Locations Lived

I was born and raised in Cobourg, ON. I moved to London to go to school... and to get away from my family. It was the first place I felt free... at home. My parents didn't have any influence on me there. But I still carried my anger with me. Became a problem drinker and then went sober for 2 years. Finished school, in part to prove my parents wrong. Finally got diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and went into physiotherapy. Too bad it took 17 years to get that diagnosis. I really didn't want to leave London. I felt safe there and was far away from family. Unfortunately, after school I also didn't have a job and my lease expired. I was forced to look for other options. The only option I had to stay involved couch surfing with a buddy... or couch surfing with a guy that was interested in me. I decided to get out of town... temporarily.

My parents had a friend in Peterborough that said I could stay there. If anyone thinks I'm depressed now they should have seen me when I came to Peteroborough. It was the last place I wanted to be. I just wanted to go back to London. My landlord was reporting back on my every movements to my family... said I was out all night and was smoking. Now I had gone back to smoking but didn't go out all that often. I did start drinking again but only with friends. I learned not to try and outdrink Mexicans. I was cutting regularly until I scared the hell out of Kayla. Then I quit for 3 years. I got the job at Minacs and thinks were finally starting to look up. Then I got bounced from the house I was living in and had to scramble for somewhere to live. I ended up couch surfing for a week and then moved in with one of the ladies I was in training with. That was a rocky road the entire time. After her son was stealing from me I ended up moving in with Adam... a little prematurely. Definitely been a rocky road ever since I moved to Peterborough. I'm not sure there is a whole lot you could say that has gone my way. The last six months have been especially rough... as fatigue has increased and it has just been one thing after another.

They say your true personality shines through when the chips are down. When you're at the top of your game it's easy. It's when things aren't going your way that you start seeing who you really are. I've always seem myself as a survivor. But when you're just surviving you're also not really living. I'm also a fighter, not in the sense that I get into physical fights, but I won't back down. Back me into a corner and I'll come out fighting. The whole thing with Mike taught me that. A lot of people seemed to think I never should've pressed charges and backed down but it's not in me to do. It's when I feel like the chips are down I am usually at my best.

At this point though I don't see a way out... Normally there is a light at the end of the tunnel but all I see is darkness. Too many people tryimg to make me paranoid and makimg me wonder what I am really coming back to... will it be normal... the way it always was. Will I have to watch my back? I thought that 2006 would be my year... my comeback. It has certainly started off interesting. I'd like to think it's going to get better... it has to... but I said that throughout 2005 and look where it got me.

All I can hope for is that this latest trial ends soon. I'm hoping for peace and quiet... things to go well for a while. Or at least normalicy... not pain. I've known too much pain in my life as it is. The ongoing struggle to get past that, to make a choice and move on. Easy to say... much more difficult to do. Years of baggage cloud that judgement. I'm pretty guarded and don't even know who to trust. Most days I don't trust anyone.

I know it won't always be like this. And while some days it seems that life is currently against me I still remember good things. It hasn't been all bad. I learned I could love again. I've learned a cat makes a cheap therapist. I have an apartment where I feel at home. I'm sure I cam think of more positives but since it's now 6:00 a.m. my brain isn't quite functioning as well.

I guess tomorrow it's about making that choice... one day at a time. Don't live in the past or you'll miss your entire life. I've really gotta stop living my life still trying to pay penance. I'm still wrestlig with letting go. As a friend of mine once said, "Live life with no regrets,a lesson learmed... learn from it." So baby steps...

I Stand Alone, Part 2

The reason I included that song is because that is how I have felt most of my life. I have always felt like I stood alone. I had to be the strong one. I had to deal with everything alone. Apparently, when I was younger I once said "I have to get my toughness back." To a certain degree it has always been me against the world. I've spent my entire life trying to prove my parents wrong... trying to prove I wasn't nothing. The hardest person to convince is myself. I still see myself as a failure... as someone who will never amount to anything. That might be why I am having a tough time with the LOA. I have a tough time admitting that I can't do everything by myself... that every once in a while I do need help.

That doesn't mean I think I suffer from clinical depression. I'm actually more likely to have unresolved anger issues. I trusted my parents and they lied to me. I had to be strong to protect myself. And like most abused kids I learned to protect the family secret. Trust no one.

