Family Affair

The holiday season is almost over... pretty soon it will be a brand new year. Yesterday it was time to spend time with the family. That's always a hard thing for me. I went out to lunch with my mom, my sister and my sister's family. I even brought home the chicken with me so even Azrael got some of it. Then we went to Animlia. I almost ended up coming home with fish... but decided I didn't have the cash for it. Plus I am not sure where I would put a fish tank. I had a few errands to run and then we came back here... well my mom had to go to work but the rest of us came back to my place. It was a nice visit. Suzanne knows to keep mom and I separated and only having short visits. I did find it interesting though when mom gave me my Christmas present there was no mention of dad. I know he's out on the west coast but they are still married.

This year Christmas was a little more strained then usual. Mom tried to get dad to come out for a visit. He hasn't even met his grand-daughter yet. But he refused because his siblings are out there. What are we? We may not be blood relatives but the last time I checked family isn't just about the blood ties. And Annika is his granddaughter. Mom may be a lot of things but at least she is trying to make the effort to know her. Apparently, grandma has been telling mom to just let him go... to let him have his own life. So this Christmas did bring with it some sadness. I think people should stay out of their marriage. Let them decide whether or not it is worth saving.

Time with family is also a reminder of the past. It reminds me of the self-doubt and all the times I was told I wasn't good enough and that I would never be anything. For that... I hate the holiday season. At least it is almost over.

Holiday Season

Another Christmas is in the books... I was at work all day and it was a pretty quiet day overall which is exactly what I wanted. I talked to my parents yesterday which meant today was all about work. I'll be glad when the holiday season is completely over. My sister will be coming down on Friday and that will be the extent of my holiday celebration. Well my mom will also be coming out to lunch with us. I have mixed emotions about it. Part of me just wants to be alone and enjoy the time off... but I also feel like I have an obligation to my family. I'm just so tired and lacking energy that all I want to do is sleep so whenever anyone wants me to do something on my days off I am reluctant.

The Holiday Season

We're now in the middle of the holiday season. I hate going shopping because it's always crowded and people are always in a hurry. Of course I am not that crazy about shopping on a good day.

The holiday season is also about family. I won't be seeing my family at all during the holidays. My dad is in BC and, as for the rest of my family, I am working throughout the holidays. It's about staying busy and making some extra money.

My friends are basically family to me. They watch over me and support me. It's my friends that keep me going. Right now I can think of three people... Amy... Tammy... and Christie. They all have my back. Some days I think I'm their pet project though. That they feel somewhat responsible for me... or are trying to protect me. People do seem to have a nurturing instinct when it comes to me. I appreciate my friends and everything they do for me. So the holidays are about spending time with friends.

The Toy Store

Yesterday I was coming home from the dentist and had to stop by the drugstore. On the way there I stopped by the toy store. I have been trying to find a magic 8-ball. I never thought it would be so hard to find. Before anyone asks it has to do with work and I want to use it as an illustration for my agents. Any ways I spend way too much time in the toys section... especially with the games. It got me thinking... Why do I spend so much time in the toy section? I buy games that I rarely play but I do have a nice collection... Now the Nerf gun I do make use of. I came to the conclusion that it's about reliving my childhood.

My childhood is more about innocence lost... at least my adolescence any ways. That was about the same time I realized that family life was not all it was cracked up to be. I was beginning to realize that my parents were over-protective... to the point of smothering me. Instead of teaching me about the world they were trying to keep me isolated. I had to teach myself everything... how to cook... clean... take care of myself. To this day I feel inadequate, especially in social situations. It's part of the reason I tend to keep to myself. I don't want other people to see those deficiencies. Then I overcompensate for them so that people don't question me. It's a good system... and is about protecting myself.

Adolescence was also the time when I developed an eating disorder. My mom would insult my sister over her weight and I didn't want to go through the same thing. So I starved myself. But that didn't stop the harsh words or the insults. I was told I wasn't good enough... I was told I would never amount to anything. I was told that I was a slut... I was a bitch... I was no good. I still carry those scars with me.

At the same time I was somewhat naive. I was too trusting... I still am. I believed that everyone was good. when I was 13 I was dating an older guy. To most people that might have sent out red flags... predator warnings... But no... He went to church so I thought he was one of the good guys. I was sadly mistaken. I have blocked out a lot of the memories from that day... but you can call it seduction.... you can call it statutory rape... you can call it a lot of things. All I know is that it was the day my innocence was taken. I had nightmares about it... flashbacks... all the symptoms of PTSD. I saw myself as damaged goods... and it shaped my views on sex. It has an association with violence... a link made made stronger by the next rape.

So now a part of me is still stuck back there in childhood... trying to capture some of that youth I missed out on. And as a result I buy games and other toys that make me feel safe. To a certain degree I am stuck in the past. They remind me of a time before all this... a time when I was still innocent. It's about healing and self preservation. Now I just need to find a way to break out of that and get past it. Bring the past and present together. Let go of the past.

Decision to Heal

Okay so once again I have decided to plagarize... but for a worthwhile cause... This was taken from The Joyful Heart Foundation web site and I wanted to post it because I believe that it has a great deal of power and truth.

Once you recognize the effects of the trauma you have experienced, you have the choice to make an active commitment to yourself to heal. The journey to recovery can only happen when you choose to take the first step along the path to enlightenment. You must be willing and ready to explore, confront and make peace with your emotions, feelings and the reality of what has happened and the aftermath. You can take back the power and control that was taken from you.

• Breaking the Silence
  Disclosing what you have experienced in your life to someone you trust and feel safe with can be a profound step towards healing. By no longer keeping the violence a secret, you can dispel the shame of being a victim and allow yourself the courage to be a survivor.
  
  
• Making Contact with the Person Within
  After experiencing life-altering trauma, more often than not the survivor has lost touch with the person they use to be and does not recognize the person they have become. Getting in touch with yourself is a process with no time limit.
  
  
• Understanding It Wasn't Your Fault
  Survivors often believe that they somehow caused what happened. Survivors must place the blame where it belongs- directly on the abuser.
  
  
• Trusting Yourself
  You inner voice is one of the most powerful components in the healing process. Learn to trust your own perceptions, feelings and intuitions and let this be your guide.
  
  
• Grieving and Mourning
  Allow yourself permission feel what you are feeling. Grieving is a way to accept your pain, honor your pain, let go of it, and move into the present.
  
  
• Anger: The Backbone of Healing
  Anger is one of several paths you may encounter on your journey towards healing. It is an acceptance of what has happened. It is a powerful emotion that can help you heal and possibly motivate you to move forward.
  
  
• Spirituality
  Having a sense that there is a power greater than yourself may be an invaluable asset during your healing process. Spirituality holds a unique meaning for every individual and their personal journey.
  
  
• Resolution and Moving Forward
  You may move through one or none of these stages. You may walk, run and jump from stages only to return to where you began, yet these feelings and perceptions will stabilize once you go through what it is you need to feel and experience. You will come to terms with what has happened to you once you are ready. We can not change yesterday. We can live for today and look towards tomorrow. The wound will heal and there will be a scar, yet let it be testament of your survival. Having gained awareness, compassion and power through your healing you will have made the commitment to yourself to live your life on your terms.
  
  
• FORGIVENESS
  The only essential forgiveness is of yourself.

'Tis the Season

It's about that time of year to become more withdrawan and to be more melancholy. I don't suffer from seasonal affective disorder or depression. It's just something about this time of year. I think it really is the decreased daylight as well as the colder weather. I can't walk to work now. And the pain with the fibromyalgia is also increased. I think it's also the upcoming holiday season. Whatever the reason... I just want to hibernate. Wake me up in the spring. I also have to be careful because I have a tendency to go for some retail therapy when either stressed or down. I've already noticed it. I'm begining to think I need to hide the bank card so I can't spend anything. Well okay I do need to see the dentist... but other then that... Worst part is we are just starting to get the cooler weather... so it's going to be a long winter.

Turning Points

My vacation has really given me a chance to just be. Usually I am so caught up in the daily grind that life just passes me by. It's all about what I have to do. Next thing I know days... and then weeks... have gone by. It's like the song says, "Every day is exactly the same." The time off has also given me a chance to reflect. People have asked me if I regret going to school knowing the debt load I now carry and the issues I've had with interest relief. The answer is no. While I would like to be out of debt I don't regret the four years I spent at Huron. Looking back... that might have been the best years of my life.

