"Broken"

As I mentioned before I currently feel a strong sense of loss. It's the inner child trying to come through and be free. That small voice that says "You had no right to treat me like that." It's the sound of innocence. And there is the realization of the destruction and devastation that was left in the wake. I think my emotional state of being can be summed up in one word "Broken".

For once I truly understand that being broken isn't necessarily a bad thing. Only when you're broken can you be fixed. It was my pride and my false beliefs that were holding me back. A prison isn't always about keeping someone locked up.... it's also about keeping people out. I had the belief that I couldn't trust anyone. When you lock everyone out there ends up being a high price to pay. You can't go through life completely alone, especially with a burden like this. Well you can, but it's incredibly lonely. It's difficult to change that though. It means allowing yourself to be vulnerable and take a chance. When you trust someone you give them power. They have the ability to hurt you. I'm all too familiar with the lonely road... of not letting anyone into that inner sanctum and of being guarded. Now I guess I am just a work in progress.

The thought of trusting someone... and of healing is actually pretty scary. It means leaving my comfort zone and taking some risks. I am a risk taker but those are usually negative risks, ones that are self destructive. Funny how that works. I know it was because I didn't value myself so a part of me didn't care what happened. I was already dead inside. I was numb so that no one could hurt me. This also allowed me to walk into potentially dangerous situations without considering the potential consequences. It could be argued that for a long time I was engaing in behaviour that was tantamount to russian roulette. So now I have to turn that risk taking behaviour into something positive.

The Recovery Process

I needed the vacation not only to relax but also to start the process of healing... For so long I thought that by acknowledging the abuse it was good enough. That was all I needed... And while there is freedom in reconizing it that alone does not bring with it healing.

As I write this I do feel a profound sense of loss. In many ways I am still just a child. I may be 27 years old but a part of me is trapped... a prisoner to the past. No family is perfect but most people grow up in a world of safety. To a child parents are godlike. We deify them. Whatever they say must be true. This has important ramifications when parents are abusive.

When someone we love dies we know that grief is a common response and that it is okay.. that it is a necessary step. When it comes to abuse it is still a topic that people don't want to talk about. Even in psychology we talk about the symptoms of abuse and how devastating it is for the victim but there are no real guidelines on how you should feel... and how you get past it.

How should I feel? Your entire worldview is shaped by what your family is like... for better and for worse. Should I grieve what I've lost? In a sense a part of me has died, namely the inquisitve child... the one that is still innocent.... that believes all people are good. Do I have a right to be angry? We're taught to internalize the anger and that hate and anger are negative emotions. Therefore, we shouldn't feel them. I am struggling with that. I understand the need to grieve... but because they're my parents I still feel, even 20 years later, that I shouldn't be angry. That they were just following the cycle of violence. But that would relieve them of their responsibility. It was their responsibility to protect me and they fell short. But I still can't bring myself to feel that rage.

The biggest challenge for me is whether or not I need to forgive them. There was a line in the movie "A Thousand Acres" that said "How do you forgive someone that shows no remorse?" It is much easier to forgive someone when they are truly sorry. How about when they deny? My parents have always denied the abuse and accused me of trying to disrupt the family. So how do you forgive them? And do I need to?

I wrestle with the answers to these questions and with the road that lies ahead. I know it's not an easy one since you can't just undo the past and be instantly cured. I have to change my entire belief system and in essence construct an entirely new reality. Step 1: Healing the hurt within.

The Grieving Process

My vacation was supposed to be about many things. it was supposed to be about time off. It was also supposed to be about stress reduction and relaxation. Hmm... so far the only one that looks like it's happening is the time off. The stress level is increasing, not decreasing. But, most of all, I wanted time to myself. I wanted to just shut myself off from everyone and use the quiet time for reflection. I know I think all the time any ways... but I actually wanted to take the opportunity to grieve. While there might not have been a death I feel I need to grieve the loss of innocence, of my childhood and of all things good. I wanted to feel all the emotions that go with it... the anger... the rage... the sadness... and the intense hurt and betrayal. Correction I don't want to feel them but I need to in order to ever get past it. Seeing as I don't do well with emotion and refuse to show it there is no way I can really process that and deal with it when someone else is here. There's too much background noise when someone else is around. Right now there is also far too much negative energy that I need to deal with first. Looks like I might be taking another week off to grieve... and no one will be allowed here for that one.

Just Say No

I've really got to learn to say no... Somehow that word just doesn't seem to be in my vocabulary. Why am I a doormat all the time. I allow people to take advantage of me, sometimes at great cost. Right now is a really good example. I want the apartment to myself. Tristan is just sponging off me and things just don't change... one excuse after another. This time it was that he ran into someone he owed money to (is there anyone in Peterborough that he doesn't owe money to?) so he paid him. That's why he couldn't buy groceries. So instead he has been eating all my food and just apologizing for it later. He still owes me $300 from 6 months ago. And right now I would just like him to buy his own groceries... I had bought what I needed for my vacation and now I need to buy more. And I need to go on a Coke run somehow but can't exactly carry it. I'm scared to cook dinner since I know I am just going to wind up feeding him to.

The bigger concern is the fatigue. Since he has to wake up so early he goes to bed before I do. The only way to accomodate that was to share my bed... and as I got to remember this week I don't do well with that. I really don't sleep and wind up like a zombie. It's tough to get out of bed and go to work. Then when I get to work I am irritable because I really need sleep. And no end in sight.

I know what I need to do but am having trouble doing it. I know I need to get him to leave... before he never does. But, despite the cost it is having on me I am having trouble saying no. I want to help people.

Okay we don't need to discuss the role of the enabler... and how detrimental that is... since we are responsible for ourselves. I am not responsible for Tristan... or for my family. I am only responsible for myself. While I want to just keep the status quo and not cause anyone pain... I am only hurting myself. At the same time I can't force someone to live on the streets... so what the hell am I supposed to do?

Therapy

I went to the chiropractor's today. I love Charlene although it's weird... she can read me better then most people I know. I don't even have to say anything and she knows whether it's a good day... bad day.... something major going on... She also does a good job working on my back but it's kind of scary how she can read me. But this is how the first 5 minutes or so went...

C - So did you get the results from the blood tests yet?
M - Yes I did
C - Well...
M - The platelet count is back to normal. The white blood cell count is a little low but the doctor wasn't too concerned about it.
C - The red blood cell count, is that still low?
M - That count cam back fine all three times.
C - So whatdo they think it is?
M - No idea. They seem to think I'm fine.
C - Amazing how they go from thinking the bone marrow may not be producing blood cells to you're healthy. You had me scared.
M - Me too
C - I was thinking I was going to have to drive you to Kingston or something.
C - With the suppressed immune system do you think it might be chronic stress?
M - Maybe... Stress... what stress?
C - I was thinking family stress
M - Oh you mean like my mother arguing with me about driving up to Scarborough the night before.
C - Are you serious?
M - Yep. She brought me to tears. It was impressive actually.
C - Ever thought about going to see a counsellor?
M - Hmm... last time I went to see one they just wanted to talk about my ex and how he was feeling
C - Okay a good one....

I'll leave out the rest of the conversation... but I thought it was interesting. I haven't seen her in a couple of weeks. The last few times I've been in it has been about the doctors and whether or not there has been any news. My family hasn't been a topic of conversation in quite a while... so why now? Shows just how well she can read me.

And as far as therapy goes... I know what's wrong with me. What, is it going to turn into a repeat of "Good Will Hunting" with them saying, "It's not your fault." I know it's not. I also know how to work the system. I was in mandatory counselling back when I was in high school. I let them believe things were going well and never really got anywhere. I know you're supposed to be honest when in therapy... but I do't even trust my friends and keep them at a distance. So why would I just open up to a therapist? I still have that protective shell. I don't talk about me. At least not about anything serious. I don't want anyone to see the emotion... and I don't want to feel it. So yes therapy would probably be beneficial... assuming that I could allow myself to be honest and trust that person... not something that comes easy to me.

Fucked Up

I think that is a good description for how I feel these days. I'm really not sleeping at the moment so I feel pretty exhausted. I can't seem to just let go and relax. I'm starting to think I might need to head off to the bar one night just to unwind. I never thought I'd hear myself say that. But I gotta find something that takes my mind off things.

First there was my health. There was the concern that my bone marrow was not producing blood cells. That's definitely scary... and I had to prepare myself for just about anything. My platelet count is back up and the doctor does not feel my white blood cell count is low enough to be concerned with. I still have no idea why I am fatigued all the time... but at least it's not my blood cell count.

Work is also taking a lot out of me at the moment. It's the first week of a new month. Pat was off 2 days for training. we were all off for one day with the US holiday. So that means a lot more work the other days. On top of that Dave is on vacation so we had to make up his aces as well. Then the other Dave hurt his back again so I feel like I should help their team as well... even though I already feel stretched to the limit. I didn't even have time to do the trends analysis today. Plus I didn't really take a lunch and completely skipped my last break. But breaks have pretty well been non-existent since I quit smoking. I'm almost tempted to go back to it just so I can actually have a break. But that's not a good enough reason.

