Adding Fuel to the Fire

With me being off work Steve has left me alone a lot more... But he is still getting on my nerves. SS really does love adding fuel to the fire. He seems to want me to be constantly frustrated and angry. He knows all the buttons to push too so I fall into the trap. But if I go back angry and frustrated then I'll be right where I started from. The best thing I can do is make the most of my time off... rest... relax... work on Chaord Studios... maybe even go out to BC for a vacation. That way when I do come back I'll be in the right mindframe. I'm still battling the fatigue and some rest would definitely be nice.

Steve seems to see the whole thing as a malicious conspiracy from work. I don't think it was intended to be that way. My frustration really started with the doctor and the fact he doesn't believe fibromyalgia is real. That meant that I didn't necessary get the treatment I needed. So yeah that has been frustrating. It has really been the medical treatment that has been aggravating. At this point I am considering travelling out of town to see a doctor and get a referral to a specialist. I just want to beat the fatigue and return to work.

I made a bad decision that started the whole thing. I took a knife to work and gave it to someone so I wouldn't be tempted to use it. It was a bad judgement call. I will admit that. So I'm the one that started this chain of events.

Steve seems to like encouraging me to cut in response to my frustration... and the fact this is what started it all. It's definitely not what I need at the moment. I've made it to 9 months and want to continue that trend. I don't want to go back to it. And I really don't need him talking about it all the time... or being reminded when I get in the van. It's like an addiction and not one I want to go back to.

I guess I need to stop listening to Steve if I want to relax. Otherwise it's just going to be a tough LOA and just make me more frustrated. Time for me to go with selective hearing. I should be used to that.