There was never a question of whether or not I would go to university. It was assumed that I would go to school. I suppose I ultimately had a choice but the thought of not going never crossed my mind. The only question was what school? I chose Huron because I loved the campus at Western. Huron was more of a challenge to get into and smaller classes. I always was up for a challenge and never took the easy road.

There are always turning points in our lives. These pivotal moments shape the course our lives take. Sometimes they are small decisions that we think will have no consequence and other times they are big decisions. Going to university was one of those turning points for me. One of my reflections was on my life at the same time. Back in 1998 when I left for school I was 19 and was filled with anger. I had a chip on my shoulder and was on the fast track for disaster. Around the same time my best friend went into a treatment program and my first love went to jail. I had taken a year off between high school and university so I was working. But my job was only part time. Left me a lot of time to get into trouble. I was developing a drinking problem. My friends from work were into drinking and drugs. Had I not gone to school I likely would've chosen that path.

I can wonder what my life would've been like but I'll never know. I left that life behind, as well as those friends. Not to say life has been easy since that point... Life is never easy. But it was one of the best decisions that I ever made. Look at where I am now. I quit smoking... quit drinking (except for on special occassions).... and have ben working for the same company for 4 years. Compared to where I was at 19 that is quite an achievement.

Paranoia

I took a long walk tonight after work. It was about 9:00 when I came back home but it was already dark. I have always said that I would live my life without fear. Granted that was after the second time I was sexually assaulted... and then it happened again. Either way I was feeling a little vulnerable on the walk home... paranoid even. I kept turning to make sure no one was following me. I really hate the fact other people have that kind of power. The power to make you feel fear, paranoia and vulnerability.

Here & Now the Lies Stop

I always hate it when someone challenges me. I do so well at hiding and just trying to fit in, not be noticed. I've become so adept at being a ghost that I sometimes forget who I really am. I don't trust people very often. Except online I don't talk about myself. I don't want to expose myself and risk getting hurt. But every once in a while someone will challenge me and in doing so strip away the defenses. That's not a bad thing since I don't seem to listen to myself. *lol*

As part of the Blogger Carnival there was a post called "Humiliating Others - Deliberate Abuse that Cuts Deep." Ever since I read it on Monday I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. It really spoke to me. I highly recommend that you read it. One of the most important statements was, "And there I sit, looking at these beautiful, intelligent, sensitive people who think they're garbage. It kills me." It's amazing how much one, small statement can have such a profound impact.

In the comments Linda went on to say, "But you and I both know that what we're talking about here totally affects everything. That less-than feeling is like a lens, but instead of helping you see clearly, perverts your vision.

I'm going to write an entire answer to your comment in a post. I agree, acceptance is a big part of it, accepting you, accepting her, then throwing away a bad script."

I've become so entrained in thinking poorly of myself and using negative talk to keep my self-esteem low. It has a lasting effect. Linda's right, it is a lens. It is a lens that is used to continue on with the pain of the past. It also means that my parents still have control over me.

Linda's post has really challenged me to look at the lens through which I am looking at life. My beliefs about myself. I'm not worthless. I have value. I am intelligent. I still have trouble believing that I am beautiful but that's a whole other story. After being challenged to re-evaluate my beliefts about myself I came to the conclusion that here and now the lies stop. :o)

Christina Aguilera - Beautiful

Beautiful

Everyday is so wonderful
Then suddenly
It's hard to breathe
Now and then I get insecure
From all the pain
I'm so ashamed

I am beautiful
No matter what they say
Words can't bring me down
I am beautiful
In every single way
Yes words can't bring me down
Ohh no
So don't you bring me down today

To all your friends you're delirious
You're so consumed
In all your doom
Trying hard to fill the emptiness
The piece is gone
Left the puzzle undone
That's the way it is

You are beautiful
No matter what they say
Words can't bring you down
Ohh no
You are beautiful
In every single way
Yes words can't bring you down
Ohh no
So don't you bring me down today

No matter what we do
No matter what we say
The sun will shine your way
'Cause you are beautiful today

Everywhere we go
The sun won't always shine
But tomorrow's another day
So keep on looking to the sky

We are beautiful
No matter what they say
Words can't bring us down
Ohh no
We are beautiful
In every single way
Yes words can't bring us down
Ohh no
So don't you bring me down today

Don't you bring me down today
Don't you bring me down
Today

Drank the Kool-Aid and Joined the Cult

Mmmm.... Kool-Aid. I did a search for killer Kool-Aid when I was thinking about this post. I managed to find a number of recipes for alcoholic beverages. Some other time I might have to post them instead.

Langone and West had this to say about cults: "Cults are groups that often exploit members psychologically and/or financially, typically by making members comply with leadership's demands through certain types of psychological manipulation, popularly called mind control, and through the inculcation of deep-seated anxious dependency on the group and its leaders.¹ "A cult is a group or movement exhibiting a great or excessive devotion or dedication to some person, idea or thing and employing unethically manipulative techniques of persuasion and control (e.g. isolation from former friends and family, debilitation, use of special methods to heighten suggestibility and subservience, powerful group pressures, information management, suspension of individuality or critical judgement, promotion of total dependency on the group and fear of [consequences of] leaving it, etc) designed to advance the goals of the group's leaders to the actual or possible detriment of members, their families, or the community."

Whenever you hear the word cult it automatically brings with it a reaction... images that come to mind. It's easy to think of Jim Jones, Heavens Gate, group pressure and brainwashing. We think that we will never fall into this trap. Most forms of abuse also involve some form of psychological abuse. It is the underpinning of everything else. I would argue that anyone who is abused as a child (or even experienced abuse as an adult) has already seen the cult mentality and been apart of it. Not all cults are to the extremes of Jonestown or Heavens Gate.

We just don't want to think of our parents as cult leaders. If we did then we wouldn't be able to idealize them quite so much. But it's not that hard to see some of the links. Manipulation... persuasion... and control are all common in abusive situations. We learn to keep the family secret and isolate ourselves to protect it. It's really not so different from that definition of a cult.

So maybe the healing process should be like what happens when someone gets out of a cult. They go through deprogramming. One method of deprogramming is used by Patrick: "When you deprogram people, you force them to think. ... But I keep them off balance and this forces them to begin questioning, to open their minds. When the mind gets to a certain point, they can see through all the lies that they've been programmed to believe. They realize that they've been duped and they come out of it. Their minds start working again. " Maybe that is what you need to recover from abuse and become the person that others see. Deprogramming is definitely better then the killer kool-aid and the cyanide that goes with it.

Global Community

With the Blogger Carnival I stumbled across an entire community. I knew it existed before but I wasn't really a part of it. As I was reading the posts there and hearing other people's stories I realized that I wasn't alone. There is something comforting when other people understand what you're going through. When I was growing up my issues with therapy was that I didn't think they understood what I was going through. Trust is key... and if you don't think they relate to you then it is very difficult to open up. I am more honest online because I don't have to censor what I say. I can hide behind a wall of anonymity. No one has to see the pain or the look in my eyes. But the internet does create an entire community. Stories of pain... but also of hope and healing. I don't feel quite so alone any more.

Confront Your Fears

I know it's a little too late for the Blog Carnival on Child Abuse... but the topic got me thinking. When I was in school at Huron there was a course on systematic desensitization which is used to treat phobias and anxiety disorder. As taken from Wikipedia, "To begin the process of systematic desensitization, one must first be taught relaxation skills in order to control fear and anxiety responses to specific phobias. Once the individual has been taught these skills, he or she must use them to react towards and overcome situations in an established hierarchy of fears. The goal of this process is that an indivudal will learn to cope and overcome the fear in each step of the hierarchy, which will lead to overcoming the last step of the fear in the hierarchy. Systematic desensitization is sometimes called graduated exposure therapy." In a nutshell it is based on the idea that you can't be relaxed and anxious at the same time. Now systematic desensitization is best at treating specific phobias... but there is a lot of truth to the fact you can't be relaxed and anxious at the same time. So I'm thinking I need to learn some relaxation techniques.

I was also thinking about the fears I have... most of them irrational. I have a fear of being alone. For a long time I went from relationship to relationship. My fear of being alone was linked to the idea that if I was alone then it meant no one loved me. It was an irrational fear... but then most fears are. While there are still times when I want to be in a relationship it's no longer about the fear. Now it's about companionship.

I also have a fear of failure. I feel like everything I do has to be perfect. I am human. I will make mistakes. And it is in those mistakes that we learn and grow. I feel like if I fail at one thing then it defines me and means I am a failure at everything. I'm getting better at accepting my limitations but still have a long way to go. I'm not about to purposefully fail at something just to prove that it's not the end of the world.