Probably the bigest reason for me feeling fucked up is the fight I had with mom. Suzanne was telling me to just not argue and let her win. It's not in me to do. And if someone can make me cry in 10 minutes that's not a good thing. But that fight also made me face the past head on... something I had been trying to avoid. There's a great deal of emotions at the moment. Overall, I just feel this overwhelming sense of loss and pain. I don't know how I am supposed to be feeling. 20 years of repressed emotion is a lot to try and deal with. I'm definitely feeling pulled in different directions. There is still the family loyalty.... but also the betrayal. The pain that this led to bad choices and even more pain... since it's not just the family dynamic that was affected but also my coping mechanisms and the situations I put myself into. The skeletons I try to avoid and have the closet door locked... Just the thought of some of those decisions and the things I did to be numb quickly bring me to tears right now. I keep being reminded of the line in the song "Scars" by Papa Roach: "My scars remind me that the past is real." I could really do without some of those scars though.

I should be ecstatic about the blood tests but I just feel empty... hurt... wounded. Maybe it's because I was avoiding it for so long and you really can't avoid it forever. I would give anything to be numb again... not to feel anything at all. Maybe that is why I gave myself permission to use the self-injury if necessary. I am trying not to... but I also know what a toll this is taking on me. I'm not used to feeling anything and these feelings are overwhelming. I don't know what to do and how to get past it. I want to completely withdraw and not talk to anyone. I don't want them to see how much I hurt and see the pain in my eyes. I'm supposed to be strong... able to get past anything.... show no emotion.... and now it's a war. An internal battle and I can't find a way to stop the emotion. I may have a degree in psychology that doesn't mean I know how to deal with abuse and get past it.

Daily Reminder

For anyone that might have seen this bracelet and wondered why I wear it... since it's just a cheap bracelet... it's my daily reminder that I am still alive. It also reminds me of the pain of living. Most importantly, it's a reminder that the self-injury is in recovery.

Most people believe it is really easy to just give up. Why would you intentionally hurt yourself? But it's an addictive behaviour and it's effective. It's not an easy road, especially at the moment.

But I have now given myself permission to use the self-injury if I need to in order to survive. I'm not saying that I am going back to it. It's been over a year now :o) But if I am not doing it to appease someone (Val) and not for myself then it's not benefitting me. All that means is that she is controlling the behaviour. I'm not perfect. I am going to fail at some point. Life on my terms... Hopefully I can continue to find other ways to cope... but anyone that wants to stop me can go to hell. I'm not trying to be harsh there. But the people that try and stop me have no problem with me drinking to the point of alcohol poisoning... or starving myself.... yet these are more dangerous then cutting myself ever will be.

Recovery does not imply perfection and no slip-ups. It's fantastic that it has been over a year but it's been over a year for the wrong reasons. I am tempted probably every single day... especially right now as I try to come to terms with my life and the abuse. If anyone wants to hate me or judge me if I do back to it... feel free. I can guarantee that I'll have a few issues with myself as it is. But remember, it's not your life... you do not control me... and we all have our negative ways of coping. So if you plan on condemning me for it... or reminding me of how bad it is (trust me I already know) then you better be offering suggestions on other ways to cope and you better have the time to hear me out.

New Tattoo Idea

I came up with a new idea for a tattoo. Not sure if it will ever happen but that's what I would like to see going down my side. One on each side. Otherwise, I would like to see the one on the left on my calf.

The obvious question is why the word believe? And why the difference in colors. Basically it stands for "Believe the lie." It was a line in the Disturbed song Breathe (as well as their album title) but that is not why I want it.

For me it comes down to two things. For one, I did believe the lie and based my reality around it. Secondly, it emphasizes the fact it was a lie.

I'm not worthless. I am good enough. I have accomplished something with my life. I have a university degree, something some people did not think would happen. I am still alive. I have a stable job and for the most part I love it. Sure there are times when it's stressful but any job is like that. Yes I still doubt myself but it's hard not to and I am working on that. No question I still struggle with the fact it was a lie but getting that as a tattoo has real meaning for me... as a reminder of that. Now I just need to find the money to pay for it. Not likely going to happen but I can dream.

Intimacy & the Sense of Touch

Anybody that knows me knows that I have serious issues with intimacy. That's not much of a surprise considering the unstable family relationship I had. I choose not to get close to people. I don't want to get hurt agin.

When I was born I was 9 weeks early , weighed three pounds and had respiratory distress. I was immediately sent to Peterborough hospital where I stayed in an incubator for a month. What does that have to do with the topic? It meant that I was not held... and never got used to human touch.

My dad was cold and distant. I never saw much of him when I was growing up. He was away on business quite a bit. He was also authoritative and never was big on human touch. Mom was inconsistent on that front. Usually she was telling me what I did wrong and how I would never amount to anything. But then when she was depressed she would apologize and try and hug me. With the mixed messages I withdrew and shied away from human contact. Well there were other reasons as well but I won't get into that. That one is for another day if I am ever able to actully deal with it.

So now I have a fear of physical contact. There are very few people that don't make me feel uncomfortable when they touch me. My chiropractor is one of them but I think that's because it's therapeutic. There are a couple of people at work that will stop by my desk and put their hands on my shoulders. It's who they are... they're just expressive that way. I tolerate it but I definitely tense up. I think it's because you are allowing people into your personal space and it means you are vulnerable. It opens you up to the possiblity of them hurting you. Whenever Steve is here he puts his hand on my back and I know it's because he's hoping it will lead to sex. And when I reject him he chalks it up to me being tired. I just cringe whenever he is near. It really makes me feel threatened. Maybe one day I'll get over my fears of intimacy, vulnerability and physical contact. But for now I am just guarded and wounded... so stay away.

Ongoing Saga of Steve

Pat said recently that I need to sever my ties with Steve. I am well aware of that fact. I've known it for a long time. I wish it was that easy. I wish I could just say "Fuck you" and walk away. After all I've spent 2 years, and three relationships wondering how to get rid of him. But he's like a stray dog and keeps coming back. He never gets the hint. You'd think after the relationship with Adam... or the one with Tristan... he might've got the message. Or even when I picked up at the bar right in front of him. But he seems to have these delusions that I am interested in him and it never matters what I say.

It all started with me being naive and not knowing anyone in Peterborough. I thought he was just being nice. And I thought so little of myself that the possibility he was interested in me never even crossed my mind. I would give anything to go back in time and change things.

He's obsessive to the point of it being frightening. He still buys presents for his ex-wife on Valentines, Mother's Day, their anniversary, etc. That's kind of creepy. Especially since they haven't been together for 10 years. Let it go and move on with life. I also get the impression that he is in a mid-life crisis. He seems to want to be with someone who is much younger then himself. He's been interested in a few people.. all of which were at least a decade his junior... and all of them he had no chance with. But he always comes back to me and refuses to let go of that fantasy. That obsession is actually smothering and makes me feel claustrophobic. Once he moved in to be closer to me I couldn't go anywhere or do anything any more. I was just trapped in the apartment and this is part of the reason for my LOA.

It's not just the obsession though. I now understand why so many people stay in abusive relationships. They feel powerless... helpless... and are trapped. The abuser is controlling and manipulative and the victim feels guilty and may blame themselves for it. Take my situation for example. I blame myself for not realizing just what he was after and not getting away when I had the chance. Steve definitely uses manipulation to get what he wants. I am used to an unstable enviorment.. that is what I grew up with. And now Steve is recreating that. Instability and unpredictability... I feel like I am powerless. It's the same feelings I had living at home. The sense of pain... and hate. Every time I see him my skin crawls. Yet I continue to allow him to abuse me and allow him to control me.

I feel like I did just before I went to university. Trapped and alone with no way out. All I see is darkness and pain. There is no end in sight. It also brings with it anger and hate. But I don't know how to break free. The only way I broke free of my parents influence was them moving across the country. And now I seem to be back full circle since mom is in Peterborough. I get the impression the only way I would be free is to move far enough way that he couldn't come visit or death. It has gotten better since I moved but he still believes I want him and creates an extremely unstable environment where I still feel trapped.

The other reason I can't break free is my fear of him. It's not just the fact he looks like a terrorist. I've seen his temper and it was not pretty. I've also heard what he has said about ways he would hurt other people. Everything from breaking kneecaps to death. So I try not to piss him off. Plus there is the fact he has swords, dynamite, a 9 mm handgun and various other weapons. I get the impression that if I did walk away I would also need a restraining order.

It's not an easy situation to walk away from. If it was I would be long gone already. It is certainly not a healthy relationship and simply reminds me of life at home from my younger days. Maybe I need a ring on my finger although I'm not sure a marriage would even get rid of him. Adam and I were together for a year and I still couldn't get rid of Steve. Hell I think that if I decided to become a lesbian he'd just think I was bisexual and wanted to fuck him too.

So if anyone has ideas as to how I can get rid of him I'd love to hear them. I've spent about 3 years trying to figure that out and still haven't got anywhere. He's still hanging around and things have actually gotten progressively worse. But then most people don't understand what it's like to have a stalker.