My time off has brought with it a wide range of emotions. There has definiltely been anger at having my hand forced and being told I need to see a psychiatrist. There has also been frustration over the way treatment has gone so far. When I went into psychology it was with the belief that pills are not always the answer. After I went to the walk-in clinic there was also discouragement with the realization that fibromyalgia would never be treated in Peterborough. After my visit with the initial doctor there was also resentment. He minimized what I was going through and said that "Fibromyalgia is typically a symptom of a psychiatric disorder." There was further anger when they put my health in jeopardy with the treatment. Undoubtledtly, there have also been symptoms of depression since I am not being treated for the Fibromyalgia and it feels like I am being blocked at every turn. Nothing has gone right so far and it's hard to remain hopeful.

I'm not saying that counselling would not be a good thing. In 27 years there have been a lot of rough times... and a lot of things undealt with. I guess it's about time I started dealing with them. I've done well at avoidance but that only takes you so far. You can only run for so long before it catches up with you. Looks like it finally caught up with me. So this isn't entirely a bad thing. It's forcing me to deal with the ghosts of the past.

I Stand Alone

Godsmack
"I Stand Alone"

Now I've told you this once before
You can't control me
If you try to take me down you're gonna pay
Now I feel your every nothing that you're doing for me
I'm picking you outa me
you run away
I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone
You're always hiding behind your so called goddess
So what you don't think that we can see your face
Resurrected back before the final fallen
I'll never rest until I can make my own way
I'm not afraid of fading
I stand alone
Feeling your sting down inside of me
I'm not dying for it
I stand alone
Everything that I believe is fading
I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone
And now its my time (now its my time)
It's my time to dream (my time to dream)
Dream of the sky (dream of the sky)
Make me believe that this place isn't plagued
By the poison in me
Help me decide if my fire will burn out
Before you can breathe
Breathe into me
I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone
Feeling your sting down inside of me
I'm not dying for it
I stand alone
Everything that I believe is fading
I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone
Inside
I stand alone
Inside

Adding Fuel to the Fire

With me being off work Steve has left me alone a lot more... But he is still getting on my nerves. SS really does love adding fuel to the fire. He seems to want me to be constantly frustrated and angry. He knows all the buttons to push too so I fall into the trap. But if I go back angry and frustrated then I'll be right where I started from. The best thing I can do is make the most of my time off... rest... relax... work on Chaord Studios... maybe even go out to BC for a vacation. That way when I do come back I'll be in the right mindframe. I'm still battling the fatigue and some rest would definitely be nice.

Steve seems to see the whole thing as a malicious conspiracy from work. I don't think it was intended to be that way. My frustration really started with the doctor and the fact he doesn't believe fibromyalgia is real. That meant that I didn't necessary get the treatment I needed. So yeah that has been frustrating. It has really been the medical treatment that has been aggravating. At this point I am considering travelling out of town to see a doctor and get a referral to a specialist. I just want to beat the fatigue and return to work.

I made a bad decision that started the whole thing. I took a knife to work and gave it to someone so I wouldn't be tempted to use it. It was a bad judgement call. I will admit that. So I'm the one that started this chain of events.

Steve seems to like encouraging me to cut in response to my frustration... and the fact this is what started it all. It's definitely not what I need at the moment. I've made it to 9 months and want to continue that trend. I don't want to go back to it. And I really don't need him talking about it all the time... or being reminded when I get in the van. It's like an addiction and not one I want to go back to.

I guess I need to stop listening to Steve if I want to relax. Otherwise it's just going to be a tough LOA and just make me more frustrated. Time for me to go with selective hearing. I should be used to that.

Grab Bag of Emotions

I'm not sure how I should be feeling at the moment. I'm still trying to see this as a positive thing... that Chris did it for me. It is giving me time off to get some rest and do some work for Chaord Studios. If I'm ever going to do anything with it now would be the time. I've been doing some work on some new UFC DVDs. It will also be a good chance to do some web site design. So that is a good thing.

But it's also extremely frustrating. I feel like I am getting fucked, without a kiss to go with it. My parents can't even force me to get treatment so why is work able to? They refuse to allow me to go back to work. I've said all along that all I needed was sleep and they finally agreed. But in the last 3 weeks I have seen 3 doctors, the crisis nurse twice, and 2 psychiatrists. No one has indicated that I am a threat to myself or to anyone else... so what is the problem? I feel like my hands are tied and there is nothing I can do about it. It's pretty frustrating.