Being a victim of sexual assault has brought with it other fears. Fears that prevent me from going out. I'm scared it will happen again. It's not so easy to get past that fear. That seems to be a little more rational and not as easy to get past.

One of the steps in the healing process is to confront your fears or at least turn those irrational thoughts around. I have my doubts that I can do it all by myself, despite what I tell myself. I actually think I should undergo cognitive behavioural therapy... I just have trouble admitting that to other people. Cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) is based on the notion that thoughts determine feelings and behaviour. The goal of CBT is to change the thoughts and this in turn changes feelings and behaviours. Take the lies and turn them into the truth.

Three Days Grace

"Animal I Have Become"

I can't escape this hell
So many times i've tried
But i'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal, this animal)

I can't escape myself
(I can't escape myself)
So many times i've lied
(So many times i've lied)
But there's still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape this hell

(This animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal)

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal I have become)

Personal Legacy of Abuse

The Pain Inside

I can't help but think of the lasting legacy of the abuse... and the aftermath. It actually fills me with sadness. Sadness that a parent could willingly treat their child like that. Sad that I still justify it... and tell myself that other people had it worse so I have no reason to be upset. And while it is true that others have had it worse that doesn't make it right. Should I be happy that they didn't break any bones? Emotional abuse is just as devastating... And those scars remain.

I should be really happy about the way things are going at work. And by now I should be really confident in how I'm doing. I still find myself filled with self-doubt. Yet this month, as evidenced in an earlier post on my main blog (click "here") I really showed how much work I can do. I showed that I can exceed expectations. But I still wonder if there was anything else I could've done. Wondering if there was any way to get that last evaluation done. I should just feel pride in myself. Yet, to a certain degree, there is just emptiness... as if it will never be good enough.

Those are the lies.... the ones that I bought into. The lie that says I am not good enough... that I need to prove myself. The lie that says I will never amount to anything. I have a university degree. I am respected at work. Yet I still question it.

I am a peacemaker. So I have a tough time with this... Part of me really wants to get angry. They lied to me... I am not worthless... they tore me down to build themselves up. They made my life hell... and it was all a lie. Lies.. damn lies... But then part of me still wants to be the peacemaker and not make waves. I'm almost 28... haven't lived at home in almost a decade and yet I am still protecting the notion of the perfect family. It's almost like if I keep the secret and pretend it didn't happen then it will be true.

It's also painful to think about the fallout. It's not like an isolated incident where you just get over it. The abuse has shaped my identity and in some ways it could be likened to a nuclear fallout. It's radioactive. Don't worry I am not saying that I am toxc waste... just that the effects are long lasting and far reaching.

I've used so many ways trying to numb the pain... trying to find peace and answers in the storm. Most of them I am not proud of. I was so desperate for love that I had random sexual encounters and took so many chances. That wasn't without it's price... as to date I have been raped by 5 different men... spread out over the last 15 years. It's really easy for me to blame myself for risk taking behaviours. But that doesn't make it my fault. Nothing gives someone else the right.

I don't even like the taste of alcohol and yet I drank, sometimes even to the point of alcohol poisoning. But as they say you can drink and be numb... but it's only temporary. The pain doesn't go away forever. And instead you just wind up with a hangover.

Because of the disorganization in my family life... and the inconsistent messages I learned that emotions were weaknesses that could be exploited. The less I showed emotion the less I was picked on. So I became numb... feeling nothing. And to help me with that I turned to cutting and self-injury. I am still ashamed of that... mainly because of society's view of self-injury. But you do what you have to in order to get by. It has been 3 months now and I take it one day at a time. I also wear an orange and white bracelet as a reminder (one my team manager at work had to fix for me not long ago).

I'd like to say I am past it... but it's not that easy. Abuse leaves lasting marks... often for a lifetime. It's very hard to change your world view and how you see yourself. I think it can be summed up as a legacy of pain.

My Life as a Cutter

WARNING: The following might be graphic and is potentially triggering. So you may not want to continue reading if you are currently feeling tempted yourself.

Some days I really wish there could be peace. I always feel like I am looking for answers. I am looking for a reason. Why did thing happen the way they did? Is it all about fate? Or just randomness? Sometimes there are no easy answers... or answers at all. Just more questions.

In my head I know that my mom lied to me. I know that I was a victim. But as I struggle to stay afloat and avoid bankrupcy there is this still small voice in my head wondering if maybe she was right. Maybe I really am nothing. Maybe I really will amount to nothing. I should be proud of the job I do at work and the fact I've been there for 4 years. But as I struggle to make ends meet pride gives way to doubt.

The more I doubt myself the more I feel like I am surrounded by blackness. When I was younger I learned that the only way I could bring about balance and stop the emotional pain was to cut. The scars are a reminder and are nothing compared to the pain of being a survivor. But there is so much shame in self-injury. I almost lost my job because of it (the irony being that I hadn't cut in 9 months at the time). But every day I still battle it. The temptation is strong, overwhelming at times. I fear that my strength just won't be enough. I fear that I will go back to it.

The only question that I wanted answered is why? Why did this happen to me? It is a question that will never have an answer. There is no why... there is only the need to get past it. To move on with life and learn from the past.

Just Leave Me Alone

The more stressed I become the more I pull back and go into isolation mode. Of course the more stressed I become the more tired I also become. So it's really about self-preservation. The last 2 years have been a demonstration of this. I don't want to go out and be social. There are other factors involved but stress is a HUGE factor. For the most part I just want everyone to leave me alone... well okay there are a few people that can always brighten my day. As for Steve, I would really like him to just leave me alone. Yesterday I made the mistake of asking what he was doing after work, I was just making conversation. Specifically I asked him if he was going to his storage unit after work since he is trying to clear it out. His actual response was "I'd rather play with you." I was actually a little taken aback. I mean there is no secret that he wants me... but this is the company email. Let's not go for suggestive comments. I turned him down but he doesn't get the hint that it's him I don't want. He either thinks I am sick, tired, stressed... or have some other reason. But it couldn't possibly be him. A while back he had a passing interest in someone else. Yesterday he was saying that she had told people he was expecting things of her. Or at least that was the impression she had. I was only half paying attention and I do agree with that assessment. So I was just like "Mmm-hmmm" and then he couldn't believe I was agreeing with it. I said something about the workplace and perceptions. I really didn't want to see his anger. I've seen it before and it was ugly. To a certain degree I have resigned myself to the fact I am not getting rid of him. I know I need to stand up for myself and say no to him. I wish it was that easy. Nothing in life is that simple. I fear what would happen if I did that. I'm also a doormat. I'd rather just take the abuse so that other people don't have to. And I am scared about what would happen if I did cut off all contact. He has this tendency to show up at will as it is. And, the one thing I hvae learned about a restraining order... it doesn't apply to work. I just can't win. And I just want to be left alone.

Trapped

Right now I feel like I am trapped and can't escape. I have a large number of stressors right now... my student loan and work being the two biggest. My stalker seems to want to take advantage of my weaknesses. The more stress I am under the more the Fibromyalgia acts up and then the more help I need. Steve preys on that. He's very manipulative and lives for taking advantage of me. I wish it wasn't true... and I wish I didn't have to say that. But he also knows not to be predictable. He doesn't hit on me every time he is over. In fact, it is a small percentage of the time. I suspect it's so I can't predict the pattern and so I don't completely sever all ties. I know I need to cut off all contact but it's easier said then done. He knows what buttons to press... and he knows just what to say. It's the art of manipulation. Part of me thinks I need him in my life. He runs errands for me... gives me a ride to work... takes out the recycling. But at what cost? For all that is it worth sacrificing myself? The obvious answer is no... but when all you know is abuse that answer doesn't come so easily. He just repeats what my parents did... and no matter what I am loyal to them. I'm like the obedient dog that just comes back for more. Kick me while I am down... It doesn't matter. In a nutshell... Steve is the predator and I am the prey.

Consent

The post over at SD's blog on Consent really got me thinking. What is consent? Sure there is the dictionary definition but in the real world what does it really mean to give consent? In its most basic form I take it to mean that I agreed to something. I'll even expand that slightly. In order to give consent I must actively agree to something. It seems like one of the only time consent even comes into question is in regards to sex. I already posted the legal definition... at least it's the legal definition in Canada.