Questioning Everything

I'm still going through a mix of emotions and there are a lot of questions that come up as I begin the healing process. I've spent so long pushing it into the background and just accepting it as my reality that I don't know how to deal with the emotions. I also wonder if I have a right to be angry. Part of that comes back to me justifying my mother's behaviour. She was depressed and learned some of the behaviours from her father. But that doesn't make it right. There are a few contradicitons and I am not sure how to reconcile the two. For instance, any type of abuse involves a betrayal but since it's the family there is still a sense of loyalty. Since they were my parents there is love... but because of the detrimental affects there is also a certain element of hate.

I was raised going to church every Sunday and with the whole Christian values. The Bible says to honor your parents and love them. So I feel like I shouldn't hate them... which leads to me wondering what the appropriate response is. I also wonder if I have to forgive them in order to move forward. I'm not sure I can do it.

I also wonder how I can face the pain... the hurt... all the emotions without self destructing. Now that is something I am good at. I'm surprised I am even still alive. I never thought I would be. Between the eating disorder, the self-injury, the binge drinking, the risky sex, and the smoking... They're the only coping mechanisms I know. And all of them are damaging, one way or another.

If I actually face it and work past it will I ever be able to trust people again? With the neglect, as well as the abuse I became a ghost and talked to no one. I was judged by a lot of people and was condemned by most of them as well. As well I wanted to keep the family secret so I trusted no one... well almost no one. I also got to the point where I thought I wasn't worth anybody else's time. Even now I struggle with asking for help or starting the conversation. I know it's not true but I always think I'd be wasting their time. It's not easy to break that and actually trust people. It means being vulnerable... letting go... something I haven't been able to do in a very long time, if I ever could.

Why do I still want their approval? I know it's a lost cause. I know I made it through... I got my degree... I've got a job... yet I still want them to say "Job well done." I keep in touch hoping that one day I will actually hear some sort of praise.... And because I never heard it while growing up I doubt myself and my abilities all the time. I second guess myself and while I can easily find fault in something I'm doing... I don't accept the compliments of others very well. I managed to just shrug it off.

Should I sever all ties? Being in contact with them only causes more pain for me. Things have never changed and they still deny there was any abuse. That leaves me wondering if I should even have contact with them. That comes back to the loyalty. I feel like I have to stay in touch... like I am a bad daughter if I don't.

One of the most challenging questions is "Who am I?" I've been wearing masks for so long... and hiding who I was... that I've forgotten who I really am. The effects of being a victim of abuse is so entwined in my identity that it really has shaped who I am and where I am in my life. All of my coping mechanisms have been extremely negative and often quite damaging. I didn't care if I lived or died. I was an anorexic by the time I was 10. Needless to say that has health consequences and has made it difficult for me to gain weight. I've had alcohol poisoning more times then I would like to admit to. I always set myself up for bad situations even though I know better... and as a result have been raped by 5 different people. So now I see sex as pretty much meaningless (except for Adam... that was different) and it has an association with violence. Cutting yourself on purpose is obviously fucked up and harmful. I went to university to prove that my parents were wrong... that I really could do something with my life. I went into psychology and looking back I wonder if it was an attempt to heal myself or because I had been there so I wanted to help others. So when you start removing all those things and peeling back the layers what is left? Who am I?

I also wonder if the following quote is true... and if it is... then is there even a point to dealing with it and working through the emotions?

"Man... cannot learn to forget, but hangs on the past: however far or fast he runs, that chain runs with him." (Friedrich Nietzsche)

Raw Emotion

The fight with mom got me thinking... not like I need any help with that one. I spend too much time thinking as it is. But that fight brought things into focus for me. It helped me realize just how much power she had over me and how it was affecting me, even now. I've been out of that environment for 8 years now. Best thing for me was when my parents moved to BC and it was life on my terms. And then I moved to Peterborough. That wouldn't be a big deal except that mom ended up here as well. In some respects I feel like I did when I lived at home... all over again. I can't go through that again. I won't.

But with that realization also came great pain. I had acknowledged the emotional abuse... but I had made excuses for it and let her have power over me. I refused to allow myself to feel anything. I was scared I would self destruct. Plus when you are still in the situation you have to be strong. I wanted to be numb... to feel nothing. It was also about protecting myself. But now I am on my own and at a crossroads. A couple of days ago I was faced with the raw emotion that comes with accepting the fact you were a victim and there was nothing you could do about it. As a control freak I hate accepting the fact I had no power.

It's really difficult to face the fact your world view is completely based on lies and that your entire identity has been formulated around protection and the instability of family life. The other reason that I have been reluctant to face this is because it involves stripping down everything I know about myself and rebuilding. I have no idea who I am underneath that all.

When all you know is pain it's actually challenging to think about happiness. It seems like that would be a contradiction but there's safety in what you know and fear of the unknown. That's one more thing holding me back. Misery loves company

The Fight

This has been a tough week... from an emotional standpoint. It started with the fight I had with my mother over staying in a motel before going to see the doctor. Then I was talking to Adam and he was commenting on how absurd it is to fight over something like that. It really brought things into focus for me. This is pretty much every conversation with her. It doesn't matter how insignificant there will always be a fight. And I am so fucking tired of putting up with that shit to keep the family peace. People can tell when I've talked to her because I am a different person. The light in my eyes is gone and I am crushed... Suzanne seems to think I should stop worrying about what mom thinks and stop trying to change her mind. She also said not to defend my decision. So then I am just letting her win by staying silent. That actually reminds me of life at home. Suzanne was the passive one who put up with it... I fought back... and mom actually left me alone more because I refused to bow down and show emotion. I fought back and I wasn't as easy a target. Of course, Suzanne also denies that there was any abuse at all. 20 years later it's still the same. My issue isn't even with the fight and what it was about. I don't fucking care about that. What I care about is that everything with her is a fight. I care about the fact it's about control and, in some ways, the past. Even though I am 27 and don't live at home she still treats me the same as when I was younger. Nothing is ever good enough... there is always something wrong. Granted she is not putting me down now but she does fight me on just about everything. Mom has the power to bring me to tears... one of the few people that can. And in that fight she did. So, in some ways, the light went on. I am tired of dealing with that BS and that pain. That's all it is, wrapped in a lie called loyalty. It's a hard truth but an undeniable one.

Pick Your Battles

My relationsip with my mother has never been good. It has always been a fight. I would probably just cut myself off and have no contact with her since it takes so much energy out of me but at the same time I still want her approval. All I've ever wanted is for her to say, "Job well done" I called her the other day since I wanted to let her know I was going to the hematologist. It became yet another war. That was a few days ago and it still hurts. It made me realize the importance of picking your battles. Some things are just not worth fighting over. Of course, it's really easy to say that and much harder to practice. Why does she still get to me? Why can't I just let go? And , why does she have to fight about the stupidest shit? She still has too much power over me.

Hanging in There

I am still hanging in there.... pretty tired at the moment. I'm not sure if that is from the 6 day stretch at work, being on day shifts, stress, or from not being able to sleep. Probably each one is contributing to that. I get home from work and am just so fatigued... I curl up on the couch until just before I have to go to bed. Being this tired it should be easy to pass out and actually get sleep... but no. I can't seem to shut my brain off. Then I barely get up with enough time to get to work.

I wouldn't say I am really going through mood swings but I do feel somewhat overwhelmed at the moment. I feel like I am getting pulled in every direction. Struggling to get things done at work... facing the fact I have to help another team for the first week next week and wondering how we're going to accomplish that without really making things difficult. Especially since I'll be on vacation later on in the month.

On top of that I have the doctors appointment this week... that means that at some point I am going to have to have the bone marrow biopsy done. That will be three days off work. Hopefully 2 of those days will be my weekend but I have no idea. They will just be giving me a date and a time to be there. It's also likely in Scarbrough.

In terms of the emotions there is definitely a mix and sometimes it's hard to control them... more so when I am at home. Probably because when I am at work I can keep myself busy and not think about it. It shows occasionally with me getting a bit stressed out. There is certainly anger there. Haven't I been through enough shit? There is also bitterness... since this is one more thing in a long life of pain. And, of course, there is also fear and uncertainty. the last month has been a waiting game. And I still have no idea how serious it is... and if I should be concerned right now. I also feel pretty isolated right now.

So I'm hanging in there right now... but I can definitely say it sucks at the moment.

What is This Life For?

The last month or so has been quite the journey and is still far from over. Some days I wonder what this life is for and those times I usually feel like giving in. No I'm not talking about suicide. I am just sick of fighting circumstance. It's funny that I was talking about life a decade ago... since it dawned on me today that right now I feel about like I did back then. It's like I am surrounded by darkness from which there is no escape. I am control freak by nature and this is something I can't control... much like I couldn't control the abuse in the past. So I am left feeling hopeless and discouraged at the moment. I really think I am in the anger phase between denial and acceptance. I was in denial for 2 years and it's been replaced by anger. Why me? Can't anything go right? My life was fucked up before... I didn't need this too.

