried to control the behaviour. That only made it worse. I stopped again but it wasn't for me... it was for her.

My relationships were also on the reckless side. Until I moved to Peterborough and vowed not to be in a relationship I pretty much cheated on everyone, except Al. I ended up in some really bad relationships as well. I didn't value myself at all. The irony is that I still held to the Christian values that premarital sex was a sin. Even though I was pressured I didn't give in. As it turns out I might as well have. Instead, at the age of 13 I was raped by a guy I knew from church. I was still innocent. I believed everyone was good and that this wouldn't happen. It probably took a decade before I didn't want to be drunk on the anniversary, or use self-injury to escape. 5 years later I set myself up again. When you don't drink... downing Crown Royal straight is not the smartest plan. I had no tolerance for alcohol and just set myself up to repeat the experience, which is exactly what happened. It was much easier to blame myself. I knew I shouldn't have gone. I knew I shouldn't have been drinking. So I blamed myself for what happened. So my first two sexual encounters both had elements of violence. After that it didn't matter. Sex had no value or meaning to me. I used it to feel better about myself... to escape the loneliness and the pain. But typically they were just one night stands. I felt nothing... just more emptiness. I would simply dissociate and then move on to the next person.

Even when I moved to Peterborough I still had the same attitude. I didn't give a damn about myself and nothing mattered. I didn't want a relationship... so that I didn't have to cheat or even care about someone else. I was jaded and figured I would just get hurt in the long run. I would go to the bar, get drunk and pick someone up. High risk behaviour... it's like playing Russian Roulette. Then Jamie came long. He was such a sweetheart. I didn't think I deserved him... so I crushed him... Well actually I broke up with him for Adam. Aside from Al that was an innocent high school love Adam was the only other person I ever loved. He still tries to get me to believe in myself... I'm not sure how successful that is though.

I have definitely toned down the risky behaviour although for a little while after Adam and I separated I didn't learn not to pick up guys from work. That break up hurt deeply and, once again, I wanted to feel needed. So I was back to the meaningless one night stands. Then there was Adam's birthday... Or should I say the day before Adam's birthday. That night will definitely not be forgotten. Lori was dropping me off downtown and invited me to stop by Sin City to say hi. I had lost friends when Adam and I broke up. What I had forgotten was that it was Adam's birthday and he would be there celebrating. Now Adam I don't mind... there were other people that I wasn't crazy about seeing... I left pretty quickly and went down to Riley's for Shaun's birthday. I should probably back up here a moment. For one, I had an interest in one of the guys at work and was thinking about a relationship with him. The other point was that the nesting agents were surrounding me at work. I wasn't helping that group but I had talked to a number of them. Mike was at Riley's and was drunk by the time I got there. He had to work the next day so I invited him over to my place so that he wouldn't be fired... he was on a last chance agreement at the time. Part of me was also hoping to get laid. They decided to get high and head down to the strippers. But Mike said he mgiht stop by afterwards... So then I located all the agents that had just finished nesting and kept drinking. Pretty soon they decided to head elsewhere. So we went down to the White House. And this was where things got interesting. When we got there Tristan didn't have any money so I offered to buy him a drink. It wasn't a big deal to me. Tristan was good looking and younger so when we spent the rest of the night talking that was a good thing to me. Even got out on the dance floor. Mike was committment phobic and Tristan was the opposite. He invited me back to his place and, looking back, I wish I had taken him up on that offer. I turned him down since I had already agreed to let Mike sty t my place... and I was pretty loaded by that point. So I walked home. Jarratt, John and a few other people showed up shortly after that. then Mike did show up... he almost started a fight. I was planning to make him sleep on the couch but John was there. I was ready to pass out but he ended up sharing my bed. And one thing led to another... but as I sobered up a bit I realized that he wasn't the one I wanted to be with and felt guilty. The room was also starting to spin so I stopped. He got angry so I left the room. When I came back I thought he was asleep so I went to bed and passed out. I was wrong. Or if he was asleep he woke up again. I don't want to relive that night so I won't fill in the details... but it ended with me kicking him out and a long, cold walk to the police station at 5:30 a.m.