In a nutshell I believe that in order to consent both parties must be capable of giving consent. Alcohol obviously impairs this ability. The decision must also be made free of coercion. Lastly, consent is an active process. Not saying no is not the same as saying yes.

If I look back at the times I was assaulted alcohol was a factor in 4 cases. It's very easy for me to rationalize it and say that I was just drunk. That I just regretted it later. But alcohol rapidly impairs my judgment. In fact, three of those times I had alcohol poisoning. With that much alcohol in my system there is no way I was legally able to give consent. With Mike I initially agreed and then stopped. For as drunk as I might have been I said no. Then I passed out and he decided to keep going. That was what I woke up to.

When alcohol was not a factor it was about power and my own naivity. I always believed that people were inherently good. My parents did a lousy job of teaching me those important life lessons, such as who to trust. In fact all I knew was manipulation so for someone else to play me like that came as no surprise. So that involved coercion instead of alcohol.

I'm sure the other party would (and has) argued for implied consent... that they didn't realize I said no. In spite of the fact alcohol is not a legal defense sexual assault is still about he said/she said. In fact my charges against Mike were dropped because of a lack of witnesses. But the one thing I come back to, time and time again, is that I did not actively give consent.

It's still tough to put the blame where it belongs, with the other person. I still have the tendency to want to blame myself... If I hadn't gone out that night.... If I hadn't been drinking... But, at the same time, other people need to be responsible for their own actions. Alcohol means that you are incapable of giving consent. Sex does involve 2 people and both of them have to give consent to the activities.

I think part of the reason it is so tough to blame the other person is because then our sense of justice and of safety gets shot to hell. It also means we have to give up the illusion of control. Not to mention the fact we often know our attacker. We don't want to admit that the people we know are capable of this... to put a face to the monster.

I'd like to say it's easy to get past it and move on with your life. I wish that was true. It has shaped many aspects of my life... how I see the world... how I see myself... my views on sex... and I'm still an insomniac. But that's why they say healing is a process and not an event. But to anyone that has been victimized it is not your fault. You did not deserve this. Nothing gives them the right.

Criminal Code of Canada

Criminal Code of Canada sections relating to Sexual Assault

The definition of consent is found in section 153(2) and (3):

273.1(1) Meaning of "consent" - Subject to subsection (2) and subsection 265(3), "consent" means, for the purposes of sections 271, 272 and 273, the voluntary agreement of the complainant to engage in the sexual activity in question.

(2) Where no consent obtained - No consent is obtained, for the purposes of sections 271, 272 and 273, where

(a) the agreement is expressed by the words or conduct of a person other than the complainant;

(b) the complainant is incapable of consenting to the activity;

(c) the accused counsels or incites the complainant to engage in the activity by abusing a position of trust, power or authority;

(d) the complainant expresses, by words or conduct, a lack of agreement to engage in the activity; or

(e) the complainant having consented to engage in the sexual activity, expresses, by words or conduct, a lack of agreement to continue to engage in the activity.

This is a very broad definition that illustrates what would constitute non-consensual sexual activity. It recognizes that women cannot always speak up and say no. They may be disabled or frozen in some way from speaking up, they may be intimidated or coerced into saying yes when they don't want to, they may be too afraid to say no. According to the Criminal Code of Canada there is no consent in any of these scenarios. The Criminal Code of Canada views sexual assault as an assault that is sexual in nature. The sexual assault offences include: sexual assault; sexual assault with a weapon, threats to a third party or causing bodily harm; and aggravated sexual assault.

272(1) Sexual assault with a weapon, threats to a third party or causing bodily harm -
Every person commits an offence who, in committing a sexual assault,

(a) carries, uses or threatens to use a weapon or an imitation of a weapon;

(b) threatens to cause bodily harm to a person other than the complainant;

(c) causes bodily harm to the complainant; or (d) is a party to the offence with any other person.

273(1) Aggravated sexual assault - Every one commits an aggravated sexual assault who, in committing a sexual assault, wounds, maims, disfigures or endangers the life of the complainant.

Law & Order: SVU

I was watching Law and Order: SVU tonight... well it's still currently on... and there was an interesting statistic. They said that if you are raped then you are 7x more likely to be raped again. That is a really interesting statistic. Makes me wonder why that would be the case. Is it related to personality... fear... PTSD... social networks... support systems.... something else? We can always hypothesize but we'll never really know for sure. It's not like we can actually do an experiment to find out. I believe there are a number of factors... I come from a broken home with abuse, never knowing who to trust. I had no support system and my friends were more on the surface then anything else. That was what set me up for disaster in the first place... I trusted the wrong person. I thought people were good. And I got burned. Then I vowed that I wouldn't trust anyone... that no one could have the power to hurt me. But I didn't care about myself and walked into some bad situations trying to prove to myself that I wasn't a victim. And ended up becoming a victim all over again. It was all too easy to blame myself because I didn't fight back... and in some cases I didn't openly say no. The most f'ed up part is that I actually find myself somewhat relieved that it happened to me instead of someone else. I know that's my own self-worth issues and that undoubtedly relates back to the statistic I mentioned at the beginning of the post.

Dream

It's unusual for me to remember my dreams... and I might only remember because the cable company called and woke me up today. Actually I have been having more lucid dreams lately... probably because of the medication I am on. But any ways... in this dream I was with my family, only I was younger. The people living next door were strange. Their son was a prisoner and being mistreated. In time we went in to rescue him and took him from the house (translation: we kidnapped him). When we got him to safety we found paperwork... and this paper work indicated he was adopted. Then he was using a computer program to randomly match with good parents. It had characteristics of each person and then you choose who you wanted. At this point I was woken up. I don't think I even need to go into the dream analysis for that one. It's pretty explanatory. Apparently I can't even get away from my family in my dreams.

Victim Mentality

With Mike finally quitting I feel like I should be closing the door on that chapter in my life. But it's not that easy. You don't just get over having your power taken away and being raped. It's not like you just walk away from that. I've had a hard time even reliving the event.... and it's now been a year. It really has changed my life. I don't go out. I wound up being on a seven week leave of absence because of the cutting.... the irony is that I wasn't even cutting. I just gave away the knife so I wouldn't end up going back to it. The charges were dropped. I saw him almost every day at work and there were people at work that spread rumours about me.

And now... I still feel like a victim. It happened in my own home. That sense of security was shattered. If I am not safe at home then where am I safe? I was further victimized by the justice system. The charges were dropped because there weren't enough witnesses. What exactly were they expecting? Did they want it caught on camera? Then there was work. They just shrugged their shoulders and said "It didn't happen here." As soon as they could legally get away with it he was allowed to wander the building... including into the same area where I work. Just to make it worse... right before the 1 year anniversary they moved him down the hall from me so I saw him numerous times a day. So every day I was further reminded.

I'm not sure my relationships will ever be the same. I already had issues with trust and intimacy from my family background and past experiences. Now I am back to not being able to let it go. The thought of intimacy terrifies me. How can I trust anyone? I hate to think of myself as a victim because society still associates that with weakness. There is a great deal of victim blaming. I know it wasn't my fault. I know that nothing justifies what he did. I just don't know how to get past that.

Adults Shamed in Childhood

Characteristics of adults shamed in childhood:

1. Adults shamed as children are afraid of vulnerability and fear of exposure of the self.

2. Adults shamed as children may suffer extreme shyness, embarrassment and feelings of being inferior to others. They don't believe they make mistakes. Instead they believe they are mistakes.

3. Adults shamed as children fear intimacy and tend to avoid real commitment in relationships. These adults frequently express the feeling that one foot is out of the door prepared to run.

4. Adults shamed as children may appear either grandiose and self-centered or seem selfless.

5. Adults shamed as children feel that, "No matter what I do, it won't make a difference; I am and always will be worthless and unlovable."

6. Adults shamed as children frequently feel defensive when even a minor negative feedback is given. They suffer feelings of severe humiliation if forced to look at mistakes or imperfections.

7. Adults shamed as children frequently blame others before they can be blamed.

8. Adults shamed as children may suffer from debilitating guilt These individuals apologize constantly. They assume responsibility for the behavior of those around them.

9. Adults shamed as children feel like outsiders. They feel a pervasive sense of loneliness throughout their lives, even when surrounded with those who love and care.

10. Adults shamed as children project their beliefs about themselves onto others. They engage in mind-reading that is not in their favor, consistently feeling judged by others.

11. Adults shamed as children often feel ugly, flawed and imperfect. These feelings regarding self may lead to focus on clothing and makeup in an attempt to hide flaws in personal appearance and self.