At least I am able to leave it at home, for the most part, and don't bring the pain and anger with me to work. Obviously I can't completely forget about it but I can focus on the job and push it out of my mind for 8.5 hours. Now if only I could shut my mind off at night as well.

Love

I was reminiscing today about days gone by. I've got way too much time to think now.. nothing but me and Azrael.... Part me of is still in love with Adam. Before people get concerned... I am not in some fantasyland not moving on with my life. I am grounded in reality, or at least I have some idea as to what reality is. But part of me still loves him... and maybe I always will. I'm not sure why I feel that way. Maybe it's because I remember what things were like in the beginning... before we became the old married couple that fought all the time. Or maybe it's because I have guilt complex and still blame myself for it's demise.. Or perhaps it was because it was the one and only time that I ever let myself be vulernable and actually give a damn about someone else. It's tough letting go of that. I'm not idealizing the relationship. I know there were flaws in it... nothing is ever perfect. Like Adam not getting over me getting plastered and calling him a typical male.... or me moving in and it always felt like it was his place and I just lived there.... or the fact that by the end I was so tired that I was a complete bitch. Maybe if we hated each other things would be different. Now we just have a fucked up relationship. Hmm... I have no idea what the hell a normal relationship is *lol*

The Trust Continuum

I suppose I am back to drawing on my psychology background. I was thinking about the contrast between Val and me. A healthy relationship includes setting boundaries. Some things you just don't share... and you don't tell everyone. At the other end of the continuum are the people that cut themselves off and trust no one. That one is just as unhealthy. You have to be able to trust people. No man is an island.

Since I am back to stealing from a web site... Boundaries are the limits that allow for safe connections between individuals. A boundary is that defining space which clarifies "you" and "me." Our understandings of what are acceptable boundaries grow out of our family of origin. A healthy boundary allows an individual to relate with genuineness to others. Persons with healthy boundaries know how to provide for their own personal privacy and safety. Appropriate intimacy and the achievement of trust is possible in relationships because there is no fear of losing "self" in establishing connections with others.

Persons with unclear boundaries establish the "locus of control" outside themselves. They allow others to define who they are, what they think, where they go. Intimacy for this individual can easily lead to abuse if those with whom they relate prove untrustworthy.

Persons with rigid boundaries are generally distant, unconnected, and lonely. These individuals have found "safety" through rejecting connections with others. Frequently these responses are a result of past abuse or emotional trauma. Intimacy and trust seem beyond reach.

I know I push people away. I am afraid to actually get close to someone for fear of being hurt. Fear of rejection and the fear of it being used against me... as it had been on numerous occassions. My motto was "Trust no one... that way you don't get hurt." There is a lot of truth to that... but it's also a world of isolation. Intimacy... what the fuck is that? Why did I cheat? The same reason I got in bad relationships... so that I had an excuse not to trust them. It allowed me to push them away. With Adam it was the only time I ever allowed myself to give a damn... to trust someone... and be vulnerable. That's probably also why it hurt so much when it ended... and why I still have mixed emotions whenever I think of him.

I know there are a few reasons for my lack of trust. The first reason stems from the abuse and keeping the family secret. When I did open up about it then it became a fight with my parents. Then there were my "so-called" friends... who betrayed that trust. Eventually I just didn't want to take the chance of being vulnerable. Now, I think the biggest reason that I don't trust anyone is because I have devalued myself to the point where I don't think I am worth anyone else's time. And I have trouble asking for help. I'm not saying I don't need help... I just don't admit to it... or ask for the help. I rely only on myself.

What is Trust?

Trust is both and emotional and logical act. Emotionally, it is where you expose your vulnerabilities to people, but believing they will not take advantage of your openness. Logically, it is where you have assessed the probabilities of gain and loss, calculating expected utility based on hard performance data, and concluded that the person in question will behave in a predictable manner. In practice, trust is a bit of both. I trust you because I have experienced your trustworthiness and because I have faith in human nature.

We feel trust. Emotions associated with trust include companionship, friendship, love, agreement, relaxation, comfort.

When we trust other people, we may not only be giving them something in hope of getting something else back in the future, we may also be exposing ourselves in a way that they can take advantage of our vulnerabilities. If I buy a car from you and I do not know a good price, you can lie to me so you get a better bargain. If I tell you in confidence about the problems I am having with work, you could use this to further your own career at my expense.

Although the threat of retribution or projected feelings of guilt can counteract your temptation to abuse my exposed vulnerabilities, if you succumb I still get hurt and may still end up with the shorter stick. For our transaction to complete successfully, I must be able to trust that such agonies will not come to pass.

Definition: Trust means enabling other people to take advantage of your vulnerabilities—but expecting that they will not do this.

Definition of Trust

Trust is defined as:

NOUN:

1. Firm reliance on the integrity, ability, or character of a person or thing.
2. Custody; care.
3. Something committed into the care of another; charge.
4. 1. The condition and resulting obligation of having confidence placed in one: violated a public trust.
   2. One in which confidence is placed.
5. Reliance on something in the future; hope.
6. Reliance on the intention and ability of a purchaser to pay in the future; credit.
7. Law
   1. A legal title to property held by one party for the benefit of another.
   2. The confidence reposed in a trustee when giving the trustee legal title to property to administer for another, together with the trustee's obligation regarding that property and the beneficiary.
   3. The property so held.
8. A combination of firms or corporations for the purpose of reducing competition and controlling prices throughout a business or an industry.

VERB:
trust·ed , trust·ing , trusts
VERB:
intr.

1. To have or place reliance; depend: Trust in the Lord. Trust to destiny.
2. To be confident; hope.
3. To sell on credit.

VERB:
tr.

1. To have or place confidence in; depend on.
2. To expect with assurance; assume: I trust that you will be on time.
3. To believe: I trust what you say.
4. To place in the care of another; entrust.
5. To grant discretion to confidently: Can I trust them with the boat?
6. To extend credit to.

History of Violence

All I know is violence. I have never known peace. I will never know peace.

Stalker Steve

People always ask how things with Steve ever got to where they are today... and why I still accept rides from him. To answer that question I would have to go back to January of 2003. I had moved to Peterborough. I didn't know anyone. I just started working at Minacs. I was also staying on someone's couch. I was basically homeless for the second time in 4 months. When I was out in the smoking area I would talk to everyone. It's who I am... or at least who I was.... I can still remember the day my life changed. I was out grocery shopping and I ran into Steve out with his son. I stopped to talk, thinking nothing of it. He invited me out to dinner at some point. I thought it was just a friendly invitation (Have I mentioned how naive I can be?) so I figured why not. I started school and then was only working 3 days a week. Steve would always be there... I really should've got the hint... It took me about 6 months to realize it was more then just him being friendly. Especially when he started showing up randomly.

The problem is that I have seen his anger and I did not (and still don't) want to cross it. By the time I actually realized that he wanted more then friendship I was already between a rock and a hard place. I had no idea how to tell him I wasn't interested without potentially making him angry. Since then I have tried being subtle, tried being blunt, and been in three relationships but he hasn't got the hint. That obsession has now lasted for 3.5 years with no end in sight. He would follow me to the bar and didn't get the hint when I picked up in front of him and left with someone else.

In November of 2003 I started dating Jamie. I thought maybe then Steve would back off and take the hint. I was wrong. He didn't think the relationship would last so he continued to hit on me and just show up at the house. He also knew exactly what buttons to push and used that against me... He has always preyed on my weaknesses and my pain to his advantage.

Then I met Adam... I was with him for over a year. And while Steve didn't hit on me (he knew better) he was still right there... every time I went to work... if I went to the bar after work with Adam he would just show up. People dubbed him stalker Steve and wouldn't tell him where I was. They just ignored his presence. He definitely was persistent. And then his dream came true... I was single again. I was also in rough shape. Adam went psychotic... I wasn't sleeping... and was fucked in the head. Things were basically spiralling out of control.... And I needed to find somewhere to live. I was able to get an apartment in Times Square and then my roommate bailed on me. So I was out of time and desperate. Steve stepped in to bail me out... and agreed to put his name on the lease. At the time it wasn't a problem because I had found a new roommate. But now I was indebted to him and he knew , especially since in the process I ended up owing him money. By this point I had also given up on the possibility that he would take the hint and leave me alone. Nothing I could do or say would convince him that I was not interested.... since even 2 relationships hadn't done the trick.

He did end up using my debt against him. He knew that I absolutely hated being in debt to someone. It just reinforced what my parents had said... so if I owed someone money it gave them power over me. He ended up using that power to get me to have sex with him. Which, of course, made things 10x worse. Now he's really delusional and thinks I want him... which I don't. I think he's a predator...

Just before Tristan and I broke up Jarratt moved out. Steve saw it as the perfect opportunity to continue on with his fantasy and ability to control me. He moved in since his name was on the lease... and said he'd only be there for a month or so... until we could find a roommate. Tristan hated him with a passion. He saw him as a creep but I think there was also an element of jealousy, or perhaps insecurity. I tolerated him because in three years I still hadn't found a way to get rid of him. It was a sore point between us... but I couldn't kick Steve out. Steve is not the reason we broke up... but he is the primary reason we did not get back together. Tristan could not get past the fact I had slept with Steve... even though I didn't want to. And Steve wanted to make sure I didn't end up in another relationship.