Looking back there are a lot of "what ifs". What if Tristan hadn't been there that night? What if I hadn't invited Mike back? What if I had've gone back to Tristan's? What if... what if... what if... I know there is no point asking those questions because it won't change anything. I can't go back in time and change what happened. But I still can't help wondering. Then there is the debate as to whether or not I should've pressed charges. People like telling me it was the right thing to do. That's easy for them to say... it didn't happen to them. They aren't the ones that had to go through a police interview... then come back to the apartment still hung over and watch the police take pictures and evidence... and then there was the 5 hour examination at the hospital... oh and then a videotaped interview. It took 10 hours before I came back home... and was so exhausted that I just crashed. It was a gruelling ordeal and one, like every other time, I just wanted to forget. But it wasn't just reliving the event that was painful. At work I was a huge target. There seemed to be people that wanted me gone and had made that their mission. There was a rumour that I was a "lying bitch who had him charged out of spite." It made it extremely difficult to go to work. When I went on my LOA there was even a poll as to the reason I was of work... and the rape had the most votes. Now the fact they even had that poll is pretty bad. The charges ended up being withdrawn but that doesn't make it any easier. He was down in the maze the other day visiting people and a shock went through my system.

So some things never seem to change. The worst part about that whole situation (back to the "what ifs") is that Tristan and I are no longer together. After a month and a half we broke up. The reason for that is probably left for another discussion. So, in the end did it even matter? Does anything matter?

I'm not the same person I was a decade ago... I suppose no one is. I thought the world owed me something. I had a huge chip on my shoulder and was filled with anger. I was heading for disaster.... I'm not even sure what happened that changed that. I suspect that the biggest change came when my parents moved across the country. I was suddenly independant and they had no power over me. The second biggest event was when I actually graduated from university. For the first time I could say "I told you so." I had accomplished something. It could also be that I have just accepted my fate. But I have definitely changed, for the better. Some of it comes with age... some with experience.... and some with the acceptance that bad things are a part of life.

Hmm... now I can't even remember why I started this. I would do really well with Freud's concept of free association where you just start with whatever is going on in the mind. It's a good example of my mind being the tortured soul. It's like there is a wall in front me and I can't get past it. Things have gotten better, no question, but there are still some things I have not gotten past. And some days I question whether or not I ever will.

It's been a long time since I've actually done this much soul searching. Even on my LOA it was more about anger over being forced off work and things with the roommate... it wasn't about truth... pain... life. And since I came back to work I have had other things to occupy my time. But I always was a thinker.... one of my downfalls actually. I analyze every thing I do and spend way too much time thinking about things. It's probably the other reason I have trouble letting go. I spend too much time dwelling on it. But it's part of who I am. And I doubt it will ever change.

Demons

They say there is a defining moment in your life. Well that is what the movies say any ways. Now I wouldn't actually say that this is the defining moment... but it definitely has led to reflection. I never thought I'd live to see 25 so I did make it further then expected.

Right now there is a wide range of emotions. In the last few days I think I have come face to face with every personal demon... every skeleton in the closet. Well, it really started a month ago when I went to the doctor. But the emotional turmoil has been stronger in the last few days.

I've spent my entire life pushing people away, not trusting them... and refusing to allow anyone close to me. So now I feel really alone and isolated. I am not close to my family and have no support system. So now I feel like I am all alone with a huge weight on my shoulders. The uncertainty... the questions.... the number of times I have cheated death.... But it's not just my own mortality that I seem to be facing.

There is also pain and a sense of loss... not just from my home life... but from those times when I was a victim. Part of me still wants to blame myself... and then part of me does recognize that it was not my fault. It's so much easier to blame yourself... then it is to admit that the world is not a safe place... and that you can be a victim. I've always had the attitude that I am a survivor and I don't want to see myself as a victim... Back to the idea that I have to be so strong so I can't see myself as a victim. To me that's weakness.

Along with that also goes a sense of anger. Anger at the people that have taken advantage of me... including my parents.... After all they shaped my world view and how I see myself. They damaged my sense of self-worth and lied to me. But also anger at the people that victimized me and stripped me of my power.