12. Adults shamed as children often feel angry and judgmental towards the qualities in others that they feel ashamed of in themselves. This can lead to shaming others.

13. Adults shamed as children often feel controlled from the outside as well as from within. Normal spontaneous expression is blocked.

14. Adults shamed as children feel they must do things perfectly or not at all. This internalized belief frequently leads to performance anxiety and procrastination.

15. Adults shamed as children experience depression.

16. Adults shamed as children block their feelings of shame through compulsive behaviors like workaholis, eating disorders, shopping, substance abuse, list-making or gambling.

17. Adults shamed as children lie to themselves and others.

18. Adults shamed as children often have caseloads rather than friendships.

19. Adults shamed as children often involve themselves in compulsive processing of past interactions and events and intellectualization as a defense against pain.

20. Adults shamed as children have little sense of emotional boundaries. They feel constantly violated by others. They frequently build false boundaries through walls, rage, pleasing or isolation.

21. Adults shamed as children are stuck in dependency or counter-dependency.

By: Jane Middleton-Moz; Shame and Guilt

Shame & Guilt

Quite often we use the words shame and guilt interchangeably. Fossum and Mason stated, "While guilt is a painful feeling of regret and responsibility for one's actions, shame is a painful feeling about oneself as a person." It has also been said "guilt is 'the feeling that what you have DONE is wrong,' and that shame is 'the feeling that what you ARE is wrong.'"

When you come from a life of abuse there is a lot of shame involved. It's very hard to admit that you were a victim. For so long you have thought that this was normal and all families are like this. Inevitably there are also thoughts that you brought this on yourself.

You feel that you are inferior and don't respect yourself. Even though you don't know the first thing about trust and healthy relationships you still think that you should've known better. Take the rape for example. I feel like I should've known better. I do feel somewhat responsible even though it was not my fault. I was the victim but I have a hard time taking on that role.

Shame is a powerful emotion. I know that shame is holding me back. I am ashamed of decisions that I have made. I am also ashamed of the trust issues... the communication issues... and even of events that I had no control over.

So that silence... of bearing the weight myself... stems from a world of shame and embarassment. And when that is all you know how do you get past that? Does healing ever occur?

Easy Way Out

I'm still spending way too much time trying to process everything that happens... just trying to make sense of the world. I've come to realize that my silence and not trusting anyone is about taking the easy way out. It's much easier to keep it to myself then it is to admit that I don't know the first thing about healthy relationships or trust. I don't even know how I should feel. That world is all I know. All I know is pain. I am basically self taught. I come from a world of neglect. As a result I've walked into some brutal situations... and I feel like I should've known better. That vow of silence is also about deficiencies. I overcompensate for my past and have this idea that I have to be perfect. Needless to say I'll never live up to that. I know it's cost me... but I don't know how to change it. I don't know how to ask for help... I had no examples to go by when I was growing up so to a certain degree I make it up as I go along.

I am still intimidated by public speaking... I've always been a ghost in the background.... trying not to stand out. I'm afraid of being wrong.... I'm afraid of being reprimanded. I don't feel safe. I feel exposed. I know what I am doing and I really need to overcome that if I want to move up in the company. It's not like I need to second guess myself every step of the way. I'm not always going to be right and that's okay. I need to bring perception in line with reality. Well basically I need to stop taking the easy way out. Take a chance and admit that I don't know what the fuck I'm doing.

Defeated... Again

I think I have hit rock bottom. No money for groceries... and still no money for bills. It's an incredibly tough place to be. I'm working 55 hours a week just to try and recover from the whole battle with interest relief. Long hours and it just makes me more fatigued. So far it hasn't been too bad. But then it's not all that great either. If I was working for the extra money... and would have it to spend that might be one thing. But needing it to pay bills makes it a whole other story. And just adds to the stress.

I love my job and I do find it really rewarding. About the only stumbling block seems to surround pay. As a result of the current circumstance I feel pretty defeated. all the old memories from when I was growing up... The thoughts that I'm not good enough. I feel like I'm nothing... and I am always going to be nothing. Not that it takes much for me to doubt myself. I'm good at that.

It's been a long, drawn out week. Once pay day hit and I was officially broke I actually felt a little better. I guess because financially it couldn't get worse. I will freely admit that I am proud and try not to feel emotion, let alone show it. But it has just been an emotional rollercoaster. There have been many a night with me in tears. I am also a control freak and there just hasn't been a solution. I mean I am now digging myself out of it with overtime... but no permanent solution. It's not like my student loans are going away. Even if I do get the interest relief this time that's only a 6 month reprieve and then I face the same battle all over again. I need to find some way out of that.

Another Useless Argument

I called in sick this morning but had to get ahold of my ride to let him know I didn't need a ride. All I wanted to do is go back to bed. After all it was 8:30 in the morning and I called in sick so that I could get some sleep. I was also in the middle of a Fibromylgia flare-up so there was a great deal of pain. Steve was trying to tell me what career path to take. He seemed to think that I should apply for Tier 2 so that I could get the apple certifcation. Then I could get a job elsewhere and potentially make more money. In theory it sounds nice, especially given my current circumstance. But it is a lateral move... In the interim I would be making the same amount of money. And, in the company, I would be limiting my career advancement. So yes it might be helpful if I was planning to relocate but otherwise I am not sure how it would be a good move. I'd have to go through the training... and then would not be able to apply for anything else for 6 months. As a performance coach I have a better shot at moving up to TL or TM. In all honesty I do not like troubleshooting. My degree is in psychology not computers. I prefer the coaching and would rather be a performance coach, especially if I am making the same amount of money. While it would be nice to be Apple certified it's not the be-all and end all in my world. I'm not sure why it turned into an argument any ways. Can't I decide what to do with my life? I have been working towards a team leader (if I relocate) or a team manager (if I stay here) position. It seems like that decision would be a step backwards. Not only should it be my choice and that decision should be final... but it's also not a discussion I want to have at 8:30 in the morning.

Defeated

For quite a while now I've been feeling restless. I think I have gone past that to the point of just feeling defeated. It started when my application for interest relief was denied. I thought in a couple of weeks that would be resolved and life would be back to normal. 2 months later I am running out of options. If it gets denied this time around I am just screwed. I am scared to death that it will be denied. I really need that money... and feel like I am drowning in debt. I should qualify for interest relief... so why do I have to fight for it? And why has it taken this long? Now I just feel empty... I go to work, except today when I called in sick... knowing that no matter how much I make it still won't be enough. It's very stressful and very tiring. Now there is just nothing left. In 2 weeks I figure I'll have hit rock bottom. Since by then I'll already have bills that are past due plus a new round of bills... and not be able to afford either. Now if my interest relief is approved finally then I should have $700 coming back to me. Of course, if it had been approved in the first place I wouldn't be this stressed and wouldn't be behind on my bills. The agony of defeat.

Justified Anger

I found out today that my former team manager has applied for a position at the Niagara Falls site. That news brings with it a certain amount of anger. I'm still not sure if it's justified or not... but I feel anger nonetheless. Nothing I did was ever going to be good enough for her. I worked my ass off day in and day out and it still wasn't enough. She cost me about $2000 with the LOA and I ended up on disciplinary action. If that wasn't enough she also cost me my raise and the possibility of a promotion. There was something satisfying about the fact she was an acting team manager until Diane comes back from maternity leave. I do not believe that she has earned the position. Chris will step on anyone to get what she wants. So the thought of her having a permanent position brings with it some unresolved anger issues. Not to mention the fact I was considering a position there when posted again... and Pat got a position there. I would really have to give it some thought if she was going to be the manager over me. I don't respect her and would have trouble with round 2.

I suspect that one way or another she will weasel her way in and will be around for a long time to come. Either she will head off to Niagara or a position will open up here and she will be given a permanent position. After all, Heather is also applying for a position there. So if she goes then a position would likely become available here. I pity anyone that works under Chris, I really do. I've been there... I know what the results are.

What I really don't understand is why they still think she is such a golden child. She is trying to turn it into a police state. None (or very few) of the PCs respect her. And when your subordinates don't respect you that's not a good sign. She showed her ineptitude with my LOA. How did it get to the point where I was considered a threat to myself or to others? Should it not have been dealt with sooner? I learned first hand that what your superior says goes and there is nothing you can do (or very little). Christie has said it's a night and day difference from what is in my file. That, to me at least, begs the question... Am I really that different now? Was the LOA really necessary? Or is it because I am away from my former TM? Dave was one of the most senior PCs and she made him feel like he couldn't do anything right. She openly insulted me in front of the agents. Some of her ideas just seem to be in left field. Since I went on my LOA back in January there are only 2 people still left on the team. Now 3 of them were promoted... but still. Those numbers don't seem to be very good. So why do they think so highly of her? She is one of the worst managers I've ever had... and yet they love her. I just don't get it...

