Locations Lived

I was born and raised in Cobourg, ON. I moved to London to go to school... and to get away from my family. It was the first place I felt free... at home. My parents didn't have any influence on me there. But I still carried my anger with me. Became a problem drinker and then went sober for 2 years. Finished school, in part to prove my parents wrong. Finally got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and went into physiotherapy. Too bad it took 17 years to get that diagnosis. I really didn't want to leave London. I felt safe there and was far away from family. Unfortunately, after school I also didn't have a job and my lease expired. I was forced to look for other options. The only option I had to stay involved couch surfing with a buddy... or couch surfing with a guy that was interested in me. I decided to get out of town... temporarily.

My parents had a friend in Peterborough that said I could stay there. If anyone thinks I'm depressed now they should have seen me when I came to Peteroborough. It was the last place I wanted to be. I just wanted to go back to London. My landlord was reporting back on my every movements to my family... said I was out all night and was smoking. Now I had gone back to smoking but didn't go out all that often. I did start drinking again but only with friends. I learned not to try and outdrink Mexicans. I was cutting regularly until I scared the hell out of Kayla. Then I quit for 3 years. I got the job at Minacs and thinks were finally starting to look up. Then I got bounced from the house I was living in and had to scramble for somewhere to live. I ended up couch surfing for a week and then moved in with one of the ladies I was in training with. That was a rocky road the entire time. After her son was stealing from me I ended up moving in with Adam... a little prematurely. Definitely been a rocky road ever since I moved to Peterborough. I'm not sure there is a whole lot you could say that has gone my way. The last six months have been especially rough... as fatigue has increased and it has just been one thing after another.

They say your true personality shines through when the chips are down. When you're at the top of your game it's easy. It's when things aren't going your way that you start seeing who you really are. I've always seem myself as a survivor. But when you're just surviving you're also not really living. I'm also a fighter, not in the sense that I get into physical fights, but I won't back down. Back me into a corner and I'll come out fighting. The whole thing with Mike taught me that. A lot of people seemed to think I never should've pressed charges and backed down but it's not in me to do. It's when I feel like the chips are down I am usually at my best.

At this point though I don't see a way out... Normally there is a light at the end of the tunnel but all I see is darkness. Too many people tryimg to make me paranoid and makimg me wonder what I am really coming back to... will it be normal... the way it always was. Will I have to watch my back? I thought that 2006 would be my year... my comeback. It has certainly started off interesting. I'd like to think it's going to get better... it has to... but I said that throughout 2005 and look where it got me.

All I can hope for is that this latest trial ends soon. I'm hoping for peace and quiet... things to go well for a while. Or at least normalicy... not pain. I've known too much pain in my life as it is. The ongoing struggle to get past that, to make a choice and move on. Easy to say... much more difficult to do. Years of baggage cloud that judgement. I'm pretty guarded and don't even know who to trust. Most days I don't trust anyone.

I know it won't always be like this. And while some days it seems that life is currently against me I still remember good things. It hasn't been all bad. I learned I could love again. I've learned a cat makes a cheap therapist. I have an apartment where I feel at home. I'm sure I cam think of more positives but since it's now 6:00 a.m. my brain isn't quite functioning as well.

I guess tomorrow it's about making that choice... one day at a time. Don't live in the past or you'll miss your entire life. I've really gotta stop living my life still trying to pay penance. I'm still wrestlig with letting go. As a friend of mine once said, "Live life with no regrets,a lesson learmed... learn from it." So baby steps...