I've spent years feeling nothing... blaming myself. So it's very tough for me to feel these emotions and try to come to terms with them. Some of these things clash with my beliefs. Somehow I have to be able to accept the fact I am not going to be strong all the time and that is okay. More importantly I have to face the fact that I was a victim. This does not mean that my identity is that of a victim but I can't get past that... to me I'd be admitting to a victim personality. A victim of circumstance... saying "Poor me" but that is not who I am. Lastly, I have to admit to myself that my parents were not the idealized people that I thought they were.

As I said before I never thought I'd see 25. I figured I'd be dead because of suicide, an OD, or something else. I never really valued my life. It's always been so full of pain that I didn't care if I lived or died. So here I am... Before someone says I am a hypochondriac or am being dramatic I don't believe I am dying. But if it is serious then I have to decide whether to stand and fight... or just lay down. It's easy for me to say I'll fight... but what the hell am I fighting for? More pain and hurt. Is it really worth fighting for?

It's one of those moments when I really recognize the pain.... the depths of the hurt... my own humanity. Basically the inner turmoil. And as Nietzsche said "He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." But how do you face those demons? How do you change your entire belief system and world view when it's all you know? How do you let go of pain and move on when that is all you know?

These are not easy questions to answer... for me any ways. When all you know is pain it becomes a comfort zone and you end up afraid of happiness. It also means facing all those emotions that I was unable to, or refused to before. For someone that has difficulty with emotions that is a daunting task. You're asking me to feel fear... to feel the pain... to feel the
rage... and to grieve the losses. And to do so without going back to some self destructive way of avoidance. I don't think I can do that. I know I need to.... but I'm scared to do it.

When everything is stripped away what is left? This is not the first time I have wrestled with that question... Of wondering who I am underneath that. My identity has been shaped by the events of the past and the negativity that stems from it. I created a cold, tough exterior for self-preservation. I refused to allow myself to feel anything to protect myself from the abuse. The long lasting effects. So if you take all that away what is underneath? Who am I?

Vices

As soon as it was confirmed that I would have to see the hematologist I suddenly was craving a smoke. I know the motivation was to calm myself down but it was also because I don't have any good coping mechanisms. So I end up stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am suddenly filled with emotion and don't know what to do with. Then it just builds and sometimes I will become a pressure cooker. But I don't really want to go back to smoking. For one, smoking decreases your white blood cell count. Secondly, I really dont want to go back to that. I don't want to go back to drinking either. I have no desire to have a drink... or maybe it's the seizures that come with going overboard *lol*

The problem is that I am left with one vice that I am really battling now. I don't like this feeling of helplessness and the uncertainty. I have such mixed emotions that I want to go back to being numb. But to do that... or at least to give into that vice... would leave people really upset. I'm not even sure that recovery is even about me. I wonder if I stopped because of the stigma and the opinions of other people. Now self-injury is not a good thing... but at the same time I want to be able to cope however I deem necessary. Or I would at least like to be the one making the choice not to give into it. Right now I don't feel like it is my choice at all. Maybe that is why it is tempting me. It is very much an internal struggle right now. I'm alone... isolated... virtually no support system... and I want to feel nothing. So I will continue to battle through it but I don't see it going any way... since I have 2 weeks until the hematologist and even then I won't have answers immediately. What am I supposed to do? How do I get through this?

My Reality

So Steve is whining about his current financial state. Everyone I know is currently struggling financially. And if he really wanted to cut down on his debt then he would just sell some of his shit so that a) he might make some money and b) he wouldn't have to pay so much for storage fees. So forgive me if I am not all that sympathetic. I think there is a bit of a war brewing. I think he resents the fact he was paying rent at Times Square for 6 months since it did put him behind. But had he not moved in I would've had an easier time finding a roommate. He seems to want to guilt trip me though. He also seemed angry that I wasn't going to talk to him for three days. I'm on my weekend. The last thing I want to do is spend time with him. I just want to hide and not talk to anyone... well almost anyone. I will make certain exceptions to that. I have no reason to talk to him.