Towing the Company Line

I've been working at the same place for almost 4 years now. Throughout my stay there I have been towing the company line, to the best of my abilities any ways... and I just seem to get fucked for it. Don't get me wrong... I still enjoy my job... and I do stand behind the company. There are just certain things that have irked me for a while now...

The first one was a meeting I had with my then team leader, Mike and team manager. I actually had the manager say "I find you negative and unapproachable and I don't want to give you an interview". At the time I was applying for a promotion... There was a lot more to it then that but that was the part I still remember 2 years later. I had to spend the entire time just keeping my mouth shut. At the time I was one of the top agents, stats wise and from what I can tell he was the only one that held that opinion. I didn't say a word. Later on I did get an apology from another manager.

Then I ended up in the middle of a situation where a team leader was trying to make me paranoid and was telling me that various people were watching me... or were out to get my job. When HR did get involved in that one I spared my team leader from being involved. I took on the full weight myself and took the brunt of the negative reaction when the other team leader was fired. I was under orders not to say anything and I didn't.

And then there was the rape. The irony is that the only reason I was even there that night was an email that was sent company wide about Shaun's birthday. Mike was too drunk to show up for work and in spite of being on a last chance agreement kept his job. I come back to work and get hauled into an office with a team manager and HR. I got told we were being kept separate (which they have to do since there was a court order in place) and not to say anything. Mike and Shaun had a nice slander campaign going and, in the last year, I have said nothing... I have not defended myself... or spoke negatively about him. I even had the police calling work and showing up there looking for me. And still I said nothing, even when asked by my current team manager. When the charges were dropped work immediately allowed him free reign of the building. And while I agree with the decision to allow unrestricted access to the entrances I believe they should have gone farther. All I really got was a shrug of the shoulders and the attitude that it didn't happen here. Recently they moved him back to the same floor as me... and any time I have to go to the printer or go to use the washroom he is right there, in my line of sight. Maybe it's just me... but that seems a little insensitive. Every day when I am at work I have to relive the experience and be reminded of that night. I have not asked for anything... I have played the political game... I have said nothing. But is it really so much to ask that he at least be in a location where I will not see him repeatedly throughout the day? Apparantly it is....

I know it's affecting me more because this weekend was the one year anniversary. But I am also still in shock that he was moved so close to me and having a tough time with it. And after getting so many lectures about being negative I don't feel like I can say anything. I am still scared of potential repurcusions... so I tend to keep my mouth shut at all times. Or at least I try to. I'm much safer that way.

The Illusion of Safety and Security

I was thinking last night about the illusion we have of being safe and secure. Now I know I am somewhat jaded. Right from the time I was little though that illusion was shattered. There was no one to protect me. I wasn't even safe in my own home. So why would I be safe in society? Safety is something we take for granted. We also have this idea of right and wrong... and assume that good will triumph. There is a naive sense of justice.

All right so I am jaded and bitter. I have learned first hand how cruel the world can be. I had those lessons from an early age. I grew up in a family of abuse. My innocence was taken away, along with my sense of identity. It was shaped around lies. Those lessons didn't stop there.

It has been almost a year since the rape. Once again my notion of saftey and security was destroyed. It wasn't the first time it happened but this time I was in my own home and this time I definitely said no. I'd like to say I am over it but there are still moments when I know I'm not. Moments when I feel alone, isolated and afraid. If it can happen in my own home then it can happen anywhere.

My bunny is the equivalent of a security blanket. He reminds me of a time of innocence. A time when the world made sense and it was a safe place. My version of therapy... the bunny... and Azrael.

Enlightening Conversation

I've come to the realization that some people just don't think before they open their mouth. The other day I was having a conversation with Jason about tattoos as I was on my way out. Jennifer stood up and started waving frantically, it was like she was an air traffic controller. Some days she just reminds me of high school... and has this need to be the center of attention. So I head over to see what she wants. She wanted to say goodbye and she wanted to tell me about the newspaper article she had been reading. On the front page of the Peterborough Examiner there was an article on self-harm... or at least on a woman who self-injures. Apparently, Jennifer was disturbed by the article. Okay, I can understand the shock and the questioning that is involved when someone first hears of it. And the picture was pretty graphic. But is work really an appropriate forum for that conversation? I am a performance coach... not a therapist. And while I can draw on my psychologist background it's not something I am entirely comfortable discussing, at least not at work with someone I don't know all that well... in the middle of the floor. I don't think the thought ever crossed her mind that a) a lot of people could hear her and b) someone there might use self-injury as a coping mechanism and be put on the spot. Of course, the irony is that it was me that was put on the spot. Jason added his two cents about someone he knows that has a "cutting toolkit." I don't think that put her mind at ease at all... He also stated that most people cut their inner thigh or their bicep. I've looked into it and that's not true... The most common area is actually the forearm. It's only when it has to be more concealed that people start cutting elsewhere. And the inner thigh is more of a suicide attempt because of the vein. But at least he deflected the attention off me. I was feeling pretty self conscious. I was wearing a tank top and I can see the scars on my arm. Plus there were the inevitable questions... "How can someone do that?" So they were both discussing abuse... molestation... etc. And of course that gets me thinking about my own life... the reasons for the self-injury... and it brings back the memories of the abuse and the sexual assault. Then Jennifer asked "How messed up do you have to be to do that?" Obviously that is a value statement. And it shows the stigma that is involved. Someone could numb themselves with drugs, alcohol or sex and we wouldn't ask that question. And while she may not have meant to... that question is directed right at me. I take on the psychologist role and come back to ways people cope and how it was their decision... and how she shouldn't feel bad about it. I don't think she was convinced though... And then she said "What if I end up doing that?" What exactly am I supposed to say to that? Of course I said it wasn't likely... but what can I say to that? That conversation was from Thursday and I am still thinking about it. I had to be careful about what I said since I didn't want to "out" myself. I was not comfortable with the conversation but how do you stop it without running the risk of saying too much? I don't believe work was the place for that conversation. I just wish that people would think before they speak as well.

Mr. Professional

Steve continues to grate on my nerves. Fortunately I rarely have to see him, except the occassional ride. He did show up Friday night for no apparent reason. I missed the call and it was a garbled message. But there was no reason for him to just stop by. And I was never really comfortable when he used to do that. Heading into my third week of days so I'll be able to avoid him again this week.

On Saturday he did give me a ride into work. Once upon a time he was a performance coach. That was a short lived thought. He continues to claim that there was no reason for his demotion. Steve also said that recently he and Cheryl were out in the smoking area and she said she could find nothing in his file. Now, maybe it's just me, but the smoking area is not the right place to have that conversation. And all that proves is that it wasn't documented very well. Considering it was two years ago and the manager was fired not long afterwards that's not really a surprise.

He has said before that females complained... Hmm... seems to me HR has to take any complaints seriously. He also openly disgareed with the team manager that he was assigned to. Personally I do not find him approachable which is one of the things they look for when hiring performance coaches. And his troubleshooting leaves a lot to be desired. He seems to believe reinstallng the OS is often the solution.. while I rarely reinstall. Then there was the paintjob he decided to do on the van. He decided to paint slogans on the van about child abuse. As someone in leadership at the company that isn't really professional. I'm not sure if he was Mr. Negative before that... or after but it's definitely noticeable. Makes it hard to be put up for advancement. Either way... he absolutely denies that he had anything to do with it and thinks he was just demoted to set an example... He was a guinea pig, at least in his eyes.

Now he's up for Tier 2. That scares me just as much. For one, Steve has the attitude that he is the best tech support agent in the place, next to me any ways. He does give me a lot of credit but some of it is just flattery in the hopes that it will win him some points. I'm not fond of people with a god complex... and going on and on tht he deserves the position. I just had to send feedback on him for providing incorrect information, and for reinstalling unecessarily. So the second reason I am scared is that he would then be passing on his troubleshooting steps to other agents. I'm concerned about what his advice would be... I am also concerned that he'd be telling almost everyone to reinstall. The last reason I am scared is that he would then be downstairs. This one is not a big concern but with him upstairs I can really limit how often I see him. He knows I will not go upstairs since there is the possibility of seeing Mike. And currently he is not allowed downstairs after he had a shouting match with jarratt while on the floor.