It got to the point where I couldn't even leave the apartment. I was scared to go to the bar. I figured either he would follow me there or he would just wait until I was drunk and take advantage of me. When I drink I tend to forget those things called limits... and it gets me into trouble. I have no conscious thoughts and definitely am in no position to give consent. I'll remember everything that happens... but at the time my thought process is basically non existent. And considering I have a tendency to have alcohol poisoning... That was a bit of a tangent... but it has happened twice now (not including the three I've mentioned previously) including by Steve. I was trapped. And he was always there.

Just before my LOA I was at the end of my rope. I knew he was the reason why Tristan and I weren't together. I was feeling trapped. I preferred to be at work then at home. I wanted him the hell out of my apartment but he had turned it into a storage unit and I was afraid to let anyone else see it. I couldn't take it. Truth be told he was the reason I wanted to go back to the self-injury... which is the main reason I ended up on the LOA. The funny part is that he never even realized that he was the reason for it.

So that was how it started... and why do I still accept rides from him and tolerate him? Because I can't get rid of him as it is. So I might as well make use of him. Anyone that has seen what it's like has agreed with my assessment. Adam wants me to stay away from him as much as possible but also believes that he is dangerous and that I should be careful.

I never said my life was normal... Seems to be more of a soap opera. I wish I knew a way to get him to leave me alone... I really do. Moving has helped... so has the shifts I am on... but I still can't completely get away from him. I'm starting to think I would have to move far away to be free of him. I'm not even sure a ring on my finger would do the trick. I supposed there is one other option... but I don't think so.

From the Beginning

I was born 9 weeks early on November 20th, 1978 in Cobourg, Ontario. I was rushed to Peterborough General Hospital with respiratory distress. At that time it was remrkable I even survived. My mom was 16 years old and gave me up for adoption.

Okay so this is not a chronicle of my life history and I won't start that far back. People that know me now probably wouldn't have had the same opinion of me a decade ago. Hard to believe it's been that long. I know that everyone goes through a time of teenage angst and rebellion. I didn't care if I lived or died. You tend to be kind of reckless with that attitude. All I knew was pain, anger, bitterness and even hate. I would head into situations I knew were bad. And sure enough I got burned, which just perpetuated the cycle. I wasn't even sure I'd make it to university. I thought I'd be dead first. A tragic end to a tragic life.

But there were some contradictions in my world. See, from the time I was little, I had to go to church every Sunday. When I was in high school I was also involved in Youth for Christ. I still went to church although it was a different church then my parents. I was a leader in the youth group. I think it was the only stable thing I had going... and probably kept me alive.

For as angry as I was I am surprised I didn't turn to alcohol, drugs or even smoking. Some people who know me now might be a little shocked by that. I didn't start smoking until I was 18 and my dad and sister accused me of lying about smoking. Been a smoker off and on ever since. The longest I've been able to quit for is 6 months. I also started drinking when I was 18. That was a bad year for me. I don't think I tried drugs until I was 20. Even then it's not something I've done very often. So I may have been angry but I didn't rebel as much as one might expect.

Mind you I did find ways to self destruct. In an attempt to deal with it I turned to cutting. It was all controlled and ritualistic. The cuts were basically deep enough to draw blood and then I'd stop. Once there was physical pain your body reacts. It's called self preservation. But it also allows you to become numb emotionally. And it is a little too effective. I lost a lot of friends over it. Whenever I was feeling overwhelmed it was a quick way to calm down. So I used it for over a decade... until it was almost out of control. I was cutting deeper and more often to get the same results. When I scared someone that was really close to me I promised her I would quit. And I did... for 3 years. Now that is actually impressive since I had no other coping mechanisms to replace it with. It wasn't until Adam went psychotic and I was concerned for my own safety that I went back to it. Val knew about it and tried to control the behaviour. That only made it worse. I stopped again but it wasn't for me... it was for her.

My relationships were also on the reckless side. Until I moved to Peterborough and vowed not to be in a relationship I pretty much cheated on everyone, except Al. I ended up in some really bad relationships as well. I didn't value myself at all. The irony is that I still held to the Christian values that premarital sex was a sin. Even though I was pressured I didn't give in. As it turns out I might as well have. Instead, at the age of 13 I was raped by a guy I knew from church. I was still innocent. I believed everyone was good and that this wouldn't happen. It probably took a decade before I didn't want to be drunk on the anniversary, or use self-injury to escape. 5 years later I set myself up again. When you don't drink... downing Crown Royal straight is not the smartest plan. I had no tolerance for alcohol and just set myself up to repeat the experience, which is exactly what happened. It was much easier to blame myself. I knew I shouldn't have gone. I knew I shouldn't have been drinking. So I blamed myself for what happened. So my first two sexual encounters both had elements of violence. After that it didn't matter. Sex had no value or meaning to me. I used it to feel better about myself... to escape the loneliness and the pain. But typically they were just one night stands. I felt nothing... just more emptiness. I would simply dissociate and then move on to the next person.

Even when I moved to Peterborough I still had the same attitude. I didn't give a damn about myself and nothing mattered. I didn't want a relationship... so that I didn't have to cheat or even care about someone else. I was jaded and figured I would just get hurt in the long run. I would go to the bar, get drunk and pick someone up. High risk behaviour... it's like playing Russian Roulette. Then Jamie came long. He was such a sweetheart. I didn't think I deserved him... so I crushed him... Well actually I broke up with him for Adam. Aside from Al that was an innocent high school love Adam was the only other person I ever loved. He still tries to get me to believe in myself... I'm not sure how successful that is though.

I have definitely toned down the risky behaviour although for a little while after Adam and I separated I didn't learn not to pick up guys from work. That break up hurt deeply and, once again, I wanted to feel needed. So I was back to the meaningless one night stands. Then there was Adam's birthday... Or should I say the day before Adam's birthday. That night will definitely not be forgotten. Lori was dropping me off downtown and invited me to stop by Sin City to say hi. I had lost friends when Adam and I broke up. What I had forgotten was that it was Adam's birthday and he would be there celebrating. Now Adam I don't mind... there were other people that I wasn't crazy about seeing... I left pretty quickly and went down to Riley's for Shaun's birthday. I should probably back up here a moment. For one, I had an interest in one of the guys at work and was thinking about a relationship with him. The other point was that the nesting agents were surrounding me at work. I wasn't helping that group but I had talked to a number of them. Mike was at Riley's and was drunk by the time I got there. He had to work the next day so I invited him over to my place so that he wouldn't be fired... he was on a last chance agreement at the time. Part of me was also hoping to get laid. They decided to get high and head down to the strippers. But Mike said he mgiht stop by afterwards... So then I located all the agents that had just finished nesting and kept drinking. Pretty soon they decided to head elsewhere. So we went down to the White House. And this was where things got interesting. When we got there Tristan didn't have any money so I offered to buy him a drink. It wasn't a big deal to me. Tristan was good looking and younger so when we spent the rest of the night talking that was a good thing to me. Even got out on the dance floor. Mike was committment phobic and Tristan was the opposite. He invited me back to his place and, looking back, I wish I had taken him up on that offer. I turned him down since I had already agreed to let Mike sty t my place... and I was pretty loaded by that point. So I walked home. Jarratt, John and a few other people showed up shortly after that. then Mike did show up... he almost started a fight. I was planning to make him sleep on the couch but John was there. I was ready to pass out but he ended up sharing my bed. And one thing led to another... but as I sobered up a bit I realized that he wasn't the one I wanted to be with and felt guilty. The room was also starting to spin so I stopped. He got angry so I left the room. When I came back I thought he was asleep so I went to bed and passed out. I was wrong. Or if he was asleep he woke up again. I don't want to relive that night so I won't fill in the details... but it ended with me kicking him out and a long, cold walk to the police station at 5:30 a.m.

Looking back there are a lot of "what ifs". What if Tristan hadn't been there that night? What if I hadn't invited Mike back? What if I had've gone back to Tristan's? What if... what if... what if... I know there is no point asking those questions because it won't change anything. I can't go back in time and change what happened. But I still can't help wondering. Then there is the debate as to whether or not I should've pressed charges. People like telling me it was the right thing to do. That's easy for them to say... it didn't happen to them. They aren't the ones that had to go through a police interview... then come back to the apartment still hung over and watch the police take pictures and evidence... and then there was the 5 hour examination at the hospital... oh and then a videotaped interview. It took 10 hours before I came back home... and was so exhausted that I just crashed. It was a gruelling ordeal and one, like every other time, I just wanted to forget. But it wasn't just reliving the event that was painful. At work I was a huge target. There seemed to be people that wanted me gone and had made that their mission. There was a rumour that I was a "lying bitch who had him charged out of spite." It made it extremely difficult to go to work. When I went on my LOA there was even a poll as to the reason I was of work... and the rape had the most votes. Now the fact they even had that poll is pretty bad. The charges ended up being withdrawn but that doesn't make it any easier. He was down in the maze the other day visiting people and a shock went through my system.