Then there is my reality. The first set of tests were done in February and were repeated a week later. Then 3 months later the tests were done again. Each time they have come up abnormal. I am still assuming low but on Monday I can confirm that. Having said that, I have to prepare myself for any possibility. It could be something fairly minor or something more serious. I even have to prepare myself for the possibility of a death sentence. I don't think it is that serious... but I still have to prepare myself for it.

So let me think about that.... should I feel bad for someone that lives at home, pays no rent but is still struggling financially? I've got my own shit to deal with.

NIN - Hurt

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feeling disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end

you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Helpless

These days I feel more and more like an invalid. I am constantly feeling light headed and weak. I get home and just want to go to bed. I watch TV and am up until midnight or so but I never really feel good. It's an awful feeling. The sad fact is that my favourite part of the day is when I can go to bed since that is the only time I don't hurt and don't feel sick. Not that I am actually feeling suicidal but I can't help wondering about the value of life. Every waking moment is brutal. I get up in time to go to work and start dry heaving. That feeling of nausea continues throughout the day... mind you that one is likely just stress induced. My jaw hurts. I feel light headed and dizzy. And I still pretend that everything is fine. It's taking a huge toll on me, especially with the uncertainty.

On my days off I sleep for about 12 hours and am still exhausted. Even when I am home at night I barely move. I don't have the energy to troubleshoot my computer. I can barely even move off the couch. I'm barely eating at this point either. That's partially because I am on day shifts... and partially because I feel dizzy as soon as I stand. Steve has to come over periodically to do the dishes for me and take out the trash. He also takes me grocery shopping. For someone that is used to being fairly active I feel pretty helpless right now. :o(

Therapy

The inevitable question when people found out about my past is whether or not I've been in therapy for it. Not everyone asks it... but a few people think it. So to answer that question... yes... and no. When I was in high school I was forced to see the school board counsellor on account of the self-injury. They were concerned I might kill myself. I just lied to her on a weekly basis about how things were going. And after a semester moved home again. Even before that I did go see an art therapist. That was decent. Throwing clay at the wall is very therapeutic. The downside was when my parents decided to send my sister along. I made the mistake of thinking confidentiality actually applied and for the first time admitted there was abuse. Should have been a positive thing... that is until my sister told my parents. Then it became a nightmare. And that was the end of therapy. After being date raped when I was 18 I was back to therapy briefly. Then my dad decided I really didn't need it and stopped paying. Since I was unemployed that was the end of that. And the only other time I've gone is when Adam went psychotic and I was concerned. That wasn't terribly useful... and I haven't been back. Well okay with my LOA I got forced to see a psychiatrist but that wasn't really therapy... that was prescribed drugs. Maybe someday I will... but I doubt it

Shattered Beliefs

When you grow up in a household of neglect and abuse it really shakes your foundation. For one, you grow up believing that your parents would never lie to you. They are idealized and we see them as being perfect. In far too many instances that isn't true though. Every type of abuse also includes an emotional component. But the abuse shapes your identity.

After being told I was worthless and a whole variety of other things I really withdrew. I didn't want other people to know about the abuse and I didn't value myself at all. I tried to be invisible. I also learned to be completely numb and not to trust anyone. Every time I trusted someone I just got hurt. And those scars never go away. I still carry that with me. I can't bring myself to ask someone for help because I absolutely do not value myself and devalue myself.

I went to school for psychology because I knew I could relate and didn't want other people to go through what I did and be left questioning it like I was. But that was not to be the career path I ended up on. Maybe a good thing since I still have not dealt with that issue

Every time I think about it and how my parents lied I have mixed emotions. My parents always denied there was any abuse. So it's tough to admit that it wasn't right and there really was abuse going on. It's easy to justify the behaviour on account of depression or what not. Like most abused kids there is also guilt. We blame ourselves for everything. But there is also sadness for the stolen childhood and the pain that was caused. Not only that but there is also a certain amount of anger as well. They fucked up my life, shaped my life, and I always feel like I will never be free. But every time I get angry I always end up reminding myself that I am the one that shaped my destiny, not them... and it was my decisions. So to a certain degree I blame myself for the effects it has had. As a reuslt I never end up confronting those demons and have never allowed myself the chance to grieve, to feel that sense of loss and move on with my life and freedom.

