Grab Bag of Emotions

I'm not sure how I should be feeling at the moment. I'm still trying to see this as a positive thing... that Chris did it for me. It is giving me time off to get some rest and do some work for Chaord Studios. If I'm ever going to do anything with it now would be the time. I've been doing some work on some new UFC DVDs. It will also be a good chance to do some web site design. So that is a good thing.

But it's also extremely frustrating. I feel like I am getting fucked, without a kiss to go with it. My parents can't even force me to get treatment so why is work able to? They refuse to allow me to go back to work. I've said all along that all I needed was sleep and they finally agreed. But in the last 3 weeks I have seen 3 doctors, the crisis nurse twice, and 2 psychiatrists. No one has indicated that I am a threat to myself or to anyone else... so what is the problem? I feel like my hands are tied and there is nothing I can do about it. It's pretty frustrating.

Off and on there are also flashes of anger. I'm angry about the way I've been treated... forced off work... forced onto treatment... not allowed to return. I might as well have gone through with the self-injury since that is where it started.

Lastly, there is also discouragement. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. No one seems to be listening. The doctor told me that the "Fibromyalgia is a symptom of an underlying psychiatric condition." Then another doctor told me that I would never be treated for fibromyalgia in this town. With the increase in pain recently and the lack of sleep it's a little discouraging knowing that I won't be able to get treatment for a legitimate medical disorder and instead being told it's all psychiatric.

Of course all of this goes on my record at work, along with the two verbal warnings... so it does seem to be an uphill battle. One I am currently losing. While I am trying to remain positive about the whole thing there are also a lot of negatives.