Maybe I am just spiteful. I want him to be turned down just so that it knocks him down a peg or two. With him going for Tier 2 it makes me a little more reluctant to apply for another Tier 2 performance coach position... if he gets it any ways. But then I also donn't want to leave Christie's team. And right now I have to continue to prove myself for a while longer before I can apply for anything.

Help

Pride is one of my weaknesses... and being stubborn. As evidenced by the last post I am having a tough time right now... and being postive is becoming a losing battle. Worst part is that I don't see an end in sight. I've always been high strung... mainly because there always seems to be a lot of stress in my life. I am a type A personality... I admit it. But the more shit that happens the more stressed I become and the more it becomes a vicious cycle because I've never learned good ways to deal with it and actually relieve the stress.

More importantly I am unable to ask for help... It's a combination of me being stubborn... my lack of trust... and my own self worth. I never think that I am worth someone's time and figure they don't want to hear my tale of woe. So I stay silent and try to carry the cross alone. Right now that is proving to be a bit much.

The one year anniversary of the assault is coming up... and I hadn't been thinking about it at all... Then a random comment the other day about rumours made it come to mind... After all the rumour was that I was a "lying bitch." The police showing up really brought it to the forefront. Then I couldn't escape it or deny it. But I still have not allowed myself to relive the experience. I can't... I see it as if it were a movie... in segments. Every time I can't handle it. I have to look away. I know it's my mind protecting itself... by repressing the memory and not dealing with it. I'm also afraid to... Afraid of being overwhelmed and not being able to deal with it.... Afraid of going back to the cutting.

So do I need help? I'm sure I do... Will I ever ask for it? Not a chance.

My Own Private Hell

Why is it that when it rains it just pours in my life.... I swear to god someone is out to get me.... Nothing ever runs smoothly for any length of time. Just when I think things are going well the rug gets pulled out from under me. And then somehow it becomes my own private hell with no way out.

Where do I begin on that one??? I am really trying to stay positive but it's becoming increasingly hard... I think it all started with the news that I wasn't being put forward for an interview for the team leader position. 5 months after my return they still didn't think I was up for the position. What more do I have to do? It's hard not to be really discouraged by that for many reasons. For one... my mom had gone on a long speech that I wasn't good enough. Looks like work, or at least certain people there, agreed. Plus, to a certain degree, my former TL had something to do with it. All I can do now is keep working hard and continue to prove myself.

Then there was my annual review. I was really stressed about that... and I'm not sure the stress ever really went away. I knew she was going to have a lot of negative things to say. Some of them true... but not all of them. It's hard to sit in a room and be reminded of what they thought. I know she tried to focus on the positive changes... but that isn't what I'm going to remember. And, of course, I didn't get my raise.

The same day I was listening to an agent looking for trends... somehow that turned into a 2.5 hour coaching session. Really wasn't what I was planning for the day. I missed my chiropractor appointment and it became a 12 hour day.

I may have had a three day weekend but this entire week I hven't been sleeping all that well and feel like I am fighting everything when I do get up. Makes it difficult to deal with customers and with agents. I've had a tough time getting Aces done as well which makes it worse. One more day to go... Now if I could just get some rest.

Financially it has also been rough... which always stresses me out. Goddamn student loans... It's probably the stress from being this broke... and not even knowing the status of my interest relief application that is making me cranky. It's hard to relax when you have absolutely no money... are late on bills... and know that the student loan center could just yank the money out as well. I have to call tomorrow and find out what they want.

Just when I thought it couldn't get worse... the police show up... basically just to remind me the charges were dropped. There was no such thing as justice. And thanks for the fucking reminder. Like I really needed it. Since the excuse they gave me was that there was a lack of witnesses I'd like to know what the hell they wanted... an accomplice to be videotaping the encounter? Last time I checked the legal definition of rape included intoxication and/or being unconscious. You couldn't give consent... But apparently that is meaningless. It's all pointless. It was an exercise in futility... he won... I lost... He gets his freedom and I get a lifetime of memories and pain.

This really has become my own private hell... Is there any way to make it stop? Why is it that I never get any peace? It doesn't seem to matter what I do there is no rest... all I see is chaos... and pain. A life of pain is no life at all... Somehow that is all it ever seems to be. Is there a point to existence? What did I do in a past life to deserve this??? Sleep... about the only time I feel nothing. Sleep... glorious sleep...

The Stress of Student Loans

I am so frustrated I could cry. I won't because I'm stubborn and prefer escapism... but it has been a really long couple of weeks.... just look at the recent posts on my main page. The big one for me is the student loans. That is an instant stressor. I don't have $600 a month to pay that off... And I know I make close to the max amount to qualify. I make about $2300 gross a month. Too bad only about $1600 is take home... Just my student loan and rent would be $1346. I get pretty stressed just thinking about it. And knowing that they called is an added frustration. Now I have to call them back and fight with them some more. Then I'll probably have to send in a copy of all my pay stubs again... and eventually might get the money back from the bank... if I am lucky. I fucking hate dealing with the government on this one... And I know it's not like things at my job are going to improve and help me pay those loans off. I can't avoid them forever but I also can't afford to pay them back... Like I needed any more stress currently.

Victimology

I've come to the conclusion there are three potential responses to being victimized. Granted I am not basing this on anything remotely empirical. Just my own gut feelings and experiences.

Obviously the healthy response is to work through it and move on with life. That is the easy answer and not as easy to practice, especially when you've been through something terrible. But it's really the only way you'll be actually living life again.

There are also the people that take on the role of victim. They adapt the belief that life isnt fair and that it will always be that way. We all know people like that. They wind up being victimized again and this just leads to them further taking on the status of victim. I want to compare them to Eeyore. These people also tend to have an external locus of control which means they attribute their failures to external sources... it's never their fault.

The opposite are the people that refuse to see themselves as a victim. It's as destructive as those that take on the victim role but often times people see them as being strong since they refuse to let being a victim keep them down. However, these people take it to the extreme and become reckless in an attempt to prove to themselves and to others that they are not victims. They are surviving life, but aren't really living it.

For a long time my motto was "No fear." I refused to let anyone else have power/control over me. I had sex with random men just to prove I was psychologically over being sexually assaulted. I engaged in a LOT of reckless, extremely destructive behaviour. I ended up being victimized time and time again because of that attitude. I walked into a number of bad situations. I knew better... but my attitude was basically that no one was going to beat me. I had a huge chip on my shoulder. For the most part I didn't care if I lived or died. I saw myself as a survivor. The problem with just seeing yourself as a survivor is that you never get away from that. There is a huge difference between surviving life and living life.

Art of Manipulation

Manipulate can be defined as, "influence, manage, use, or control to one's advantage by artful or indirect means." To a certain degree I think we all use manipulation at times to get our way. It's effective... especially for some people.

I was reading an excerpt from the book "In Sheep's Clothing" and realized there was a lot of truth to it. We don't want to admit that we have been manipulated or that someone has control over us so it can be difficult to break free.

I know a few people that have perfected the art of manipulation. The worst part is that it almost always involves some type of faked interest or concern about my life... but they know I'll be the doormat. It's part of my nature to be the helper... I'll be there to listen no matter what it costs me.

Val does a great job of being manipulative. Because of her I spent 4 months living in fear... and she made it so that I couldn't trust anyone else. She also was the reason for my LOA. Meanwhile, while she was busy destroying me... I made a great therapist. Not that she was ever going to listen to my advice but misery loves company. Talk about a relationship built on power and control... with nothing in common. I never have MSN on these days because I don't want empty conversations about nothing. People kept telling me to break free of the relationship but I had trouble believing that she was like that. Whenever she was losing control just take on the sick role.

Steve is another person that has really perfected manipulation... I HATE him but I can't seem to break free. There are very few people that have hurt me as much as he has. But he knows what buttons to push and how to keep me from severing all ties permanently... or pressing charges for that matter. There's always an element of fear just under the surface. He preys on the family life I had and the fact I was victimized. I am sure he is trying to find a way to make sure I don't go to Niagara Falls permanently. He already commented on how there will be a lot of competetion... knowing that it would lead me to doubt myself. But I know that trick... He also made comments about management having an issue with me... but followed that with Niagara being the best thing for me... so that it sounds like he wants me to go... but in reality just wants me to doubt myself so that I don't get the job.