So some things never seem to change. The worst part about that whole situation (back to the "what ifs") is that Tristan and I are no longer together. After a month and a half we broke up. The reason for that is probably left for another discussion. So, in the end did it even matter? Does anything matter?

I'm not the same person I was a decade ago... I suppose no one is. I thought the world owed me something. I had a huge chip on my shoulder and was filled with anger. I was heading for disaster.... I'm not even sure what happened that changed that. I suspect that the biggest change came when my parents moved across the country. I was suddenly independant and they had no power over me. The second biggest event was when I actually graduated from university. For the first time I could say "I told you so." I had accomplished something. It could also be that I have just accepted my fate. But I have definitely changed, for the better. Some of it comes with age... some with experience.... and some with the acceptance that bad things are a part of life.

Hmm... now I can't even remember why I started this. I would do really well with Freud's concept of free association where you just start with whatever is going on in the mind. It's a good example of my mind being the tortured soul. It's like there is a wall in front me and I can't get past it. Things have gotten better, no question, but there are still some things I have not gotten past. And some days I question whether or not I ever will.

It's been a long time since I've actually done this much soul searching. Even on my LOA it was more about anger over being forced off work and things with the roommate... it wasn't about truth... pain... life. And since I came back to work I have had other things to occupy my time. But I always was a thinker.... one of my downfalls actually. I analyze every thing I do and spend way too much time thinking about things. It's probably the other reason I have trouble letting go. I spend too much time dwelling on it. But it's part of who I am. And I doubt it will ever change.

Demons

They say there is a defining moment in your life. Well that is what the movies say any ways. Now I wouldn't actually say that this is the defining moment... but it definitely has led to reflection. I never thought I'd live to see 25 so I did make it further then expected.

Right now there is a wide range of emotions. In the last few days I think I have come face to face with every personal demon... every skeleton in the closet. Well, it really started a month ago when I went to the doctor. But the emotional turmoil has been stronger in the last few days.

I've spent my entire life pushing people away, not trusting them... and refusing to allow anyone close to me. So now I feel really alone and isolated. I am not close to my family and have no support system. So now I feel like I am all alone with a huge weight on my shoulders. The uncertainty... the questions.... the number of times I have cheated death.... But it's not just my own mortality that I seem to be facing.

There is also pain and a sense of loss... not just from my home life... but from those times when I was a victim. Part of me still wants to blame myself... and then part of me does recognize that it was not my fault. It's so much easier to blame yourself... then it is to admit that the world is not a safe place... and that you can be a victim. I've always had the attitude that I am a survivor and I don't want to see myself as a victim... Back to the idea that I have to be so strong so I can't see myself as a victim. To me that's weakness.

Along with that also goes a sense of anger. Anger at the people that have taken advantage of me... including my parents.... After all they shaped my world view and how I see myself. They damaged my sense of self-worth and lied to me. But also anger at the people that victimized me and stripped me of my power.

I've spent years feeling nothing... blaming myself. So it's very tough for me to feel these emotions and try to come to terms with them. Some of these things clash with my beliefs. Somehow I have to be able to accept the fact I am not going to be strong all the time and that is okay. More importantly I have to face the fact that I was a victim. This does not mean that my identity is that of a victim but I can't get past that... to me I'd be admitting to a victim personality. A victim of circumstance... saying "Poor me" but that is not who I am. Lastly, I have to admit to myself that my parents were not the idealized people that I thought they were.

As I said before I never thought I'd see 25. I figured I'd be dead because of suicide, an OD, or something else. I never really valued my life. It's always been so full of pain that I didn't care if I lived or died. So here I am... Before someone says I am a hypochondriac or am being dramatic I don't believe I am dying. But if it is serious then I have to decide whether to stand and fight... or just lay down. It's easy for me to say I'll fight... but what the hell am I fighting for? More pain and hurt. Is it really worth fighting for?

It's one of those moments when I really recognize the pain.... the depths of the hurt... my own humanity. Basically the inner turmoil. And as Nietzsche said "He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you." But how do you face those demons? How do you change your entire belief system and world view when it's all you know? How do you let go of pain and move on when that is all you know?

These are not easy questions to answer... for me any ways. When all you know is pain it becomes a comfort zone and you end up afraid of happiness. It also means facing all those emotions that I was unable to, or refused to before. For someone that has difficulty with emotions that is a daunting task. You're asking me to feel fear... to feel the pain... to feel the
rage... and to grieve the losses. And to do so without going back to some self destructive way of avoidance. I don't think I can do that. I know I need to.... but I'm scared to do it.

When everything is stripped away what is left? This is not the first time I have wrestled with that question... Of wondering who I am underneath that. My identity has been shaped by the events of the past and the negativity that stems from it. I created a cold, tough exterior for self-preservation. I refused to allow myself to feel anything to protect myself from the abuse. The long lasting effects. So if you take all that away what is underneath? Who am I?

Vices

As soon as it was confirmed that I would have to see the hematologist I suddenly was craving a smoke. I know the motivation was to calm myself down but it was also because I don't have any good coping mechanisms. So I end up stuck between a rock and a hard place. I am suddenly filled with emotion and don't know what to do with. Then it just builds and sometimes I will become a pressure cooker. But I don't really want to go back to smoking. For one, smoking decreases your white blood cell count. Secondly, I really dont want to go back to that. I don't want to go back to drinking either. I have no desire to have a drink... or maybe it's the seizures that come with going overboard *lol*

The problem is that I am left with one vice that I am really battling now. I don't like this feeling of helplessness and the uncertainty. I have such mixed emotions that I want to go back to being numb. But to do that... or at least to give into that vice... would leave people really upset. I'm not even sure that recovery is even about me. I wonder if I stopped because of the stigma and the opinions of other people. Now self-injury is not a good thing... but at the same time I want to be able to cope however I deem necessary. Or I would at least like to be the one making the choice not to give into it. Right now I don't feel like it is my choice at all. Maybe that is why it is tempting me. It is very much an internal struggle right now. I'm alone... isolated... virtually no support system... and I want to feel nothing. So I will continue to battle through it but I don't see it going any way... since I have 2 weeks until the hematologist and even then I won't have answers immediately. What am I supposed to do? How do I get through this?

My Reality

So Steve is whining about his current financial state. Everyone I know is currently struggling financially. And if he really wanted to cut down on his debt then he would just sell some of his shit so that a) he might make some money and b) he wouldn't have to pay so much for storage fees. So forgive me if I am not all that sympathetic. I think there is a bit of a war brewing. I think he resents the fact he was paying rent at Times Square for 6 months since it did put him behind. But had he not moved in I would've had an easier time finding a roommate. He seems to want to guilt trip me though. He also seemed angry that I wasn't going to talk to him for three days. I'm on my weekend. The last thing I want to do is spend time with him. I just want to hide and not talk to anyone... well almost anyone. I will make certain exceptions to that. I have no reason to talk to him.

Then there is my reality. The first set of tests were done in February and were repeated a week later. Then 3 months later the tests were done again. Each time they have come up abnormal. I am still assuming low but on Monday I can confirm that. Having said that, I have to prepare myself for any possibility. It could be something fairly minor or something more serious. I even have to prepare myself for the possibility of a death sentence. I don't think it is that serious... but I still have to prepare myself for it.

So let me think about that.... should I feel bad for someone that lives at home, pays no rent but is still struggling financially? I've got my own shit to deal with.

NIN - Hurt

I hurt myself today
to see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
the only thing that's real
the needle tears a hole
the old familiar sting
try to kill it all away
but I remember everything

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end
you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feeling disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here

what have I become?
my sweetest friend
everyone I know
goes away in the end

you could have it all
my empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
if I could start again
a million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way

Helpless

These days I feel more and more like an invalid. I am constantly feeling light headed and weak. I get home and just want to go to bed. I watch TV and am up until midnight or so but I never really feel good. It's an awful feeling. The sad fact is that my favourite part of the day is when I can go to bed since that is the only time I don't hurt and don't feel sick. Not that I am actually feeling suicidal but I can't help wondering about the value of life. Every waking moment is brutal. I get up in time to go to work and start dry heaving. That feeling of nausea continues throughout the day... mind you that one is likely just stress induced. My jaw hurts. I feel light headed and dizzy. And I still pretend that everything is fine. It's taking a huge toll on me, especially with the uncertainty.