Off and on there are also flashes of anger. I'm angry about the way I've been treated... forced off work... forced onto treatment... not allowed to return. I might as well have gone through with the self-injury since that is where it started.

Lastly, there is also discouragement. I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. No one seems to be listening. The doctor told me that the "Fibromyalgia is a symptom of an underlying psychiatric condition." Then another doctor told me that I would never be treated for fibromyalgia in this town. With the increase in pain recently and the lack of sleep it's a little discouraging knowing that I won't be able to get treatment for a legitimate medical disorder and instead being told it's all psychiatric.

Of course all of this goes on my record at work, along with the two verbal warnings... so it does seem to be an uphill battle. One I am currently losing. While I am trying to remain positive about the whole thing there are also a lot of negatives.

Anger & Frustration

At this point I am angry enough to go back to the cutting. It's the reason I am off work so why not? And now I am off until I see the psychiatrist again. On one hand I don't want to give them the satisfaction. It's been 9 months now and I gave the knife away so I wouldn't be tempted. On the other hand, I want to prove a point. Cutting for me has always been about coping.. or not feeling anything at all. It's not about suicide. If I were drinking it wouldn't be an issue. I'd still be at work. Yet I am more likely to die from alcohol poisoning then with a knife. While I may not entirely condone the behaviour I am not entirely against it either. I believe there is too much of a stigma associated with it... and there is also a great deal of guilt.

Some of that anger comes from finances. They didn't pay me for any of the time off, not even the sick days. So my pay cheque was only for one week. Doesn't help me pay the bills. No idea when I'll get the money and it won't be 100%. It will be 60% of my wages.

Some of it is the LOA. They didn't tell I could refuse to take it. So I feel a little misled. I was under the impression that I had no choice. Had I known that I might not have been off work. Not to mention there is the whole aspect that they are forcing treatment on me. I had to make sure I was diagnosed with depression so that the doctor would clear me to return to work. So do I really have depression... we'll never really know.

The reason I am on an LOA is supposed to be confidential but it has been anything but. It would be one thing if I was off on a medical leave but since it's a mental leave I would rather people not know about it. Obviously, certain people have to know but at this rate they might as well send an email to the entire site since it has definitely not been kept confidential.

Lastly, there is the whole premise for the LOA. What they told me was that because I had the knife at work and gave it up I was considered a risk to myself or to others and I was on a leave until cleared by a doctor. I have now seen three doctors, the assessment nurse, and a psychiatrist and none of them considered me a risk. So... why am I not back at work? According to the letter they wrote the doctor my performance was lacking at work, I had numerous physical complaints, and then there was the knife. Of course, there are numerous physical complaints I am in chronic pain. I really haven't been sleeping either. That's also part of the reason my performance has been slipping. As for the knife... I had just seen my family.. was stressed with the roommate... and received 2 verbal warnings at work. I was stressed to the max and needed relief. The doctor they sent me to does not believe fibromyalgia is real which really didn't help. And he did not feel my performance at work would improve unless medicated. Then he denied me going back to work until I see the psychiatrist again. So it was obviously not just about whether or not I was a risk. And since my parents can't even force me into treatment why does work have that power? If they were actually treating the sleep... and the pain... and then determining if I really do have depression then I might be okay with it but to feel forced to be diagnosed with depression I'm not cool with.

So yeah I am a little angry right now over the whole situation. I think it could've been handled differently, more effectively. Right now I don't feel like I was taken into consideration. No one ever asked me why I thought I was having problems at work. No one took the time to ask me if I was okay and what I needed to get through it. If I was such a risk why did they wait 3 days for me to come back in? If it was about suicide I could've killed myself while I was off. Then they forced me off work and I didn't feel like I had a choice. The doctor then margninalized me by saying that "Fibromyalgia is typically a symptom of a psychiatric disorder" Then I was forced to see the assessment nurse and was basically given the message that unless I was on a prescription for anti-depressants then I would not be able to return to work. At that point it didn't matter whether I thought I was depressed I had to get the diagnosis to return to work. And to top it off the medication caused too many negative side effects and meant more time at the ER to be told it was normal. Hmm... can't imagine why I am angry with the whole experience. And since it was all over my cutting I do feel like I should go back to it. At least then it might be somewhat justified. I think I'll wait until after I get my medication changed though. That way I can still tell them it's been 9 months and while tempted I haven't acted on it.