It all comes back to my mother though... She is the winner in that category. The job opportunity in Niagara Falls is a perfect example. She started by using the family as a reason not to go. Hmm.. that was one of my biggest motivators to go. When that didn't work then she went into the job I currently have. She seemed to think I'd want to do this forever. i love my job but no I don't want to do it forever. That one didn't work either. So then she had to go on the attack. Then she focused in on the competetion and how I couldn't do the job. Now she has no experience in the field... has never heard about my performance at work... and has no way of knowing whether or not I could do the job. I think she figured she won, or at least scored some points, with that one because she then let it go.

Truth & Consequences

We all lie... or withhold the truth. It's part of human nature. Some days I think we are driven by secrets and lies. But those lies can have serious consequences.. especially if you don't know they are lies. Just take a look at my family.

You have to be thin to be desirable. This one was actually an unwritten rule... but just as damaging. My sister couldn't live up to that expectation and was ridiculed as a result. I had an eating disorder for a decade to compensate but I never felt any better.

You're a slut. This one was one of the many insults my mother actually used. One of the biggest issues with this statement is that there is no point in being anything else. It really is self-defeating. If someone sees you as something you either fight it or give in to it. Told something long enough you end up giving in to it. That is what I became. I had a whole variety of reasons: to get over the sexual assault... to be numb... and because I'd been told it my entire life.

You're a bitch. As a kid how do you respond to that?

You're worthless. It's another self-destructive lie. But you spend your entire life trying to attain the unattainable. You believe that somehow you have to be good enough... to earn your worth. But it's a fallacy because you can never reach that, no matter what you do. The definition of wortless is "no worth or value." It's one of the most damaging lies. There is no escape and it becomes engrained in your head. Now I spend way too much time and energy trying to get their approval... and it will never happen.

You'll never amount to anything. The other damaging lie. When you are 13 years old and that gets beat into your head how do you combat it? I became a perfectionist.... I was always trying to prove them wrong. I had to succeed. I graduated from university to prove to them I could do it. But I still see myself as a failure.

These lies stay with you. When told by a parent, or someone we trust, we believe them. In turn these lies become our reality. I don't see myself as having value just for being me... I always feel like I have to prove myself. I have to earn my worth. No kid should ever have to go through that.

The Aftermath

Being broken brings with it a flood of emotions. For years I have worked on being numb, feeling nothing. I felt I needed to be strong to survive and that meant blocking out emotion. Emotion equalled weakness. But that was only in myself... I didn't hold the same standards for other people. That was part of the reason I turned to cutting. As weird as it sounds it actually numbs you. Physical pain I could handle... emotional pain was overwhelming. I still feel like people expect me to be the picture of strength and never show emotion. But that is unrealistic. And I am learning that being numb is not the same as being strong. I had a good reason to be numb... It was about self preservation. I was protecting myself from the instbility of home life. But I am no longer in that situation... well okay part of me is still working on releasing those chains and being free... I don't need to be numb now. I do have a great deal of inner strength.... I can make it through a great deal and keep going. I was worried that if I felt anything then I would suddenly feel everything and be overwhelmed. I was scared I might go back to the self-injury to deal with it. But that was more of a crutch... an excuse not to allow myself to feel. Not to say I don't feel a little overwhelmed right now and it's not a comfortable place for me to be. But that's okay. I can feel the emotion without self destructing. Showing emotion does not make me weak. In fact, it's a healthy response.

Steinbeck had a great quote, "The greater tumor a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears." There was no such thing as consistency in my family life. Even love was conditional. I always felt like I had to prove myself in order to be accepted. Even in friendships I tend to think there are conditions... "They'll only be my friend if..." Some friendships tend to be just as chaotic as my family was as a result.... because I still believe that it's conditional. It's not even give and take. Most of my friendships seem to end up being all about them... and I just accept it. Pat has commented a couple of times about being there... as someone to talk to. I'm always looking for the catch and wondering what the conditions are.

It's almost as though a tornado has gone through and now it's time for the aftermath. Only that tornado is life. Picking up the pieces of a shattered life. Both of these are going to be extremely difficult. It involves changing some major aspects of my life and restructuring entire belief systems. But this is why healing is a process and not an event.

"Broken"

As I mentioned before I currently feel a strong sense of loss. It's the inner child trying to come through and be free. That small voice that says "You had no right to treat me like that." It's the sound of innocence. And there is the realization of the destruction and devastation that was left in the wake. I think my emotional state of being can be summed up in one word "Broken".

For once I truly understand that being broken isn't necessarily a bad thing. Only when you're broken can you be fixed. It was my pride and my false beliefs that were holding me back. A prison isn't always about keeping someone locked up.... it's also about keeping people out. I had the belief that I couldn't trust anyone. When you lock everyone out there ends up being a high price to pay. You can't go through life completely alone, especially with a burden like this. Well you can, but it's incredibly lonely. It's difficult to change that though. It means allowing yourself to be vulnerable and take a chance. When you trust someone you give them power. They have the ability to hurt you. I'm all too familiar with the lonely road... of not letting anyone into that inner sanctum and of being guarded. Now I guess I am just a work in progress.

The thought of trusting someone... and of healing is actually pretty scary. It means leaving my comfort zone and taking some risks. I am a risk taker but those are usually negative risks, ones that are self destructive. Funny how that works. I know it was because I didn't value myself so a part of me didn't care what happened. I was already dead inside. I was numb so that no one could hurt me. This also allowed me to walk into potentially dangerous situations without considering the potential consequences. It could be argued that for a long time I was engaing in behaviour that was tantamount to russian roulette. So now I have to turn that risk taking behaviour into something positive.

The Recovery Process

I needed the vacation not only to relax but also to start the process of healing... For so long I thought that by acknowledging the abuse it was good enough. That was all I needed... And while there is freedom in reconizing it that alone does not bring with it healing.

As I write this I do feel a profound sense of loss. In many ways I am still just a child. I may be 27 years old but a part of me is trapped... a prisoner to the past. No family is perfect but most people grow up in a world of safety. To a child parents are godlike. We deify them. Whatever they say must be true. This has important ramifications when parents are abusive.

When someone we love dies we know that grief is a common response and that it is okay.. that it is a necessary step. When it comes to abuse it is still a topic that people don't want to talk about. Even in psychology we talk about the symptoms of abuse and how devastating it is for the victim but there are no real guidelines on how you should feel... and how you get past it.

How should I feel? Your entire worldview is shaped by what your family is like... for better and for worse. Should I grieve what I've lost? In a sense a part of me has died, namely the inquisitve child... the one that is still innocent.... that believes all people are good. Do I have a right to be angry? We're taught to internalize the anger and that hate and anger are negative emotions. Therefore, we shouldn't feel them. I am struggling with that. I understand the need to grieve... but because they're my parents I still feel, even 20 years later, that I shouldn't be angry. That they were just following the cycle of violence. But that would relieve them of their responsibility. It was their responsibility to protect me and they fell short. But I still can't bring myself to feel that rage.

The biggest challenge for me is whether or not I need to forgive them. There was a line in the movie "A Thousand Acres" that said "How do you forgive someone that shows no remorse?" It is much easier to forgive someone when they are truly sorry. How about when they deny? My parents have always denied the abuse and accused me of trying to disrupt the family. So how do you forgive them? And do I need to?

I wrestle with the answers to these questions and with the road that lies ahead. I know it's not an easy one since you can't just undo the past and be instantly cured. I have to change my entire belief system and in essence construct an entirely new reality. Step 1: Healing the hurt within.

The Grieving Process

My vacation was supposed to be about many things. it was supposed to be about time off. It was also supposed to be about stress reduction and relaxation. Hmm... so far the only one that looks like it's happening is the time off. The stress level is increasing, not decreasing. But, most of all, I wanted time to myself. I wanted to just shut myself off from everyone and use the quiet time for reflection. I know I think all the time any ways... but I actually wanted to take the opportunity to grieve. While there might not have been a death I feel I need to grieve the loss of innocence, of my childhood and of all things good. I wanted to feel all the emotions that go with it... the anger... the rage... the sadness... and the intense hurt and betrayal. Correction I don't want to feel them but I need to in order to ever get past it. Seeing as I don't do well with emotion and refuse to show it there is no way I can really process that and deal with it when someone else is here. There's too much background noise when someone else is around. Right now there is also far too much negative energy that I need to deal with first. Looks like I might be taking another week off to grieve... and no one will be allowed here for that one.