So I was at the chiropractor's today and my back was in rough shape. No surprise there. She said it's the worst it's ever been, even when I first started treatment. Seemed to think it might be related to seeing my mother over the holidays. Told me I needed an anti-mother pill. I think part of the reason I don't want a diagnosis of depression is because I don't want to be her, or anything like her.
Before I left her office Charlene gave me a hug. It was weird... unexpected. I'm not used to anyone giving a damn about me. Well I know people too but I still stay pretty guarded. I don't like to be vulnerable like that. Which reminds me... my mom tried to give me a hug over Christmas. I was embarassed since we were at a restaurant and then basically shunned her. Then I was left feeling guilty. She just wanted contact and I wanted nothing to do with her.
I think I just feel overwhelmed right now... a lot of negative energy and nothing positive. It has me feeling drained, and unable to cope with it. I feel like I am fighting a battle on my own and am losing. I shut out the people that are trying to help me and increase the isolation.
Tomorrow I go see the doctor. See what he thinks the answer is... medication.. therapy... less stress... whatever. But why is it that on this mini-vacation I've only gotten to sleep in once? What's with that? I'm trying to get some rest here.
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