Medication

The hardest part about being off work for this long is that, as it stands now, when I go back to work nothing would have changed. I am still battling the sleep... and the pain. After the medication put my health in jeopardy I have also not been taking anything. I shouldn't admit to that since me returning to work is largely dependant on me being medicated. Mind you it's sad that they insist I be medicated so I can do my job. What does that say about work? What do I really need? I need someone to treat the lack of restorative sleep... maybe even pain management. Something like amitriptyline is a mild anti-depressant and would treat the symptoms of depression and the issues with sleep. Now that would be nice... apparantly it's just a dream... but any ways. Maybe I should go back to the hospital and get my medication switched. But I really don't feel like spending another 3 hours there and can't afford the cab ride at the moment. The risk assessment nurse should be calling to let me know when my appointment is and I may ask her opinion... since I am currently unmedicated. Gotta continue to play the game..

Conflicted

The last week and a half have brought with it a wide range of feelings... from anger to discouragement. Anger because I am still being penalized for a recognized disability and for my honesty... discouragement because I am still not finding any answers or any hope. I'll be returning to work (eventually) still struggling with the Fibromyalgia and won't be any better off then. I am also discouraged because there is still no word when I'll be returning to work and had to use my sick days and will now be forced to fight for disability that will only cover 60% of my wages. So now I feel like I am being discriminated because of the Fibro. Yes there is also the self-injury aspect of it but I was not a threat to myself or to anyone else. If I was the doctor had an opportunity to keep me under observation, and so did the psychiatrist. They did not... but the doctor felt my performance would not improve until on anti-depressants. I agree with the statemen that I needed treatment for things to improve but I do not agree with the course of action. I needed the Fibro and the sleep issues to be treated. The doctor even made a statement that "Fibromyalgia" is typically a symptom of a psychiatric disorder." So I've been marginalized by the medical profession.

The frustration continues. I went to the walk-in clinic for a referral to a rheumatologist so that it would be treated. I was then told that no rheumatologist in Peterborough will treat Fibro patients. That is frustrating and discouraging to me. It's an uphill battle. I don't have a family doctor to treat it. I also don't drive so it's difficult to go elsewhere to get the proper treatment. At least when I was in London I was getting physical therapy and seeing a rheumatologist about it. For now there doesn't seem to be any hope in treatment.

I also feel conflicted. I want to believe that Chris was acting on my own interests and was concerned about me. But I am struggling with that. Even after I got a second opinion she questioned whether there was an issue with depression as well as the Fibro. Try dealing with a severe lack of sleep and the Fibro and tell me how happy you are. The main reason for me questioning it is the fact I've been off work for a week-and-a-half now, am not making full wages, and the doctor they sent me to does not believe Fibro is a legitimate disorder. This is compounded by the fact the medical treatment that was precsribed put my health into jeopardy, as well as my mental health. You can't put a price on health. I wouldn't wish the time off on anyone. No one should have to go through what I have had to. So now I feel conflicted about it. She was the catalyst that started the chain of events. In her defense I don't think she wanted this to happen or for it to go this way but I can't help but question whether or not she really did have my best interests in mind.

At the moment I am also considering my options. It has cost me a lot, emotionally and financially. I have not been able to find any justification for work forcing me to take time off, especially not an extended period of time. A fitness-to-work test might have been justified if the performance at work was to the point of costing me my job. But I had only received 2 verbal warnings and it had not reached the point of a written warning. For the one warning I met my sales quota for the month right after. And as for the tone I was never even given a chance to explain why I thought it might be an issue, or to look for ways to change it. I offered to mentor with another performance coach to work on it. As far as being a potential threat to myself or to others I have been cleared by both the doctor and the psychiatrist. So why am I not back at work?

A Mother's Touch

So I was at the chiropractor's today and my back was in rough shape. No surprise there. She said it's the worst it's ever been, even when I first started treatment. Seemed to think it might be related to seeing my mother over the holidays. Told me I needed an anti-mother pill. I think part of the reason I don't want a diagnosis of depression is because I don't want to be her, or anything like her.

Before I left her office Charlene gave me a hug. It was weird... unexpected. I'm not used to anyone giving a damn about me. Well I know people too but I still stay pretty guarded. I don't like to be vulnerable like that. Which reminds me... my mom tried to give me a hug over Christmas. I was embarassed since we were at a restaurant and then basically shunned her. Then I was left feeling guilty. She just wanted contact and I wanted nothing to do with her.

