Predator & Prey

"Stare at my face stare in my soul" (Disturbed) I already know what my eyes say. They show the pain and the dispair... and the hopelessness I currently feel. Been a long time since I really felt this way. I think the last time was when I still lived at home. I felt like there was no way out... worst feeling in the world. The last time I became really self destructive. Only time will tell what will happen this time around.

I had a good day at work... I was happy there. It's the coming home I hate. And no that's not because I am a workaholic... or because I hate my place. I love my apartment. It's the roommate situation that has me feeling this way.

Let me take a trip back in time here... I remember the days when I was at the Junction every Saturday night. I was social and smiled a lot more. Now I am just a caged animal, trapped at home. Back in my social days I was dating Adam. I stopped going out quite as much but on Friday nights we were usually at the pool tournament at the Sin Bin. Steve would follow me down there so even though I was in a serious relationship he didn't quite give up. Then in February, 2005, the relationship ended. Steve had me right where he wanted me. I was afraid because of Adam's delusions, had a breakdown, and needed a way out. Steve wanted to be the knight in shining armour... bail me out.. and make me owe him. But I was desperate. I needed money to pay first and last.

Biggest mistake of my life. I haven't stopped paying for that one. Since his name is on the lease I can't get rid of him. I did have a roommate until October. Then he moved out and SS saw an opportunity there as well. I was dating Tristan but he wanted to keep his hold on me. So he moved in. Keeps teling me he is moving out and then brings more stuff over instead. He is the main reason Tristan and I didn't get back together.

It takes a lot of energy out of you to deal with this... especially when the obsession has gone on for three years now. I have no life any more. I barely even leave the building. It's been almost a week since I left the building at all... and even then I was at the chiropractor's and running errands. I'm a shadow of my former self. I can't go anywhere. If I go to the bar he'll follow... and if I can escape that he'll still take advantage of me being intoxicated. It's a lose lose situation. So instead I hide at home.

Something has to change though. Or I am going to end up self destructing... one way or another. I can't keep going like this. It's slowly killing me. I keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. All I see is more darkness. He is the predator and I am the prey.