Conflicted

The last week and a half have brought with it a wide range of feelings... from anger to discouragement. Anger because I am still being penalized for a recognized disability and for my honesty... discouragement because I am still not finding any answers or any hope. I'll be returning to work (eventually) still struggling with the Fibromyalgia and won't be any better off then. I am also discouraged because there is still no word when I'll be returning to work and had to use my sick days and will now be forced to fight for disability that will only cover 60% of my wages. So now I feel like I am being discriminated because of the Fibro. Yes there is also the self-injury aspect of it but I was not a threat to myself or to anyone else. If I was the doctor had an opportunity to keep me under observation, and so did the psychiatrist. They did not... but the doctor felt my performance would not improve until on anti-depressants. I agree with the statemen that I needed treatment for things to improve but I do not agree with the course of action. I needed the Fibro and the sleep issues to be treated. The doctor even made a statement that "Fibromyalgia" is typically a symptom of a psychiatric disorder." So I've been marginalized by the medical profession.

The frustration continues. I went to the walk-in clinic for a referral to a rheumatologist so that it would be treated. I was then told that no rheumatologist in Peterborough will treat Fibro patients. That is frustrating and discouraging to me. It's an uphill battle. I don't have a family doctor to treat it. I also don't drive so it's difficult to go elsewhere to get the proper treatment. At least when I was in London I was getting physical therapy and seeing a rheumatologist about it. For now there doesn't seem to be any hope in treatment.

I also feel conflicted. I want to believe that Chris was acting on my own interests and was concerned about me. But I am struggling with that. Even after I got a second opinion she questioned whether there was an issue with depression as well as the Fibro. Try dealing with a severe lack of sleep and the Fibro and tell me how happy you are. The main reason for me questioning it is the fact I've been off work for a week-and-a-half now, am not making full wages, and the doctor they sent me to does not believe Fibro is a legitimate disorder. This is compounded by the fact the medical treatment that was precsribed put my health into jeopardy, as well as my mental health. You can't put a price on health. I wouldn't wish the time off on anyone. No one should have to go through what I have had to. So now I feel conflicted about it. She was the catalyst that started the chain of events. In her defense I don't think she wanted this to happen or for it to go this way but I can't help but question whether or not she really did have my best interests in mind.

At the moment I am also considering my options. It has cost me a lot, emotionally and financially. I have not been able to find any justification for work forcing me to take time off, especially not an extended period of time. A fitness-to-work test might have been justified if the performance at work was to the point of costing me my job. But I had only received 2 verbal warnings and it had not reached the point of a written warning. For the one warning I met my sales quota for the month right after. And as for the tone I was never even given a chance to explain why I thought it might be an issue, or to look for ways to change it. I offered to mentor with another performance coach to work on it. As far as being a potential threat to myself or to others I have been cleared by both the doctor and the psychiatrist. So why am I not back at work?