I think I just feel overwhelmed right now... a lot of negative energy and nothing positive. It has me feeling drained, and unable to cope with it. I feel like I am fighting a battle on my own and am losing. I shut out the people that are trying to help me and increase the isolation.

Tomorrow I go see the doctor. See what he thinks the answer is... medication.. therapy... less stress... whatever. But why is it that on this mini-vacation I've only gotten to sleep in once? What's with that? I'm trying to get some rest here.

Verbal Warning

Well this time it wasn't me that got the verbal warning... it was Val. Have I mentioned yet that my life is a soap opera? I made a bad decision involving Dawn in my own personal issues and I regret that. I really didn't mean to put her in that place as I've said before. Initially when I pulled the knife out at work it was actually a bad joke but she knew why I had it there... Well actually I had it because I forgot to take it out of my pants pocket. I wouldn't use it at work and didn't mean to have it on me. But any ways... that was still a really bad decision on my part. So then when I gave up the knife Val went to her about it and seemed to think I needed an intervention. But she really crossed the line. Dawn was on a call and made it clear that she didn't want to talk about it. I never should've involved Dawn... and Val should've left it alone. So Val got a verbal warning over it and was told not to come visit me... which is fine by me. Now she is trying to say that she only did it in case Dawn needed someone to talk to... and that she apologized for it. Yes she apologized for it, but not because she meant it... because she knew she was in the wrong and never should've gone to her in the first place. But as far as her motivations go, that wasn't it at all. She wanted someone to share her concerns and wanted someone to intervene. She's lying to herself if she thinks otherwise. The drama continues...

Tough Times

I'm really starting to hate karma... whatever happened to good times? Haven't seen too many of those in a long time. And after my post, "Denial" the comment was that depression would be understandable. Then after "Fibromyalgia & Depression" the comment was that if I am not depressed then it must be Seasonal Affective Disorder. How about we follow what I said in "Labels" and just not label it. Call it what it is... a rough period. We all have bad times.

Don't put me in a box and call it depression. Then I'm just going to see everything through those eyes and take on that persona. I don't need medication... therapy maybe... but I don't want the label, 'cuz that's all it is.

I've never been the happy-go-lucky person. It's not who I am. But how chipper would you be with all the shit I've gone through in the last year? My relationship with Adam ended and I spent the next three months in constant fear for my life. Looking back I'm not sure how much of that was justified and how much was someone else's paranoia. That's really draining. And the hits continued throughout the year. According to the rumours at work I can get someone fired. Then I ended up being part of a criminal case and the rumours at work continued. I had my bank account cleaned out. After that my second relationship ended because of deception. Tristan and I didn't get back together because of the stalker. And that situation has been intensifying over the last few months to the point where I barely leave the house. If you had gone through that in a year how happy would you be? If that wasn't enough there has been a cognitive deterioration... some days I feel like I have Alzheimers. For someone that relies on intellect and reason the thought of losing those abilities is terrifying.

Maybe it is depression... maybe it's seasonal affective disorder... or maybe I am just having a tough time where nothing has gone right. Imagine that. I need better ways to cope... I don't deny that. I tend to keep it inside until I can't any more. But I don't believe adding the label of depression will make it any better.

Leave Me Be

So now that I am back to the Disturbed song that I posted a little while ago... from "Just Stop"

Just stop enough of the limitless critical comments on my life
Just stop the judgment and all of your pseudo-involvement in my life

All that you want is to criticize
Something for nothing
And all that I want is forgiveness one more time
To be the best in the world

This time it's not directed at my family though... this time it goes out to Val. I'm done. I've had enough. Stop judging me and let me choose the ways I need to cope. Just because you don't agree with it... it's still my decision. You do what you have to in order to cope with what life throws at you. I'm not about to be one of those people wearing the bracelets in support of cutting. But it is just another way to cope... it just doesn't happen to be socially acceptable. All I ask is that you try and look through my eyes for a change and try to understand why I did it. I stopped myself. I got rid of the knife. Instead of being proud of that decision and acknowledging that I'm okay Val expressed her concern to someone else. I don't need a fucking intervention. I'm not going to kill myself. Since I gave up the knife I'm not a risk at all... I am not going out and buying another one.