On my days off I sleep for about 12 hours and am still exhausted. Even when I am home at night I barely move. I don't have the energy to troubleshoot my computer. I can barely even move off the couch. I'm barely eating at this point either. That's partially because I am on day shifts... and partially because I feel dizzy as soon as I stand. Steve has to come over periodically to do the dishes for me and take out the trash. He also takes me grocery shopping. For someone that is used to being fairly active I feel pretty helpless right now. :o(

Therapy

The inevitable question when people found out about my past is whether or not I've been in therapy for it. Not everyone asks it... but a few people think it. So to answer that question... yes... and no. When I was in high school I was forced to see the school board counsellor on account of the self-injury. They were concerned I might kill myself. I just lied to her on a weekly basis about how things were going. And after a semester moved home again. Even before that I did go see an art therapist. That was decent. Throwing clay at the wall is very therapeutic. The downside was when my parents decided to send my sister along. I made the mistake of thinking confidentiality actually applied and for the first time admitted there was abuse. Should have been a positive thing... that is until my sister told my parents. Then it became a nightmare. And that was the end of therapy. After being date raped when I was 18 I was back to therapy briefly. Then my dad decided I really didn't need it and stopped paying. Since I was unemployed that was the end of that. And the only other time I've gone is when Adam went psychotic and I was concerned. That wasn't terribly useful... and I haven't been back. Well okay with my LOA I got forced to see a psychiatrist but that wasn't really therapy... that was prescribed drugs. Maybe someday I will... but I doubt it

Shattered Beliefs

When you grow up in a household of neglect and abuse it really shakes your foundation. For one, you grow up believing that your parents would never lie to you. They are idealized and we see them as being perfect. In far too many instances that isn't true though. Every type of abuse also includes an emotional component. But the abuse shapes your identity.

After being told I was worthless and a whole variety of other things I really withdrew. I didn't want other people to know about the abuse and I didn't value myself at all. I tried to be invisible. I also learned to be completely numb and not to trust anyone. Every time I trusted someone I just got hurt. And those scars never go away. I still carry that with me. I can't bring myself to ask someone for help because I absolutely do not value myself and devalue myself.

I went to school for psychology because I knew I could relate and didn't want other people to go through what I did and be left questioning it like I was. But that was not to be the career path I ended up on. Maybe a good thing since I still have not dealt with that issue

Every time I think about it and how my parents lied I have mixed emotions. My parents always denied there was any abuse. So it's tough to admit that it wasn't right and there really was abuse going on. It's easy to justify the behaviour on account of depression or what not. Like most abused kids there is also guilt. We blame ourselves for everything. But there is also sadness for the stolen childhood and the pain that was caused. Not only that but there is also a certain amount of anger as well. They fucked up my life, shaped my life, and I always feel like I will never be free. But every time I get angry I always end up reminding myself that I am the one that shaped my destiny, not them... and it was my decisions. So to a certain degree I blame myself for the effects it has had. As a reuslt I never end up confronting those demons and have never allowed myself the chance to grieve, to feel that sense of loss and move on with my life and freedom.

The conflicted emotions just make it more difficult to deal with. Especially for someone that wants to be numb and not feel anything. I also don't feel I am strong enough to move past that on my own. I suppose that's not really a surprise since I know there is a great deal of pain. I can see it in my eyes. I'm also not sure I want anyone to see me actually feel those emotions. Aside from Adam it might be a difficult thing for anyone that knows me... and knows that I do not cry. I'm also raised with the question of forgiveness. Since I was raised going to church every Sunday I know that I should forgive them. Believe me that's a hard concept for me. They lied to me. They hurt me deeply. And now I feel like I have to forgive them in order to be free. Christian ideals in conflict with deep seeded pain. Not sure which one will win there.

Things I've Learned

Talk about life lessons. Some hard truths and some shaped by the life I've had.

1. A kind word is quickly forgotten. An unkind word is remembered much longer, sometimes even for a lifetime.
2. Trusting someone is costly. You have to be vulnerable and trust they won't break that trust. Once trust is gone it's very difficult to get that back.
3. Judge and jury... society can definitely judge you, even for your way of coping.
4. Labels are not a good thing. When a behaviour is labelled then we start shaping our view of that person around that label.
5. "Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge him. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them." (Oscar Wilde) As a child you believe everything your parents say and do not question it. When you learn it's not true it really shatters your belief system.
6. Feel nothing... and do not show emotion.
7. As much as we may want to live with no regrets it is next to impossible to forget the past and leave it in the past.
8. Insanity is simply a deviation of the norm... and who wanted to be normal any ways?
9. "Tears are the silent language of grief." (Voltaire)
10. Bad things will always happen. It is an unavoidable fact of life.

I'm not sure I really want to comment on these life lessons.... since it is a tough thing for me. I don't trust anyone. I am extremely guarded and do not let anyone close enough to actually know me. I think that's why Adam and I got along so well... we both had trust issues.

I'm not sure I will get get over the comments from my youth... and the neglect. I was called a bitch, slut, and many other terms and was told repeatedly that I would never amount to anything. I carry that with me... and may for my entire life. It's very difficult to reconcile that idealized image we have for our parents... and the truth that those were lies. It's easier to blame myself. Then I can maintain that image.

Home is also where I learned not to show emotion... and more importantly, not to feel anything. I prefer to be numb and when faced with emotion then I am definitely out of my comfort zone. I had to be tough. My sister was more emotional and, as a result, she got picked on more at home. I fought back so I avoided more of the abuse.

In spite of the fact I went into psychology I have learned that labels are not always a good thing. I believe that ADHD is over-diagnosed and is creating a generation of kids that are known by their label more then by who they really are. I was given the label of depression when I began my LOA and then all the behaviours were just attributed to the depression.

I'm sure that everyone learns the lesson, fairly early on, that life is not fair and that bad things are always going to happen. With the instability in my home life I was prone to risk taking behaviours and destined to go through some rough times. When I was in high school I was a ghost.... I tried to be invisible. But I was also seeking the love and attention that I didn't get at home. By the time I finished high school I had an ex that was emotionally abusive and one that was physically abusive. On top of that I was date raped, not once but twice in that time. I'm beginning to wonder if I have a sign over my head that says "Perfect victim" since I have been raped 4 more times since I moved to Peterborough. And the only time I pressed charges I sure as hell didn't get any justice. Now I'll be honest... 4 of them were related to alcohol. But that doesn't make it right. And two of them in Peterborough were from the same person. Once involved alcohol and once did not. There will always be an association between sex and violence. So I know full well that bad things happen. Now I just isolate myself and barely leave the house... It's a lot less eventful... aside from the arson in the apartment building.

Lastly... society is very quick to stigmatize certain behaviours and you get judged heavily for them. My orange and white bracelet is a reminder of that. Somewhere along the way I learned that pain was a good way to control emotion and bring about a balance... not in the sadomasochistic way either. Yes I engaged in self injury. I would purposely cut myself until it bled so that I wouldn't feel the overwhelming emotional pain. This one I could control. And I never cut myself that deeply. It was all controlled. I've been told it's attention seeking. I've also been told it's manipulative, meanwhile I try and hide it from everyone. I have been severely judged by other people. And those that do know about it try and control the behaviour which ends up making it worse. The irony is that I can drink myself to death and society would accept it. I could also become anorexic again and it would be more acceptable. Yes I have stopped... but I'm not so sure it's because I wanted to... or because other people wanted me to. Let me cope in whatever way I need to. Until you've walked a mile in my shoes... you cannot fully understand what it's like. Before you want to tell me that there are risks involved... there are risks involved just leaving your house. You could get in an accident. I'm not saying it's not destructive because I know it is but sometimes it's about survival and you do what you have to just to get by.

These lessons have been hard. Life is a number of lessons and often times they are not easy. Not all of those lessons should be true and unfortunatly some of it I will never get over. There was too high a cost in learning those lessons.

Fight or Flight

I'm at a crossroads right now. Time to stand and fight or lay down and accept my fate. Ordinarily I would not even consider anything other then fighting. But I am really tired of fighting. I am worn out and this has been an ongoing struggle. Between chronic pain and extreme fatigue... I don't want to deal with it any more. So maybe I should just accept my fate and give up. Okay so I am just discouraged at the moment... but it has been a long fight. A fight I just want to end.

Unreliability

Some people you just can't rely on... Steve said that he would be here today so that I could send back my hard drive, mail a letter and pick up Coke since I am completely out. I got home at 6:30 and since I didn't know when he'd be here I didn't want to start doing something and then have him show up. Now it's 8:30 so he would've dropped Andrew off a while ago and there is no sign of him. For the rest of the week he'll be working nights so I won't be able to have him take me down to Shoppers to get it. The only good news is that Norm brought in a 12-pack of Coke to work so for now I am okay... as long as I don't want any at home any ways. And now that my evening is half over what should I do?

Nobody's Home - Avril Lavigne

I couldnt tell you
Why she felt that way
She felt it everyday
And I couldnt help her
I just watched her make
The same mistakes again

Whats wrong, whats wrong, now
Too many, too many problems
Dont know where she belongs
Where she belongs

[Chorus]
She wants to go home
But nobody's home
Its where she lies
Broken inside

With no place to go
No place to go
To dry her eyes
Broken inside

Open your eyes
And look outside
Find the reasons why
You've been rejected
And now you cant find
What you've left behind

Be strong, be strong now
Too many, too many problems
Dont know where she belongs
Where she belongs

[Chorus]

Her feelings she hides
Her dreams she cant find
She's losing her mind
She's fallen behind
She can't find her place
She's losing her faith
She's fallen from grace
She's all over the place

[Chorus}

She's lost inside
Lost inside

Retreat

I thought I'd retreat back to the inner sanctum... where people don't know it exists so I can be utterly and completely honest and not have to worry about offending someone. It's my refuge.