The conflicted emotions just make it more difficult to deal with. Especially for someone that wants to be numb and not feel anything. I also don't feel I am strong enough to move past that on my own. I suppose that's not really a surprise since I know there is a great deal of pain. I can see it in my eyes. I'm also not sure I want anyone to see me actually feel those emotions. Aside from Adam it might be a difficult thing for anyone that knows me... and knows that I do not cry. I'm also raised with the question of forgiveness. Since I was raised going to church every Sunday I know that I should forgive them. Believe me that's a hard concept for me. They lied to me. They hurt me deeply. And now I feel like I have to forgive them in order to be free. Christian ideals in conflict with deep seeded pain. Not sure which one will win there.

Things I've Learned

Talk about life lessons. Some hard truths and some shaped by the life I've had.

1. A kind word is quickly forgotten. An unkind word is remembered much longer, sometimes even for a lifetime.
2. Trusting someone is costly. You have to be vulnerable and trust they won't break that trust. Once trust is gone it's very difficult to get that back.
3. Judge and jury... society can definitely judge you, even for your way of coping.
4. Labels are not a good thing. When a behaviour is labelled then we start shaping our view of that person around that label.
5. "Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge him. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them." (Oscar Wilde) As a child you believe everything your parents say and do not question it. When you learn it's not true it really shatters your belief system.
6. Feel nothing... and do not show emotion.
7. As much as we may want to live with no regrets it is next to impossible to forget the past and leave it in the past.
8. Insanity is simply a deviation of the norm... and who wanted to be normal any ways?
9. "Tears are the silent language of grief." (Voltaire)
10. Bad things will always happen. It is an unavoidable fact of life.

I'm not sure I really want to comment on these life lessons.... since it is a tough thing for me. I don't trust anyone. I am extremely guarded and do not let anyone close enough to actually know me. I think that's why Adam and I got along so well... we both had trust issues.

I'm not sure I will get get over the comments from my youth... and the neglect. I was called a bitch, slut, and many other terms and was told repeatedly that I would never amount to anything. I carry that with me... and may for my entire life. It's very difficult to reconcile that idealized image we have for our parents... and the truth that those were lies. It's easier to blame myself. Then I can maintain that image.

Home is also where I learned not to show emotion... and more importantly, not to feel anything. I prefer to be numb and when faced with emotion then I am definitely out of my comfort zone. I had to be tough. My sister was more emotional and, as a result, she got picked on more at home. I fought back so I avoided more of the abuse.

In spite of the fact I went into psychology I have learned that labels are not always a good thing. I believe that ADHD is over-diagnosed and is creating a generation of kids that are known by their label more then by who they really are. I was given the label of depression when I began my LOA and then all the behaviours were just attributed to the depression.

I'm sure that everyone learns the lesson, fairly early on, that life is not fair and that bad things are always going to happen. With the instability in my home life I was prone to risk taking behaviours and destined to go through some rough times. When I was in high school I was a ghost.... I tried to be invisible. But I was also seeking the love and attention that I didn't get at home. By the time I finished high school I had an ex that was emotionally abusive and one that was physically abusive. On top of that I was date raped, not once but twice in that time. I'm beginning to wonder if I have a sign over my head that says "Perfect victim" since I have been raped 4 more times since I moved to Peterborough. And the only time I pressed charges I sure as hell didn't get any justice. Now I'll be honest... 4 of them were related to alcohol. But that doesn't make it right. And two of them in Peterborough were from the same person. Once involved alcohol and once did not. There will always be an association between sex and violence. So I know full well that bad things happen. Now I just isolate myself and barely leave the house... It's a lot less eventful... aside from the arson in the apartment building.