I am much more likely to die from alcohol poisoning but that is acceptable. I'm sure Val would encourage me to get out... get drunk... and stop thinking about everything that is going on. How is that any better? It is just another way to become numb. One that often leads to worse choices.

I don't eat for 2 days and people don't think I need an intervention. That's just as unhealthy. But anorexia is also more socially acceptable.

I have never had to make a trip to the hospital after cutting... never even remotely been close to serious injury... well okay I guess there was that one time back in my younger days. It's all controlled. In fact cutting is typically about control... regaining it... finding a balance.

I am not going back to the cutting. But leave me alone and let me cope the way I need to, not the way you want me to. Even if that does mean that one day I do back to it. Val is one of the reasons there is so much shame and stigma associated with it. If you can't accept me for who I am (the good and the bad) then you are not my friend. I try not to judge people for the way they cope because I understand that you do what you have to in order to survive. So, stop with the judgements and the condescending attitude. It's not helping me. If you want to be a friend then actually open your ears and listen.. be there and support me. And be proud that I made it through another day without self-injury.

Heather

And all that I want is forgiveness one more time

TGIF

I am extremely happy that it is Friday... thinking I should go offline and just hide for the remainder of the weekend. Might even relax if I did that. Been a rough week so far. Still not as bad as the beginning of 2005 though.

Ongoing issues with the roommate. I really need to find a new one, and fast. While I don't think I can get him out of my life permanently it would still help. At least then I wouldn't have to see him nearly as much. Have I mentioned how much I hate small talk? Looks like he hasn't got that message. Silence is valuable. I don't want you to talk just for the sake of talking. With most people it wouldn't bother me but he irks me more and more every day.

My sister was also in the hospital three times. So that has added some stress to my life, especially since they aren't really sure what's going on and why she is in so much pain. At this point they think it's an ulcer... caused by bacteria eating through the lining of the stomach. But it's a waiting game now, until they know more.

At work I got 2 verbal warnings within 2 days. Something I had managed to avoid for three years. The first one was for sales... or lack of. It's always been my weak point. The second one was for my tone. I admit it was a bad call. And it is something I struggle with. To a certain degree I think it's related to hearing "US desktop" when I answer the phone. I actually dread going on the phones for that reason... especially since they have increased the amount of time I am on the phones. It is a mental block for me. I worked hard to get away from that... going to portables and then Canada/Legacy and now am back where I started. Guess I am going to have to find some way to overcome that and have no idea how to. So it has me feeling a little discouraged at the moment. If that wasn't enough, I also found out that I didn't meet my mandate last month because of a scheduling conflict with one of my agents. I came in early twice to do the ace and was unable to complete it.

Needless to say this week has not been so great for me. I was really tempted to go back to the cutting. Then at least I'd feel nothing at all. That would be better then this uneasy, restless feeling I currently have. I knew better so I gave the knife away. I knew if I didn't I would end up using it. Then I made the mistake of telling Val who had it since she was concerned I might go back to it. I didn't think she would go to that person and try and start an intervention. Do I look like I need an intervention? A stiff drink maybe.. but not an intervention. I got rid of the knife so that I didn't use it. Isn't that good enough? I guess not. Now it's just become a drama. And made me realize, for the last time, that Val cannot be trusted and has no concept of the word confidentiality. I also ended up putting the other person into the middle of it and that wasn't fair to her. I really didn't want that to happen and had hoped that if Val was concerned about me that she would come to me, not go to someone else.

So let's do a quick summary of the week:

Work: Questionable
Friends: Lost one
Family: Sister has ongoing medical issues
Home: Still have the stalker/roommate with no end in sight

Yep it has been a great week. I did finally get some needed sleep today. It was pretty much the high point for me. Overall I am doing better now. I have a couple of days to rest and Steve is back at work so I won't see him quite as much as I had been. I just needed some time off to clear my head and relax. Been crazy with the holidays. Seeing my family always takes a toll on me. So does the Christmas season and I didn't feel like I had much time off around then. In spite of everything I am feeling a lot more positive now. All I need now is to find a roommate... then things will really be looking up. And figure out how to get over the mental block at work. But things could be worse. I could be repeating 2005... or I could be unemployed.... homeless... etc.