I must admit that I am kind of nervous about giving Pat the link to the public blog. I'm not sure why. I guess because I don't like people knowing that much about my life. I'm always worried about what they will think.

It's not like I didn't reveal some hard truths about myself either... the abuse I went through... the self-injury.... the fear.... and the date rape. All things I have a really tough time tlking about.

I was thinking about that today and wondering if it is a trust issue or if I don't think I am worth someone else's time. More likely it's a combination of both. I don't trust people... and am afraid that my eyes will reveal just how much pain there really is. I really don't value myself either. But then years of being told you're never going to amount to anything and being told you're worthless... just might have something to do with that.

Some days are better then others.... today is not one of those days. For whatever reason today I feel all of the pain and anguish. I know I should just let go and move on but it's not that easy. I'm scared of trying to actually deal with it. I know the potential is there to go back to the self-injury to try and cope with the overwhelming emotions that are bound to follow. There are few people that I would even trust to see me through it... That would be the ultimate in trust since to deal with it pretty much means I have to go to hell and back... relive it... and acknowledge that there was nothing I could do.

I am currently reminded of the line from "Good Will Hunting" where Sean says "It's not your fault" over and over. It's much easier for me to blame myself and use that to reinforce my low self worth. I also believe in an internal locus of control. So for me to admit that it wasn't my fault also means accepting the fact that I can't control everything.

Some People

So the road back to work has had mixed reactions. Now most people have been supportive of me returning to work and have been pretty encouraging. Of course a lot of people still ask me why I was off but it is becoming more routine. I'm also on a new team so it is like new beginnings.

Val will always be Val. Some things never change. She talks a lot about how glad she is I am back because she didn't like not being able to answer questions. Surprise surprise... it's not that I am back it's all about her. We won't even mention that she is part of the reason I was off work in the first place. Now she is just trying to play the political game. I prefer honesty to politics. But I am now across the call center from her so I can hide a little better. I don't have to talk to her at all. I am happy about that. She said she feels like she is being watched, and has been since I left work. With her little plea for an intervention it wouldn't really shock me if they are monitoring her. She also said that they were watching me on my return. I guess they weren't watching me all that closely. During my SPT time I took a few extra breaks. Once I was back on the phones I didn't do that. But I was in the back corner... kinda hard to watch me there. I don't need paranoia. Matt tried the same stunt with me and it backfired for him.

And then there is Steve. He still grates on my nerves something fierce. Now that I have given notice they can show my apartment as long as they give me notice. I am ashamed at his bedroom. Hell it was the main reason I didn't go looking for a roommate. Yes I keep the apartment pretty neat but that doesn't mean I am obsessive compuslive and demand that the apartment be spotless. I can tolerate some mess... but it looks like a storage unit. It's embarassing.

His attitides are somewhat entertaining. He's a self proclaimed "cheap bastard" and an "asshole." When you shop most at the dollar store and value village then yes I would have to say you're cheap. But when you stock up on useless shit just because you never know... then it's kind of pointless. He'll hear something that sounds like it might be a good deal and just have to pick it up. So now he's paying for three storage units and wonders why he never has any money. Hmm... get rid of some of that stuff and save up for what you really want. Just my thought any ways.

Apparently the building manger left a note on his van indicating he should call her. My guess is that it's about him volunteering to help clear out the storage units here and dispose of it... or it's about the one bedroom that is coming available. But his automatic reaction was to think they want him to become a superintendent. I think he has a bit of an ego there. Are they really going to ask someone to take over the position out of the blue? Especially when that person has indicated that they are moving out of the building. Wild guess but I am willing to bet that isn't why she wanted him to call.

Either way I am looking forward to a place on my own... away from him. And now I am away from Val as well... so things really are looking up.

Friends

Being off work for 7 weeks has given me time to reflect on friendships. It's also revealed true friendships vs fairweather friends. Some of that was not a suprise but other people showing their support actually was surprising.

Val

No real surprises here... She's partially responsible for me being off work. Val had a breakdown as a result of me being off work (what exactly did that have to do with her?) and was told to stay away from me. In some ways that is a blessing. During the first few days off she added a great deal of stress to my life. Ever time I talk to her it's small talk and I wouldn't say she has been all that supportive. I think she is too busy playing the political game and refuses to take sides. Not that I am asking her to take my side but repeating back the same rhetoric I heard from work is not supportive and doesn't help me.

Steve

Again not really a surprise. With me being off work I see him a lot more then I normally would. While he's backed off trying to get me to sleep with him he hasn't been the most supportive. I'll be honest. I don't care about the calls he took today. I don't really want to think about work. And he's been quite vocal about his opinions of Chris. I know he wants to divide us but I've got enough to deal with. I don't need a battle with him about it, especially not one that becomes a nightly occurance. I'm off work because they think I am depressed. The best thing people can do is help me relax and take my mind off work... not try and aggravate me. Not to mention his ability to add stress to my life over the financial situation... or mentioning looking for a new place to live when I can't even pay my bills, let alone come up with last month's rent to move elsewhere.

Christie

While I have not talked to her that much during my time off she has still been supportive and offered encouragement when I needed it. That is important since a lot of people have been quite negative so it was nice to have someone that was positive.

Tammy

I'm actually surprised about how supportive Tammy has been. Sure we talk at work but I didn't figure I'd hear from her until I came back to work. I was surprised when I saw a post-it note on my door with her phone number and email address. She even sent me a virtual card which was sweet. Then she kidnapped me to give me some time away. Okay so I wasn't really kidnapped. I did have a choice. But it meant a lot to me. Even after knowing why I was off work she didn't hold it against me or judge me for it. I appreciate people that are honest with me.

Adam

The one person involved not from work (aside from family any ways). He didn't even know about it until late in my leave of absence. But he has been pretty supportive and took me out to get some fresh air. I still find it kind of weird that one of the most supportive people in my life is an ex. But I know he still cares about me... maybe even more then he wants to admit. But I can tell him just about anything and he won't hold it against me. I know he'll be honest with his opinions. He lets me vent when I need to and sometimes that's all you need.

So this has been a learning experience. Let's see what I take from it when I do return to work.

Disabilities

They call Fibromyalgia the invisible disease because you don't appear to be sick but it's still debilitating. I think that Steve has almost taken on a parenting role since I left work. I get the impression he feels like I need him to take care of me. Ideally I just need a new roommate but any ways. Maybe it's because his son is autistic... otherwise I have no idea what is up with the change in behaviour. I can take care of myself and I refuse to see myself as disabled. Probably because I refuse to accept weakness in myself. Tell me I can't do something and I will prove you wrong. I also don't want to be treated as a child and in some ways that is how I feel. I feel like that is what he is doing and while I don't think it's intentional it's still annoying.

Negative Energy

Some days I wish I could just tune everyone out... and I do mean everyone. Being on a leave of absence means I don't have to listen to as many people but there still seems to be a lot of negative energy in the people that are talking to me. Well for once my mom didn't have anything negative to say.

Dad seemed to be pushing for me to forget the doctor I now have in Peterborough and contact my aunt's doctor to see if he would accept me. How about I just stay where I am and see what happens?

Val had to keep me updated on the happenings at work. I am off work. I really don't care that the server went down for a while. Nor do I care about the peer feedbacks and scope of support. It has no bearing on my life currently. I am not there and won't be back anytime soon. It is interesting that Jarratt is covering for me while I am off but aside from that I don't want to talk about work. Every conversation seems to be the same... work... horses... my battle with the doctors... it gets repetetive. For the most part I don't even like talking to her at the moment. Then again... she also went up to one of my agents to discuss me and that still bothers me.

Then there is Steve... He is the biggest source of negative energy. I get to hear all about his calls and what's going on at work. Every day he pushes me to request a new team when I do return to work and is quite open on his dislike for Chris. I hear about it all the time. Coming from him this is nothing new but it is tiresome. I don't want to hear it. It's pointless and is nothing more then his opinion.

While I may not agree with the decision that was made to send me on an LOA it has allowed me to actually get treatment for the Fibro and the fatigue that goes with it. This has been my chance to get better and come back at 100% something I haven't been in a long time. I just want to be able to recover in peace and would rather people be positive about it. If you don't have anything good to say then don't say anything at all.

I dread him being around because it is just such a negative experience. I enjoy the time alone with just Azrael. It's the only time I get peace and quiet. No one to give their opinion on the current situation. So far the most positive person has been Tammy who sent me a get well card. It meant a lot because for once someone wasn't giving their 2 cents... just encouraged me to get better. I need more people like that. :o)

I still have three weeks to go at a minimum before I am back to work. 2 weeks until I can get Dr. Caskey to sign the medical certificate. Between now and then I would really like to isolate myself... or at least be around positive people. Negativity is not going to help me recover and feel better. Positivity is where it's at.