Lastly... society is very quick to stigmatize certain behaviours and you get judged heavily for them. My orange and white bracelet is a reminder of that. Somewhere along the way I learned that pain was a good way to control emotion and bring about a balance... not in the sadomasochistic way either. Yes I engaged in self injury. I would purposely cut myself until it bled so that I wouldn't feel the overwhelming emotional pain. This one I could control. And I never cut myself that deeply. It was all controlled. I've been told it's attention seeking. I've also been told it's manipulative, meanwhile I try and hide it from everyone. I have been severely judged by other people. And those that do know about it try and control the behaviour which ends up making it worse. The irony is that I can drink myself to death and society would accept it. I could also become anorexic again and it would be more acceptable. Yes I have stopped... but I'm not so sure it's because I wanted to... or because other people wanted me to. Let me cope in whatever way I need to. Until you've walked a mile in my shoes... you cannot fully understand what it's like. Before you want to tell me that there are risks involved... there are risks involved just leaving your house. You could get in an accident. I'm not saying it's not destructive because I know it is but sometimes it's about survival and you do what you have to just to get by.

These lessons have been hard. Life is a number of lessons and often times they are not easy. Not all of those lessons should be true and unfortunatly some of it I will never get over. There was too high a cost in learning those lessons.

Fight or Flight

I'm at a crossroads right now. Time to stand and fight or lay down and accept my fate. Ordinarily I would not even consider anything other then fighting. But I am really tired of fighting. I am worn out and this has been an ongoing struggle. Between chronic pain and extreme fatigue... I don't want to deal with it any more. So maybe I should just accept my fate and give up. Okay so I am just discouraged at the moment... but it has been a long fight. A fight I just want to end.

Unreliability

Some people you just can't rely on... Steve said that he would be here today so that I could send back my hard drive, mail a letter and pick up Coke since I am completely out. I got home at 6:30 and since I didn't know when he'd be here I didn't want to start doing something and then have him show up. Now it's 8:30 so he would've dropped Andrew off a while ago and there is no sign of him. For the rest of the week he'll be working nights so I won't be able to have him take me down to Shoppers to get it. The only good news is that Norm brought in a 12-pack of Coke to work so for now I am okay... as long as I don't want any at home any ways. And now that my evening is half over what should I do?

Nobody's Home - Avril Lavigne

I couldnt tell you
Why she felt that way
She felt it everyday
And I couldnt help her
I just watched her make
The same mistakes again

Whats wrong, whats wrong, now
Too many, too many problems
Dont know where she belongs
Where she belongs

[Chorus]
She wants to go home
But nobody's home
Its where she lies
Broken inside

With no place to go
No place to go
To dry her eyes
Broken inside

Open your eyes
And look outside
Find the reasons why
You've been rejected
And now you cant find
What you've left behind

Be strong, be strong now
Too many, too many problems
Dont know where she belongs
Where she belongs

[Chorus]

Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she cant find
She's losing her mind
She's fallen behind
She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's fallen from grace
She's all over the place

[Chorus}

She's lost inside
Lost inside

Retreat

I thought I'd retreat back to the inner sanctum... where people don't know it exists so I can be utterly and completely honest and not have to worry about offending someone. It's my refuge.

I must admit that I am kind of nervous about giving Pat the link to the public blog. I'm not sure why. I guess because I don't like people knowing that much about my life. I'm always worried about what they will think.

It's not like I didn't reveal some hard truths about myself either... the abuse I went through... the self-injury.... the fear.... and the date rape. All things I have a really tough time tlking about.

I was thinking about that today and wondering if it is a trust issue or if I don't think I am worth someone else's time. More likely it's a combination of both. I don't trust people... and am afraid that my eyes will reveal just how much pain there really is. I really don't value myself either. But then years of being told you're never going to amount to anything and being told you're worthless... just might have something to do with that.

Some days are better then others.... today is not one of those days. For whatever reason today I feel all of the pain and anguish. I know I should just let go and move on but it's not that easy. I'm scared of trying to actually deal with it. I know the potential is there to go back to the self-injury to try and cope with the overwhelming emotions that are bound to follow. There are few people that I would even trust to see me through it... That would be the ultimate in trust since to deal with it pretty much means I have to go to hell and back... relive it... and acknowledge that there was nothing I could do.

I am currently reminded of the line from "Good Will Hunting" where Sean says "It's not your fault" over and over. It's much easier for me to blame myself and use that to reinforce my low self worth. I also believe in an internal locus of control. So for me to admit that it wasn't my fault also means accepting the fact that I can't control everything.