"No day but today" (Rent)

Quotes

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Papa Roach – “Scars”

Self-Injury

Time for a more revealing look at my life... or at least one aspect of my life. I've touched on it in a couple of posts now. See also, "Labels"and "Broken Promises". Time to delve into the world self-injury. It's not about suicide... or attention. I was a cutter because it was a way to cope. I couldn't deal with the emotional side of things, still can't, and so it was easier to cut and give myself something physical to focus on. When you cut yourself your body automatically reacts as a self-preservation mechanism and works to heal itself. I'd like to say I've stopped completely... but I haven't found anything to replace it with. I haven't cut myself (at least not on purpose) since April but I already broke the promise and bought a knife again. Will I go back to it? At this point I don't know. It's like the creed of an alcoholic... "One day at a time." Baby steps.

Predator & Prey

"Stare at my face stare in my soul" (Disturbed) I already know what my eyes say. They show the pain and the dispair... and the hopelessness I currently feel. Been a long time since I really felt this way. I think the last time was when I still lived at home. I felt like there was no way out... worst feeling in the world. The last time I became really self destructive. Only time will tell what will happen this time around.

I had a good day at work... I was happy there. It's the coming home I hate. And no that's not because I am a workaholic... or because I hate my place. I love my apartment. It's the roommate situation that has me feeling this way.

Let me take a trip back in time here... I remember the days when I was at the Junction every Saturday night. I was social and smiled a lot more. Now I am just a caged animal, trapped at home. Back in my social days I was dating Adam. I stopped going out quite as much but on Friday nights we were usually at the pool tournament at the Sin Bin. Steve would follow me down there so even though I was in a serious relationship he didn't quite give up. Then in February, 2005, the relationship ended. Steve had me right where he wanted me. I was afraid because of Adam's delusions, had a breakdown, and needed a way out. Steve wanted to be the knight in shining armour... bail me out.. and make me owe him. But I was desperate. I needed money to pay first and last.

Biggest mistake of my life. I haven't stopped paying for that one. Since his name is on the lease I can't get rid of him. I did have a roommate until October. Then he moved out and SS saw an opportunity there as well. I was dating Tristan but he wanted to keep his hold on me. So he moved in. Keeps teling me he is moving out and then brings more stuff over instead. He is the main reason Tristan and I didn't get back together.

It takes a lot of energy out of you to deal with this... especially when the obsession has gone on for three years now. I have no life any more. I barely even leave the building. It's been almost a week since I left the building at all... and even then I was at the chiropractor's and running errands. I'm a shadow of my former self. I can't go anywhere. If I go to the bar he'll follow... and if I can escape that he'll still take advantage of me being intoxicated. It's a lose lose situation. So instead I hide at home.

Something has to change though. Or I am going to end up self destructing... one way or another. I can't keep going like this. It's slowly killing me. I keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. All I see is more darkness. He is the predator and I am the prey.

The Path We Choose

It's always nice when mindless entertainment can actually make you think about life. Life is all about choices. I was watching "Dog, the Bounty Hunter" and they were hunting down a 24 year old stripper. She came from an abusive background and ended up as a stripper because it was a way out and there is lot of money involved. But in the end she lost custody of her son and was going to be doing hard time. Part of me feels bad for the situation she is in. But at the same time, she made those choices.

I came from a shit background too... and so did a lot of people I know. But none of us are in jail... or have been in jail... I think any ways. I could be wrong. It all comes down to what choices you make. I still remember the day I graduated from university. I was talking to my best friend while growing up, Kim. No one was able to attend since my parents were out in BC. She told me I should have let her know and she would've come down. At that point she finally told me that she wasn't even sure I would make it out of high school.

I've changed a lot since then. Yeah I still have the chip on my shoulder but that is something I am working on. My parents still deny that there was anything wrong so I end up feeling conflicted. Part of me still has a sense of loyalty and like most abused children continue to hold the family secret. Working on forgiveness and choosing to move past it. Not easy when that is your world view and all you've ever known. But there was a time period when I didn't give a damn about anything. I could die tomorrow and I didn't care. That almost happened with my head injury. I was also a cutter. I couldn't deal with emotions so I projected it outwards, onto the flesh. I still don't deal well with emotions but I am getting better.

I chose to finish my education. A good friend of mine, on the other hand, was doing time shortly after he turned 18. My dad said that Al tried to turn his life around but no one would give him a chance. Every day we make choices. They won't always be the right ones but we do choose the path that is before us.

Heather

SS

I think it's about time I count how many blogs have been posted about my number 1 fan... I think the count is up to 6... out of 15. Let's recap... there was "Obsession", "Obsession Part 2", "The Sound of Silence", "Some People", "The Saga Continues", and "Aggravated". I almost feel like I need someone new to annoy me so I can write about them instead. The song "Getting Away with Murder" also seems appropriate right now.

I thought I'd do something fun and make a top ten list. Are you ready???

Top 15 Ways Steve Annoys Me

1. Constant offers of sex. If I said no before I am going to keep saying it.
2. Hanging out on my floor when I am on my computer. If I am in my room it means I am either working or hiding.
3. Trying to create a rift between me and my TL. You really don't have to share your opinion. I don't want to hear it.
   
4. Not closing the door when in the bathroom. I am your roommate, not your wife. Close the door!
5. The fact his room is more like a storage unit then a bedroom. Do you really need 3 computers in your room?
6. The fact he thinks he's better then everyone else at work. We're all replaceable. Get over yourself.
7. He's cheap. Favourite stores are Value Village and the Dollar Store.
8. Telling Dwayne he could stay here without even consulting me. But hey he did get approval from the building management.
9. Hanging out at my desk while at work after I have said repeatedly that I don't want anyone stopping by.
10. The fact this obsession has gone on for 3 years now
11. His statement that the reason he can't get dates is "because of the wolves in sheeps clothing", the nice guys that are really rapists (which he seemed to believe was every guy that appeared nice)
    
12. His van. Need I say more?
13. His constant need to talk. Sometimes silence is good, especially when you end up trying to look like a expert on a subject you know nothing about. Leave the video editing to me... and don't try and start a debate.
14. The fact I feel like I can't even leave the house... If I drink he'll try and take advatange of it. I am pretty much restricted now... to work and home. I think I need a girls night out soon.
15. Have I mentioned the constant offers of sex?
    

The Year of Lies & Deception

I think if I had to sum up 2005 in a few words it would be lies & deception. There has been a lot of that in the past year. Take my relationship with Tristan. Looking back I wonder if there was any truth in there at all. Then there was the way it ended... on MSN... with me finding out the truth about who he really was. I suppose you could argue there are lies and then there is withholding the truth. But that is where deception comes into play.

One person calls themself a good friend and lies to my face. They try and keep me paranoid. I touched on that a few times now. See, "Survivor in the Real World" and "Gripes from Work" I've had more then enough of the rumour mill at work. When my relationship with Adam ended Val was there as the comforting friend... there when I needed someone. So now, she uses that against me, subconsciously. I still remember when I became a performance coach. It was getting close to the end of the three months and I did not have a team. She said, "They gave you the position to take it away again." It's definitely not the first time she has made dispariging comments and tries to keep me doubting myself. Misery loves company. I don't even think she realizes that she does it but she continuously makes negative comments. Most times I don't really think about it because I am so used to it from family. It's like I expect it.

I am my own worst enemy. I don't need someone else to do it for me. Take my aces for Decemeber, as an example. My mandate was 32 I think. I ended up doing 41 by the end of the month. But I was not able to complete one because of a schedule conflict. I came in early twice to do it but was still not able to. Me being me, I feel like I let my manager down because I didn't get that one ace done. I tried my best... but from myself I expect nothing less then perfection. being second best isn't good enough, probably because I always feel like I have something to prove. I've spent my entire life proving people wrong.

I know I doubt myself and my own abilities. I will admit to that. In 2005 other people really seemed to want to help me with that, but not in a good way. It really sucks when people that you look up to lie to you and try and make you look over your shoulder. At one point another person I had called a friend kept telling me to watch my back and seemed to think my team leader was out to get me. Good thing Chris has always been honest with me. When she is disappointed in me I know about it. And yes that does happen. I'm human. I fuck up. 6 months later I am still there.

But if I was always watching my back and looking over my shoulder it would become a self fulfilling prophecy. That takes a lot of time and energy. And since it involved my team leader would have also led to conflict as well.

Why can't people just hold to the adage that "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all." Or at least stop with the lies. Of course, I need to develop a backbone and stand up to Val. She's only hurting me in the long run... the more I listen to it. 2006 is about change. It's about being true to myself and not compromising who I am.

Heather